The Search
by Amber1983
Summary: When Bella Swan flees to London to escape her painful and humiliating past her new life is knocked off its axis by her charismatic and ambitious boss, Edward Cullen. Can Ed unravel Bella's secrets and get what he wants without revealing his own demons...and his heart? AH. Britishward.
1. Chapter 1

**Full Summary**

When Bella Swan moves to London to escape her painful and humiliating past her new life is knocked off its axis by her charismatic and ambitious boss, Edward Cullen. Can Eddie unravel Bella's secrets and get what he wants without revealing his own demons...and his heart? AH. Britishward. Rated M for language and lemons.

**Disclaimer - Twilight belongs to the fantastic Stephenie Meyer, I just like to meddle with her characters.**

**A/N - This my first attempt at a Twilight fic. For American readers, I am British and therefore please expect various spelling discrepancies. **

**Massive thank you to my beta, Trip, for all her amazing work.**

**Thanks for reading! :)**

During ancient times villagers armed with pitchforks and fire drove suspected witches out of their small towns. It turns out all it takes in 21st century rural Washington is vicious gossip and dirty looks. Six months ago I left Forks and vowed that only a natural disaster or a death could pull me back. I just didn't expect the latter to happen so quickly. And now I'm returning for the second time in as many weeks.

My old truck rumbles towards my destination and I marvel at how it has made the journey from Seattle once again unscathed. After all, I don't have my own personal mechanic at home anymore.

The Welcome to Forks sign catches my eye and I almost laugh at just how unwelcome it makes me feel. Population 3120, it proclaims, but all that means to me is 3120 people who all know my deepest secret. Three thousand one hundred and twenty people whose eyes seem unable to break away from the back of my head, whose whispered insults reach my ears in stereo and whose disdain at my 'abandoning' their Golden Boy I can almost taste on my tongue; 3120 people who know I'm a freak.

Freak or not, they were never going to keep me from my father's funeral. Mrs Cope, my father's oldest neighbour, told me in an accusatory manner that Charlie had died from a broken heart. _What sort of girl ups and leaves her father all alone? _I suppose the same sort of girl who leaves her husband too. The sort of girl who had a secret her father couldn't protect her from.

The best part about Charlie's funeral, if such a thing can have a silver lining, is that I was in such a haze of shock that the burning eyes and whispered gossip were mostly unable to penetrate. I stood silently in church, surrounded by the townsfolk and their metaphorical pitchforks, but all I could think about was my father. Everything he was and everything he had taught me. I had to concentrate so much energy on not collapsing into the gaping hole in my chest that I barely even noticed when Jake entered the church. But I felt his eyes, they pierced against my invisible barrier more sharply than the others, but I kept my eyes front and centre and my hands clasped tightly in my lap.

Later, when I was kneeling alone beside the wet earth of Charlie's fresh grave, he crept up beside me. The hope that my father's funeral would be enough to discourage him from coming near me had clearly been futile.

"You ran away," his gruff voice accused.

Well of course I did. It would take the strongest and bravest of people to stay in this town after what had happened between us, what everyone knew had happened, and I was definitely neither strong nor brave.

"I'm speaking to you." Anger crept into his voice and he grabbed my shoulder to turn me towards him, frustrated at my silence. His touch sent a shudder through me.

"What did you expect, Jake?" my voice was small and pathetic. Well, if the shoe fits.

His giant form towered above me and his eyes were as dark as the Washington sky above, with just the hint of an incoming storm.

"I expect my _wife_ to HONOUR me!" he growled and it was suddenly as if the last six months hadn't even happened. I was still as small and frightened and pathetic as I always had been. "I don't expect my wife to run the fuck away!"

I could feel tears prickling behind my eyes and I gritted my teeth to stop them from falling. _You owe him nothing. You have nothing to feel guilty about._ My mantra for the last six months now felt uncomfortable inside my mind.

He glared and I cowered. His unsteady stance and dilated pupils told me he had been drinking. Yet still the need to apologise crept up from my chest, the recurrence of a common pattern, and it took all my strength to swallow it down.

"Jake," I attempted to keep a steady voice. "You told _everyone_. How could I stay here? How could I live with them all knowing?"

"How do you think I fucking feel?" he exploded, stumbling a little, just as the first bolt of lightening shot across the blackening sky. "The whole fucking town knows that my wife isn't -, that she -, that we can't -" his struggle to find the words was punctuated by blasts of thunder. The perpetual Forks rain began to pour down, making my itchy black dress stick to my skin and turning my father's grave to mud.

Suddenly, the real reason for today floods back to me. Charlie is dead. I am burying my father and Jake has dared to bring this up instead. Grappling with the softening earth, I stumbled to my feet and met Jake's stormy gaze. Water ran across his black hair and strong features, I once thought him handsome but now he only made my heart race in fear.

And anger.

"This is my father's _funeral_, Jake. LEAVE ME ALONE."

He looked momentarily stunned that I had stood up to him at all but soon recovered his glare.

"I have a right to speak to my wife."

"Maybe, Jake, but didn't you get my letter? I am not your wife anymore. You are nothing. _We_ are nothing."

I turned and quickly walked away, tripping on my unfamiliar high heels. The wind carried his voice after me.

"Fucking running away again?" he screamed.

I turned back one last time.

"Yes I am. And now Charlie is gone I am never coming back."

I couldn't see his expression or hear if he responded but I ran out of the graveyard muttering one word over and over against the wind; "Never."

Of course real life isn't as simple as that. You can't just vow to leave a place and cut all ties like in a book or movie. There are legalities: properties to sell, contracts to sign, belongings to collect and keys to return. Running from a funeral isn't quite as dramatic when the realtor calls you a few days later to say she is sending you papers to sign and return.

This time though, I am returning for the very last time, for real. With my father gone there is literally nothing to tie me to Forks and that knowledge gave me the courage to make this final trip. The real estate agent called yesterday to say the auction was a success, a buyer had been found, and I had two weeks to clear out a lifetime of Charlie's belongings. Like the witches before me, I was operating at night in an attempt to be stealthy, I could go a lifetime without another run in with Jacob Black.

As I drive into Forks, passing the diner and Newton's, pulling onto the drive of the small house that has been my home my entire life, my headlamps are the only source of light to push against the shadows from the canopy of trees and surrounding woods. But still I feel exposed. If I could hide out in the forest I would. Perhaps forever.  
>I let myself inside for the last time and the smell of home, of Charlie, invades my senses. I stifle a wave of panic and tears, and prop open the door while I drag the empty crates and boxes in from the truck.<p>

Five hours later, physically and emotionally exhausted, I load the last box into the truck and glance around my childhood home for the final time. I pray that the people who live here next are not forced to flee in the middle of the night.

I drive quickly to my realtor's office and drop the keys and my signed contract through the mailbox as silently as possible. Hurrying back to my truck I catch sight of my reflection in the office window and almost gasp, barely recognising myself. Dark hair in wild disarray, bones too defined from lack of food, grey circles beneath my eyes. I feel hysterical laughter forcing its way to the surface - I really am a witch.

* * *

><p>The moment I cross into the city I feel better, calmer. Seattle is so busy and full that one small girl with a secret, a sickness, can easily stay hidden. Light, warmth and a delicious smell drift out from my apartment and I smile. <em>Emmett.<em> I gave him a key for emergencies only but I guess I can't complain about him welcoming me home with dinner.

I let myself inside and he turns toward me, making me laugh to see his enormous bear of a body clad in the daintiest of frilly aprons. He grins his little boy dimples at me and I can't help but grin back. Emmett is my closest friend, my only friend these days, and his heart is light enough for the both of us.

"Hey Bells!" he comes over and grabs me in a headlock that turns into a hug. I'm so relieved to be home and to see a friendly face that I feel like I might burst into tears. "You got boxes and shit in the truck?" he continues. I nod still not trusting my voice and we both go down to the parking lot to bring up my old stuff and my father's special belongings that I couldn't bear to give or throw away.

Back inside, Emmett hands me a glass of wine and begins piling two plates with Mama McCartney's meatballs. We collapse on the sofa with bowls of steaming food and he casts a concerned eye over me. Emmett's meatballs are my favourite dinner but I can barely force down a bite, my mind is too full of Charlie and Jake and Forks; and the secret that I can never leave behind.

"You've gotta eat, Bella," Emmett smiles softly. "You're getting skinnier by the day".

I sigh and force a few bites. He's right.

While we eat I stay quiet and Emmett fills the silence by bitching about the Mariners and gossip from his office (he is a Sport Correspondent for _The Seattle Times_). He knows exactly when to talk and let me just wallow in silence, he's kind of awesome like that.

I'm on borrowed time though because I know he is worried about me. He clears out the dishes and sits back down next to me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks gently, blue eyes softening.

I take a deep breath. "There isn't much to tell. I snuck in like a fucking criminal. I sorted my dad's stuff, dropped off the paperwork and got the hell out of there."

"Did you see anyone? Jake?"

I shake my head.

"Well that's something at least" Emmett pulls me into his side for a hug. "I still wish you had let me come with you though".

"I had to do it alone, Em." I look up at him and smile gratefully. "But thanks. You're a good friend to me".

He smiles sadly. "Good enough for you to stay?"

Tears prick my eyes. Emmett is literally all I have left here. He is the only possible reason I would have to stay in Seattle, to stay in this country even. But much as I love him, he is nowhere near enough.

I thought running from Forks would be enough for a fresh start and for a while it was. For the last six months I've tried to build a life. I started a new job, filled a new apartment with my things; I have even been on two dates under Emmett's encouragement. But I can't escape the dark thoughts that plague my sleep and panic me awake in the middle of the night. I can't stop thinking about the futility of the future, the hopelessness of dating. Why would any man want some broken girl? Emmett has encouraged me to talk to a professional but I refuse. It's not like it helped the last time.

Last week I noticed a posting on our internal bulletin board. A PA is required in the London branch of my company - Volturi Executive Search and Selection. It's a six-month secondment, and they are even including a Central London apartment. I barely considered it at first, the old me would have been much too shy and small-town to attempt a life abroad. But losing Charlie and my run-in with Jake reminded me of everything that happened back home and my need to get further away has only grown stronger.

I squeeze Emmett's hand and smile apologetically. "You know I have to go, Emmett."

I'm not an idiot - I know something as simple and straightforward as geography will not fix what is broken inside me, but I want to try. I have to really, my options have run out.

**A/N - I promise the whole story will not be as angst-filled! I hope you enjoyed it and would love to hear your thoughts. **

**You can follow me on Twitter and Facebook under Amber's Pen for teasers, pictures and updates. Links in my bio. **

**Thanks, A x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer - Twilight belongs to the fantastic Stephenie Meyer, I just like to mess with it.**

**A/N - Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read and review the first chapter, I really appreciate it. Now for a little Britishward - we gave America Rob so I'm taking Edward ;-)**

**Please note that for kicks I'll probably be throwing in some national and regional colloquialism at some point in this story so if you need a hand with any "Thames' Estuary English" let me know. **

**Massive thanks to my fantastic beta, Trip. She is a Grammar Goddess.**

**EPOV**

I just discovered the absolute worst smell to wake up to. You'd think sewage or gas or rotting food would be high up there, but nothing has made me more nauseous than the overpowering scent of vanilla that is assaulting me this morning. Of course, the fact that I know the source of such a smell - the naked girl beside me and the (I can only assume _many_) vanilla air fresheners dotted around her tiny flat doesn't help to make it any easier to stand. There's no way her perfume was this strong last night, I would have noticed; although admittedly, the smell of whisky may have masked it slightly.

Opening my eyes further and moving gingerly across the bed so as not to wake - Kimberley? Kelly? Kelsey? - I give my surroundings a more thorough inspection. It is a typical single girl's London flat. Old, battered furniture that I would imagine she considers "shabby chic" but is more just "charity shop reject", at least five wind chimes, countless photos and collages on every wall depicting various Mediterranean holidays and hen parties on the South coast. _Ah, there's the bloody thing._ Nestled on the windowsill, between a used mug with a photo of a kitten on it and a snow globe containing the words "Brighton 2010", is the cheap and cloying air freshener that has me gagging.

I look back towards the bed at the sleeping girl and it's actually not too much of a disaster. She looks almost as appealing as she did last night, petite and dark - as is my preference. The lilac sheet is caught up around her waist revealing a beautiful pair of tits. Not bad at all. Is a smirk still a smirk if nobody is around to witness it?

As if sensing my scrutiny, she stirs and rolls over onto her front. I freeze for a second, wanting to kick myself. _Good one, Cullen. What the fuck is the point of trying to make a stealthy getaway if you are going to spend so long admiring your conquest she wakes up and spots you halfway to the Walk of Shame!_

Fortunately, she falls back into a peaceful slumber and I use the opportunity to locate my clothes, wallet, phone and keys. I also note, with some relief, the used condom tossed on the floor next to the bed. I debate disposing of it in the hope that if I remove absolutely all evidence she might not remember bringing me back here at all. I decide against this when I realise firstly, the flush of the toilet might wake her and, secondly, that train of thought makes me even more of a bastard than I already definitely am.

Dressed, I creep to the front door and the sanctuary of the street below. Thankfully I wasn't so drunk last night that I don't know where I am. This is Clapham. The downside is I'm a half-hour tube journey from my home in Camden Town, but I reckon sometimes you've got to put up and shut up.

I locate the tube station with ease, and I'm home by 8am feeling quite impressed with myself. I shower, dress in my favourite suit (charcoal grey, subtle pinstripe, great cut) and attempt to tame my hair. As is the case every morning this is futile. I'm back on the tube and at my desk for 9am. I'm a smug bastard at times.

"Morning, Ed!" my PA, Kate, greets in a singsong voice. I look up to find her holding a mug of tea and two freshly typed assignment briefs, and bearing the most knowing of knowing looks.

"Good night last night?" she grins.

The way this girl reads me like a book is truly embarrassing. Oh well, no use denying it.

I grin back "Not bad, not bad. Had worse, had better."

She rolls her eyes but I can tell she's fighting a chuckle.

"Oh Eddie, what are you going to do without me eh? That's what I want to know. Who is gonna rush your shirt to the dry cleaners when you stay out all night and don't have a spare? Who's gonna pick you up from Generic Suburbia when you end up having a few too many and getting stranded?"

I laugh at her appraisal a little guiltily.

She then leans closer and whispers "But _most_ importantly, who will warn you about the lipstick mark on your jaw that you must have missed during your hasty shower?"

I gape at her, she tosses me a small mirror and I quickly scrub at the offending mark. She laughs heartily, sauntering smugly out of my office.

"Will you never learn, Eddie?" she calls out behind her, giggling.

She has a point though. I have been spoilt. I've gotten used to having a PA who isn't offended by my work hard/play hard attitude. Kate is a godsend as she'll cover my arse when needed but is equally equipped, and willing, to put in the extra hours when required on an important project. Her final day at Volturi Executive Search is this Friday, the traitorous little madam, and I've yet to meet her replacement. Rumour has it they are bringing in some little upstart from Head Office and I'm not best pleased. Dealing with the US office has never been my favourite pastime and now I have one of them working for me.

Kate buzzes a call through and interrupts my internal whinging.

"Michael Coleman from Coleman & Son" she announces.

Right that's enough childishness, duty calls. I pitched for this project two weeks ago and word hasn't been as forthcoming as I would have hoped. I hold my breath and brace myself. Aro will have my guts if this hasn't gone well.

"Hello Michael, how are you?" I do my best to disguise my estuary accent as I do with all new clients. I find it best that they don't know about my humble Essex roots until they know and trust me a little better; or until the ink has dried on the signed proposal.

"Edward. Good thanks, you?"

We small talk for a few minutes and then his tone dictates that we're getting to the point of the call.

"I've discussed your proposal with HR and we've decided after comparing your fee schedule with the two other search firms..."

_Come on, mate, spit it out..._

"...that we would really like to work with Volturi on these roles."

_Yes yes yes YES!_

"Fantastic, Michael, excellent news." I attempt to keep the overbearing excitement out of my voice. "We'll begin work on the briefs and job descriptions right away and will have drafts to you early next week."

"Jasper's here!" Kate calls out as I'm wrapping up the call. Jasper Whitlock, long-term client and sometime confidant, strides in like he owns the place and settles on the chair opposite my desk.

"Alright, Dirty Stop-out?" he greets with a smug grin, once I've hung up. "Miss Katie has just been filling me in."

"Kate, you're fired!" I yell.

"Already leaving, Eddie C," she pokes her head round the doorframe. "So bite me".

"_'Bite me'_?"

"I'm working on some American colloquialism to prepare you for my successor."

I roll my eyes as she leaves the room.

"What's that all about?" Jasper looks baffled.

"Kate leaves this week and my new PA is coming over from our Seattle office on a transfer."

Jasper grins devilishly "Excellent news. Blonde, tan and fantastic big knockers coming your way then."

"J, not all Americans look like Baywatch extras, you racist prick." He might be my client but he is also my best friend so insults are commonplace.

"Well, you never know," he shrugs. "Not that is it seems you need any more distractions. So who was this bird last night then?"

I shift uncomfortably. I don't enjoy talking about this shit, even with J.

"Oh just a girl I met in Agenda. She's an HR Assistant at Knox or something." I clear my throat and lower my voice. "It was just a one-time thing, you know?"  
>Jasper does know. He knows me too well.<p>

"Is there any other type of "thing" with you? And Knox, aren't they a client? Sure you want to be dipping your nib in the company ink?"

He is joking around but I can see a little genuine concern in his eyes too.

"When are you gonna find a proper, permanent girl anyway? You're pushing 30, you old git."

My collar suddenly feels a little tight and I'm desperate to change the subject. So I hit him where it hurts.

"Oh because married life is working out so well for you, huh?" I offer a sympathetic smile so he knows I'm not being a total bastard about it.

"Touché, Ed." He smiles sadly. "Maria started on at me _again_ this morning."

He glances at the window like he wishes he could jump out of it. "Seriously, mate, I just don't know what more than woman wants from me. Well, I do I guess, more money." He grimaces.

I wander round the front of my desk and clap my hand on his shoulder. "Thought any more about, you know," I lower my voice to a whisper "getting out?"

He suddenly looks a bit frightened. "Well, let's, er, not be hasty eh? I mean, we were good together once right? Maybe it's just a rough patch?"

I sigh. "Don't look at me, mate, what do I know about it?" I feel the need to change the subject. "Anyway, shall I get Jess in here and we can crack on?"  
>J is here to give a briefing on the latest assignment we've taken on for him - a Marketing Director for his computer security software company, WitLock. Yes, I still roll my eyes at that company name too. I go and grab the Researcher, Jessica, and we begin discussing the role in more depth so Jess can go out and start sourcing potential candidates.

We're just about finished when Kate buzzes to tell me my sister is here. Usually I'd make her wait outside to appear professional but my gaze slides to Jasper and I can't help my devious thoughts and sly grin.

"Thanks, Kate, send her in please".

My pixie of a little sister glides through the door and her enthusiastic "Hey bro!" turns into a choked cough when she claps eyes on Jasper. "Oh, erm, hi Jasper." she glances down and I can almost see her mentally checking the attractiveness of her outfit. "I didn't see you there. Sorry to interrupt you guys".

Equally unnerved, J jumps from his seat as if realising he has sat on a drawing pin. He clears his throat. "Hi Alice...how's it going?" he stutters, raking his eyes quickly over her, clearly thinking I don't notice.

I roll my eyes, Jess grins at me and begs a hasty retreat.

"So, erm, what you been up to?" Jasper asks. It amuses me no end to see my confident, king-of-small-talk best mate reduced to a babbling fucking idiot every time he is in Alice's presence.

"Oh you know, not much." Alice studies her nails. Equally, my chatty, irritatingly upbeat sister regresses to a shy teenager when Jasper is around.

Torn between amusement and a need to put them both out of their misery, I reluctantly step in to greet Alice with a kiss on the cheek and shake Jasper's hand in farewell. I don't miss the quick glance they shoot each other before J leaves.

Once he is out of earshot I can't help chuckling and Alice punches me on the shoulder with her tiny, but surprisingly lethal, little fist.

"Jesus, Ed, you are such a dick! Why do you always set me up like that when he is here?" she pouts.

"Because it is just too easy, Sis. I am powerless to resist." I'm feeling kind though so I add seriously "He likes you too, you know."

It's Alice's turn for eye rolling. "He's fucking married, Edward," she grumbles. She is being light about it but I know she really likes him. I sling my arm around her shoulder and gently shove her towards the door.

"I'm working on it, Ali. He isn't happy with Maria, that passive aggressive bitch. Not even a little bit."

"That's not the point and you know it." Alice replies sadly. Then with forced brightness she asks. "So where are you taking me for lunch anyway? Somewhere posh I trust, and you're paying obviously."

"Kate, where am I taking my sister for lunch today?" I ask as we pass her desk.

"Murphy's, the table is booked for about ten minutes time. I've set up drafts for Jasper's briefs and typed up both candidate reports for the FD search. Also, the Belleview proposal is ready for amending when you get back."

I really will miss her. "You are an absolute star, Kate. Your replacement has some big shoes to fill."

"I'm only a five," she quips.

"Seriously though, I hope she can handle it, this Yank."

Kate smiles at me reassuringly. "Ed, I'm sure she'll be totally perfect for you."

**A/N - So there you have it; some Edward, Jasper and Alice all crammed in there. Would love to hear your thoughts, every single review makes me so happy.**

**You can follow me on Twitter and Facebook under Amber's Pen for teasers, pictures and updates. Links in my bio. **

**Thanks, A x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer - Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, not me. Unfortunately.**

**A/N - Hi folks, thanks again for everyone who has taken the time to read and review. And hello to all the new people who have put this story on alert - if you haven't done so already I'd love to hear what you think, reviews are my own personal brand of heroin.**

**Enormous thanks to the wonderful Trip for whipping my writing into shape. **

BPOV

As yet another red London bus drives by too fast and splashes me in rain water from the gutter I wonder for hundredth time why I decided to move to a country with a climate worse than Washington. I have been living here for a week and so far it has rained every day. Worse than the rain is the wind though, as I dash around the most confusing network of streets I've known in any city, the wind creates tunnels between the buildings that knock you sideways. I've already broken three umbrellas, and this is supposedly their summer! Last week my doorman (excuse me, _security guard_) quipped, "If you don't like the weather in England, wait a minute." No wonder these folks love to talk about it.

Another thing I can't wrap my mind around is their subway system. They call it "The Tube" and I cannot think of a more appropriate nickname. It is small, cramped and stifling; and the only place in London where you_ know_ it's summertime.

However, in spite of the rain and the transport about one thing I am absolutely certain; I'm in love. Unconditionally and irrevocably in love with England. There is so much history, art and culture. I am desperate to absorb it all but I'm satisfied with beginning by exploring my neighbourhood.

My apartment is in an area called Camden Town, it isn't particularly close to Volturi's offices so why they picked this borough is baffling. Maybe there is some logic I am yet to be made aware of. It seems quite a young and fashionable district. Rustic loft apartments reside alongside cramped studios made cool by their hippy window dressings. Almost every day there is a huge market selling music memorabilia, funky clothing, unusual artwork and home wares. I suspect this market must be quite a big deal, as people appear to come from all over to see it.

Twenty sweltering minutes away by "tube" is my office in Marylebone. Here things seem a little wealthier. The streets are a bizarre but fantastic combination of old and new - modern glass architectural is nestled snugly amongst Edwardian converted townhouses. The UK branch of Volturi Executive Search is housed in one such converted old residence. Compared to the twenty-two storey glass and steel structure I worked out of in Seattle, this office is tiny. Four floors containing quirky but beautiful furnishings and a casual and relaxed staff of 40.

I arrive for my third day to a much livelier office than yesterday. Many of the staff were at a conference earlier this week but it seems everyone is back and the place is buzzing. My nerves return with a vengeance. I imagine just strutting up to the new faces, offering my hand and proclaiming "Hi I'm Bella Swan, from Seattle. How are you doing?" but instead I creep quickly to my desk and pray for invisibility. No such luck.

"Morning, Bella!" Jessica Stanley greets loudly and smiles from the desk opposite mine. "Tea?" she gestures to the mug already in her hand. I always thought the cliché about British people and their obsession with tea was just that, a cliché, but it really is the backbone of their society from what I can gather.

"Thanks, Jessica, that would be great." I reply, hating my small voice. If you can't beat them...

Angela Weber, the boss's Assistant, materialises silently beside my desk and offers me a small smile. She appears to be almost as awkward as me but circumstances have forced us to interact regularly and I can't help but like her.

"Aro is back today, Bella, and would like to meet you," she says, pushing her long hair behind her ear. Aro is Director of the London branch and some kind of distant relative of our CEO in Seattle, Caius.

Angela leads me to the office on the opposite wall to my section, which has so far been unoccupied. She gently guides me inside and a middle-aged man with greying dark hair stands to greet me. He smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes, and casts his gaze over me. I can almost feel his careful scrutiny. When he shakes my hand my palms are a little sweaty.

"So Isabella Swan, yes?"

I clear my throat. "Yes, sir, that's right, but Bella is fine."

"You have been Demetri's assistant in Seattle for six months, yes?"

I swallow and nod.

"How is he to work for?"

The question is slightly baffling but I find an answer anyway. Frighteningly, this feels a little like an interview. Although I suppose given that the UK team never met me before my transfer that is exactly what this is.

"Very efficient, sir. Extremely professional, a perfectionist really." I panic when I consider this might sound a little negative so I correct myself. "I mean, er, in a good way obviously! He is very good at his job, flawless with clients, so he expected the same from me of course."

"And were you able to deliver?" Aro looks at me sceptically.

I think back to Seattle and how, although I loved the work, my client interaction was not even close to Demetri's because my shyness would never allow it. I could be honest but this is supposed to be a fresh start, a new me, so there is no place for Bella part-on-the-wallpaper Swan here.

Finally, I reach for the safest answer. "I don't believe Demetri or his clients had any complaints, sir".

Continuing to appraise me, Aro muses. "Hmmm. Well I guess we shall see. You may find things with Edward are a little...different to what you are used to."

Ah, the elusive Mr Edward Cullen. I am yet to meet my new boss. On my first day he was out of the office at client meetings ("up North" apparently, according to Jessica) and yesterday he was at the conference with Aro and the others. Curiosity temporarily overpowers my nerves and I ask, "How do you mean?"

Aro grimaces and considers his answer carefully. "I want you to make you own mind up of course, but let's just say that Edward knows what he wants and he isn't afraid to go out and get it. Come hell or high water. It means he is a really big biller, which keeps me and the board very happy indeed, but it also means he needs someone strong to keep him on the straight and narrow. Are you up to that task, Isabella?" I notice the hint of a smile playing at Aro's lips, and clearly he missed my request that he call me Bella.

"Yes I believe so, sir," I reply, but I'm not sure I quite believe it. I haven't met the man but boy, does his reputation precede him! Everyone I've met so far at Volturi UK has had a few words of warning or advice, or simple straightforward gossip. I was a little shocked at first regarding just how freely these Brits chatter in the office.

Jessica had the most to say, and given she is the Researcher on almost all of his assignments I suppose she is definitely qualified. She said, and I quote, "Eddie, right? He's a sweetheart, and I mean a serious sweetheart but, my god, the man is a human tornado." I can't say that statement left me any the wiser to be honest.

"It's pretty much just work and women, work and women with him". That was a little clearer. I noted that women _plural_ was used.

"I mean he'll need you to keep him whipped into shape and organise the shit out of him or who knows what kind of disasters could be bestowed upon us all."

I thought she was being a little dramatic but then during my handover Kate, my predecessor, although a little more discrete, spoke about Mr Cullen in a similar way; the way an older sister would discuss her little brother, fond but with near constant eye-rolling. Combined now with Aro's words I'm wondering what the hell the deal is with this Edward dude, and what on earth had I let myself in for.

"Ah! Speak of the Devil and he shall appear..." Aro mutters and my heart is instantly in my throat. A man enters Aro's office on a wave of the most delicious cologne I have ever encountered in my life.

"Sorry to interrupt, Aro, but I need a word."

My god, that _accent_. Of course, all the men here speak in a way that makes my toes curl but this voice is something else. Rich, deep and a little rough round the edges. Painfully British but with slightly longer vowel sounds than that of others I have met. It feels as if he may be disguising his true voice a little.

"Of course, Eddie, in fact this is perfect timing as I'm just having a natter with your new Assistant."

I finally lift my head and find myself gazing into the clearest pair of green eyes I have ever seen. Bright emeralds set in the sort of face model scouts dream about. Pulling my eyes reluctantly away from a jaw line sharp enough to cut glass I can't help but stare at the rest of him. Lean but broad-chested, narrow waist and over six feet of charcoal suit-covered deliciousness. _Shit._

"Ah, the famous Isabella that I've been waiting desperately to meet." the Greek God is saying, eyes twinkling.

I am acutely aware that I've yet to speak but suddenly my mouth is as dry as a desert and every word in the English language eludes me. His knowing smirk makes me wonder if he can read my mind. He obviously caught me checking him out. Then the smirk transforms into a grin and he thrusts out his hand towards me.

"Hi," he says. "I'm Edward Cullen."

**A/N - You can follow me on Twitter and Facebook under Amber's Pen for teasers, pictures and updates. Links in my bio. **

**Thanks, A x**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer - I'm not Stephenie Meyer, and unfortunately can't pretend to be. She owns Twilight, I'm just messing with it. **

**A/N - thanks to all who read and reviewed last time, much appreciated. **

**Massive thank you to my beta, Trip, for all her brilliant help.**

EPOV

_Fuck. Me. Hard._

This isn't an expression usually found in my head whilst residing in Aro's office but, my God, it seems fairly appropriate right now. For a horrible moment I wonder if I muttered the words out loud, although perhaps that wouldn't be too much of a big deal as it is definitely a proposition I wouldn't mind offering Ms Isabella Swan.

When I arrived I was in such haste to speak to Aro about a development in the Coleman project that I barely even noticed the small brunette sitting in the chair opposite his desk. I had been wondering when my new PA would arrive but mainly just in connection with the huge amount of work I have piling up. Now she is here and I can't even remember what I had needed Aro for so desperately.

She lifts her head to greet me and I can't help but notice the way she quickly rakes her eyes over me. In all honestly I'm certain I did the same.

A smirk sneaks onto my face almost entirely against my will and she blushes the most delicious shade of pink. I can't take my eyes off the way the colour spreads across her cheekbones, down her delicate neck and into the collar of her blue shirt. I want nothing more than to see how far down it goes.

Nobody has spoken so I feel a need to break the silence. I reach out my hand for her to shake and introduce myself. She continues to stare in silence for a beat too long and I'm torn between feeling flattered and uncomfortable.

Finally, she blushes further and puts her hand in mine, offering the smallest of shy smiles. Her hand is soft and slightly damp from nerves and it feels tiny in mine. I'm instantly overwhelmed by a need to wrap other parts of myself around her to keep her safe. _Okay, that's a very weird fucking thought, Cullen, you perve._

"Hi, erm, I'm Bella" I can barely hear her. She clears her throat and lifts her chin a little. "Isabella Swan that is, but I prefer Bella please."

"Bella it is then," I smile at her in a way that I hope is reassuring but it only seems to unnerve her further. I realise I'm still holding her hand and hastily let go.

"Right then. Ed, didn't you need to speak to me urgently?" Aro asks. In truth I had momentarily forgotten he was even in the room. My mind feels a little fuddled and I quickly grapple around in it for the reason for my visit.

"Ah yeah that's right. It's about Coleman, do you have five?"

"I said I did, didn't I?" He raises his eyebrows. If I didn't know better I'd say the old bastard was laughing at me a little.

I turn to Bella. "Why don't you wait in my office and make yourself at home." Jesus, why is my heart racing like a fucking schoolboy? "You and I have quite a lot to go through so I'll be there in a few minutes."

I'm rewarded with another small smile and then she dashes out, it takes all my will power to resist glancing at her arse. Aro already questions my professionalism with colleagues and I don't want to make matters worse.

"Jesus, Edward, wipe that bloody grin off your face won't you? This isn't a damn school yard." Aro growls as he sits back behind his desk. He's a moody bastard before 10am.

"Sorry." I mutter and try to force my face into neutral before sitting down opposite him.

"So anyway, what do you want?"

Did I mention short-tempered and abrupt too?

I proceed to fill him in on a tricky development that I had previously overlooked. One of Coleman & Son's main competitors, and therefore potentially a rich source from which we can headhunt potential candidates, is on the Volturi US off limits list. Which technically means we can't touch them, thus cutting off a whole avenue of options for this assignment.

"For fuck's sake, Ed!" Aro explodes. I'm beginning to wonder why I chose this particular moment to bring this up - early morning, just back from a conference that has left us all knackered and before he has even had a brew.

"Why the hell didn't you notice this earlier? That's your bloody job," he continues.

He is completely right, I should have noticed. Unfortunately, I'm already handling eight other assignments so things have begun to slip through the net and I somehow managed to only check the UK off limits list.

"I know, Aro, you're right. It's a total oversight on my part and entirely my fault. But I will fix it, I promise."

"How, pray tell?"

"I'll speak to the US, Caius himself if I have to." I grimace; dealing with our American CEO is not my favourite activity. "We might be able to reach an agreement."

"Well you'd better" Aro meets my gaze sternly. "Because you know how much is riding on this Coleman project, don't you Ed?"

I shift in my seat. Yes I certainly do. If this assignment ends in a successful placement Michael Burrows is going to permit Coleman & Sons to be a key account client for Volturi, meaning we'll be their preferred search firm for the next five years, thus bringing in thousands of pounds worth of new revenue.

Additionally, Aro has also made it abundantly clear that if I manage not to fuck this up, he will finally promote me to Head of Sales & Marketing. So, yes I need to fix this.

"Don't worry, Aro, I'm on it. Trust me."

"Hmmm, I am trusting you. Don't mess this up." he waves his hand and I sense I am dismissed.

Just as I reach the door he calls out.

"Oh, and Ed?"

"Yep?"

His smirk is back. "If that little girl lasts a week working for you I'll eat my hat".

Yeah, he was definitely laughing.

I wander back to my office and try to shake off Aro's comment. Usually people's jokes and jibes about my working style (and let's be honest my personal life too) slide off like water from a duck's back but this time it grates on me. I know I can be an arsehole to work with, I'm not a fool, and my colleagues aren't afraid to be honest with me, but I'm really uncomfortable about the fact that someone may have already given Isabella Swan this impression.

I study the back of her head from the doorway of my office as discreetly as possible. As backs of heads go it's a beautiful one. I clear my throat purposely and she leaps a foot in the air. What's the deal with this poor bird's nerves?

"Hi again, I'm sorry to keep you waiting." I say, sitting down at my desk. "Shall we get started?"

She nods, readies the pen and paper on her lap and smiles up at me. Once again my heart gathers some extra, unnecessary speed. This is getting quite ridiculous.

"So I assume Kate showed you the ropes before she left?"

"For the most part." Bella replies. "She didn't have a chance to go through everything but I've got the basics I think. Plus, I'm familiar with all the systems and procedures from Seattle so that's an advantage."

It's the most I've heard her speak so far. Her accent is delicate, easy on the ears. Some Americans can sound a little brash to me but Bella's voice is soft and subtle. Apparently my misbehaving heartbeat agrees.

"Good. Although I should warn you we have some of our own procedures that may differ from what you are used to."

A tiny wrinkle of confusion furrows her forehead. "But I thought all offices worked the same way with the same systems?"

I snort. "Not here they don't. We have some of our own methods that you'll _definitely_ need to adhere to." Was that a little harsh? I might as well get all the expectations on the table.

She nods but looks unsure. I remind myself that she is a pod person from Volturi Seattle and will need to be broken in a little.

"We'll go through all my current assignments and I'll get you up to speed on where we're at and then you can attack your in-tray and inbox which I can promise will be full about 30 seconds after I get logged on. Sound good?"

"Yes, sir" she nods.

"And enough of the 'sir'. We're not in school, Isabella."

She squares her shoulders and sits up a little straighter "Well then, enough of the 'Isabella'. It's _Bella_, remember?"

Whoa. Not so shy then, are you, Treacle? I can't help but chuckle, Aro may just end up eating his hat after all.

I hold up my hands "Got it. Fair enough. You did say so already after all, it must have slipped my mind." I lean forward in my chair and slide my eyes to hers. "I guess I was a little...distracted when I first saw you."

I hold her gaze steady and watch with satisfaction as that adorable blush slides up again from beneath her shirt. _Incredible._ And way too easy.

Although I started it, cocky shit that I am, I now find myself unable to draw my gaze away. Her eyes are chocolate brown pools I could drown in, her heart shaped face is open and innocent in a way that awakens things that really shouldn't be woken in an office environment, and her gorgeous long dark hair (already an Achilles' heel of mine) is swept back in a high pile on top of her head. A few strands have broken lose to frame her face and I have an inexplicable urge to undo the rest to see it flowing over her shoulders. I panic that I'm in danger of turning an embarrassing shade of red myself in a few seconds.

She finally breaks away and looks down at her lap. She looks a little lost, and for some reason sad too, and I instantly feel guilty. This sort of office flirting is exactly the sort of shit Aro is talking about and also could possibly lead to a lawsuit.

I clear my throat. "Anyway as I was saying, let's go through assignment by assignment, shall we?"

For the next hour I lose myself in what I love and almost forget about the weird atmosphere. I take her through each project; explain at what stage we're at, how many candidates are in the running and even my thoughts on those individuals. I imagine I go into way more depth than she needs to do her job, or than she is used to, but I can't help it. I'm passionate about headhunting. Plus I really believe that PAs should know the little details of an assignment because it allows them to do their job so much more easily.

By the end, Bella looks a little shell-shocked. She puts down her pen and asks. "So you are handling all of these assignments alone?"

She is stroking my ego a little here and I admit it feels good.

"Well not entirely alone as I have Jess and other researchers when I need them. And now you." I add with what I hope is a non-lecherous smile.

She smiles gently back. "It just seems like a lot, that's all. What sort of hours must you keep?"

Ah! Now I see where she is going with this.

"Pretty long to be honest. But don't worry, I would never expect you stay late except possibly when we're up against the occasional tight deadline."

She jumps in quickly. "Oh no I didn't mean that! I can do whatever is needed. I just meant, well _wondered_ really, don't you have a life?"

Ouch. I wasn't expecting that. I suddenly feel quite uncomfortable and don't really know how to respond. I guess I do spend a lot of time at the office but don't lots of businesspeople? And it's not like I don't go out or meet people or whatever. Although, admittedly, rarely the same person more than once...

Bella has taken my silence as offence and is quickly back-pedalling.

"God I'm sorry, Mr Cullen. I really can't believe I even just said that to you. It must be nerves or something-"

"Hey, Bella, it's fine seriously. No worries." I try to reassure her.

"-But really how many hours you work is definitely none of my business, not my place at all and-"

I place my hand down on the desk between us, reached out towards her.

"Seriously, I promise Bella. I'm not offended, don't worry. I was just surprised. I guess I never really think about it. I just love my job I suppose." I smile.

She grins back, apparently relieved.

I continue. "Anyway, I think we're basically finished here. Why don't you go and settle at your desk and give me a shout if you have any questions."

"Okay thanks." she turns to leave.

"Actually, one last thing." I remember. "No 'sir' but no 'Mr Cullen' either. That's my dad. Ed or Eddie is fine. Or Edward, if you must."

When she smiles and quietly repeats "Edward" before walking out I somehow feel it in my chest. It must be her gentle accent that makes my full name suddenly sound so good.

**A/N - I would love to hear what you think. **

**You can follow me on Twitter and Facebook under Amber's Pen for teasers, pictures and updates. Links in my bio. **

**Thanks, as always**

**A x**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer - I'm not Stephenie Meyer, and unfortunately can't pretend to be. She owns Twilight, I'm just playing with what could have been. **

**A/N - thanks to all who read and reviewed last time, I appreciate it so much. **

**Massive thank you to my beta, Trip - she has incredibly skills and isn't afraid to use them. **

**BPOV**

I've known Edward Cullen for over a week and I'm beginning to wonder if he actually has a home at all. Every morning when I arrive at 8.30 he is in his office, head bowed, only giving me a view of his unruly bronze hair, usually in the midst of report writing. When I leave at 6.30 he is still there and looking unlikely to be making a move for home any time soon. Does he sleep under his desk? He might as well. Or maybe he doesn't sleep at all? Perhaps he is a prototype headhunting cyborg that Volturi have invested in to improve efficiency. The _E-WARD 2000_ or something. That would certainly explain his God-like appearance; no human could be quite as gorgeous. Although I like to think my heart wouldn't race quite so fast when catching the eye of a robot.

Actually, maybe it's his personality that has given me the inhuman impression. Aside from that first day, where the tension in his office felt almost suffocating, he has barely found time to speak to me at all, outside of the completely necessary. We work, he gives me instructions and I follow them. As far as I can tell he seems pleased with my level of PA support but with no more than monosyllabic sentences between us it has been pretty difficult to tell.

With each day that has passed I've become more and more convinced that what I felt in his office was entirely in my imagination. When he held my gaze and told me I'd distracted him it was like I'd forgotten how to breathe. All I could think about was the intensity of his stare and how his lips quirked with just a hint of mischievousness. I'd been fairly certain that my new boss was flirting with me, and my racing heart seemed to support this theory, and yet for every day since he has looked at me with nothing but dull professionalism in his expression. Clearly, I imagined it - can over exposure to tea bring on hallucinations?

It is definitely for the best though. Thought-stoppingly stunning he may be, but he is also my boss. And, more importantly, I'm definitely not on the market for any dalliances, beautiful emerald eyes or not, given my situation. Not to mention the fact that Edward couldn't be more out of my league if he tried. He can quite clearly have any woman he wants and if I am to believe Jessica's whispered gossip he frequently does just that.

This morning I arrive at work a little behind schedule and I already have a voicemail flashing. Logging on my computer I hit the play button and a throaty and confident female voice sings out of my speakerphone.

"Hi, Edward! It's Rose here. Hope you are well, I really enjoyed seeing you at the conference last week - "

_Pfft, I'll bet you did!_ Her voice is husky and seductive and I deduce in less than 30 seconds that she must be one of the conquests I have heard so much about.

"Anyway," Bedroom Voice continues. "I heard you won the Coleman assignment and I wanted to pass on my congratulations - good for you, Eddie! Bit of a big one for you, mate, huh? Best of luck with it. Give me a call if you need any help dealing with Michael, won't you? You know I'm used to him and his ways. Later, babes!"

"Fucking bitch." The muttered curse comes from just behind my ear and I jump out of my seat, knocking over my morning latte and the tea I brought for Edward.

I whirl around to see him standing right over my shoulder, scowling at my telephone speaker.

"Jesus, I'm sorry." I dash around trying to find napkins to wipe up the spill. "I'm afraid that tea was yours."

He seems to notice me and the spilt drinks for the first time.

Ignoring both he asks, "When did that voicemail arrive?" His expression is that of someone with a foul taste in his mouth.

"Earlier this morning." I reply. "Who is she? Is she, erm, a friend of yours?"

He scoffs. "Right. Rosalie Hale is definitely no friend of mine."

He provides no further explanation and his face warns me not to ask. He watches me fuss around on my desk some more.

"Meet me in my office in five minutes Bella, there are some schedule amendments." He grimaces as my poorly cleaned up desk and soaked paper towels. "And bring me a fresh tea, will you?"

I grit my teeth and take a deep breath. _Don't rise to it, Bella._

We go through the schedule and today's priorities while Edward continues to scowl. When he can't find a particular dictation cassette he actually kicks his desk, making it shudder between us. Whoever Rosalie Hale is she clearly gets under his skin.

To be honest his childish temper tantrum is testing my patience but I remember Aro's words from last week and figure I should try to help him for the sake of the rest of the department, not to mention my own sanity.

I clear my throat. "Edward, I hope you don't take offence but you seem particularly...troubled this morning. Is there anything I can do to help?"

He meets my eyes and I see a brightness in those green orbs that I haven't seen since the day we met. He looks strangely touched. For a moment I hold his gaze and my breath catches. Then just as quickly the shutters are replaced. When he speaks though his tone is softer.

"Actually, maybe you can help. Shut the door for a sec."

Why does the mere act of closing the door to his office have my fingers trembling?

He sighs and drags his hand though his hair, making it even messier.

"In truth, Bella, I fucked up."

He proceeds to tell me about the situation between Coleman and Caius' off limits list. He doesn't elaborate but I get the impression from his tone that he has clashed with Caius in the past and Edward is now not on our CEO's list of people likely to receive a favour. Aro is angry and Edward looks pretty forlorn about it. I suppose if your work is as big a part of your life as it appears to be for Edward then having your boss disapprove of something you've done must be pretty upsetting.

It needs to be fixed before Edward's next meeting with Michael and I have a sudden desire to be the one to fix it for him.

"Listen," I say. "I know Caius, okay? He can be...difficult." I choose the word carefully, not wishing to bad mouth the CEO. "But I'm familiar with him. I know him. He is a reasonable person, but he is a by-the-book person and I get the impression that you're, well, not."

I smile and Edward grins wryly, letting me know I have him pegged. A workaholic and a big biller he may be but Edward Cullen appears to think "protocol" is for wimps. It actually makes sense for Caius to hate him.

"Leave it with me, I'll help you figure something out."

He looks relieved but dubious. "Please don't be offended, Bella, but what do you plan to do to convince Caius to alter their list?"

I let my smile spread across my face. "I know how he works, I know what he responds best to. Have a little faith, Edward."

I get up to get back to work and Edward gets up too and stops me with his hand on my arm. I can feel the heat of his long fingers through the thin material of my sweater.

"Bella" he says, meeting my eyes. "Thanks."

* * *

><p>By late afternoon we have a solution and I'm feeling quite proud of myself. An email to Caius' assistant gauged his mood. Next I sent him an extremely polite email explaining the situation, apologising on Edward's behalf and subtly suggesting Caius consider negotiating a US-only off limits deal with the company in question, thus opening more avenues for business in the UK and more money ultimately in Caius' pocket. By the end of our exchange I'm fairly certain I've convinced the CEO that the whole thing was his idea.<p>

When I inform Edward of the news he grins at me like a small boy on Christmas morning.

"Bella, you are a legend!" He announces. "Seriously, how grateful am I now for your US roots?" He winks and for a second I wonder if he is going to hug me. I fear if he does I may have a coronary. Fortunately, he gets a hold of himself and instead just collapses on his chair in visible relief.

"I'm glad to be of service." I smile.

An hour later I'm packing up for the day when he appears at my desk, coat on (_wow - grey wool, perfectly tailored...)_ and suitcase in hand. But it's 6pm, surely he can't be leaving?

"You off, Bella?" he asks.

I nod.

"Care to be escorted to the tube?" He still seems unable to keep the smile off of his face.

I smile back and grab my stuff. I still can't get used to the weather here so have foolishly only worn a button down sweater today, despite the obvious chill I feel when we step outside. I think my fashion errors can be forgiven, as it is supposed to be Spring! As the wind whips round my face though I figure the UK branch of Mother Nature's office didn't get the memo.

As we walk along and chatter about work Edward seems to notice my teeth are also chattering.

"Shit. Here, do you want to borrow my jacket?"

The thought of having anything wrapped around me that previously surrounded Edward makes me tremble harder but I'm too polite.

"God no, don't be silly, it's only 10 more minutes to the subway. I guess I'm not used to your unpredictable weather yet!" I laugh but it comes out more nervously than I would like.

Edward frowns and then reaches up and unwraps the scarf he has around his neck.

"At least take this then, it was overkill even bringing it."

Before I can protest he has halted our walking and is wrapping the wool gently around my neck. Within seconds I am hit by an intense wave of his cologne and it takes every ounce of willpower I have not to bury my face in his scarf and inhale. Even the thought of him catching me doing so makes me blush.

"Perfect." he murmurs, moving his eyes from the scarf now around my neck and up to my face. His gaze holds mine for a beat too long and I'm very aware of his hands still gently resting on my shoulders.

"Erm, thanks." I finally cast my eyes downward, needing to break away so I can breathe. Surely it's illegal for someone to have this much power over someone else's physical reactions?

He clears his throat and we start off walking again. Neither of us speaks and I'm grateful when we get to Baker Street station.

"So, which line you getting?" Edward asks, looking completely unruffled while I'm still trying to get my heart to slow down.

"Bakerloo."

"Me too" he grins. "Where are you staying? I can't believe I've been such a self-involved twat this week I haven't asked anything about you."

"Camden." I reply. "Right next to the tube."

"No way!" Edward exclaims, surprised. "I live in Camden too. That's a bit of an odd coincidence, eh?"

I shrug. "Maybe. But maybe Voluri did it on purpose. For, you know, convenience."

Edward chuckles. "Yeah that would make sense actually, Aro always likes a safety net where I'm concerned. Someone nearby to whip me into shape, drag me out of bed when necessary."

Did he just wink at me? Jesus, this guy is bad for my health.

I get a hold of myself _again_ and we continue to chat comfortably during the journey. Edward fills me in on all the gossip in the office, seemingly having no regard for confidentiality. But then I suppose it's only fair after the gossip I've heard about him. As we're nearing our stop his tone gets a little more serious.

"Bella, listen, I owe you a big apology."

I get the impression apologising doesn't come easy to him.

"This week I've barely spoken to you and when I have it's just been to bark out orders. I'm paranoid about what the others have told you about me and yet I've done nothing to give you a better impression."

He gives me a gentle smile. "You've been...perfect. And I've been a prize-winning tosser. You've really got me out of a sticky spot with that Caius thing and I want you to know I really appreciate it." His green eyes twinkle in the artificial light of the underground station.

He grins sardonically. "Anyway, from now on you have my word that I will be less of a grumpy bastard. I swear that isn't the real me."

Unsure what to say to all of that, I mumble my thanks into his scarf.

We've reached the exit now and I begin trying to explain where my place is.  
>He interrupts though. "So I was thinking as we're neighbours and all, and I really owe you one, how about you let me buy you a drink to say thanks properly?"<p>

_Christ, is he asking me out? Get a grip, Swan, of course he isn't! He is just being friendly._

I realise I want nothing more than to go for a drink with Edward. He fascinates me and I find myself itching to know more. Plus it beats going home to an empty, lonely apartment.

"Sure that would be great, thanks." I try to sound more confident than I feel.

Edward smiles and leads us to a bar 100 yards away.

"This used to be The Crown." He says. "A real old man pub, you know?"

I don't but I nod anyway and he continues.

"Then it got a revamp, a cocktail list and a trendy new name - _Equius_ - what total bollocks." He rolls his eyes at the sign above the entrance. "Anyway, the prices went up to pay for the fancy interior and the quality of the bitter went down but it's still my local." He holds the door open for me. "I just can't seem to let it go," he adds, chuckling to himself.

It's busy, dark and warm inside. The walls are painted in purple and silver stripes and two sides are lined with booths. There is a small dance floor to the right but as it is early nobody is dancing, instead there are just crowds of arty types standing around looking to be in deep conversation.

Edward heads to the chrome-edged bar which covers the length of the back wall and greets the barman by name.

"Garrett! Alright, mate?"

Garrett is already reaching for a pint glass when he asks Edward what he wants.

Edward replies "The usual" and Garrett fills his glass from a pump.

In the dark of the bar Edward's hair looks almost black and the desire to run my fingers through it is almost irresistible. The bar area is crowded and Edward has elbowed our way to a space. Standing this close I can't be sure if the delicious scent is coming from him or just his scarf round my neck.

"Bella?" He is looking at me curiously and I get the impression he may have been trying to get my attention for a few moments already.

"Yes?" I blink.

"Drink? What do you want?" He is smiling again and all these easy-going grins are such a pleasant contrast to the dark scowl he has been wearing all week.

"Well, at risk of upsetting you by encouraging the new look of this bar, I'd love a Cosmopolitan."

Edward rolls his eyes good-naturedly and Garrett fixes my drink. With practiced stealth, Edward negotiates the crowds and leads us to a booth in the corner, which is miraculously empty. It must be nice to glide through life as simply as Edward does.

We each slide into the booth and he puts my cocktail in front of me. I quickly notice the framed print above his head.

"_Galatea of the Spheres_." I murmur.

He glances up to where I'm looking at the Salvador Dali painting.

"You know Dali?" he asks, curiously.

I really wish I could stop blushing every time he asks me a question.

"I'm not an expert or anything." I stutter "But I'm familiar with the famous ones.

He's my favourite artist, I guess."

Edward's eyes light up.

"Mine too." he says. "Have you been to Embankment yet?"

I shake my head. I've hardly been anywhere. I tell myself it's because I haven't had time but in honesty I'm uncomfortable going to a lot of places alone. It makes me feel exposed.

"You should definitely check it out." Edward is saying. "There is an excellent Dali exhibition down there. I've been several times."

I wonder for a moment if he is about to suggest we go together but he doesn't and I chastise myself. _He is just making conversation, dummy._

He takes a sip of his beer and I try not to stare at his mouth. His tongue flicks out to clear the foam from his lip and I distract myself by taking a sip of my own drink. It's perfectly made - a wonderful balance of sweet and sharp, and the warmth of the vodka travels down my chest and makes me relax a little. I can't help the small sigh that slips from my lips.

Edward stares at me. "That good, eh?" He smirks. "Garrett is a bit of a cocktail legend, or so I've heard."

"You've never tried one?"

His smirk broadens "Can you imagine me with a flowery drink, Bella?"

"Go on." I say, gently pushing the Cosmo across the table to him and raising an eyebrow. "_Taste it._ I promise I won't tell anyone."

He smiles the lop-sided grin that is quickly becoming my favourite.

"Okay, okay" he agrees, and lifts the delicate glass to his mouth. I admit he does look a little ridiculous and I try not to laugh. I also try not to think about the fact that his lips are touching the glass exactly where mine were a moment earlier.

"Well fuck" he exclaims. "That is bloody delicious, I must admit."

He looks almost pained giving it back to me and returning to his pint.

"I really wish I hadn't tried that, you know." He is pouting and it is oddly endearing. "Now how will I resist next time?"

I have to giggle. "Maybe you can have one and Garrett can put it in a more manly glass for you." I tease.

"Good plan." He goes back to his pint with a grimace.

"So I owe you another explanation." He says more seriously.

My curiosity is piqued. "You do?"

"Yeah this morning. That voicemail." He studies the napkin underneath his drink. "I totally overreacted and took it out on you. Again, I'm sorry and I should probably explain about her as it's bound to come up again."

"Okay."

He sighs. "Rosalie Hale used to work for Volturi. Aro brought her in about six months after I joined. I was young and cocky and he specifically employed her with the idea of she and I working together as a good team. He thought her attention to detail would keep me on the straight and narrow, whilst I could teach her about schmoozing the clients. It worked out pretty well for a few years. We fought, obviously, but Aro is sharp and he was right about our complementary personalities. I trusted her, which is kind of rare. We were...friends."

I get the distinct impression from his tone that they were more than that but I stay silent.

"A year ago she upped and left without a word to join one of our competitors but not before stealing a fair few of our joint contacts. Aro was furious and there was talk of taking her to court for Breach of Confidentiality but nothing ever came of it. I was gutted, not to mention, livid. I'm not sure what I ever did to upset her but ever since she left she has made it her mission to wind me up. Every time I see her at an industry event or when we lock horns over a client we used to share she says whatever she can to get my back up, including patronising bollocks like this morning. She had three years to learn all my buttons and now she's like a kid who can't resist pushing them."

His jaw is set and his fists clenched and I can't help but think there was more to Rosalie leaving than he is letting on. Still, stealing contacts and clients is like breaking a commandment in the search industry so I can understand why he is angry.

"I'm sorry that happened." I say, unsure what else to offer.

Edward shrugs and slides his mask back in place. "That's the way it goes in this game, I guess. As a result though I don't trust a lot of people at Volturi, I must admit. You don't know who is going to stab you in the back next."

He is eyeing me carefully and my stomach flips uncomfortably.

"Well hopefully you can trust me eventually." I say, optimistically.

"Oh yeah of course, Bella," he stutters. "That's not what I meant at all."

But in reality I know we have a long way to go.

* * *

><p>Three hours and eight Cosmopolitans later and it feels like we've made some headway. His eyes are misty, pupils dilated and his lazy smile has become a permanent fixture. With every laugh or look or simple brush of a touch I feel my barriers slipping and the pull of Edward Cullen increasing. He was beautiful before but the alcohol I have drunk has made him stunningly blurry round the edges, and it is taking every ounce of energy I have not to leap over the table and slide into his lap.<p>

I allow myself the indulgence of wondering what would happen if I did just that. I imagine lifting my hand and moving it the short distance between the table and his face, as he leans eagerly towards me, and grazing the five o clock shadow on his incredible jaw with my fingertips. Would he pull away? Instinct tells me he wouldn't. Would he lean into my touch, maybe kiss my palm softly, gaze into my eyes with his smouldering green ones? What if I slid my hand up into his hair; hair that he has been dragging his fingers through all evening? Every time I had to look away to stop myself from doing the same. Would it feel as soft as it looks? Would he make a sound, like a sigh, and lean towards me, brushing his mouth against -

"Hey, Swan, you listening?" He is asking me, laughing. Apparently hours of drinking have put us on a last name basis.

"Yes. Yes of course." I choke out.

"So I was saying the most ridiculous one of all has to be 'faucet'? I mean what the fuck is that about?" He is slurring slightly but it only makes his voice sound more delicious to my muffled ears.

"I mean most of your words are simplified versions, right? You've taken the English version and made it childproof - 'pavement' and 'sidewalk' for example, talk about say what you see. But 'faucet' I just don't get, what is wrong with 'tap' - simple and efficient."

He is speaking so passionately about English UK/English US language discrepancies that it makes me giggle.

"'Faucet' is much prettier." I counter.

"My point entirely, Sweetheart, way too pretty for a plumbing outlet."

My heart stutters on the endearment and takes a full two seconds to get going again.

"So what is with your accent anyway, _Mr Cullen_?" The vodka cocktails have made me cheeky and bold. "You don't speak quite like the others."

He looks a little taken aback and slightly crestfallen, clearly this is a sore spot.

"Well, shit, if even you have noticed the difference then it must be pretty obvious."

"I have an ear for accents I guess." I try to reassure.

"I come from the South East coast." He tells me. "Essex. Slightly different accent down there."

"Are your family there?" In my growing Edward Cullen obsession I have attempted to coax more personal information from him all evening but without much success.

"Yeah. Some." He mutters, uncomfortable. "Anyway, do you want another drinkie? These Cosmos are bloody fantastic." He stumbles a little as he stands and I laugh.

"Don't you think we've had enough?" I ask. One of us has to be sensible.

Edward makes a puppy dog face that squeezes my heart but relents. We drag ourselves out of the booth and I wrap his scarf back around my neck. As we step outside and I slip on the step and almost fall to the ground.

"Whoa there!" He grabs my arm and steadies me. Fire runs up from where his hand is in contact with my elbow.

He looks my way and holds out the crook of his arm to me. "M'lady, would you like to be escorted more safely?" he winks.

"Like you are any steadier!" I scoff but link my arm through his anyway. We begin to stumble along and his scent drifts all around me.

"I was wrong about you, Bella." He says.

"How do you mean?"

"I though you were shy."

"I _am_ shy!"

He looks at me sceptically.

"Okay well even the shyest of people relax after this much vodka." I explain and he smiles wryly.

We amble in silence for a few minutes, each dragging the other up when we stumble. I indicate the way to my apartment and he insists on escorting me "like a proper English gent."

We reach my door and turn to face each other. All night we have been at ease but now the tension rises again and I'm not sure what we're waiting for but we're definitely waiting.

I pull his scarf from around my neck and hand it back to him silently. He takes it and catches my fingers at the same time, giving them a gentle squeeze.

He half bows/half falls and a laugh bursts from my chest. He uses the break in my concentration to move in suddenly closer to me, one arm leaned casually on the doorframe behind my head and his face an inch from mine.

I freeze. He moves his head alongside mine and grazes my cheek with his lips. Soft. Warm. _Perfect._

"Goodnight, Bella Swan." He whispers.

I expect him to move back but instead he lowers his head and finds the exposed skin of my throat. He presses his lips to my pulse and I forget how to breathe, how to move, how to speak. Back and forth he brushes his mouth across my skin until I'm sure the trembling in my mind must show in my body too.

Apparently taking my lack of speech and movement as encouragement he moves to face me, barely a breath between us. His other hand gently falls to my waist, effectively blocking me in against the door.

I can hear his slightly laboured breaths. I can feel his eyes on my face, willing me to look up and meet his but I'm afraid if I do I will be lost.

"Bella," he murmurs, bringing his hand to my cheek.

I finally meet his gaze and it's as if he is looking into my soul. He leans his face even closer and I suddenly feel exposed, cold, wide open and afraid.

"No." I whisper, putting my hands on his shoulders and pushing him back. He retreats, looking hurt...and drunk.

At once, I feel completely sober and a little sick. This is not what I came here for; I don't want this man to see me, to know me, to touch me. I don't want him to see into my soul and know my secrets, my shame. He has no place and no right.

Sudden anger courses through me. And this is Edward Cullen, for fuck's sake! Workaholic. Ladies' man. I bet he has bedded every PA they have ever given him!

"What do you think you're doing?" The volume of my voice in the silent, damp night makes us both jump.

"Nothing. I'm sorry. I didn't mean - I'm sorry." He stumbles and stutters and puts space between us. His green eyes are confused. Part of me feels sorry for my outburst and desperately wants to take it back and pull him back against my door.

But I don't. I crack instead.

"This is the usual method, is it?" I snarl. "Take your PA out, ply her with drink and make your move?"

I watch his face slowly harden.

"No." He almost growls.

"Oh really? Because that's not what I've heard."

"What you've heard means _nothing_!" he shouts, anger to match mine. "You know NOTHING about me!"

We stare at each other and I wonder what the hell just happened. I shiver and desperately want to be inside.

"You should leave." I say quietly.

"Yeah." he mutters, turns and walks away without another word.

**A/N - I would love to hear what you think. **

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**Thanks, as always**

**A x**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer – All things Twilight belong to the fantastic Stephenie Meyer. But I own this Britishward. We gave America Rob so I'm taking back Edward ;-)**

**A/N – Thank you to Trip for whipping my writing into shape. **

**I'm touched that there are so many new people following this story – thanks to all and especially to those who have reviewed. I'm glad you are still enjoying it. More from Eddie C below. **

**EPOV**

_The whole floor is in darkness except for my office. I hear a sound from the doorway and look up from my work to see her. Grey suit, tiny waist, eyes like endless dark pools and hair swept up, again. Tormenting me._

_"Hi." She whispers, biting her lip and causing my cock to stir. "I'm going home, I just came in to say goodnight."_

_"Come in here for a sec." I command and she slips inside, closing the door behind her. My heart is pounding, as it always is for her, and I move around in front of my desk so we are standing eye to eye._

_"Don't go yet." I whisper._

_"I have to." She says._

_"Not yet. I have something to tell you."_

_"What?" She murmurs, eyes round and bright and innocent._

_But I have no words. My mind is completely blank._

_Instead, I reach up and pull the slide from her hair, watching the dark waves tumble softly to her shoulders, even more beautiful than I imagined. I can't help the satisfied sigh that escapes my lips._

_I put my hands gently on her waist and pull her towards me._

_"Edward...?" My name sounds incredible on her lips._

_I tilt her chin and gaze down at her. She stares back, silent and breathless._

_"Kiss me then." Her voice is so quiet I can't be entirely sure that is even what she said but I'm not going to argue. _

_I press my lips to hers and she lets out a gasp that makes me hungry and hard. I slip my tongue into her soft, warm mouth and I can't help but groan at her taste - sweet and perfect._

_She slides her hand to the back of my head and grasps my hair, eliciting another groan from me. I turn her around and lift her onto my desk, pushing papers and equipment aside. I'm greedy now and urgent. She wraps her legs around my waist as I bring my mouth back to hers and push myself against her warmth._

_There is a noise, loud and blaring, and the logical part of my mind tells me it's the fire alarm but she has me too mesmerised to care. But it's louder and louder and -_

I jolt awake with a gasp, face down on the mattress, breathing hard.

"Fuck." I groan, palming one of the most painfully hard erections I've ever had. I reach across and turn off the alarm clock but even awake I can't get her out of my mind - her face, her hair, her taste...

My hand is back on my cock and I know there is no point denying myself, no cold shower is going to fix this. Slipping inside my boxers I notice with surprise there is already moisture at the tip.

"_Fuck_." What sort of dream was that? If my alarm hadn't gone off would I have shot my load in my sleep like a teenager?

I take a few slow, firm strokes and close my eyes. We're back in my office and she's on my desk with her fingers slowly undoing my tie and shirt buttons. She slides her tiny hands inside and breaks our kiss to move her mouth to my chest, running her tongue over my nipple. I make light work of her suit jacket and rip her shirt open, sending buttons spinning everywhere. I push both my hands inside her bra and squeeze her breasts gently, marvelling at how perfectly they fit in my palms.

She reaches for the fly on my trousers and in bed I quicken my hand. I need to come. _Now._

She pushes my trousers down and glances up at me. She slides her hand inside my boxers and I imagine how that first touch would feel.

On the bed I'm writhing and groaning and already close, so fucking close. She strokes me, gently at first and then harder and harder. When she takes me in her mouth I can barely think, can only watch her in my mind and stroke and pump and faster and more and -

"Shit!" I come, hard, spilling against the sheets.

I lie back and try to catch my breath. I can't think of a time I've ever felt so satisfied from just a wank. I can't help but imagine how intense it would be if it were real...

And then it hits me, right in the centre of my chest. Last night. _Real life_, last night.

I suddenly feel a little sickened with myself. _She doesn't want you, Fuckhead, remember? You practically forced yourself on her and she told you where to stick it. And instead you're fucking tossing yourself off over her!_

As details from last night trickle back to me I realise that my head is also pounding; bloody girly cocktails. I'm still not entirely sure what happened. One minute we were laughing and talking, and the next I had my mouth on her.

But as I remember the texture of her skin, the smell of her neck, I can feel my dick beginning to harden again. Christ, I haven't had recovery time this short since I was 21.

The memory of her pushing me away has me cringing. _God, Cullen, you are some sort of predator boss._ But she liked me too, right? At least I thought she did. All night I kept catching her staring at me, and when she knew I caught her she would blush that delicious shade that made me want to hug her and lick her at the same time. There was definite tension between us, I didn't imagine that surely?

Then I remember the rest - her words, her anger - and everything suddenly makes sense. Of course someone as refined and adorable and fucking beautiful as Bella Swan would shy away from the office scoundrel, the moody bastard, the commitment-shy bachelor. And she is right, isn't she; I am all of those things. What was I really aiming for with that kiss on her neck - I _did_ want to fuck her. And then what? Return to work, awkward and uncomfortable. There was certainly nothing else, I had nothing else to give and everyone at Volturi clearly knows that. Apparently, including Bella.

Rolling up the ruined sheets I stumble out of bed on unsteady legs, guilt rolling over me. She is new to the country, shy, friendless as far as I can tell, and instead of being a friend, or indeed a _boss_, I just tried to take advantage. I deserve everything she said. As I get in the shower and wash off the remnants of my dream, my fantasy, I force myself to realise it is just that. She is just my PA and not someone I can fuck and forget about like usual, and I need to remember that. So why are her hair and scent and eyes all I can think about?

* * *

><p>As I take the short walk from the tube to the office I start to feel more nervous. After what was said and done, the idea of facing Bella makes my heart race uncomfortably and my palms sweaty. It is so rare for me to feel anything for a woman, besides lust or irritation, that it's a strangely novel experience. For some reason Bella Swan has the ability to reduce me to a schoolboy, a feeling I haven't been exposed to in so many years I had almost forgotten it entirely.<p>

I enter the building, press the button for the lift and wonder what the hell I will say to her. Will she pretend nothing happened? Will she confront me again?  
>Technically she could report me but something tells me she won't. Will she even be here? That thought is easily the worst; the idea that my actions could drive away such a delicate person make makes me feel like a villain. <em>Please let her at least be here.<em>

I exit the lift and as I near my office I unexpectedly hear Bella's quiet and distinct American laughter. I round the corner and see Jasper standing next to her desk and Bella giggling as if he is doing stand-up at The Comedy Store. Her face is bright, happy and evidently free of any of the anxiety plaguing mine.

Suddenly raging I practically jog the last few steps to stand behind them, waiting for either to notice me. I note the exact second Bella senses my presence because her expression instantly transforms from carefree to uncomfortable. My heart sinks to the grey office carpet and my fists clench in jealousy. What the hell is J even doing here?

"Good Morning, Edward." Bella says in a quiet voice, looking down. I long to see her eyes to try to know what she is thinking.

Jasper turns around at Bella's words and grins at me.

"Ed! Alright, mate, how's it going?"

Why is he so fucking cheery?

"Fine. You?" I ask through gritted teeth. _Jesus, Ed, get a grip of yourself._

Jasper frowns at my tone and raises a questioning eyebrow.

"Perhaps better than you," he mutters.

I take a deep breath and try to steady my heart. "Shall we just go through to my office?" I ask. Jasper nods, confused, and follows me.

"Tea please, Bella." I call out without looking at her.

Jasper closes the door behind him and studies me carefully.

"Mate, what the fuck is up with you?" He finally asks.

I sit at my desk and Jasper follows suit. I feel a little ridiculous but still I can't shake off my irritation. I'm walking along agonising about a potentially awkward situation between Bella and I, fretting that the poor, shy little thing would be feeling so uncomfortable that she wouldn't even show up and meanwhile she is sitting there right as rain cackling her fucking head off with my best mate who, to the best of my knowledge, she hadn't even met until today.

Jasper is still staring at me, waiting for my response.

"What were you and my PA chatting about that was so bloody funny?" I eventually ask, narrowing my eyes at him.

He continues to look baffled. "Nothing much, just general office banter." He eyes me carefully. "Why? What's the problem?"

"Were you talking about me?"

Jasper barks out a short laugh. "Jesus, of course not. Seriously, what is up with you Ed? You're acting like a bit of paranoid loony right now you know."

Before I have a chance to respond the door opens and Bella walks in with a tray of tea. She places it in front of me and her perfume fills my nostrils, suddenly transporting me back to last night. She is leaning around me to put down the tray and her throat is once again inches from my mouth. _Her skin felt so soft..._

"Thanks," I mutter and she glances my way, turning crimson.

"You're welcome," she murmurs and dashes back out.

When I look back at Jasper is looking decidedly less confused and more smug.

"Ah, right, I see," he says, grinning wickedly. "You're having a piece of Bella."

"Don't be fucking ridiculous, J."

He laughs a little and I really want to wipe the smirk off his face. He lowers his voice, grinning. "Have you already shagged her?"

I clench my fists. "Bloody hell, of course I haven't! She's my Assistant."

J snorts. "Like that would stop you..."

He is really getting on my nerves now. "Nothing is going on with Bella and I and nor will it. I just didn't like the idea of you talking to her about me. It seems she has already heard quite enough rumours from those bastards out there." I gesture outside my office.

Jasper holds up his hands. "Hey, whatever you say, Ed. I believe you." I know he doesn't. "And if you must know I was filling her in on Aro's escapades at the dinner after the conference last week and she clearly found it amusing."

"Oh," I reply, feeling like an idiot and desperate for a subject change. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"I was passing so I figured I'd drop over the signed proposal." Jasper says, reaching into his laptop bag and handing me the document.

I sigh. "Thanks, mate; and sorry...about that. Got out the wrong side of bed that's all."

"Hey, no worries," he smiles. "So, do you wanna go for a drink tonight? I could do with an evening out of the house, to be honest."

I think of crazy Maria and that makes a lot of sense.

"Sure," I say. "Agenda at 6.30?"

"Sounds good." He gets up and grabs his stuff. "See you then."

He steps outside my office and says his goodbyes to Bella and Jess.

"It was great to meet you, Bella," he says, smiling, and I don't miss the quick glance he shoots in my direction. I scowl at him and close my office door. Jasper's ability to read my feelings like a book has always been bloody irritating.

I return to my desk and log on. I have work coming out of my ears, a lot of which demands my urgent attention and yet my mind keeps drifting back to the dark haired girl sitting a few feet away on the other side of the wall. Is she still angry with me? She seemed calm enough but who knows what she is thinking. She could be planning a trip to HR as I sit here. Strangely the thought doesn't even panic me; all I want to know is how she feels this morning.

"Get. A. Grip." I mutter to myself quietly, shaking my head. This is fucking ridiculous. I met her a week ago, I barely know her and it was just a drunken error in judgement.

I begin going through my emails. I start finalising the Coleman brief because now Bella has fixed my Caius problem Jess can get started properly. How did she do that, anyway? Why did he listen to her? She must have something over him. Or maybe they have a history or -

STOP IT! It's like every train of thought leads back to Bella today. Who cares what history she has with anyone! I'm starting to think this is just about my ego. I'm not used to being rejected by women, it sounds awfully conceited but I know how I look, I get affirmations from women all the time. I don't struggle to pull birds and I never have. Keeping them is a different matter but these days I have no interest in keeping them so what does it matter? What I'm not used to, however, is women rejecting my advances and yelling at me on the street (at least not before sex!). Bella bruised my ego last night and now I'm obsessing over it.

Pleased that I've managed to explain my feelings to myself I manage to focus on work. If I can get the urgent stuff done I can get down to the pub to meet J and maybe later pick up a woman. Everything will feel better when both my dick and my ego are sated. I'll just put Bella Swan down to experience.

The knock on my office door makes me jump. I look up and it's her. My body instantly reacts and I hate myself for it.

"Hi Bella," I say lightly. "Do you want me?"

As soon as the words are out of my mouth I feel the double meaning and cringe.

"Er, I mean, what can I do for you?" I stutter. Seriously, a schoolboy. What the fuck?

"I need your signature please." She requests quietly, placing three invoice letters in front of me. I hastily sign them and hope she doesn't notice my unsteady hand.

"Thanks," she says coldly and goes to leave.

This isn't right. We have to work together and I don't want every interaction we have to be like this one. I like my life to be simple, straightforward. Work is a big part of my life and I don't want to feel uncomfortable the entire time. Plus, she's a great girl. We were having a fun evening before I...ruined it. Maybe we can be mates or something. Alice keeps telling me I could use a female friend as she is tired of carrying the burden of "repressing my inner dickheadedness" all alone. Plus, even I will admit that I'd love to know more about Bella, if only to satisfy my curiosity.

"Bella, wait."

She turns to face me but keeps her eyes cast slightly away from mine. I gesture towards the chair and she sits back down.

I take a deep breath.

"Bella, I really need to apologise. About last night."

This would be so much easier if she would just look at me but her eyes are in her lap, her hands clasped.

I clear my throat and attempt to steady my heartbeat.

"I feel terrible. I obviously...misunderstood the situation." I notice her face twitch slightly and the slight blush begins high on her cheeks.

I continue. "I was pretty battered, but I know that is no excuse. It was inappropriate for me to touch you and I'm really sorry."

_Please just say something._

"Not to mention the fact that I'm your superior. I mean, you would have every right to report me to HR and -"

At once her head jerks up and her eyes lock onto mine. "Edward, I would never do that!"

She seems surprised that I would even think of such a thing, which I find surprising in itself. If she really was rebuffing my advances, which her actions and anger definitely implied, then why would she not be angry enough to consider reporting me?

She is still looking at me and now I've forgotten my train of thought.

"Edward, I wouldn't report you for something like that. It was just a silly...misunderstanding, as you say."

She lowers her eyes again and her blush returns.

"I'm sorry too, for yelling at you and for, erm, giving you the wrong idea. It wasn't my intention."

I think back to last night and her blushes and playful banter and casual touches. I know I wasn't imagining that. But if she says she isn't interested then she isn't interested. I'm thankful that she isn't still angry with me at least.

"Good." I say, relieved. "Well I'm really glad we've had this chat, cleared the air etc."

I consider the other reason I brought her in here.

"Before, well, what happened, I was having a really fun evening."

She smiles, glancing at me again. "I was too," she admits.

"So I was thinking," I continue. "Maybe we can go for a drink again at some point? As friends I mean, obviously."

She looks conflicted. "You want to be friends with me?"

"Well yeah. Why not?"

She doesn't say anything for a moment and when she does her expression is guarded.

"Edward, I don't think that is a good idea. You are my boss and I think we should just keep it that way. Working relationship only."

I feel like she has picked up my water glass and thrown the contents in my face.  
>For some reason this hurts even more than her pushing me away last night.<p>

"Oh okay. Well yes of course. That's fine too." I say.

She stares at me for a second and this time I'm the one avoiding eye contact.

Finally she says. "Okay, thanks. On that note, I'm going to get on with typing your reports."

By the time I look up from my desk she has left the room.

* * *

><p>When Jasper arrives at Agenda he looks distinctly harassed and it wouldn't take a genius to guess why.<p>

"For fucks sake!" he exclaims in place of a greeting, and collapses at the bar next to me.

I give him a cautious smile "Alright, mate?"

"No I'm not bloody alright! I swear I could actually kill that woman sometimes!"

He doesn't need to explain who "that woman" is to me. If the government were ever recruiting a poster boy for some anti-marriage propaganda then Jasper would definitely be the top candidate on my shortlist.

"What happened?" I ask, swigging from my beer and gesturing to the barmaid to bring another for J.

"What happened is that two years ago I married a paranoid, co-dependent, neurotic psychopath!"

I've heard this sort of outburst from him many a time. The first few times I was hopeful that it meant he was finally going to do something about it but they then became so commonplace that I realised there was no point assuming it would come to anything as by the next day he was back to defending her and playing the doting husband.

"But what _actually_ happened though?" I ask, carefully.

He takes a deep breath and appears to calm himself, gratefully taking a gulp from the beer I've put in front of him.

"The usual" he mutters. "I tell her I'm going to the pub and she decides to interrogate me to a level anti-terrorism police wouldn't even stoop to. Who with? How long will you be out? Why didn't you tell me earlier? Am I meeting another woman? Etc. etc…."

He puts his head in his hands and let's out a frustrated groan.

"God!" he lifts his weary gaze to mine. "Ed, what the fuck do I do?"

Now here is the part I hate. Maria Whitlock is one of the most selfish, self-involved, obsessive, controlling and truly _frightening_ women I have ever had the misfortune of knowing. Jasper met her five years ago when they both worked for a large IT company in the City. She was always a little insecure but I thought it was quite sweet and she seemed to make J happy so that was good enough for me.

Then he married her.

After that with every passing week she became more and more insecure. She would fly into a jealous rage if he returned home even five minutes later than he said he would. When he started his own company Jasper began with three staff, one of which was a woman. Maria became obsessed with the idea that he was cheating of her with his employee to the point that she would turn up unannounced at the office practically daily to try to catch them out. J wasn't cheating and he never would (although how he resisted when all he had at home was heartache and a cold bed was beyond me). As far as I can tell he is as attentive, loving and as understanding as any bloke can be but it isn't enough for her. She clearly has issues but, despite Jasper's numerous pleas, she refuses to speak to a professional. So he just puts up with it. And occasionally vents like this.

But here is my problem. I could advise him to get out, I happily would and have done in the past, but he doesn't listen. For some reason he feels obligated to her and just will not break those ties. So anything derogatory I say against Maria in this moment just means a huge feeling of awkwardness when he makes it up with her. Again.

Additionally, I have the added complication of knowing that my little sister is entirely in love with him. And that he feels something for her too, not that he would admit it. But that's irrelevant. Jasper is my best mate, but best friend or not he is not getting anywhere near Alice with that wedding band still on his finger, no matter how many lingering glances they give each other.

Finally, I simply say, "Are you happy, J?"

He shrugs. "What do you reckon?"

"Is Maria even happy?"

I regret these words when his face falls and I can see him mentally berating himself for being a bad husband.

"I don't see how she can be" he replies sadly.

I think carefully. Okay, one last try.

"So maybe you need to give her an ultimatum."

He looks up interestedly. "In what way?"

"Tell her that things can't go on as they are and if she wants to stay married she needs to speak to a therapist. If not, you're out."

He actually looks like he is considering it. Then he smiles wryly and shakes his head.

"I can't believe I'm considering marriage advice from a bloke who is shagging his Assistant." He grins.

"For fucks sake, J, I'm not shagging Bella!" I exclaim.

"So what has happened then?" He asks, and I sense he is just trying to distract himself.

"Nothing."

"I don't believe you. I saw the way you looked at each other when she brought in the tea."

I scoff. "I don't give a shit if you believe me or not. It's the truth."

I realise I'm not even lying. As per our earlier conversation, Bella and I are nothing but work colleagues.

Jasper continues to look sceptical.

"She's just your type, Ed, you know she is. Dark, petite and plus she's got this innocent thing going on that must be driving you insane."

For fucks sake, how did I let this guy get to know me so well?

"Sounds like you wouldn't mind a go yourself, J?" I retort.

J rolls his eyes. "No way, Eddie C, you know I only have eyes for one woman."

I eye him steadily. "Yes. I do know that." I say the words seriously and slowly and make sure he knows we're both talking about Alice.

He squirms in his seat under my scrutiny and tries to change the subject back to me. I feel like we're in an unpleasant conversation tug-of-war tonight.

"You have to admit you've thought about it, Ed? With Bella?" he says.  
>I shrug, trying my best to look nonchalant. "I guess. I think about it with most women. She's nothing new."<p>

Shrewd bastard that he is, Jasper must notice something twitching in my face because his voice suddenly goes from teasing to incredulous.

"Jesus," he says, sounding ridiculously awed. "You actually _like_ her."

I stay silent, and fiddle with my beer mat.

Jasper sits back in his chair and let's out a low whistle.

"Wow. How did that happen?"

Not for the first time that day I fight the urge to knock his block off.

"Nothing has happened, J! I don't even fucking know her. Stop sitting there all smug, pretending you know something. Nothing has happened and nothing will." I pause and think of her strange hot and cold attitude and her refusal to be friends.

"She isn't that sort of girl." I add.

Jasper looks thoughtful but oddly triumphant.

"No," he agrees. "And that, my friend, is the point. I was wrong; she isn't your usual type. She may have that look but she isn't an easy lay that you picked up in a bar. She's a permanent fixture in your life and Ed Cullen _never_ allows himself the indulgence of an attraction with anyone he can't easily sneak away from the next morning. That is _precisely_ how I know you like her."

I try to warn him with my eyes to back the fuck off but he clearly doesn't get the message.

He swigs from his bottle of beer. "Ed. I'm being serious here. When's it going to stop?"

"When's what going to stop?"

"The mindless, soulless fucking; the sneaking out of windows; the giving out of fake phone numbers." He pauses, looking at me carefully, guardedly.

"The _revenge_." He almost whispers.

I know where he is going with this and I want him to stop. My mouth is dry and my fingers are clenched tightly around my bottle.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Jasper?" I spit out through gritted teeth.

"Not what, Ed. who. When are you going to move on?"

I scoff and laugh humourlessly. "Don't you think I fucking have?"

"No." comes his serious reply.

I sense that this is not going to be one of those times where he lets me off. I sense he has wanted to say this for a while but I haven't wanted to hear it. I still don't.

He leans in closer, a dangerous move in my opinion. He speaks carefully, enunciating every word as if I were a child.

"You need to let it go, mate. Unless you wanna end up bitter and alone. You need find a way to move on _properly_ and forget what Tanya and -"

"Fucking shut up!" I slam my bottle down on the bar and some of the other customers glance up at us. I don't care; my blood is on fire.

"Do not even THINK about saying her name to me. Saying their names. Or so help me, J, I will seriously LOSE MY SHIT with you." I'm practically growling and he knows he is pushing me too far.

He holds up his hands in defence. "Okay, okay fine. You don't want to talk about it. Whatever. But one day someone is going to get inside and you won't be able to keep her out. And my money is on this Bella."

I roll my eyes. Take a deep breath.

"Look. Nothing _has_ happened with her, okay? And it won't either. She's hot as fuck, I tried to nail her last night and she knocked me back." I despise the language I'm using but it's as if I've forgotten how to speak about women in any other way. Clearly done with his infuriating lecture, Jasper now does this annoying thing where he stares and says nothing and if you are the sort of person who hates silences, you'll end up filling it with something you don't really want to reveal. He should have been a shrink rather than an IT guru.

I'm the sort of person who hates silences.

"I felt bad, like a pervert. I thought she might report me so I cleared the air with her this morning and apologised." I don't admit to the other reasons I said sorry. "I, erm, kind of asked if she wanted to be mates." I can practically feel Jasper's eyes widening. "The little mare said no. Said she wanted to keep it professional only so that's that. It's just an ego thing; and a frustration thing. I just need to get laid I reckon."

I pause to finally look at Jasper. His concerned face is much more annoying than his smug face.

"Happy now, J?" I practically spit out. "Now I've blabbed out my secrets?"

Jasper just shakes his head and smiles ruefully.

"Not really" he says. "I'm just suddenly grateful for my shitty marriage because you my friend, well, you're in _real_ trouble."

I'm not entirely sure he is kidding.

**A/N - would really love to hear your thoughts, every review alert makes my heart sing a little! :) Teasers for reviewers again of course.**

**You can follow me on Twitter at AmbersPen.**

**Thanks, as always**

**A x**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer – All things Twilight belong to the fantastic Stephenie Meyer. But I own this Britishward. We gave America Rob so I'm taking back Edward ;-)**

**A/N – How excited is everyone about Breaking Dawn? I'm going tonight and can hardly think of anything else. **

**Massive thanks to all the new readers of The Search - thanks for alerting. Extra special thanks to those who also took time to review - I love to hear what you all think. Huge thanks to the wonderful Trip as always for beta-ing. **

**On with the show! I promised you the reappearance of Emmett.**

**BPOV**

"So let me get this straight."

Even through the poor quality Skype I can see Emmett's amused smirk.

"You've been there less than three weeks and you've already saved your boss' assignment, then seduced him and then broken his heart?"

I groan in frustration but I'm also laughing a little because I miss Emmett and his teasing.

"Em, that isn't exactly what I said."

"That's how I heard it."

"I didn't save the assignment, I just helped a little. And I certainly didn't seduce him! You know I wouldn't, I can't. We were just a little drunk and things got...confused."

Emmett raises a sceptical eyebrow. "Is that what you kids are calling it these days?"

He pauses then, looking thoughtful.

"What's he like, this dude? Is he hot?"

I can't help but laugh. "Emmett! Do you seriously want to talk about the hotness of my new boss? Are you switching teams?" I tease.

But we've been friends for a long time and even as I'm kidding around I can feel the telltale heat moving up my face and I know Emmett has noticed it too. My mind involuntarily returns to the moment outside my apartment. How I was caught utterly breathless when his mouth gently brushed my throat. His large warm hand gripping my waist and sending tingles into my stomach...

Emmett is still awaiting my answer and looking more and more amused by the second.

"Yes, fine!" I relent. "He is fucking gorgeous if you must know."

"So why didn't you let him kiss you?"

I cast my eyes downwards. "You know why."

Emmett shrugs. We've covered this topic. It's easy for him to shrug; it isn't his life or his problem.

"And that's not the only reason anyway." I continue.

"What else then?" he asks.

I scoff and say, "You mean aside from him being my colleague and superior at that?"

Emmett remains stoic. "Yes, aside from that." He flicks his wrist absently as if to indicate how little this matters.

I sigh. "He's a manwhore, Emmett. A bona fide, run-of-mill, different-chick-every-week eternal bachelor."

"Oh." Emmett says.

"Oh indeed. So I won't be going there, for many reasons."

Emmett looks thoughtful. "I still don't really get why you rebuffed his friendship though."

"Look, can we just drop it please?" I'm feeling frustrated and thinking of Edward's face when I told him I just wanted to keep our relationship professional causes a wave of guilt to wash over me.

Attempting to change the subject I ask. "What's new at home, anyway? Any news?"

Emmett's expression turns serious and a little angry.

"You had a visitor." He says through gritted teeth.

I already know who.

"Jacob." I say.

"Jacob." He agrees.

I wish I didn't care, I wish I could pretend he doesn't exist but I can't.

"How did he seem?" I ask.

"Okay. Not sober, but in control at least. Better than when I last saw him." Emmett can't contain his wry grin. When Emmett last saw Jacob he was holding him pinned up against a wall so I would say it would be pretty hard for him to look worse than that.

"What did he want?"

"The usual - 'where's my wife? I need to speak to her' etc. etc."

My blood runs cold. "You didn't tell him I came to England, did you?"

Emmett rolls his eyes. "Of course I fucking didn't, what do you take me for?"

I breathe a sigh of relief. "Thanks."

"Sure, Bells. What you guys have been through is...tricky, to say the least but that doesn't excuse what happened afterwards and, man, add a bottle of liquor and that dude is fucking dangerous."

I remain silent. Emmett has heard all I can bear to say on the subject, many times. There's nothing else and he can't help.

"That face makes me want to bear hug you, Bellarella." Emmett smiles sadly.

"And unfortunately Skype technology hasn't developed virtual arms yet."

I giggle and grin at him. "Thanks, Em. I had better go anyway, it's late here. I miss you."

"Miss you too, babe. Night."

"Night." I click to end the call.

As I get ready for bed I try to push away the dark feelings that are threatening to creep in. I can't blame Jake for his anger and I never could. I brush my teeth and change into my sleepshirt. I peek out of the window at the street below. It's still completely alien; red buses, black taxis, everything new and different and strange. It feels like another world and I fear I don't fit in here any more than I did back in Washington.

Struck with a sudden burst of loneliness I force myself to close the curtains and crawl into bed. I know it's only been a few weeks and I haven't even begun to give England a chance yet. It's beautiful and fascinating and captivates my imagination. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to share it with. Sometimes I miss Jake.

I think of Emmett's words about Edward. Could I be his friend? I already know I won't be able to stop finding him attractive and what sort of friendship is that?

As I feel myself drifting out of consciousness I have a fleeting worry that tonight will be one of the nights I dream of Jacob and the shadowy forest canopy of Forks but instead it's bright green eyes and shiny bronze hair that fill my mind. For the first time, I dream of Edward Cullen.

* * *

><p><em>"Greg's huge breadth of experience in managing small teams and large projects will be a real asset to Coleman's developing department. His marketing background is the strongest of all of the shortlisted candidates and I'm certain he will bring many fresh ideas."<em>

Back at Volturi Seattle I didn't much care for audio typing. Demetri has a very monotonous voice and I would struggle not to fall asleep mid-word. He was also dreadfully disorganised in his dictation. He would flit around from one paragraph to the next, making me go back and find a different section to add to when he remembered something else. Confusing and frustrating.

Needless to say, Edward's audio typing is _nothing_ like that. He is clear, organised and straightforward. Of course all of that is irrelevant really, he could be talking in riddles for all I care, as the main appeal is his _voice_. Spending several hours a week typing the words that drift into my ears in his beautiful British accent gives this PA plenty of job satisfaction. His tone is both rough and smooth at once, like sweet honey being drizzled over jagged rocks.

During the last couple of weeks the slightly false, "posher" accent he uses with clients slips more and more when dictating to me and as I listen now I think this is almost entirely his own voice - long soft vowels, natural and delicious. It makes me smile to think he is relaxing around me. I delight in the way he pronounces some words, and in some cases uses different words entirely to what I would expect. This makes me think of our conversation in the pub and I feel suddenly hot under my work blouse.

_"During appraisals it is often commented that Greg has excellent control of his team but without the need to micro manage. He believes -"_

"Sorry if that's a boring one."

Edward's live voice coming from behind completely startles me. It must be obvious because he chuckles softly and mutters "sorry."

"Not boring at all." I quickly say, desperately trying to remember the actual content. Usually I just type on autopilot and focus on the sounds instead, whilst imagining that he is speaking other words...

"Greg seems like a good candidate for this one." I finally manage.

"Yeah," Edward agrees. "He definitely ticks most of Coleman's boxes."

We chat about the assignment for a few minutes. Edward seems to like to discuss the details with me. It's not at all necessary for my role but I love seeing how enthusiastic he becomes when discussing his work and it's actually pretty interesting to hear more about the candidates we meet. Plus I like sticking to the subject of work when talking to him. It's safe, it's easy and I don't have to give too much away. By the natural end of our conversation though he is hovering a little and I sense there is something else he wants to say.

"So, um, I have something for you." He reaches into his pocket and hands me a flyer.

"It's for the Dali exhibition I told you about the other week. It has a little map on the back which I thought would be handy as you're new in town." He flips the paper over in my hands to show me and his fingertips ever so slightly brush mine.

"Wow, thanks Edward. I'll check it out." I smile.

Still hovering he looks the most nervous I've ever seen him. It makes me want to put my arms around him.

He clears his throat. "I'm actually going to be there myself on Sunday" he says, shifting from foot to foot. "I know we said we wouldn't hang out outside of work and that's cool. I just thought you might not want to go on your own and I didn't know if you had anyone else to go with, I mean you might have, what do I know? But I wanted to offer, you know, just in case."

He stops rambling and finally locks his gaze onto mine. His bright eyes are both nervous and irritable, but in an adorable way, as if he is _irritated_ that he is _nervous_.

The truth is I don't have anyone else to go with and I don't really want to go alone. However, the thought of going there with Edward has my stomach in knots.

Taking my silence as refusal Edward lets out a tiny sigh and says, "Look, I'll be there about 11. If you wanna meet and look round together meet me at the entrance. If you aren't there, then no problem."

"I'll be there."

The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, but when I see his eyes light up I know I've done the right thing. It's just an exhibition. He's just a colleague. _It's. No. Big. Deal._

"Great!" He grins. "I'll see you there then."

He heads back into his office and I wonder what I've done.

* * *

><p>By 10am on Sunday, when I'm stood panicked in front of my wardrobe, I'm questioning the sanity of the whole thing. What on earth does one wear when they are going on a non-date, non-friend, purely professional day time daytime trip to an art exhibition with their boss?<p>

"Clearly not a fucking sundress." I mutter to myself, irritated, and throw the offending flowery maxi I'm holding in my hand back on the bed. Way too fancy, plus it's _still_ raining.

After another 15 minutes of deliberating I finally settle on my smartest skinny jeans, a blue vest top and a long black cardigan. I put on a little powder, mascara and lip-gloss but I'm careful not to wear any more make up than I would usually wear for work. I debate leaving my hair down but in the end opt for classy and professional so pull it up into a chignon. One last glance in the mirror and I dash out the door, convinced I'll probably now be late.

When I step out of the subway I'm greeted with my first view of the River Thames. Even overcast and drizzly it's pretty fantastic. The river is such a focal point of London; everything is geographically determined by it. In my mind it has always drawn romantic and historic connotations. I walk alongside it now, watching the hordes of tourist travelling along on red, open-top tour buses or queuing excitedly for river cruises. I'm delighted to see Tower Bridge is drawn up and I watch a boat pass under it. It's so beautiful and medieval-looking and I can't help but think of kings and treason and princesses trapped in the high tower.

Realising the time I dash across the river and begin to walk along the embankment. It's again drenched in tourists, not at all discouraged by the rain, and there are plenty of cafes and street performers along the way to entertain. I'm nearing the base of the London Eye and I can't help but stop at the bottom to look up. The view from the top of the giant Ferris wheel on a clear day must be spectacular.

"Pretty awesome, eh?" A voice says close to my ear. Not just any voice - honey and rocks, rough and smooth and delicious.

I turn around to greet Edward and the way he looks catches me off guard. I thought he was stunning enough in a suit but seeing him dressed casually does unnerving things to my body. He is wearing dark blue Levis, black Converse and an emerald green polo shirt with the top two buttons undone, giving me the my first look at the very top of his chest. I have an inexplicable urge to lean in and lick it. He has traded his grey wool work coat for a black, zip-up sweater, left casually undone. His hair is even more wild than usual, leading me to believe that contrary to how it appears he must at least attempt to tame it for work.

He is smirking at me and I realise that once again he has caught me staring. _Jesus, no wonder the guy thought trying to kiss me would be a safe bet!_

"Alright?" He greets.

"Hi. I thought I was meeting you at the exhibition?"

"It's just there." He gestures to the building almost directly behind us and I feel like an idiot. "I was waiting out front and I spotted you."

"Oh. Cool." Why am I so socially inept?

Changing the subject I ask. "So what's the view like from up there?" I point to the circulating glass pods above our heads.

Edward looks at his feet sheepishly. "Erm, I wouldn't know actually."

"You live here and you've never been on the London Eye? How come?"

"I'm, sort of, afraid." He mumbles. "I'm not really great with heights."

Edward blushes for the first time since I met him and I feel it all the way to my stomach. Cocky Edward is hot but embarrassed, vulnerable Edward is dangerous...

It seems bizarre that such a confident person would be afraid of what is essentially an overgrown Ferris wheel but I find it irritatingly adorable.

"Maybe one day?" I grin.

Edward shrugs, chuckling a little at himself. "Well I've lived here for almost a decade and it hasn't happened yet. But hey, never say never!"

Seemingly keen to change the subject he gestures behind him and says "Shall we go?"

I nod and Edward negotiates his way through the slow-moving tourists to the entrance of the exhibition. When we get to the ticket booth Edward insists on buying mine. This makes me feel a little uncomfortable - isn't that what happens on a date? But he insists and says I should see it as a "company perk" so I relent. I don't miss the slight smirk on his lips though.

Inside I'm quite spellbound. It isn't a huge art gallery or anything. Just a small exhibition but I have already spotted many Salvador Dali pieces that I recognise.

"This is fantastic, Edward." I smile at him and I'm rewarded with a grin back.

We begin going from piece to piece. It is quiet, with only a few people milling around so we can't speak loudly. But as we reach each new painting Edward tells me a little about each one, he has to speak softly and close to my ear and I work hard to suppress the shiver his voice and proximity invokes.

"This one has always been the most frightening to me." I say as we stand in front of _Sleep_. Seeing the original painting of the distorted sleeping head, held up by crutches, is quite haunting.

"Yeah it is creepy," Edward agrees, "but I kinda like it. I mean almost all of them are creepy really but this one is so symbolic. Apparently, it was about the Freudian ideas regarding dreaming and how vulnerable we are when we are unconscious."

I feel his eyes quickly move from the painting to my face and back again. "And that's really true, right? No matter what barriers we put up in our conscious lives, underneath we are all stripped back, vulnerable and resting on the thinnest and most delicate of crutches."

I look at him at the same time as he glances at me and we lock gazes for a second.

"Likely to fall at any moment." I almost whisper.

"Exactly" he replies, before clearing his throat and drawing his eyes away.

When we reach Dali's most famous piece, _The Persistence of Memory_, I can't help but feel a little thrill of excitement.

"You like this one?" Edward guesses.

"Yeah," I reply. "I know it isn't cool to have this as my favourite as it's the most famous but I figure it's the most famous for a reason. I love it."

Edward is watching me again and I feel uncomfortable under his scrutiny. I feel the blush sliding up my face and I beg it to retreat.

"It's my favourite too," he says. "I love the melting clocks. Time is fluid really so he had the right idea. It ebbs and flows, sometimes stretching endlessly and other times zapping way too fast. In scientific reality time is a quantifiable measurement but to us as humans no minute ever feels the same length as the last."

Edward is surprising me. Not only does he seem to be a lot more creative and philosophical than I previously thought but I'm also shocked by how similar his thoughts are to mine about these paintings. Unfortunately, the more I discover we have in common the more I want to run away. At least my mind does. My feet appear to wish to stay rooted to the spot next to him in this exhibition for as long as he'll let them.

"Exactly" I say, finally.

We continue to look at each painting and his thoughts continue to reflect mine with startling regularity. We reach the end and outside the rain is really coming down hard. Edward opens his umbrella and holds it over both of us as we walk back along the Embankment.

"Thanks, Edward." I say. "That was really great, and I'm pleased I didn't have to go alone."

"My pleasure, Bella." he replies.

He continues. "So do you have plans for the rest of the day?"

He has caught me off guard and I'm not smooth enough to think something up quickly.

While I'm hesitating he quickly continues, "Because I'm kinda hungry. If you are too I was thinking we could grab something to eat? There is some nice pub grub that goes with Garrett's delicious cocktails."

_Calm down, Swan, this is _not_ a date._ But does this mean we're friends? My resolve on that rule is very quickly slipping. Okay it's just a lunch, no big deal.

"Sure" I say.

* * *

><p>When we are still sitting and chatting easily in the pub at 4pm I begin to think friendship with this man is almost inevitable. Contrary to my first impression of Edward Cullen, we actually appear to have more in common than I want to admit to. As well as Dali, we have spent the last few hours discussing books and music and I'm startled by the similarities. He seems to be as well.<p>

"I really should go now." I say, eventually, wanting to end the day before it turns into evening and before this drink in _Equius_ begins to mirror the last one.

"Okay," Edward says and we walk outside. Edward holds his umbrella over us again but seems to be keeping his distance more than earlier. Perhaps he is thinking of the last time we walked down this street together.

When we reach my apartment again my heart beats a little faster thinking of last time he said goodbye to me here and I can't tell if it is from fear or excitement, or both. Regardless, Edward seems to have learnt his lesson, or at least understands the situation a little better this time; as there is a space of several feet between us and neither of us is making any move to kiss on the cheek.

"So...thanks for a great day, Bella." He finally says, eyes roving my face.

"Thank you. I had fun. See you Monday?"

"Yep, see you then." He turns to leave.

Without thinking I blurt out his name. He turns back and watches me expectantly.

"Edward," I say again, while I try to find the right words and suppress my innate awkwardness.

"I'm sorry about before."

He looks at me, confused.

"I was hasty and kinda mean when I said I didn't want to be friends." I explain.

"Oh?" I try not to let myself react to the hopefulness in his expression.

"Yeah. I think maybe we can, or we should. Be friends, I mean."

He gives me his signature smirk, which slowly turns into a happy, breathtaking smile.

"Bella," he says. "I think we already are."

**A/N**

**I would so love to hear your thoughts, every single review is treasured, so please hit the button below and let me know what you think of the story or just tell me your favourite part of London/favourite Salvador Dali painting/any other musings.**

**Teasers for reviewers as usual.**

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**Thanks, as always**

**A x**


	8. Chapter 8

**(Crazy Long)A/N**

**Hi guys! Two fantastic pieces of news today.**

**Firstly, I now have a beta - YAY! So you will no longer have to suffer my terrible spelling, punctuation or grammar errors (except in these A/Ns of course lol!). ****Trip**** (aka FFFan1664) is absolutely FANTASTIC! She has done some truly magical things with this chapter (and also all the previous ones, which will soon be re-posted error-free to reduce my shame!) and I cannot thank her enough.**

**Secondly, ****The Search has been nominated for Fic of the Week at The Lemonade Stand****! This is thanks to the awesome ****Kitty Vuitton****. Competition is fierce and there is only a few hours left so I would be incredibly grateful for your votes. I'm so thrilled just to be nominated :)**

**You can vote here (removing the spaces): tehlemonadestand. blogspot. com**

**One more important message before I finally let Eddie speak - as well as Trip and Kitty I also owe a massive thank you to ****bornonhalloween**** who has given me so much fantastic advice and support, and introduced me to Trip! You'd have to be living under a rock to not already be familiar with boh's stories but if you aren't then you HAVE to check them out. ****Kinkily Ever After**** owns me at the moment (and incidently is nominated for TLS Fic of the Month!).**

**Anyway, shutting up now...**

**EPOV**

Bella Swan is ruining my life.

I'm in Agenda, it's Thursday night (which is really Friday in London) and the brunette in front of me has a 10 out of 10 pair of tits. She has a cute face and is actually kinda funny too, and the way she has been touching my arm and sliding her thigh against mine for the last 30 minutes tells me that a shag could almost definitely be on the cards. My kinda gal.

Unfortunately, every time she touches my arm I remember Bella's arm looped through mine when we walked back from Equius. Every time I watch her lips when she talks I can think only of how Bella pulls her bottom lip with her teeth when she's feeling shy. And with every word that leaves this girl's mouth in her Chelsea drawl I can only hear Bella's delicate US accent.

"So, Ed - I can call you that right?" 10/10 Tits says.

"Sure" Ed is my name, and always has been, but Bella calls me only Edward and I'm starting to like it.

"So, Ed, I've been going on and on only about me. What do you do?"

"I'm in Executive Search."

She looks at me blankly like most people outside of the industry do.

"I'm a headhunter." I clarify.

She smiles and runs her hand over my upper arm for the hundredth time.

"And what are you searching for at the moment, Ed?" She practically purrs.

Here it is. Decision time. Take her home and fuck her in my bed until all beautiful accents and chewed lips are forgotten. Or go home alone and wank over my Assistant for the third night in a row.

This is fucking ridiculous.

I'm saved from a decision when I notice my phone vibrating in my pocket. I look at the screen and it's Alice. I would usually ignore my sister in favour of skirt-chasing but in this instance it's a welcome distraction.

"Excuse me love," I mutter to the woman and step a few feet away, leaving her looking a little bemused.

"Alright, Sis?"

"Hiya! What you doing?"

"I wish I fucking knew." I murmur to myself.

"Eh? Where are you? It's loud." Alice asks.

"Agenda."

"With a woman I assume?" I can almost hear her rolling her eyes.

"Hmmm...sort of. Anyway, what's up?"

"I was just bored and near Camden and wondering if my big bro wanted some company but I see that he is already arranging that..."

I watch my potential bedmate from across the room, waiting on a bar stool and attempting not to glance in my direction. I can almost see the cogs turning in her head - should she stay and wait to see if Ed comes back or move on with dignity? So far she is staying. But am I?

I sigh. "Actually, Alice, yeah let's hang out."

"Um, what?" Alice sounds shocked.

"I'm coming home...alone. Let yourself in, I'll bring some pizza."

"Oh. Ok. Blimey, I'm flattered!" She laughs.

I turn away from almost guaranteed sex and sneak out the side entrance.

_Really, Cullen, you are truly pathetic._

* * *

><p>When I wake up the next morning I'm very grateful that my parents gave me a sister. Alice crashed on the sofa bed, as usual, and is now dancing to the radio and frying some incredible smelling bacon in my under-used kitchen.<p>

"Morning" I greet, grabbing a sandwich she has already made and taking a huge bite.

"Oi! That one's mine, pig!" She launches her fist into my arm. I shrug and grin, mouth full. Alice kicks my shin and goes back to the pan.

"Your walls are thin." She muses. "Remind me never to kip over when you have a...guest. I could hear your snoring all night."

"Bollocks" I say. I don't snore.

"Whatever" she replies. "You were talking too."

This startles me a little. "I was?"

"Yep!" She pops the 'p' sound and I can see her hiding a smile.

After a moment she says, grinning "So who is Bella then?"

Shit. More dreams, more sleep talking. I'm a loser of epic proportions.

I feign ignorance and shrug. "Dunno. I always talk bollocks in my sleep."

Alice turns towards me. "Really? So you don't know a Bella? At all? Because you were really shouting her name. Not in a gross way - _thank fuck_ - but as if she was about to be run over by a bus or something."

I wrack my brains to remember any specific dreams but a draw a blank.

"Well, I dunno what to tell you, Sis. Never heard of her. Maybe you were dreaming."

Alice bursts out laughing. "Nice try, Ed, but I already know that Bella is your new Assistant and you are kinda obsessed with her. I just wanted to see if you would tell me yourself."

"What? How the fuck do you know that? And I'm _not_ obsessed with her." Suspicious, I look up. "Seriously, how do you know her name?"

She now has the grace to look a little sheepish. "I called in the office, you weren't there."

My spider senses prick up. My sister can't lie for shit.

"No, you didn't." I narrow my eyes at her. "Where did you hear it?" I already suspect the answer but I want her to admit it.

"Ugh! I ran into Jasper, ok!" she admits, exasperated.

"Where?"

"Starbucks."

"Give me a fucking break, Alice. You have no poker face whatsoever. Where did you happen to "run into" my married best mate who you're practically in love with?"

She concentrates really hard on the sandwich she is making and eventually admits quietly. "At mine."

"Fucking hell, Alice!" I exclaim.

"Get your judgemental eyes off me, Ed! You're the man-whore"

"I'm not bloody married."

Alice snorts. "Yeah and you never will be at this rate!"

Ignoring her jibe, I chastise. "For fuck's sake, Ali. Are you crazy? He is still with his wife. Yeah she's mental but he needs to sort that shit out first before you go anywhere near. And lest we forget - she _is_ mental. If Maria finds out you are shagging her husband she'll put you in hospital!"

"I'm not shagging him." Alice says, indignantly. "We're...friends."

I'm beginning to learn that that word can cover all manner of sins. If I hadn't insisted on being Bella's "friend" then maybe I would be able to stop thinking about her long enough to bring a woman home who isn't my dumb-as-fuck sister.

"You two being friends is dangerous, Ali." I say, more gently. "You know it is."

"I'm helping him." She whispers, playing with her food.

I snort. "I'm sure you are!"

Alice shrugs. "He should leave her."

She looks so forlorn that I put my arm around her. "No arguments from me there."

I give her a big squeeze and kiss the top of her head, the stupid, sweet girl. I look down at her.

"But listen to me, please. Leave. Well. Alone. That bloody idiot needs to sort himself out before he is anywhere near good enough to be anywhere near my little sister. Ok?"

She smiles sadly. "Fine, I'll be careful."

We go back to our sandwiches.

"Anyway," she says. "You deflected. Since when are you nuts over anyone? Least of all, someone you work with?"

"I'm not 'nuts' over Bella."

I kind of am.

"J is talking out of his arse as per usual."

The sly, perceptive, gossiping, sister-shagging bastard.

"So what is going on then?" Alice raises her eyebrow.

I smile slowly. "I guess we're friends too.

Alice laughs and has the sense to change the subject.

"So what time are we meeting tomorrow?" She asks me.

"What you on about?"

"To go to Southend. Mum invited us. We might as well get the train together."

I groan inwardly.

"I'm so not going, Alice."

She looks like she might hit me again. "Why not?"

"You know why."

"Oh get over yourself. You've hardly been home since Christmas!"

"And until he apologises, I wont be."

"You're being a moron. But then so is he." She sighs. "Ok fine, but I'm not making your excuses to Mum again. You'll have to call her."

I grimace. "Fine. That's fair. Now enough about that, I gotta get dressed and go make some money."

Alice grins sarcastically. "Oh that would make him so proud!"

* * *

><p>After I've said goodbye to Alice I drop J a text making it explicitly clear what I will do to him if he hurts my sister.<p>

When I get to the office, Bella's line is ringing but she isn't there. I let it go to voicemail and go through to my office to log in. Two minutes later it rings again. I realise it might be urgent (although it is nowhere near 9am yet) so I quickly press the extension and answer it from my desk.

"Good morning, Volturi. Bella Swan's line."

Silence.

"Hello?" I can hear someone breathing a little heavy.

A cough and then "Oh, hey man."

He has an American accent and is slurring slightly. It's got to be just after midnight in Seattle.

"Hi. Can I help you?"

"Is Bella there?" This bloke has no manners.

"No, not yet I'm afraid. She should be in shortly. Can I take a message?"

"Where is she then?" He suddenly sounds a little more awake, and a little annoyed.

"I don't know. This is her office line. It's 8.15am, I'm sure she is on her way. Who shall I say called?" I'm losing my patience but trying my best to be polite.

"Make sure you get her to ring me straight away. I mean it, man." This threat sounds pretty pathetic when slurred and presumably from an ocean away.

"Fine." I reply, irritated. "So if you'll just give me your name...?"

"Tell her it's her husband."

The line goes dead but I forget to hang up. Her husband? _Bella's_ husband? Bella is _married_? How can I not know this?

Slowly, everything slides into place. No wonder she didn't want anything to do with me - shit, I tried to kiss a married woman! That's a new low even for me. But things still don't quite add up. Where is he? Why didn't he come here with her? And why the bloody hell has she never bothered to mention it? We've been seeing quite a bit of each other lately (as friends...obviously), but in all our conversations she has never once said "Oh yeah, by the way, I left my hubby back in America."

Could they be estranged? I mean, he sounded like a tosspot but I guess it is the middle of the night. What if she ran away from him? _Shit._

"Morning, Edward." Bella happily calls, putting a tea on the desk in front of me and breaking me away from my anxious, racing thoughts. I have no clue how long I have been sitting there staring into space.

"You were absolutely miles away." She looks at me, grinning. She looks gorgeous as usual; grey skirt, black tights, purple shirt, cute black waistcoat. Her hair is still pinned up though. I can't seem to catch a break on that one. Yes, I have a hair fetish. Sue me.

"Hi, Bella. Sorry, I was just thinking I guess."

Now I have to actually give her the message, which is kind of weird when she hadn't even mentioned him before.

"Is everything ok?" she asks. I must still look shell-shocked or something.

"Oh yeah, fine." _Do it quick and casual, Cullen._

"Before I forget, your husband called just now."

Her face instantly pales and her mouth tightens.

"My what?" She stutters.

"Your husband. That's what he said. I have to say I didn't realise you were married. You never said or -"

I realise she is gripping my desk and looks like she may be about to collapse. I leap up and help by gently pushing her shoulder till she sits down in the chair opposite my desk. This is not a normal reaction. They must be separated or something. I try to ignore how relieved this makes me feel.

"He's not my husband." She says, quietly. "We're divorced. Or at least we will be."

I nod but don't speak, hoping she'll say more and unsure what to say anyway.

"How did he...seem?" she continues, glancing up at me.

I pause. "Well, a little out of it to be honest. But it is pretty late there I guess!" I try to explain with a forced laugh.

"He was slurring then," she states, rather than asks. I nod anyway.

"He drinks." She confesses, softly.

Christ. What's their deal? And why are my fists clenched?

"I see." I reply but I don't really and I want to know more. I want to know everything. But I know that if I ask she will shut down. I can't resist risking one question though.

"Is that why you split up?"

I instantly regret it when her face shuts down and shuts me out.

"Partly. I don't like to talk about it. Sorry." She says quickly.

"Of course, of course. No problem." I reply.

"I'm just really sorry he called here, Edward. He must have gotten the number from the Seattle office or something. Either way, you shouldn't have had to deal with that."

"Hey, no worries, it was nothing. As long as you are ok?" She still looks very pale.

She offers me a small smile finally. "Yes, I'm fine. I was just surprised. Thanks though."

"Do you need to go call him back?" I grit out. _Please say no._

"Oh no no. I will sort it out later. " She suddenly brightens a little. "You and I are scheduled to meet anyway, to discuss the company 30th Anniversary party."

In truth, I had completely forgotten about this but I'll take any one on one time I can get with Bella.

"Sure." I smile, gently. If she wants to talk about work and pretend her ex husband didn't just call her, seemingly off his head, from almost 5000 miles away then I'm completely fine with that.

"So," I begin. "The main priority is following up the invitees that have yet to respond."

She crosses her legs to position her notepad on her lap more comfortably and I catch the briefest glimpse of skin, telling me that she is actually wearing stockings, not tights.

_Good God._

This woman has absolutely no idea how hot she really is, and somehow that makes her even hotter. I clear my throat and try to get myself more comfortable in my own chair. The mental image of Bella in stockings has made things a little tight inside my suit trousers and I say a silent prayer of thanks that there is a desk between us to protect her from my inappropriate reactions.

I continue, poker face firmly in place. "Kate should have left a spreadsheet with all the invitees listed, as well as their responses so far. Next to each invitee there is also a note of which consultant invited them and all the PAs know where this spreadsheet is saved and should have been updating the responses as and when they come in."

She is taking notes very studiously and I can't help smiling.

"We need to email everyone we haven't heard from, knock up some wording for me please and I will approve it."

"Ok, no problem" she says.

"After that we need to get the menu options out to those who have already confirmed their attendance. Kate should have left you the name and contact details of our rep at the venue. Then we have to finalise the entertainers."

I smile apologetically. "This event will be a fair bit of work for you I'm afraid but you did some events and stuff at Head Office right?"

"Sure," she looks up, smiling. "Don't worry, I kinda love this stuff."

"Excellent," I chuckle. "Because I only enjoy it while I'm there. Networking is interesting and useful, and fun." I confess, a little childishly. "But organising definitely isn't my forte."

Bella smiles further and says "Well that's why you have me."

If only she knew how much I wish that were true.

A knock on the door interrupts my filthy thoughts and Angela pops her head around.

"Your candidate is here, Ed."

"Thanks," I say. I turn to Bella. "Locate the file, start what you can and ask the others for help if you need to. We'll catch up again later."

"Sure," she says again and walks out of my office. I mentally shake myself and get ready for my next interview. I desperately try not to stare at the back of her skirt and guess where the stockings end and Bella's bare legs begin.

* * *

><p>"Any messages?" I ask Bella when I come back to my desk.<p>

"Just your mother." She replies and I grimace.

Shit, I forgot about this weekend. I'm going to have to call her and explain my no-showing. For a brief moment I long for home - the delightfully tacky seafront, the proper fish and chips and our run down old cottage. Alice is right, I haven't been back to Southend in far too long and I miss the smell of the sea like crazy. London is great but I'm a coastal boy so sometimes it feels stiflingly landlocked. However, going home also means seeing him and I just don't have the energy for his disapproval.

I need to do something tomorrow night though. I don't want to sit in alone and pine for candyfloss and the pier and my mother's Shepherd's Pie like some sort of sad, homesick child. I consider asking the boys if they want to go out for drinks but that reminds me of last night's weird mental turmoil and I don't really fancy reliving that. Maybe I'll ask J round to watch the Match of the Day highlights or maybe -

No that's stupid. She'll have better things to do. Also, the idea of having her in my flat makes my stomach flip uncomfortably. Plus it's probably not appropriate anyway. Really bad idea.

"What are you doing tomorrow night, Bella?" The words come from my mouth and sound like my voice and yet I certainly don't remember my brain giving my lips permission.

She looks a little taken aback but recovers quickly. We've been for lunches and drinks after work the last few weeks but we haven't seen each other on the weekend since the Dali exhibition.

"Well, um, nothing actually. God, that's lame right? On a Saturday night." She laughs a little nervously.

I grin, deciding to go with it. "Well then I'm lame too so I guess that's fine. Do you want to come over to mine? Watch a film or something? I'll cook."

_Will you, Cullen? Since bloody when?_

I see her hesitate for a split second and in that same moment my head and mouth align, but instead of regretting this invite I just want her to say yes. My palms are sweaty and my ever-traitorous heart is racing.

"Ok," she grins. "Sounds good. What time?"

"Is 6.30 ok?"

She nods. "Count me in."

"Great." _Stop talking now, Cullen. Walk away before the awkwardness level rises any higher._

I sit back behind my desk and wonder what the fuck I'm going to attempt to cook. I also can't help but wonder why every single moment with Bella feels disturbingly like a date.

* * *

><p>An hour ago I was feeling smug, proud of myself and unexpectedly talented. An hour ago I was considering giving Jamie Oliver a run for his money. An hour ago my kitchen didn't look like the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust and the smoke alarm wasn't blaring uncontrollably.<p>

"Fuck!" I yell in frustration, prodding the ruined lasagne with a fork miserably. I really can't understand what happened. I whack the smoke detector with a tea towel to shut it off.

And now the intercom is buzzing.

"Hi" I say into it, trying to keep the panic out of my voice. I glance around my living room, grateful that at least the place looks good even if the smell is less than pleasant and metal teeth are required to attempt to eat that dinner.

I buzz Bella up and quickly wash my hands and try to tame my hair, which is possibly the wildest I've ever seen it. The soft knock on my door has my heart in my chest and I force myself to take a deep breath. What is wrong with me tonight?

"Hiya!" I say, plastering on a grin as I open the door. Bella is wearing jeans, a black V-neck top and an extremely soft-looking cream cardigan. I don't think I've ever seen a girl look so effortlessly gorgeous whilst dressed in something so casual.

She is smirking though, which isn't like her. I raise a questioning eyebrow.

"Nice apron, Edward" she giggles.

Shit. I glance down and realise I forgot to remove the comedy apron I was given as a Secret Santa present last year. It's one of those ridiculous things with the fake breasts and I only wore it because I realised there was nothing else.

I laugh and quickly pull it over my head. We stand there staring at each other for a beat too long before I come to my senses and usher her inside.

"So this is my place." I say, briefly showing her my open plan loft apartment. The good-sized lounge is separated from the kitchen area by only a breakfast bar so the culinary carnage is instantly visible.

"Yeah, so I've had a bit of a kitchen mishap." I smile sheepishly but inside I'm basically humiliated and I fight down the blush that threatens to take over my face.

Bella examines the lasagne and smiles reassuringly at me. "Don't worry about it, Edward."

"I really can't work it out." I continue, rambling a little now. "Somehow it's burnt on the top but the pasta inside is still hard! Makes no sense at all!"

I sense that maybe I'm starting to sound a little hysterical but I can't help it. Nobody ever tells you how stressful cooking is!

Bella's hand briefly touches my arm and everything else stops. This woman can capture the attention of my entire being with a single, light touch.

She smiles gently. "It's fine, Edward, I said don't worry about it."

"Thanks." I sigh and shrug. "I guess the truth is I'm not very adept in the kitchen."

"No worries," Bella says, eyes twinkling. "Are you adept at locating takeout menus?"

I smile broadly. "Yes, I am certainly experienced in that!"

We order some Chinese and I'm pathetically pleased to discover we like similar dishes and decide to share. Once I've poured us both a glass of Pinot Grigio and sat down at the table I feel a lot more relaxed.

"I'm sorry again about Jacob calling yesterday." Bella says. I'm surprised but pleased that she feels comfortable enough to bring it up.

"It's totally fine." I reply. "I'm just sorry it upset you so much. It must have been such a difficult thing to go through." I say this carefully, hoping she doesn't shut down again.

"Yeah it was." Bells stares at the tabletop and plays with the cutlery I've laid out. I wait silently for her to continue.

"Jacob and I were best friends for most of our lives. We had a lot in common I suppose; both our moms were gone. I guess our fathers always expected us to get married and if I'm being honest we fell into it a little. Forks is a really small town, a village you would likely call it. There isn't a great deal of opportunity. I suppose Jake was...the simplest, most obvious choice."

I considered her words silently. Except for that one time, I can't say I've given much thought to marriage myself, it hardly fits in with my lifestyle! But to live in a marriage that is based on anything except all-consuming, passionate love seems incredibly sad. A woman as special as Bella Swan deserves better than that.

Maybe my silence has made her defensive because she suddenly says, "Don't get me wrong, I did love him! Very much. I guess I still do in some ways..."

I try to ignore the tightness these words cause in my chest.

"But just not enough" she continues, fiddling with her fork again. "Or in the wrong way at least. Things were just...wrong between us. It was all my fault."

I duck my head to get a proper look at her face and I can tell she is close to tears. I'm surprised to discover that I don't experience the usual panic that accompanies having an emotional woman in my presence. Instead I just want to put my arms around her. I hold back though, remembering what happened the last time I laid my hands on her.

Instead I say "I'm sure that isn't true, Bella, it just can't be true. I mean what about his drinking? It sounds like that had a lot to do with it and -"

"He drank because of _me_!" She suddenly cries out, meeting my gaze for the first time in this conversation.

We stare at each other for a few seconds but it stretches on like hours. Despite the tears in her eyes and the self-loathing grimace I realise she might just be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She says nothing more and I decide to take the risk and ask one word, one question, that might unlock her secret.

"_Why?_" I whisper.

She holds my gaze for a second longer and I watch the internal battle rage across her face. Finally she is resigned.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I can't. I can't really tell anyone."

I feel a dull ache in my chest that she doesn't trust me enough to share the truth. Although, in truth, we all have secrets in our past.

I nod slowly. "So you decided to come here?"

She looks relieved that I've let it slide. "Yeah, I just saw this posting and went for it. Quite impulsively I suppose but I just knew I needed to get away from there."

"What did your dad say? He must have been gutted to see you go?"

She swallows hard. "Charlie died earlier this year."

Jesus.

"God, Bella, I'm so sorry. Christ, you've really been through it, haven't you?"

My chest aches further for her pain and my arms are practically shaking with the desire to hold her against me. Divorced and losing your only parent in the same year, no wonder she is struggling to let anyone in. I feel privileged that she has trusted me this far.

Bella just shrugs. "That's another reason I came here. Aside from my best friend in Seattle, there was really nothing left for me there."

"Makes sense." I agree.

She suddenly smiles a little wistfully. I can't think of another person who has ever controlled my emotions with just their smile. Well, only one.

"I picked England randomly, because the job was here." She is saying. "But I could never have guessed how much I would love it. London has totally captured my heart."

"Ol' Blightly has got under your skin already, huh?" I feel proud that she likes my country so much.

She grins at my slang. "Definitely. It's all just so...beautiful. Even though it's a city."

"Well if you like London just you wait until I show you the rest of my country." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them and Bella doesn't miss much.

Her brown eyes sparkle a little at me. "When _you_ show me, huh?" She teases and I blush.

"Er, well you know, if you could put up with me to that is!" I stutter and laugh a little.

She stares at me. "I think I would love you to, Edward."

The feeling of her eyes on my face has my heart racing. Not for the first time, I marvel at how she apparently seems oblivious to the charge between us that I can never get away from. At once, my head is filled with images of all the places I can take her - a cabin in the Lakes, down to Newquay for the amazing surf, freezing our arses off in the Scottish Highlands. And home of course, definitely home - I can picture her on the windy seafront, laughing at the glorious tackiness of it all, rosy-cheeked and beautiful. I can imagine it so easily but at the same time the thought makes it harder to breathe. _Slow the fuck down, Cullen._

Thankfully the intercom buzzes I am saved by delicious, greasy Chinese. We dish up, I pour more wine and we sit down to eat. We chat about lighter things, including work and the upcoming party. I briefly allow myself to imagine what sort of dress she might wear.

After dinner I ask if she wants to watch a film and she begins perusing the collection of DVDs and Blu Rays that fills almost an entire wall in my lounge while I load our plates in the dishwasher.

Her cute giggle suddenly captures my attention.

"What?" I ask.

She turns to me and holds up a DVD. "_Love Actually_, Edward? Is this _actually_ yours?"

I laugh with her, unashamed of my penchant for certain chick flicks.

"Yes. But I just like it because Bill Nighy is so funny, and Hugh Grant. It's a comedy first and foremost."

"Yep," She agrees, brown eyes teasing and I fight the urge to leap over the room and tackle her. "A romantic comedy."

Apparently having made her selection she brings the DVD over to me. "You are certainly full of surprises, Edward Cullen."

_You have no idea, Sweetheart._

I refill our drinks and set up the film. I sit down on one end of the sofa and Bella hesitates for just a split second between the other end and the armchair. My heart sings a little when she picks the couch.

"I've never actually seen this." She confesses as the credits begin.

"Well then you are in for a _comedy_ treat then." I reply, with a wink.

We watch together quietly, although I can't resist sneaking sideways glances at her; she seems to be enjoying the Britishness of it. Around the scene of the Christmas concert, I notice Bella's eyes have drifted shut. I consider casually waking her as I know she will be embarrassed when she realises she has fallen asleep here, but she looks so lovely I can't bear to do it. Her expression is so peaceful, her mouth slightly open in slumber. Her hair is in a low side ponytail tonight and it's the closest to loose that I have ever seen it. A strand has gotten free and is grazing her flushed cheek. Unable to stop myself I reach over and gently smooth it away from her face; I try not to notice the trembling in my fingers.

She makes a small noise when I touch her and I freeze, guilty. But then she moves slowly towards me, eyes still closed, and before I know it her head is resting on my chest. I look straight ahead, terrified to move an inch, and I wonder if she can feel my heart thumping. She snuggles in a little closer and sighs, wrapping her arm gently around my stomach.

_Fuckfuckfuckfuck._ This is the closest I have been to her since that first trip to _Equius_ and my body starts reacting against my will. _No no no, Cullen, get a hold of yourself! And control of all your body parts._ Her hair smells incredible - strawberries and coconut and _Bella_ - and all I can think about is kissing her.

The end credits suddenly blast out and we both jump, her eyes flashing open. Clocking our close proximity in her groggy state she turns bright red and the need to pull her into my arms just gets stronger.

She leaps away from me. "Shit, I'm sorry Edward! Jesus, how embarrassing..." she rambles, looking away. "You should have just given me a shove like when a stranger falls asleep on you on the subway."

_Not a chance, Love._

"Don't be silly, Bella." I try to reassure her. "Anyway, I think I was starting to drift off myself so I hardly noticed." I lie but I'm not sure she believes me.

She gets up and I know our time is over. I know she'll run for the door now and I pray for a time machine to take me back five minutes to when I could pretend the girl in my arms actually wanted to be there.

"I'd better go. Thanks for a lovely evening, Edward." She already has her coat on.

I quickly leap up too.

"You too. I mean, thanks for coming. Another time?" I add hopefully, or desperately, I'm not sure which.

"Sure." She says, hardly meeting my eyes. "Night!" The door slams and she's gone.

"Shit!" I exclaim, resting against the closed door.

I take a deep breath and go to the kitchen to get myself another drink. I sit on the sofa, steadying my heartbeat and staring unseeingly at the DVD title page. What the fuck is going on here? What is it about this girl? I haven't felt this way since...a long time ago and I'm terrified. To feel something for Bella Swan is to give her power over me; control, possession, the ability to destroy and Ed Cullen _does not_ give away those things. I grit my teeth and grip my glass tightly in my fist.

Then, in a moment of clarity, I think about everything she told me tonight, the awful things that have happened to her; that drunken bastard who clearly hurt her in some way. Then I don't feel afraid - I feel protective and possessive, desire and longing. I feel a need for action, for change; a need to make her really see me and not just the rumours. With Bella Swan consuming my mind, for the first time in a long time, I feel everything.

**A/N**

**So it seems our Eddie has more than a little crush...**

**References for American readers:**

**_Jamie Oliver. _****Vaguely irritating TV chef who hails from the same county in the UK as Eddie. You may be familiar with him as he recently did a show in the States where he tried to force a town to eat more healthily (after basically failing at it here!)**

**_Southend-on-Sea. _****Essex costal town, situated on the estuary of the River Thames, an hour outside of London. It's tacky and silly and fun and sometimes pretty and, for me and Ed, home. **

**_Love Actually. _****I'm assuming this was released in the US? If not check it out, awesome British movie. **

**As always, I would love to hear your thoughts so please click the button below and hit me with your opinions, questions etc. I promise, as a new writer, every single review gives me a thrill (and gets you a teaser!). **

**Follow me on Twitter and FB, under Amber's Pen, links on my bio.**

**Thanks, A x**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N**

**Disclaimer - Twilight belongs to the fantastic Stephenie Meyer, I just own this Britishward. Or I wish I did. **

**Thank you so much for the fantastic response to the last chapter, and I'm so excited to have so many new readers thanks, in no small part, to The Lemonade Stand and Fictionators. **

**Thank you to the awesome FatesLoveQueen for the beautiful banner she has made for The Search - you can see it on my FB or Twitter page and for more of her brilliant artwork check out fateslovequeen . blogspot . com**

**Finally, HUGE thanks again to my lovely beta, Trip, for all her hard work on this chapter. **

****Even though this is BPOV, when I was writing it my mind was completely consumed with Eddie - and I'm slightly embarassed to admit I was listening to Can't Fight This Feeling on repeat! Although Ed is way too cool to love a song that was covered by the cast of Glee (although he does like chick flicks so...) check out the lyrics to see where I figure he is at about now. Anyway, I'm outta here, Bella wants to talk...****

**BPOV**

"Don't be nervous, Bella." Angela says, taking a bite out of her sandwich. "It's just another boring corporate networking event."

I groan a little and poke the pasta around in my Tupperware box. Angela, Jessica and I are taking a late lunch in the small canteen above the office.

"A boring corporate networking event, to celebrate Volturi's 30th Anniversary, that _I'm_ responsible for not messing up."

"But, guys," Jessica chirps in, "It's not a "networking event" remember? It's just a "_party_"!"

We all dissolve into giggles. Aro has been touting this as a "party" for several weeks and we've been told we should definitely "relax, have fun and enjoy ourselves." However, 300 of our closest clients and candidates have been invited, so there is no way we'll be getting drunk and dancing on the tables like your average staff-only gathering. To make the situation more laughable and despite his insistence that it's a "party", just this morning Aro sent an email around to the company with a link to _Top Ten Networking Tips_. The old guy is clearly insane.

"Anyway," Jess continues. "Whatever this thing is, I thought you'd organised this sort of stuff before?"

"I have but I never had to actually attend one before. I think that's the thing - knowing that if something goes wrong they'll be looking at me to fix it and I'll actually be _right there_, that's scary."

Jess snorts. "Well they won't really. They'll be looking to Ed. It's his ultimate responsibility."

I shrug, looking down.

Jess can sniff out emotions like a hog sniffs out truffles. "Ah ha, I see. That's what this is really all about. You're terrified of disappointing _him_." Her face is smug and grinning.

"Well of course." I reply, fighting down my blush. "He's my new boss and this is the first big PR thing he's asked me to help with."

"Yeah okay, that's what I meant." Jess rolls her eyes sarcastically.

Angela eyes me carefully. "So...do you like working for Eddie then?"

I feel like she is asking a different question to the one she is actually asking.

"Yeah, he's great." I say as noncommittal as possible.

Do I like working for Edward Cullen? That is a question I can barely answer in my own mind let alone to my co-workers. I like that he is a good boss. I like that he is fair and bright and says easily how he wants something to be done. I like that he has become my friend and has made this country seem so much less lonely.

I don't like that every moment we are together I can't stop watching him, that I have to constantly fight the urge to loosen his tie or push his incredible hair back from his face. I don't like that when his body is within a metre of mine, my heart beats so loudly I'm convinced he can hear it. I don't like that, even though it was weeks ago, I still think about his soft lips on my throat when I'm lying in bed at night. I don't like that I fell asleep with my head practically in his lap and I enjoyed it.

And I really don't like that this morning he came in wearing the same shirt as he wore yesterday.

I zone back into Jessica and Angela's conversation, desperately trying to unclench my tight fists.

"So do you have your dress yet, Bella?" Angela asks.

I consider the one cocktail dress I brought with me from Seattle and how when I tried it on last night, it was a little tight and didn't look right at all. I have obviously regained the weight I lost after I left Jacob and when Charlie died, I look a little closer to my old self. Good news for my psyche, bad news for my party dress.

"No," I reply. "I need to sort something out."

"Well let's go out tomorrow lunchtime then." Angela says brightly and I gratefully accept their invitation. Shopping is not my favourite pastime and hopefully some company will make it easier.

We throw our lunch trash away and go back downstairs to the office. When I arrive back at my desk Edward has left two audiotapes and one draft assignment brief, covered in his distinct red scrawl. The post-it on top reads _I know you are swamped with all this, ahem, party stuff but if you could find the time to do the changes to this brief I will be forever in your debt._ He has attempted to soften the blow further by adding a fairly detailed and strangely artistic smiley face. I can't help but smile back at it.

I also can't help sneaking a glance at him through the glass window to his office. He is leaning back on his chair, on the phone, deep in conversation. He has clearly switched shirts during the day but I can see the edge of the old one sticking out of his laptop bag.

_Swan, let it go. So what if he didn't go home last night? You're not his mother. Or his_ wife. But I can't shake off my irrational irritation and, strangely, disappointment. I know all the rumours, I know he is "a bit of a slag" - Jess's words - but I just can't reconcile that person with the Edward I've come to know; sweet, understanding and caring. I guess I'm just disappointed to see that Jess and the others are probably right and I just don't know the real him. I want to know the real him though and I want that person to be the Edward I'm familiar with.

Of course, for all I know, if he did spend the night with a woman she might not be a one-night stand at all. She might be someone real, someone serious. And that makes me feel even worse.

I allow myself to sneak one last look at him before getting on with my work. I note that while he is talking, in his left hand he absentmindedly squeezes the stress ball that his last assistant, Kate, apparently gave him "as a joke". I've noted that he plays with it so often I'm not entirely sure she meant it as such. He suddenly catches me off guard and turns his head, locking his green eyes onto mine.

Busted! _Shit._

But all he does is smile easily and give me a little wave. I tell my heart to slow the hell down.

Worried I'll forget about tomorrow I drop him an email.

_Edward, I'm going to be taking the full hour for lunch tomorrow if that's okay? Going to Oxford St with the girls - dreaded "party" dress shopping! *rolls eyes*_

I lose myself in my work for a while. I complete Edward's amends and then get back to final preparations for the anniversary party. It's less than a week away and time is ticking.

An hour later, Edward comes out of his office and greets me, standing over my desk. My heart does the usual flip and I briefly wonder if I should start getting regular ECGs. I hand him the completed brief.

"Thanks," he says, smiling. "Got your message about tomorrow, of course that's fine - I wish you would take the full hour more often. But listen, go straight to Selfridges. They have a good selection, so I'm told, and my sister is a buyer for their womenswear department. She will come down from the office and make sure you get the star treatment - personal shopper, access to all the newest stock etc."

"Oh no, Edward, please don't. I don't want you or your sister to go to any trouble for me."

He smiles and doesn't let my eyes leave his. He always seems intent on holding my gaze, no matter what the conversation, as if he is trying to look into my mind or my soul.

"Don't be silly, Bella. It's absolutely no trouble at all. Plus I already asked Alice and she text back what can only be described as a squeal - seriously I can show it to you if you like? She lives for this sort of thing. I think she would have stayed as a personal shopper forever if the pay rise they offered her hadn't been so tempting."

I smile gratefully. "Well if you're sure she doesn't mind, that would be great, thank you."

I already feel the nerves rushing around in my stomach at the thought of meeting Alice. Edward has mentioned his sister several times before and it's obvious they are close.

"You're totally welcome. Alice will love it, and she'll help you get something really lovely. And the others too of course." He adds hastily.

"Thanks. Jess and Angela will love that."

With a final easy grin Edward goes back to his desk and I'm left to ponder the idea of meeting Alice Cullen. What in God's name shall I _wear_?

* * *

><p>When we reach the entrance to the department store the following day Angela and Jess are practically buzzing.<p>

"This is such a wicked idea, Bella." Jess almost squeals. "Alice is AWESOME. And Ed said they have closed off a whole little section for us. How completely sweet is that?"

"Incredibly sweet." I swallow nervously. _It's only your boss's sister. Your _friend's_ sister. Plus a few dozen designer dresses._ While to most women this would be considered fun, to me this could qualify as Purgatory. Firstly, undressing in front of other women (or indeed anyone) isn't my favourite thing. Secondly, the overwhelming choice of dresses and accessories and knowing how to match one to the other is mildly bewildering to me. Lastly, there is the scrutiny, both by myself and by the others.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't also a little nervous about meeting Alice. She sounds intimidating as hell.

We head up to the customer service desk on the top floor, as per Edward's instruction, and before we've even reached it this tiny energy ball of a woman is hurtling towards us.

"Alright, lovelies?" She greets, throwing her arms around Angela and Jess. "So fantastic to see you again."

Her accent is exactly the same as Edward's and yet she makes no attempt to hide it. I get the instant impression that nothing from this girl's mouth could ever be false.

She is beautiful, and you can certainly see the resemblance to her brother. Brown/bronze hair just a couple of shades darker but looking just as thick and lush, Alice wears hers in an impossibly cool pixie style that somehow appears effortless. Fantastic bone structure must be a family trait and her full lips are clearly the female version of his. However, although very similar in shape to Edward's startling emerald eyes, hers are a clear and sparkling blue. These two seriously lucked out on the gene pool and I wonder if their parents are retired supermodels.

I realise she has climbed off the others and has turned her attention to me.

"And you must be Bella" she says, a little more subdued now but eyes still sparkling. "I'm so happy to meet you."

She holds out her hand and the gesture seems strangely at odds with her personality, she is clearly a hugger.

I shake her tiny outstretched palm and murmur "Hi. You too."

She is smiling warmly but eyeing me with an odd intensity that I find very disconcerting. I try to hold her gaze and smile back but I can feel the crippling shyness creeping over me.

Finally she squeezes my hand and murmurs, quite cryptically "Yeah..."

_Yeah what, beautiful pixie?_

But there is little time to ponder as she is soon shepherding us to the designer womenswesar section and settling us into a dressing room.

"Champagne?" Alice asks. This is decidedly surreal. I usually buy my clothes in sale, on a quiet Sunday at Forever 21.

A sales assistant comes in with a rack of dresses and I instantly wonder how Alice can possibly know my size. Did she email Jess or Angela and ask them for a rough idea? Jesus, did Edward _guess_ it?

The other two begin feverishly pawing through the rail of beautiful gowns but I hang back a little, uncertain what I'm really looking for. Alice appears at my side and slips a friendly arm around me.

"Don't fret, babe" she says. "I already know exactly which one will suit you."

She hops over to the rail and quickly plucks out a dress, holding it up for my opinion.

It is a simple, one shoulder dark blue satin, knee length dress with beautiful detailing in the fabric at the shoulder and the opposite hip. It is a lot younger and cooler than anything I would usually pick out but it is beautiful.

"Don't look daunted, Bella. It's a modern twist on a classic. You have such a tiny waist you should show it off a little and this colour will contrast beautifully with your skin tone." Alice says.

"Um, ok. I'll try it on then?"

"Good girl." Alice grins and shows me to a dressing room.

I quickly slip into the gown and do up the zip as high as I can. Alice stands on tiptoes to finish pulling it up for me. I think she may be the tiniest woman I have ever met.

She appraises me and her ever-present smile broadens. "Just as I thought, absolutely bloody perfect."

She gently grabs my wrist and tugs me around to face the mirror and I'm pleasantly stunned by the sight before me. The dress is perfect; it pulls in beautifully around my waist before flaring the tiniest bit at my hips giving me the appearance of a very slight hourglass figure. The one shoulder adds a modern twist and Alice is right, the colour seems to really suit me.

Alice laughs. "I would ask you what you think but your face says it all. Perfect right?"

"Yes." I reply, a little awed. This girl has a real skill. "I love it. Thank you, Alice." I turn to smile at her.

She shrugs. "Anytime. Eddie said you deserved a treat."

"He did?" I can't help but ask.

"Yep. He is so grateful for all the work you've been putting in since you joined."

She rolls her eyes and lowers her voice. "Plus anyone who has risked his cooking is a brave and deserving girl indeed."

I don't miss the quick, sharp glances from both Angela and Jess where they are standing at the mirrors beside me.

"He told you about that?" I feel a little uncomfortable, as I'm not sure if Edward would want the whole office to know that we've been hanging out outside of work, even if we are just friends. But I'm also incredibly curious to know what he has told his sister about me.

"Yeah. He loves to regale me with his cooking dramas, rare though they are. Count yourself privileged, I suspect that may be the first time he has attempted a meal in that kitchen for months!"

The other two continue to stare open-mouthed and Alice seems to finally notice them.

"Er, anyway, where was I? Let's get a look at you two." She quickly turns the subject back around.

So Edward has spoken about me to his sister, and he went into enough detail that she knows about the ruined lasagne. Are they just talk-every-day close or dare I hope that has he been talking about me for another reason?

_Hope, Swan? Get your shit together. You can't have him._

I shake my thoughts away and change back into my work clothes. Having selected their dresses, Angela and Jess do the same and Alice insists on using her very generous staff discount. We say farewell to Alice and this time she grips me in a surprisingly strong hug.

She speaks softly in my ear. "You'll look so gorgeous, Bella, _everyone_ will have their eyes on you." When she pulls back she grins and winks at me.

I've barely made it out of the door before Jess and Angela are interrogating me.

"You've been to Eddie's HOUSE?" Jessica squeals.

"He's cooked for you?" Angela seems equally awed. Colour rises in my cheeks and I want the ground to open up.

"We just watched a movie. We live in the same neighbourhood. We're friends I guess." I turn to look at each of their faces. "Why is this such a big deal? Edward is friends with you."

Jess scoffs. "Leave it out, Bella! We're _colleagues_. We banter, we chat and we work together. But I'm not his friend and neither is Ange nor anyone else associated with the business as far as I can tell. Aside from Jasper Whitlock, Ed treats all colleagues and associates the same - he is charming, funny and smooth as cut glass but he doesn't let a single soul _inside_. I know how he handles a project and how he takes his tea but I couldn't tell you his favourite music -"

_Classical piano and 90s indie._

"- or his favourite book -"

_Flowers for Algernon._

"- or his guilty pleasures."

_Richard Curtis romantic comedies._

She looks at me and slowly smiles. "But something tells me that you could. Right?"

Aversion tactic needed.

"What about my predecessor, Kate? She and Edward were close, weren't they?"

Angela looks at me gently. "Yes, they had an excellent working relationship and lots of banter. She is a great PA, but I'm still fairly certain he never had her round for tea."

Oh. This is strange then. Why would he be so insistent on us spending time together outside of work? Why would he actually ask to be friends? And why is it so hot in here?

"Is there something else going on, Bella?" Angela practically whispers.

"Yeah you can tell us!" Jess is almost jumping on the spot, gossip antennae flashing.

"No!" I quickly respond, pushing the moment outside my apartment to the back of my mind. Meeting their sceptical gaze I insist, "I swear! It's nothing like that."

Jessica shrugs, apparently temporarily satisfied. We're back at our desks now and Edward is almost within earshot. She leans in closer and whispers. "Well, don't worry if he does flirt like crazy. He's like that with everyone anyway."

_Um, what now?_ One minute they are insinuating there is something going on between Edward and I and the next Jess is saying he tries it on with every woman on Volturi's payroll so it's no big deal? This place is giving me whiplash.

Suddenly, the man himself is in front of us. "Alright, ladies? Was it a successful shopping trip?"

"Absolutely." Jessica says, sly grin playing on her lips. "In fact, Bella got something especially beautiful."

"Good." he says, glancing at me.

But Jess isn't done. "Just you wait, Ed, she's gonna be a total knock-out." She is eyeing us both carefully and I desperately try to send Edward a telepathic message that this is a trap. I must fail miserably because when I look up his eyes quickly rake over me and he says softly "I've no doubt."

Quickly turning to Jess he says, "I'm sure your outfit is awesome too."

"Always." She grins.

"Belleview update telecon in 20 minutes, yeah?"

"You got it, boss." I wonder if that smug grin will crack her face in half by 5.30.

"And do you have five minutes now, Bella?"

"Um, sure." I stammer, following him into his office.

His sits behind his desk and I take my usual position in the chair opposite.

"I'm glad Alice was able to help," he says, rifling through some papers on his desk.

"Yes it was really great, thank you. And Alice was brilliant; she really has a good eye. Please thank her again for me."

Edward looks thoughtful. "Yeah my sister certainly sees things that's for sure. She wasn't too overbearing I hope?"

"No more than you." I smile and he returns it.

"Ah, here it is." He finally finds the piece of paper he is looking for. "So, final party plans. We all set?"

I fill him in on the details for a few minutes and then he asks. "Are you still dreading it then?"

"I'm not dreading it. I'm just a little anxious for everything to go well."

"It'll be perfect, you'll see" he replies. "However, there are much more pressing things to concern yourself with besides name badges and entertainment."

I'm curious. "Such as?"

"Well our pervy old clients for one thing." Edward explains. "Half of Voturi's regular clients are Aro's old Gentlemen's Club execs; rich old bastards with dirty deals and dirtier minds. It's one of the things I would love to try to change when I'm a department head but for now, keep your wits about you."

He is scowling and I wonder how he manages to make even that expression attractive. He continues. "They love the PAs at these things - mainly because you are predominantly young and female - and _you_ will be especially popular."

"Why do you say that?" I ask.

Edward chuckles. "Because you're fucking gorgeous, aren't you?"

I try to remember to breathe as I blush a furious red.

"And try to control that adorable blush too." He says softly. "Unless you want to make it worse for yourself."

I'm not entirely sure how serious he is about what he is saying but the flirting is doing delicious things to me. Also, I can't help but notice the slight flush high on his cheekbones too.

Feeling my confidence boosted, I ask, "So what do you suggest? What's my tactic for ridding myself of these creepy advances?" I smile so he knows I'm only half serious.

"Keep your arse out of reach and stick to business small talk only. Oh and if anyone does get too friendly, you have my permission to knee him in the balls." Now I know he is kidding as his eyes are sparkling a little wickedly.

"Unless it's Michael Coleman of course." He grins widely. "He's given us enough business to warrant the opportunity to cop a feel."

"Edward!" I admonish, both of us laughing.

"Kidding of course." He says. "If Michael lays a hand on you I'll break his bloody arm. How 'bout that?"

"How valiant of you." I roll my eyes.

"Told you I was an English gentleman, didn't I?"

I laugh. "And where will you be, pray tell? Hanging by the bar, waiting to pinch some yummy client ass yourself?"

He is silent for a beat and his face grows a little more serious. He locks his gaze on mine, doing the soul searching, mind reading thing again.

"Nope. I'll be watching...and waiting."

"For what?" I ask softly.

"For you to complete the final party-related task I've set you."

My heart rate picks up as I watch his face.

"Which is?"

"Saving me a dance."

My breath catches and I have to look away. I'm hit with a barrage of distracting thoughts and confusing questions and my emotions are running wild. Alice's cryptic words and wink. Jess' warning. Edward's penetrating green stare. Fun or flirt? Friend or boss?

But I know one thing for certain. I've had enough of his uncomfortable teasing. It's time to fight fire with fire.

I swallow hard, look him straight in the eye and purr.

"I'll put it on my To Do list, _Mr Cullen._"

**A/N**

**Oh I do so love it when our B forgets her shyness and gives Ed some sass! ;-) Also, you all simply MUST read Flowers for Algernon, one of the best books ever written IMO. **

**As always, I would love to hear your thoughts so please hit the button and give it to me straight. I live for feedback. Teasers for reviewers as usual and feel free to follow me on Twitter or Facebook under Ambers Pen. **

***Hint* - the next chap is The Big One (and I don't just mean because it is twice the word count!) and I am already incredibly nervous! It should be with you just after Christmas. Until then thanks again for your support and I wish a happy holiday season to you all!**

**Amber x**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N**

**Disclaimer - Twilight belongs to the fantastic Stephenie Meyer, I just own this Britishward. Or I wish I did.**

**Thank you and welcome to all the new readers who have reviewed or put this story on alert. And thank you to everyone who is continuing to support this tale - your feedback means the world to me :-)**

**HUGE thanks to The Grammar Goddess, Trip, for turning my writing into real English.**

**I'm pretty nervous about how you are all going to react to this chapter. See you on the flipside (I hope!).**

***hides behind desk***

**BPOV**

One of the most disappointing things about womens' magazines is the pages where they explain how to create a "simple up do" and then provide a five point instruction that may as well be written in a foreign language. It's the night of the Volturi party and I'm showered and sitting at my dresser with a mouth full of bobby pins, the offending magazine in front of me.

_Wrap one section around the pony and pin in place._

Seriously, how can something that sounds so straightforward be such a challenge for me? I have pinned a piece in place but can't seem to tuck the end in anywhere that looks nice. I spit out the pins and growl in frustration at my reflection in the mirror.

I eye my flushed and sweaty complexion. _Well at least you didn't do your make up first._

I take a deep breath and re-read the instructions. I consider just giving up and leaving my hair loose but the dress Alice chose definitely deserves an up do. I'm struck with an idea and begin calmly pinning each section in place. Then I dig out my curling iron from a box of Seattle stuff I still haven't gotten around to unpacking and begin curling the loose ends that I had no idea what to do with. When I've done what I think is every piece I grab my hand mirror to check the back and I'm pleasantly surprised. It looks nothing like the picture, of course, but it will definitely do.

I apply my make up, including a lipstick in a bolder shade than usual and smokier eyes, and slip into the blue dress. Zipping up alone is more of a challenge than with Alice's help but I manage. I stand in front of the mirror and I'm pretty pleased with what I see. I briefly wonder if a certain someone will be watching as he promised before quickly burying the thought. I need to keep my wits about me tonight. One drink too many and I can see my resolve to keep away from Edward Cullen slipping away completely.

_Would that be so bad, Swan?_

Yes.

Yes, when he knows the truth it would.

My taxi arrives and I briefly wonder if I should call Edward and pick him up on the way. But then I laugh at the idea - arriving together isn't going to do much to quieten the rumour mill.

I arrive at the Grosvenor House Hotel 45 minutes early, as all staff have been asked to do. The ballroom looks beautiful and I check in with the event manager to make sure all is as it should be. Thankfully, Kate's prior work has helped me immensely.

I glance around the room and recognise Edward from only his tuxedo-clad back, where he stands talking to Aro and the Finance Director, Alec.

_Damn._ I have been so busy concerning myself with how I'm going to look tonight that I hadn't given much thought to seeing Edward...in a tux. At once I can't look away from his broad shoulders and how delicious his ass looks in those dress pants. I find myself willing him to turn around but at the same time I feel like I'm viewing an eclipse; I'm desperate to see but I'm afraid to look directly.

He must feel my pathetic eyes on his back because he eventually turns around and - _sweet Jesus_ - he looks even better than I imagined. The fitted shirt and cummerbund highlight his slim waist, his broad shoulders wear the dinner jacket better than James Bond and the white of his shirt sleeves peeping out from underneath his jacket and just slightly covering his incredible hands makes my stomach flip over.

My eyes eventually roam upwards and I can't help but smirk at his navy blue bow tie; Volturi company colours, Edward is marketing through and through. I reach his face and expect him to be smiling like usual but instead his eyes are strangely dark and are boring into mine. He pulls his bottom lip with his teeth and then runs his hand over his mouth and I feel like he can read every thought in my head.

He murmurs something in Aro's ear that looks like "be right back" but he doesn't take his eyes off of me the entire time. He strides over and my heart feels like it may actually punch out of my chest and lay fluttering on the floor between us.

He arrives in front of me, eyes almost black.

"_Bella_," he rasps before quickly clearing his throat.

"Hi" he says, more loudly.

"Hi" I reply quietly. He smells incredible. Why do things suddenly feel so different?

He clears his throat again. "You look...fantastic."

Then he laughs a little nervously and makes a big show of looking over both shoulders, saying "Joking aside, I may have to _actually_ keep an eye on you with these blokes."

I smile "Thanks. You are -" _the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on_ "- looking pretty sharp too."

He glances down at his suit and blushes slightly, making my toes curl.

"Ta very much," he says. "I do my best."

Best we take this conversation back to safer ground.

"So what's the plan?" I ask. "Do you need me to do anything?"

"Nope, don't think so" he replies, plucking a glass of champagne from a waiter's tray and handing it to me. "Just drink this and relax, hard work is done now - for you at least. I have several hours of talking boring industry bollocks with a bunch of old tossers ahead of me."

He whispers this last sentence conspiratorially and I reward him with a giggle. I try to resist the urge to breathe in a huge gulp of his scent with him leaning this close. Pine, fresh linen and something totally _Edward_. If I leant forward just a few inches I could lick his neck...shit, he's still talking.

"...need you later though."

"I'm sorry, what was that?" I ask hastily.

He pulls back and looks at me a little quizzically. "I was just saying that I would like to introduce you to some people later, if that's okay? Current and regular clients etc."

"Sure. Just come and find me."

"I won't need to," he winks. "I'll be watching for arse-grabbers, remember?"

If he would just stop playing with me for two minutes I could hold a conversation using my entire brain without distraction.

"That's very kind of you, Edward, but I reckon I can take care of that myself." I smile.

"I'll bet you can, Miss." His eyes sparkle a little.

There is the sound of a glass being tapped and Aro clearing his throat. The room falls quiet for the boss' briefing.

"Duty calls," Edward whispers. "I'll talk to you later."

He takes a step to join the rest of the consultants but quickly springs back close to my side. I feel his hand brush against my lower back and he leans back into my ear.

"And don't forget about that dance you promised me."

By the time my mouth can form words to reply he has gone. Jess is right; his flirting is out of control. It really isn't fair for someone with that much charisma to also look that good in a tuxedo. It should be one or the other, then I might actually stand a chance.

I go to stand with the rest of the staff and nod hello to Angela and Jess. Aro begins his speech, which mainly consists of welcome, enjoy yourselves etc. but also utilise this opportunity to engage in useful conversations with our clients.

"So...a networking event then?" Jess whispers with a snigger.

When he is finished I mill around and chat to the rest of the staff as best I can. I check with the hotel staff on the door that they have everything they need - delegate lists, name badges etc. Before long it's 8pm and clients begin to arrive.

The PAs and researchers mainly stick together but we can almost feel the pressure to mingle in the air so we decide to team up and go chat. I stick with Jessica and mainly stay on the sidelines while she turns on the social butterfly routine. Every time she introduces me as "Ed Cullen's assistant" I receive a warm smile. I quickly ascertain what I already suspected; Edward is very popular with all his work contacts and he must be a real asset to Aro.

Shortly after, Edward catches my eye from across the room and beckons me over with a flick of his head. He is talking to a tall guy, late-forties with a slim build and slightly greying dark hair.

"Bella," Edward says when I join them. "Come and meet Michael Coleman."

Mr Coleman holds out his hand and smiles warmly. "It's lovely to finally put a face to a name," he says. We have spoken on the phone and email several times since I arrived here.

"Bella is an excellent assistant," Edward tells him. "Super efficient. If ever I'm not around she can sort you out with whatever you need or answer your questions."

I'm warmed by his praise and can't help the almost-permanent blush that rises in my face.

"Excellent." Coleman says. "If she is that good, maybe I'll try to poach her from you!" He laughs.

Edward and I chuckle politely and Edward replied, "Not if I can help it!"

Coleman makes his excuses to move on and Kate appears at Edward's side. She nudges him with her elbow. "Hello stranger!"

He spins around and plants a kiss on her cheek. "Alright, Kate? Aro said you might pop in."

"Well I missed you all so much of course." Kate rolls her eyes.

"You remember Bella?" Edward asks and Kate gives me a warm smile.

"Of course. How's it going so far?"

"Great thanks, and thank you so much for all the work you put into tonight before you left. I would have been screwed otherwise."

Edward looks a little exasperated. "No you wouldn't, Bella! Have a little confidence." His hand brushes my back like earlier and I notice Kate's eyes catching it.

"I'm just happy I didn't leave you too much shit, Bella." Kate says. "This bloke is a bit of a nightmare, as I imagine you've gathered by now."

Edward laughs and mimes putting his hand over her mouth. "Leave it out, Kate! I've been on my best behaviour!"

Kate eyes him pointedly and glances between us. "Yeah, actually, I'd imagine you have."

We chat some more and she tells us a little about her new job. Edward begins updating her on some client gossip and I leave them to reminisce.

The night continues; champagne is drunk, canapés are eaten and I manage to hold several conversations without making a fool of myself. Clients begin to disappear and the staff that are left relax a little.

Shortly after 10pm, Kate finds me again. She is more flushed and less steady than earlier.

"Hey, Bella! How's it going? Surviving? These things are beyond dull, huh?" She almost yells.

I shrug. "It's actually not been that bad."

"Nah, it's all right I guess. Ed's in his element, isn't he?"

I watch him as he makes one of the remaining clients laugh and shakes his hand eagerly.

"Yeah, he's a pro."

"Definitely, definitely." Kate murmurs, stumbling a little.

"But listen," she says, putting a hand on my elbow. "What's going on between you two?"

This is starting to feel a little like Groundhog Day.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

Kate leans in close to my ear and attempts the type of comedy whisper, so often used by drunk people, which is actually louder than normal speech.

"I _mean_ he hasn't taken his eyes off of you all night."

"Don't be silly. He has barely noticed me."

"Bella, are you blind? No matter who he is talking to, every few minutes he glances up and I watch him scan the room. At first I wondered what on earth he was doing, the dippy bastard, but then I realised he was looking for you. Once he found you each time his eyes would linger for a second and then he went back to his conversation."

"Really?" My heart is racing. Is she just drunk and imagining it?

"Bella, quick! He's doing it right now!" She hisses and then giggles.

I glance up just as Edward's eyes settle on me. I expect him to hastily look away but he doesn't. He holds my gaze and smiles slightly, as if he has been waiting for me to catch his eye for a while.

Kate says, "This is so bloody odd, Bella. I'm telling you."

"Is it?" I try to remain nonchalant. "I think he is just keeping his promise not to let me get groped." I laugh a little.

Kate turns me so we're eye to eye. Her pupils are a little dilated but her expression is serious.

"Honestly Bella I've never seen him like this with anyone. Usually it's like he doesn't even notice women."

"That's not what I've heard!" I laugh.

Kate rolls her eyes. "I didn't say he doesn't pull. Of course he does. Weekly. He always manages to locate a new woman but he never really looks at any of them. Never really _sees_ them. Until tonight. Until _you_."

I am afraid to open my mouth, afraid of what I might say.

Kate takes a huge slug of her drink and watches me carefully.

"Do you see _him_ too, Bella?" She asks softly.

After many weeks of denying what every cell in my body is screaming I'm exhausted. I can't deny it any more. I watch his handsome face, his easy smile and his strong frame from across the room.

"Yes," I whisper.

"Are you afraid?" Kate asks and I find this the strangest, oddest, most fucking accurate question I've ever heard.

"Yes," I repeat.

"Don't be, babe," she says more loudly, slinging her arm around my shoulders. "He's an idiot sometimes and I sense a few issues but he's a lovely man, Bella, I swear it. I've only ever known a tiny piece of him, the tiny professional part that he allows everyone to see but he is warm and kind and his heart is in the right place. I've heard how he talks to his mother, his sister, his friends. He is good, Bella. I'm an excellent reader of people - "

_No kidding!_

"- and I have always read him, and now you too. So please don't be afraid, Bella," she stares at me oddly intensely and lowers her voice again.

"If Edward Cullen offers you his heart, my lovely, you'd be a fool not to take it."

The silence stretches between us until I finally find my tongue.

"Kate, I really don't think that's going to happen because -"

"What's not gonna happen?" Edward asks from right behind us and I almost scream out loud. During Kate's advice he must have snuck up on us.

Kate recovers more quickly than I do. "Oh I was just filling Bella in on what happened between Angela and Eric the last time we had a work do. "

Edward smiles at her good-naturedly. "Bloody hell, Ms Katie, you are the absolute worst gossip!"

Kate shrugs. "Don't pretend you never begged me for the juiciest morsels, Eddie C! Bella, you'd better work on your grapevine."

"No!" Edward exclaims. "I mean, don't encourage that, Kate. Bella isn't like that, she's actually _nice_." His eyes twinkle at me and I can't work out if that was a compliment or not.

"So..." he continues. "After party? We're heading to Soho I think."

"Sure," Kate says. "I'll just go and get my coat." She offers to get my jacket too and slips off.

At once I'm very aware that Edward and I are alone.

We're alone and apparently he has been watching me all night.

We're alone and he still smells so good.

We're alone and it's the end of the party and...

"Wait! There wasn't any dancing!"

_Bella's mouth meet Bella's brain, I believe you've been estranged for a while!_ Jesus I can't believe that just came out. I may as well have just confessed how badly I want to be in his arms.

The slow, happy grin that lights up his face tells me he definitely gets it.

"Of course there wasn't, Bella. This was a networking event - and we tend to chat to clients, not smooch with them."

He leans in closer. "But that isn't what I meant when I asked you to save me a dance. We'll get our chance...later. If you come to Soho that is?"

Continued resistance is futile clearly.

"Sure," I say.

The last of the clients and the majority of senior management say their goodbyes. A group of about ten of us share a few cabs and end up in a bar on Dean Street. Inside the combination of darkness, heat and the red walls coating everyone in an otherworldly glow does nothing to cool me off.

Edward removes his jacket, undoes his tie and top shirt button and rolls up his shirtsleeves. I try not to stare.

"What do you want to drink?" He asks, loudly and close to my ear. The music is thumping loudly and I feel the base from my toes all the way to my misbehaving heart.

"Cosmopolitan please." I tell him and he smiles and heads to the bar. I turn around to look for Angela when I notice a tall, gorgeous blonde woman has joined our small table. I don't recognise her and she wasn't at the party.

I head over and stand beside Angela. She notices and introduces me.

"This is Bella," she says. "She just joined us from the Seattle office."

The woman is truly beautiful - flawless skin and violet eyes that seem to glow in the dim light.

"Hi," she says.

Angela gestures towards her. "This is Rosalie Hale, Bella, she used to work with us."

Oh _shit_. This is Rosalie. The Rosalie who was Edward's "friend" and work partner before doing a number on the company and taking Edward's contacts. I wonder why she is here and why the others are clearly not angry with her.

"Hi, nice to meet you," I say quickly because everyone is looking at me.

"So how are you liking the UK so far, Bella?" Rosalie asks me and her smile is surprisingly warm.

I try to gather my wits and wonder where Edward is. I pray there is a big queue at the bar.

"Yes, it's great thanks. London is a very cool city."

I wish she would just ignore me and go back to talking to the others.

"And what about Volturi? Aro is a bloody slave-driver right?" She asks.

If everything Edward said is true then this woman screwed him over and she has no right to bad mouth the company to me.

"Actually," I say. "Aro has been very welcoming. I like the company very much."

Rosalie raises a sceptical eyebrow. "Okay. What do you do anyway? Are you an associate consultant?

"She works for me." Edward's voice comes from directly behind me and it's ice cold.

"Eddie! Hi!" I notice that the smile now adorning Rosalie's face is a lot less genuine than the one she gave me. "Long time, no see. How are you?"

"Fine," Edward says, teeth gritted. "Excuse us."

He grips my elbow a little too tightly and leads us a few metres away.

"What were you talking to Rosalie about?" He looks furious.

"Nothing, I just met her about 30 seconds ago," I wonder why I am justifying myself to him. I can speak to whoever I like!

"Was she trying to poach you?"

I can't help the burst of laughter. "No! Edward, you're being ridiculous."

His eyes narrow further. "Don't fucking laugh at me, Bella. It was a legitimate question."

"God, of course she wasn't trying to poach me! Jesus, you consultants are so paranoid about that stuff."

"Comes with territory in this game," he says, but I can tell he still isn't sure I'm telling the truth.

"Edward, I swear I was talking to her for five seconds. She wasn't interested in offering me a job!"

"Good," Edward swallows hard. "Because you're mine."

His eyes go wide for a second and it would be comical if my heart wasn't in my throat. "Um, I mean, you're my PA."

I feel a little angry. He is behaving like a child and like a sexist asshole. I'm not his property and I hate the power his emotions have over me.

I try to keep my voice calm.

"Edward, I'm sorry but you are being a little insane. I don't plan on being poached by someone I met in a bar two minutes ago and I'm kind of insulted that you would assume that I would be."

He opens his mouth to speak but I carry on.

"And I want to get something else clear too. I do not "work for you". I am employed by Volturi, and they _assigned_ me to you. I'm not your property and I'd rather you didn't treat me as such."

"Bella-"

"No Edward, it's "bollocks" as you'd call it. If you want to have a pissing contest with an ex-colleague because she once bruised your ego then that's up to you, but leave me out of it. And lastly, don't physically drag me off from a conversation with a stranger just because you've gone all caveman all of a sudden!"

Edward stares at me open-mouthed and I feel a little smug. He gets a hold of himself and mutters, "She isn't a stranger to me."

"Clearly!" I shout, just as the song changes and I feel a dozen eyes swivel to me.

Edward and I stare at each other for a beat. The next song comes on, his lip quirks up and the next thing I know we both burst into laughter.

"Did you really just say 'bollocks'?" He exclaims, still sniggering.

"Apparently so." I relent.

Once we've got control of ourselves, Edward takes a deep breath.

"You're right though, that was completely ridiculous." He holds my gaze. "I'm sorry for being a sexist tosser, Bella."

I smile at him. "I'm sorry for being a whiny feminist."

He gives me my favourite crooked smile. "Can we just go back to being Edward and Bella now please?"

"Definitely."

He sighs and drags a hand through his hair. My fingers itch. "This isn't really going according to plan."

I wonder if he can sense my increased heartbeat over the thumping music.

"What plan?" I ask.

He looks both sheepish and resigned. "I had a three-fold plan."

I try to steady my breathing. Could his plan involve all of the things I cannot do with him but want to so much it hurts?

"What was the first point on your plan?" I ask, cautiously. "Maybe it's salvageable."

He looks pleased that I'm playing along. "The first item was pretty simple - _Buy Bella a Drink_. Didn't really think it was possible to mess that part up." He chuckles nervously. I glance pointedly between his empty hands and the bar a couple of metres away.

"Yeah I kinda abandoned the bar to storm over and "talk bollocks"".

I laugh. "Okay well let's try it again."

We get to the bar and Edward orders our drinks. I suggest two shots of Sambuca too, to which he raises an eyebrow but readily agrees.

"What shall we toast to?" I say, holding up my tiny glass and trying to stop my hand from shaking.

He stares at me, "The truth."

Without allowing myself to think too hard about the meaning of this toast I mutter, "truth" and knock back the liquor.

We sip our other drinks in silence. The tension rolls between us but the silence is not uncomfortable. I listen carefully to all of the songs playing and revel in Edward's body heat close beside me.

When both our glasses are drained I nudge his shoulder lightly and say. "What was the second plan point?"

He turns his head and our faces are suddenly very close. "_Get Bella to Dance with Me_."

"Well, you got it, boss." I murmur.

I watch his throat bob up and down and he reaches for my hand. His palm is warm and his large hand makes mine feel tiny. Silently, he leads us to the dance floor. The music is neither fast nor slow so the kind of dancing required is not completely clear. Except, to us, it is. With a whole conversation unspoken, he gently pulls me into his arms. His eyes never once leave mine and it feels like he is asking permission. I grant it with a nod of my head and put my hand on his shoulder. I can feel the heat of his skin and the muscles of his shoulder under his shirt and I can't stop the tiny shiver that runs through me.

His hand goes to the small of my back and he eases me nearer to him. I rest my head on his shoulder because at this proximity it would be more difficult not to. Edward begins to gently sway us to the music but I'm completely unaware of the lyrics or the tempo. All I can feel is the low hum between his body and mine.

He takes a slightly shaky breath and I realise it's the first he has taken since with began to dance. The need to touch more of him is overwhelming and before I can stop it I slide my hand up to graze the back of his neck. His skin is warm and a little damp with sweat and I'm finally so close to his incredible hair. I slowly push my fingers into his thick bronze waves. He makes a strangled humming sound and I feel his fist close around the material of my dress at the base of my back.

He takes a deep breath and I feel his face close to the top of my head.

"Your hair smells amazing," he comments quietly and it's such a simple sentence but I can't find the words to reply. "You _are_ amazing, Bella. You look so beautiful tonight. Alice was right; she said when I saw you I wouldn't know what had hit me but then at the same time I suddenly _would_. She said that everything would become clear if I let it, and she was right about that too."

I'm silent because to speak you need to breathe and I've momentary forgotten how. But it doesn't matter because Edward isn't finished. He leans his mouth closer to my ear and his breath is warm. "Can I attempt the third point in my plan now?"

I take a shaky breath and his scent fills every part of me.

"What is it?" I murmur.

He pulls back and finds my eyes with his. He looks nervous and a little afraid and I feel like my face is a mirror image.

"_Tell Bella the Truth_."

I catch a glimpse of Jessica and Kate staring at us from across the room.

"Not here," I whisper.

Edward nods and takes my hand in his again. He leads the way outside and silently walks into the small park at the centre of Soho Square. When we sit down on one of the benches he doesn't let go of my hand. Outside everything feels more real and I wonder what the hell I think I'm doing. Then Edward squeezes my hand and I feel safer.

"Is this okay ?" He asks, gesturing to our clasped fingers.

I nod.

He looks out across the tiny park and takes another deep breath. He slowly strokes his thumb over mine and it's distracting. When he finally speaks I want to hold my breath.

"It feels like ever since you came here all I have done is apologise to you and I'm afraid I'm going to have to again."

I'm confused. "What for?"

He looks down at our hands in his lap. "I should never have insisted we be friends, Bella. It was a stupid idea. I knew from that first moment in Aro's office that I wanted you and when you made it clear you definitely didn't want me I should have left well alone."

His actions all night have shown me how he really feels but hearing him say it out loud turns it into solid reality. My throat feels tight and I fight the sting of tears. I don't know how I'm going to walk away.

He continues, "I should have kept things professional, like you said, but I couldn't. I just wanted to be near you however I could. I feel this...connection between us."

He looks at me then, presumably for my reaction, but I have my shutters tightly down, way too frightened to let him inside.

"Being friends...hurts. Every moment with you has my heart in my throat. When we're at work I can't keep my eyes off of you - your body, your smile, your bloody _hair_. It's driving me insane and I'm tired. I'm so tired of not telling you."

"This isn't even me, Bella," he says, a little sadly. "Or at least not the person I've been for many years. I'm not used to this and it's like every day there is a new fucking feeling and I have nowhere to put it or nobody to tell it to so I guess that's what I'm doing. Telling you. Because I can't _not tell you any more_."

He still won't look at me and I'm glad because I fear that the second I look into those emeralds the tiny thread I am holding onto will snap and the truth will pour from my mouth.

_Yes, Edward._

_Yes, I feel that connection._

_Yes, I can think of nothing else when we're together._

_Yes yes yes yes._

But how can I tell him 'yes' just to tell him 'no' immediately after? How can I tell him 'yes' when we have no future, no chance at a normal relationship? How can I tell him 'yes' when the ordinary girl he thinks he wants doesn't even exist?

Instead, I take the cowards route. I find another reason. Any other reason as long as it isn't the truth.

I set my jaw and close my eyes tightly for a second and ignore the pain that rips through my chest when I pull my hand from his grasp. The indignant voice that comes from my mouth isn't even mine.

"But what about the other women, Edward?" I say, tight lipped.

_Stay strong, Bella; just stay strong long enough to push him away and then you can crumble alone in the dark where nobody else can see._

He frowns and looks at my face but it's okay now because my mask is in place.

"What?" he asks.

I force the scoff from my mouth. "Oh please Edward, what sort of fool do you take me for?"

"What are you talking about?" he says quietly. "I'm talking about _us_. What do you mean?"

_Shutter down, Swan. Lock it tight. Stick to the plan._

"You don't feel anything for me, Edward. You're kidding yourself. This is nothing but a game to you."

"You're wrong," he says, but he has pulled his body away slightly. I can almost see his defences coming up. It is what I want.

"I'm not wrong, Edward. I know everything about you. You have a different woman every week. You fuck any woman you like. You wanted to fuck me but I wouldn't let you."

It takes everything in my power to ignore the flinch that crosses his face at the word "fuck". _Keep the wall up, Swan._

I push on; it will be over soon. "And now you can't let it go, can you? The one that got away. Gotta nail that one, Cullen, huh? You think you feel something more but it's nothing but pure ego!"

Just a little bit longer. I clench my fists.

He stands up and shakes his head. I see his jaw twitch.

"Stop this bollocks, Bella. You _do_ know me, and you know I'm telling the truth. You're just too afraid."

This is harder than I thought and every brick I've laid is crumbling. I need to play my ace.

"Oh yeah?" Non-Bella snarls, standing too. "Well if you are so fucking into me then what about last Wednesday?"

He looks even more confused and angry, but angry is good. "Bella, I have no fucking idea what you are talking about. What about Wednesday?"

"I have eyes, Edward. I saw your shirt. I know you didn't go home. So you might be kidding yourself that there is something between us but it didn't stop you fucking someone else in the meantime."

This part is especially hard because it's true and it hurts. It hurts like hell. But letting him in only to have him walk away will hurt more.

I watch his face to see it crumble; to see that I'm right. To see him resigned to the fact that we can't happen and to walk away. Instead he laughs, utterly humourlessly.

I am still and wait for him to finish. When he does he has taken a step closer to me and speaks very slowly and deliberately.

"Last Tuesday night me Jasper and some of the guys had a poker night. I had half a bottle of scotch and fell asleep on Jasper's couch."

This takes the wind out of my sails but I don't collapse completely.

"Fine, maybe not then," I relent. "But there are others, aren't there? You can't help yourself."

"Bella, why are you doing this?" His voice is soft and his tone hits me square in the chest.

"I'm not doing anything. I'm just pointing out that if you were serious about me you wouldn't still be banging every woman in London!"

I know I'm starting to sound insane but I'm unable to stop. Edward growls in frustration and tosses his hands in the air.

"I'm NOT!" he suddenly roars. He stares down at me with stormy eyes and more bricks begin tumble.

"Do you want to know why?" he shouts. "Do you want to know why I haven't laid a hand on another woman since the moment I laid eyes on you?"

No.

_Yes._

"Because I can think of nothing - NOTHING - besides you! You consume every thought in my head and I finally find the guts to tell you and you're so fucking afraid that you say anything and everything you can to try to push me away."

He takes a deep breath and a step closer.

"But you know what? All you have done, Bella, is given me hope. Hope that you feel enough for me that you're willing to go to such extremes to get me to leave you alone."

I'm shaking now and tears fill my eyes. _He sees your plan, Swan. He's got you pegged and he's calling you out._ The determination on his face frightens me more than anything.

He speaks more softly and takes another step towards me.

"But it won't work, Bella. I _see_ you, I know all about your barriers and your walls because I have plenty of my own. I don't pretend to know the reasons behind them and I would give the world for you to let me in but it doesn't matter right now because I see what you're doing and I'm not letting go."

His face is an inch from mine. His eyes are gentle and every brick and shutter and barrier inside me turns to dust.

"You can try to push me away with everything you have but I only have one response now."

He lays a hand on my cheek and presses his forehead to mine.

"_Nice try_."

He kisses me.

I expect his mouth to be hard and aggressive. If it were then maybe I would have found that last iota of strength. Maybe I could have shoved him and walked away. But it isn't like that. His lips are gentle and coaxing and - _oh God_ - so soft. He brushes his mouth against mine over and over, as if looking for surrender. He captures my face in his palms, strokes the tears rolling down my cheeks with his thumbs. He places a kiss of each corner of my mouth before gently sucking my bottom lip between his. If he had been rough I might have stood a chance but he is gentle and persuasive and...

I break.

I feel every single muscle, every single atom of my being relax into him. I loop my arms around his neck and his hands find my waist and he pulls me towards him, holding me so,so tight. His mouth is still hesitant though, testing and teasing. I know he is waiting for me and I can't resist another moment. I touch the tip of my tongue to his bottom lip and it seems to be all the encouragement he needs.

He opens his mouth to mine and the sound that escapes the back of his throat is somewhere between desire and sheer relief and, fuck, I know that feeling. His tongue strokes mine and I push against it with my own and I think if this kiss ever stops I may stop too. He is air and life and hope and I drink him in - every taste, every breath, every groan. I drag my nails down his back and he brings his hand to the back of my neck and deeper, more, _please_...

I don't know how long we are locked together but I'm afraid to open my eyes, afraid to loosen my vice-like grip on him. I'm afraid to break the fire of this delicious kiss because I have no idea what ashes will be left in its wake.

When he pulls away he doesn't go far. He rests his forehead against mine, breathless, and just stares at me. In all the years we were together Jake never really looked at me properly, but Edward sees into my very soul.

For a moment I allow myself the indulgence of keeping my guard down. I let my emotions flow over my face. _I need you, Edward. You're everything. I've never wanted anything more than I want your mouth back on mine._

He brushes his fingers over my cheekbone and down my neck. He places two more soft kisses on my lips before crushing me to him. The feeling of being held brings with it fresh tears. Aside from Emmett's bear hugs I can't remember the last time I was held by a man. And I can't remember it ever feeling this good.

He kisses the top of my head and whispers, "Do you see now, Bella? Do you see what we are? What we could be?"

I do see and that's the problem. I'm struck at once with the injustice of it. This man, this wonderful, intelligent gorgeous man actually wants me, and it's just not possible.

I pull back and kiss him once more, but when I pull back the shutters are down and he knows it.

"It doesn't change anything, Edward." I whisper, and turn away from him.

"Bella, don't do this." I can hear the slight desperation in his tone and the guilt rocks over me. This man, with his own demons, has chosen me as the woman to let inside. That's some sick irony.

I can't stop the tears from running unchecked down my face now.

"Why can't you see that I'm doing this for _you_?" I tell him, quietly. "Why can't you just trust that I have good reason and let it go?"

He grabs the tops of my arms and tries to pull me back into him.

"Listen to me, whatever it is that you can't tell me, it's okay. I can handle it. It won't change anything."

I shake my head. "If you knew you wouldn't feel that way. You wouldn't want me and I wouldn't blame you. I'm not making you give it up."

"Give what up? Bella, please!"

I look up at him and seeing the vulnerability on his face causes me physical pain.

"I'm sorry, Edward. God, I'm so sorry."

I run.

The subway journey is just a blur of tears and the image of Edward's face in my mind. I'm at my apartment before I know it. I manage to get my key in the lock and the relief of finally being alone rushes over me. I collapse against the back of the closed door and sob indulgently.

I think of Jake and home and all the whispered voices.

I think of my father and Emmett and the things that bring me comfort being so far away.

But most of all I think of Edward; Edward's smile, Edward's heart, Edward's kiss; all the parts of Edward that my body won't allow me to have.

When there aren't any more tears left, I drag myself off of the floor and take a deep breath. I know I have done the right thing. That kiss was amazing but kisses aren't enough and I won't be able to bear his disappointment.

I sit on the sofa, hugging my knees, and let the pain of a thousand nights with Jacob wash over me. It destroyed us and I'll die before I allow that to happen to Edward and I.

I'm still in the darkness of Forks, when I hear the soft knock on the door. I know it's him and I wish I had the strength to ignore it but the lure of seeing his face again is too much. I stand up, straighten my dress and run my hands over my ruined face. I open the door.

Edward is in my doorway, dripping wet and with eyes like the night. I glance down at my own soaked dress and realise it must have been raining on the way home. I didn't even notice.

Neither of us says a word as I step back and let him inside. When he does speak it seems so loud in the silent room.

"Years ago my father and I had a fight," he says. "He tried to tell me what I wanted and what was best for me and I disagreed. It's never been the same between us.

"I know you think you know what's best, Bella. I know you think I won't want you when I know the truth. But here is something you might not know about me. I've spent a lot of my life fighting for what I know I want and I'm not about to stop now."

How does this man seem to know the exact thing to say to get me to let him inside?

"What if you end up feeling differently?" I ask in a small voice.

He shrugs, and the entirely normal gesture is comforting.

"I won't. But regardless, shouldn't that be something we worry about then. Shouldn't that be my choice?"

Choice. It's a word I've considered many times over the years. It's a concept that seems to have been taken away from me too often. But Edward's words make sense - and shouldn't I get to choose too? Shouldn't I be able to decide how my mind and body function?

My therapist's words swim back to me; _the control is ultimately yours, Bella._ And this leads to the most dangerous thought of all.

_Maybe it will be different this time._

Hope has done nothing but hurt me in the past but that kiss made me feel hope. It was over-powering and consuming and took over every thought in my head in that moment. Maybe I can do this and maybe I don't have to tell him, won't have to watch him look at me with confusion and disgust and pity, like those faces in Forks.

Edward is still watching me, a slightly anxious expression on his face. I make my decision.

I step over to him and lay a hand on his cheek, it is damp from the rain and slightly roughened by his five o clock shadow.

"You're right," I whisper.

He let's out a breath and puts his arms cautiously around my waist. "So we can talk? You'll tell me what happened and we'll deal with it together?" he asks.

I shake my head slowly and gently run two fingers over his lips.

"I don't want to talk right now. There have been too many words tonight already."

I lean up and whisper in his ear, hoping I can be seductive enough that he won't question me too much. "Kiss me again, Edward. Touch me. _Make it all I can think about_."

"But Bella-"

"Please, Edward." I take a deep, shaky breath. "Stay here with me. I want you. Please..."

I just hope I'm telling the truth.

He searches my expression one last time, I try to look as calm and sure as possible.

"This really isn't fair," he allows himself a small smile of surrender and my heart sings with relief. "Because you know that there is no way I could ever resist you."

His kiss is just as powerful as before and my whole body hums with it. His tongue sweeps my bottom lip and I open my mouth without hesitation. His fingertips run gently up my spine and leave a trail of fire in their wake. My body responds to this man with such ease that the feeling of warm hope floods over me again.

At the edge of my mind a dark fog hovers but I kiss him harder and push it away.

He pulls back for a second, both of us breathless. He studies my hair.

"I've dreamt about this," he murmurs, gently reaching behind my head and pulling out the hairpins one by one. As he watches my hair fall down piece by piece, he let's out a half sigh/half groan that has me reaching for him, bringing his lips back to mine.

"About what?" I finally gasp against his mouth. "About..." I gesture between us. "...me and you?"

"Well yes, of course," he replies. "But specifically I've thought a lot about your hair."

He is back to looking at it, running his fingers through the strands. When his warm fingertips graze my scalp I shiver. He buries his face and finds my throat, planting several soft kisses there.

"It has tormented me," he says. "You have never worn it down, not once. Sometimes at the office all I could think about was how it would look, spilling over your shoulders."

He pulls back and appraises me.

"Perfect," he whispers.

This man's words do something to me. I've hardly been able to think straight since the moment I met him but now that he is in my apartment; his hands in my hair, his mouth searching out mine again, his tongue moving against my own, I know I am lost. Edward is _not_ Jake, and I want to give him everything.

I reach my hands into his hair and he groans. I kiss him more deeply, press my tongue against his. His taste makes me almost faint. When I push my hips into his he loses hold of the control he has been carefully wielding since he arrived.

"_Jesus_," he mutters and suddenly my back is against the hallway wall and he has me pressed tightly against him. He sucks my lower lip between his until I gasp and then he quickly pushes his delicious tongue back inside.

"Bella," he gasps out when he breaks for air, a request, a plea, a promise. I answer with my kiss and my hands on his back, trying to bring him closer.

A part of me, somehow disconnected from the Bella currently being ravished against the wall, is marvelling at how natural this feels, how well suppressed that black fog is in this moment. I allow myself, again, to hope.

"Bedroom, Bella?" Edward is saying. It's practically a growl and before I know what is happening he has lifted my legs and wrapped them around his waist. I can feel...everything.

"Huh?" I appear to have lost the power of intelligent speech.

"Show me your room, Bella," he whispers brokenly. "Before I lose my mind completely and take you here in the hall."

His words both terrify and turn me on. Can I really do this without telling him? Will it definitely be as different as I imagine? It certainly feels different, I have never wanted another man the way I want Edward, but can it work?

I force the questions back down inside, along with my fears, and gesture in the direction of my room. Edward carries me, never once moving his lips away from mine.

Once in my room I assume he will place me on the bed, but it seems Edward Cullen has a penchant for the vertical. He pulls my legs tighter around him and presses us against the closed bedroom door.

Trailing his mouth and tongue down my throat he rocks his pelvis into me and I groan, feeling his arousal very clearly through his thin dress pants.

"Fuck, Bella," he grits out. "Do you have any idea what you are doing to me right now?" He presses firmer still with his hips. "Can you feel what you do to me?"

It's so very obvious how I am affecting him that I can't help the nervous giggle from escaping.

"Yes, Edward." I murmur, rocking into him and trying not to fear the size of the bulge in his pants. "I think it is quite clear..."

I expect him to chuckle too but he goes silent and still and my heart freezes, worried that I have said the wrong thing. He gently lowers my legs to the ground and pulls away slightly to meet my eyes, his practically black with desire and a rawness in his expression that I have not seen before. The atmosphere changes so suddenly, I can almost feel the emotional charge between us.

"What about this?" he whispers, gently taking my wrist in his hand. "Can you feel what you are doing to me here?"

He lays my open palm on his chest, just over his hammering heart. The speed with which it is pounding catches me off guard but I quickly realise my own heartbeat is just as fast.

"It's racing," I whisper.

He nods. "For you," he whispers back, somewhat cautiously.

"Ever since the first moment I saw you," he continues, still not breaking eye contact. He smiles a little ruefully. "It was waiting for you, I think. My heart was searching for you before I even realised I was."

I think of Kate's words from earlier, a few hours and a lifetime ago. _If Edward Cullen offers you his heart, you'd be a fool not to take it._

I know that she is right.

I take his hand in mine and rest it over my own racing heart. This man is not my husband. This man is only just more than a stranger and yet I want more of what I can see in his raw green gaze. I want to tell him everything, and nothing. I want him to discover me, to know me.

To want.

To need.

To _try_.

I don't want any more words. Except one.

"Yours," I say, and I know he knows I mean my heart. "It's already yours, Edward."

I watch him swallow and slowly replace his hand with his mouth, placing a reverent kiss just left of my breastbone. With the lightest of touches he slowly grazes my chest, collarbone, throat and jaw with his lips.

"Bella," he says and I can hear the gentle smile in his voice. His hands grip my waist more tightly. "_My_ Bella."

He takes my hand and gently leads us over to the bed. My heart pounds and I can't tell if excitement or fear is the cause. He stands behind me and sweeps my now-loose hair away from my neck, brushing his lips there.

"So beautiful," he whispers.

I can feel his fingers at the zipper of my dress and the black fog pushes forward.

_No!_

I push it back and will myself to focus on the feeling of his warm fingers as they graze their way down my spine with my zip. He turns me gently to face him and the sweet expression on his face calms me slightly.

_He cares about you, Bella. He's going to be gentle. Just. Keep. Calm._

With the lightest touch he begins to pull down my dress, I notice his fingers trembling slightly and for a crazy moment I am jealous of him, jealous that he can enter into this act with only nerves and anticipation, without gut-wrenching fear.

My dress falls to my ankles and I hear his sharp intake of breath. I find the courage to meet his eyes and they are hooded with lust.

"Jesus, Bella..." He pulls me to him and up onto the bed. In only my underwear I feel vulnerable and the fog pushes harder and harder.

_You're fine, Bella. You just need a distraction. Kiss him again._

I lie on my back and pull his face to mine. His mouth is hot and hard and strong now and his hand finds my bare breast. I can't help the gasp that escapes my mouth.

_That's it. Focus on that, on _him_, on how much you want him_.

Desperate for more of his skin I start to undo his shirt buttons but my hands are shaking too much. Catching on, Edward captures my hand in his and squeezes gently. He begins to undo the buttons himself but catches my eye.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asks quickly, concern mixed in with desire.

_Don't fuck up, Swan._

I force my face to relax.

"More than okay," I smile and he gives me a tentative smile back. I kiss him and with renewed confidence undo all his shirt buttons, pushing it over his shoulders. He leans up to quickly shed it before coming back into me.

The feeling of his bare skin against mine is definitely the distraction I need. He moves his hips against me and I can't help but dig my nails into his bare back.

How can I feel so aroused and so afraid all at once?

He bends his head and moves his mouth over my breast. He hums a groan when he sucks my nipple into his mouth, then flicks it with his tongue. His strokes the other with his hand.

"You have the most incredible breasts, Bella," he murmurs, kissing my neck again. "Everything...everything is incredible. I want you so much, Sweetheart."

The endearment makes the breath catch in my throat and tears sting my eyes.

_Don't break. Keep calm. You're safe._

"I want you too," I choke out. And it's the truth. But it is also the worst possible lie.

He kisses me again a lot more desperately and I'm able to almost lose myself again. His hands find every part of my skin - my breast, my neck, my side, my stomach. He grips my hip and then I feel his fingertips gently graze the material of my underwear.

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck._

I can't breathe and the fog surrounds me on all sides.

_Fight it! Calm the fuck down. It's going to be fine._

More distractions. I reach between us and press my hand against his hardness; he bucks into my touch with a curse. This is familiar and safe. I stroke him for a few moments but then his hand is back between my legs.

"Fuck, I need to touch you too baby..." He says in a strained voice. His fingers graze the outside of my panties and while a part of me is screaming _yes yes yes_ the black fog descending drowns it out.

It is all around me, swirling and circling and choking me. I can't breathe.

_It's dark and I can't breathe..."It hurts, Jake."...sobbing while he shouts...glass everywhere, blood on my skin..."THIS ISN'T FAIR, BELLA, YOU'RE MY WIFE!"...their eyes are burning into me..."NO! Let me go!"...please please please..._

I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe

"...Bella? Can you hear me? Bella! Please, Bella!" I'm disorientated and I'm suddenly aware that I'm sitting up now, my feet are on the ground. My chest is tight and the room is spinning and spinning. I think I will be sick.

"Can you hear me, Bella? Baby, look at me."

The room finally grinds to a halt and Edward's face is in front of me - flushed and anxious.

I try to say his name but it gets caught in my throat.

"It's okay, it's okay, just take a few deep breaths okay?" His voice is coaxing and a little hysterical. "Breathe in and out when I do, all right?"

His hands are on my shoulders and I watch his eyes as we breathe together. My heart slows down a little, air finally fills my lungs.

"Are you okay?" he asks, after a minute or two.

"Yes." I manage but my throat feels a little raw.

He pulls me into his arms and holds me so tight. "Thank God, thank God. Fucking hell, what the hell happened just then? You scared a shit out of me..."

"I...I don't know."

He pulls back to look at me, strokes my hair away from my eyes. "You don't know? Bella, you...I don't know...had a panic attack or something! One minute you were fine and the next you were shouting and thrashing and saying you couldn't breathe and - Jesus, I was terrified."

I'm shaking and he grabs the blanket from the end of the bed to wrap around me.

Even the brave version of Bella inside me is resigned now. _You can't do this. You need to tell him._

I focus on the threads of the blanket in my lap; I lean into the warmth of his body beside me, his arm around my shoulders.

_Say it, out loud._

"I can't have sex with you, Edward," I finally admit in a small voice.

Edward almost snorts. "Well, shit, Bella I got that!"

He pulls me a little closer. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to do, you hear me? Do you understand? We can take this as slow as you want. I just want to talk, I just need you to tell me what's going on."

I shake my head sadly. "No, that's not what I meant. You don't understand."

He pulls me around a little to face him and captures my face in his gentle grasp. "So make me. _Please_."

There is nowhere left to run.

"I'm not saying I don't _want_ to sleep with you, or that I _won't_. I'm saying I actually..._can't_."

I take a deep breath and hold his eyes with mine.

"I can't have sex, Edward."

**A/N**

**...**

***peeks out***

**So there you go, a little of Bella's secret is revealed. I hope you're still with me and would LOVE to hear your thoughts (correction I NEED to hear them lol!).**

**Thanks as always. A x**

**Oh and PS - the summary for this story says "lemons" and, fear not, they WILL happen, in spite of what you see here... ;-)**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N**

**Thank you so much for the awesome response last chapter, guys. I'm very glad you are sticking with me and really hope you will continue to. I know a few of you were a little "WTF, Amber?" (quite understandably!) and I hope this next chapter will make things a little clearer :-)**

**Thanks as always to my wonderful beta, Trip (aka FFFan1664). I don't mind admitting that this chapter was heading somewhere a little wacky before she talked me down from the ledge and worked her magic. **

**A couple of things. Firstly, the Forks in this story is entirely fictional and not based on canon or the real town. I'm certainly not suggesting any town in Washington, or indeed anywhere outside of my imagination, is anything like this.**

**Second, a WARNING - this chapter contains a brief reference to sexual assault. It is neither lengthy nor graphic but it is there so please proceed with caution.**

**Anyway, I'm sure none of you are reading any of this as you are going straight for Bella's reveal. Aren't you? Eh? Go on, admit it...**

**EPOV**

"I can't have sex, Edward."

My heart pounds. The rain slams against the windows.

There is silence while my mind reels, while a thousand possibilities run rapidly through it.

Does she mean she's a virgin? But she's 27 and she was married and that...makes no sense.

Does she mean she can't for moral reasons? Maybe she' s religious or something. Although her faith is not something she has ever mentioned before so that seems unlikely.

Does she mean she can't because of something her husband did? If that bastard has hurt her I'll -

Wait. Not _won't._ Not _doesn't want_ to. She _can't_ have sex. Does she mean physically can't? Is that possible? Could nature be that cruel? She is beautiful and sexy and perfect.

And mine.

"Edward?" Her tear-stained face is so innocent and heartbreakingly sad. All I can think about is protecting her. Holding her.

I tighten my arm around her shoulders. "I...what do you mean? I'm not sure I understand."

She nods, sighs, her eyes down. Her voice is quiet, beautiful and somehow connected to my heart by an unbreakable thread.

She says, "I have a psychological condition called vaginismus. It means I suffer involuntary muscle spasms that make sex painful, difficult and sometimes impossible."

She speaks as if she is quoting a medical journal, one that she has quoted many times before. All I hear are the highlights. _Painful. Difficult. Impossible?_

My chest aches and I don't know if it's for Bella or myself. This girl is everything I want and but what kind of relationship could we ever have without sex?

Wait. Involuntary? So she doesn't control it?

Psychological. Her mind controls it without her conscious permission.

The word frigid materialises in my mind, and it feels dark and disgusting. I know instantly that it's not like that; she wanted me. She held me and touched me and kissed me and I know she wasn't faking that. It must be something she can't control.

The magnitude of this hits me in the gut. She has spent presumably years wanting to have sex and not being capable? Living in pain and frustration. My heart breaks open and it's definitely for her.

She is watching me with cautious eyes waiting for my reaction. The problem is I have no idea how to react or how I feel. I want this girl more than I've ever wanted anyone. She has consumed every part of me and now everything is different.

Except...nothing is. She's still Bella; she's still beautiful and wonderful.

She's still everything I want.

And she wants me, right? That's what has led us here. It's what brought me here to her flat, the belief that she was only pushing me away because she was afraid of feeling something, just as I was. She told me her heart belonged to me and I was happy, happier than I've been in years.

Then I got to touch her and taste her and everything was...more. More than I imagined, more than ever before, more than I thought possible. She wanted me and I finally got to put my hands and mouth on her and..._fuck_.

She wasn't going to tell me. She knew how it would likely end and she was just going to _let_ me do it. Even knowing it would cause her pain, knowing that my touch would hurt her.

_Painful. Difficult. Impossible._ I imagine her perfect face contorted in agony beneath me and I feel sick.

"You weren't going to tell me."

It's not a question but she shakes her head anyway.

"You were just going to let me touch you and try to...even though you knew it would hurt?"

I admit I'm a little pissed off. The thought of causing her any kind of pain is unbearable.

She seems so calm now, too calm; like she is numb to all this. Or she is making herself numb.

"I know," she says. "I'm sorry, Edward."

I take a deep breath to calm myself. "Why, Bella? Why not just tell me?"

I wish she would look at me. "I...I hoped it wouldn't matter. I hoped it would be different. I've never felt like this before, never wanted someone this much. I thought that would help to fix it. I was wrong."

My heart pounds at her declaration. Even during the midst of her anguish, I can't help but be reassured that she feels something for me too.

I pull her close and wrap both arms around her, kissing the top of her head.

"You still should have told me, then maybe you wouldn't have had that...attack."

I feel her nod against my chest. "I was afraid too though. I still am. I knew that if I told you the truth you wouldn't want me any more. Why would you want a woman you couldn't have sex with? And that hasn't changed."

She pulls out of my grasp and puts some space between us on the bed.

"You can still go. You can leave now, Edward. You don't have to sit here with me because you feel guilty or sorry for me. I'm fine. I can get on with my life and you can get on with yours and we can forget this ever happened."

_Not a chance, Sweetheart._

I move back towards her and gently lift her chin to look at me.

"Do you see me running away, baby?" I ask her softly. I love calling her that and I love the light that hearing it brings to her previously numb eyes.

"No, I guess not."

_Why _aren't_ you running, Cullen? This isn't you. Usually if a woman has a needy cat or a slight daddy complex it is too much baggage for you._ But I realise I have nowhere to go. For the first time since...since Tanya I want to stand still in one place, and that place is with Bella.

"Well then," I say, lightly. "Why don't you get dressed, because you're still shaking a little, and I'll go put the kettle on. Then you can tell me everything. Sound good?"

She nods and gives me a small smile. My heart flips and I internally roll my eyes at myself.

I lean down and give her a soft kiss on the lips before standing up to let her dress.

"Everything is better after a cup of tea anyway." I say, partly joking and she giggles and it's the most wonderful sound in my world.

"You and your damn tea, Edward Cullen," she laughs.

_Painful. Difficult. Impossible._ Funny then, how being with Bella feels so easy.

* * *

><p>Bella's flat is half the size of mine but twice as homely. She has a tiny kitchen, just off of the cosy lounge. There is a two-seater settee, a small table and a bookcase in the corner. There are still several boxes yet to be unpacked but I love that the bookcase is full and the sofa has a throw and cushions. It's as if she has taken care of the things that matter to her.<p>

I re-button my shirt and make myself at home in her kitchen, filling the kettle and grabbing two mugs from the cupboard. I can't remember the last time I was in a woman's house and wasn't looking for the quickest escape route, but this is definitely not a home I want to escape from. Being among Bella's things makes me warm and happy, despite the conversation we're about to have.

_You're such a soppy git._

"Hi," she says shyly, appearing in the doorway. She has changed into grey jogging bottoms, a pink vest top and a black cardigan. She has washed her face and brushed her gorgeous hair. When I saw her in that dress earlier tonight I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen but I realise now that Bella is even more stunning like this. I try not to notice that she isn't wearing a bra.

_Definitely not the time, Cullen, given the situation._

"Hi," I reply and hand her a cup of tea. When she steps nearer to me I can't resist touching her, I feel like I want to be connected to her in some way.

"You feeling okay?" I ask, slipping my arm around her shoulders and running a strand of her hair through my fingers. It's even softer than I've been imagining.

She nods. "Yes much. I'm sorry for scaring you."

I pull her into me for a cuddle and rest my head on top of hers. Ever since watching her cry and hyperventilate on the edge of her bed it's as if I am frightened to let her go.

I breathe in her hair, god she really does smell good.

She sniggers and says, "Edward, I think you may have quite an unhealthy hair obsession you know?"

I laugh and release her so I can look at her. "Only yours," I say.

She blushes and I touch my fingers to her cheek. After watching her and wanting her for so long I don't think I'll ever get tired of being able to touch her.

"So, shall we talk?" I ask softly, gesturing towards the lounge.

She swallows nervously and nods and I resist pulling her back into my arms.

We go through and sit down. I know this is going to be difficult so I try to keep my distance a little more, sitting on the opposite end of the sofa. She doesn't need me pawing all over her right now.

"I don't know where to start really," she says. "I mean it's such a humiliating thing to discuss."

"Hey, don't be silly. It's just me, right? And if anyone should be embarrassed right now it's the bloke who confessed his feelings for you in a hysterical meltdown and then followed you home in the pissing rain."

She smiles gently.

"Listen, how about you just start with Jacob?"

She nods, clasps her hands in front of her.

"Jake's had a pretty difficult life," she begins. "When he was 11 years old his mother drove them home from a party, drunk. There was an accident and she and Jake's older sister, Rachel, were killed, Billy, his dad, ended up in a wheelchair. Jake didn't have a scratch on him and seems to be harbouring a lot of guilt about that."

A normal reaction would be to feel desperately sorry for the guy, but my anticipation of what happened between him and Bella makes it difficult for me to feel anything for him at all.

"Anyway, he had to grow up pretty fast to take care of Billy. My father and Billy were best friends so we tried to help where we could but Jake bore the brunt. He was always pretty angry, I guess.

As I said, he and I had been friends for a long time and it was just always assumed we would be together. Forks is small and you might call it a little backward. There's little opportunity, but I wasn't planning on leaving. Jake had a job at the local garage, and had good prospects, I was just finishing high school and didn't exactly have big plans so figured marrying the local mechanic and having some babies wasn't a bad life."

I watch her flinch at the word babies.

"My dad couldn't be happier, Jake was already like a son to him so we planned a small wedding."

She hesitates. "Forks is a religious town. Dad and I went to church every Sunday and I wanted to wait till our wedding night to have sex. I think I regret that more than anything else."

She squeezes her hands together in her lap until her knuckles are white. I place my hand on top of hers and she relaxes a little.

"We got married when we were both 21. Jake got pretty drunk at the reception. Looking back I have to admit he had been following in his mother's footsteps for a couple of years but I just pretended everything was fine. Things were hard sometimes for him, what was the harm in a few drinks right?"

I don't say anything, dreading where this is going.

"Anyway, our wedding night didn't exactly go...as planned. I was a virgin so I knew things would be uncomfortable and Jake was kind of rough. He managed to get inside me but things didn't feel right at all and I was in agony the entire time. Thankfully, Jake was a virgin too and it was over very quickly."

I notice tears running silently down her cheeks. I want to say something, anything, to comfort her but what can I say? I know she needs to tell this. I take one of hands and hold it tight. She wipes her eyes with the other.

"Anyway, I thought it was just because it was my first time, you know? Everyone says that hurts so I thought it was normal. The next time we tried Jake was stone cold sober."

She pauses and looks at me.

"I need to explain, Edward, he isn't a bad person. He has a good heart and was a good friend for the most part. He would never hurt me when sober, but when he drinks he transforms into someone else.

We tried again and if anything things were worse. He was a lot more attentive this time, a lot more gentle. His touch even felt good for a while."

I wonder what she means by that. Did he make her come or didn't he? Sounds like maybe not.

"I was a lot more relaxed but when he put more than a finger inside everything was so tight and it hurt like hell when he tried two. He didn't force me like before because, well as I said, he didn't want to hurt me. We didn't know what was wrong or what to do. Neither of us had a mother to ask and there was no way I was speaking to my father. There is one doctor for the whole area and I know there are confidentiality rules but if you knew the place I came from you would know there is no way it wouldn't get out. Once one person knows a secret in Forks it spreads around like wildfire.

So we persevered but things didn't change. We were frustrated and upset and when he was drunk, Jake would lay into me about it. We found other ways of having a sexual relationship. 'Everything but' would be the best description I suppose."

I'm not sure if I feel relieved that at least Bella can enjoy those things or slightly sick at the thought her doing them with Jake. _He was her husband, you possessive idiot._

"I knew Jake wasn't satisfied though. And who could blame him? His wife couldn't give him the one basic thing that all human beings are supposed to be able to do! His wife was a freak and we were broken and there was nobody we could talk to about it."

Tears are running down her face unchecked now, I forget my self-imposed rule and pull her into my lap, holding her tightly.

"To make matters worse, the whole town were gossiping about why we hadn't had a baby yet. There were whispers that I was barren."

"They still say "barren"?" I interrupt, unthinking. Where was this bloody place? 1901?

"I told you it was a lot different from here. Anyway, time went by and before I knew it had been years and things were still the same. Sometimes it would be better than others, we would actually have sex but after a few minutes I would always need to stop because it was so painful. When he was drunk it was worse, of course. He would lash out - tell me I wasn't a real wife, wasn't a real woman. He would tell me it wasn't fair and that I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain."

"He sounds lovely," I comment.

She turns to look at me again. "Think about it, Edward. I had deprived him of a basic human right for four years! He deserved to be angry."

I consider this carefully. Although Bella's situation is starting to panic me a little I still can't imagine hurting her that way.

"I think you deserved to be treated better. But carry on." I say.

"Things came to a head one night. It was me shouting this time. I was so frustrated, I felt so horrible and useless and hopeless. I, um, smashed a mirror with my fist. I hated myself."

I hold her even tighter to me and try to ignore the ache in my chest.

"We decided to go out of town to see a therapist. We found one but could only afford a few sessions. I thought it would fix everything. We put so much hope into it and I think that was the problem. Our expectations were too high. It didn't work."

She looks so broken all I can think about is ways of putting her back together.

"It wasn't the therapist's fault. It was mine and Jake's. For Psychosexual Therapy to work the couple has to be strong and trusting. Jake and I were already damaged by then I think; I couldn't trust him and he acted like he hated me at times. I know he loved me deep down but by the end all he seemed to feel was resentment and I don't blame him at all."

How can she take all this responsibility on herself? If it weren't for that first night maybe she wouldn't even have this condition. But I don't say anything for now, I let her tell her story.

She takes a shaky breath and I sense the worst part is to come.

"After our last therapy session we came home to Forks and Jake went on a bender. It was the worst I've ever seen. The bar owner called me to come and get him as he was causing a disturbance. When I got there he was in such a state. He tried to push me away, shouted at me and called me names. All I wanted to do was get him out of there, I was afraid he would hurt someone.

He said...stuff."

Her eyes close for a second and I stroke her hair soothingly. "What stuff, Bella?" I ask softly.

"He told them all," she whispers. "The place was packed to the rafters, and he announced that I was frigid, that I was a freak. He said it was a good job he had married me and saved another guy the trouble. He said we hadn't had sex the whole time we'd been together and that it was probably because...because...no baby deserved a mother who was as fucked up as me."

_Jesus._

She is shaking and crying and her eyes have this glazed over look as if she is still there in that town. I hold her tighter and rock her gently, even though my body is trembling with anger.

"Shhh, baby, it's okay. It's all right. You're away from there now. It's over."

I kiss the top of her head and cuddle her close and try to think of anything that I can say to take away her hurt. But what can I do? Besides making sure that bastard never has the opportunity to hurt her again.

Eventually she calms a little and I ask, "So that's why you came here?"

She shakes her head. "Not exactly. I went to stay at my dad's, I knew there was no way I could stand to be around Jake after he had outed us like that. But after only a week I knew I needed to leave Forks."

I'm a little incredulous. "Did nobody speak to you? Offer to help? Give you a shoulder to cry on or anything?"

She shakes her head again, a sarcastic smile at the edge of her lips. "No. Quite the opposite, everyone avoided me. I don't think anyone knew what to say. Plus, Jake had been a drunken shit to me but to most of them he could do no wrong. They'd forgive his occasional benders because he was Jacob Black, the golden boy of their community. They saw it as my fault. That I was the reason our marriage broke up and that I'd left him all alone."

I'm so baffled by all this. "This town sounds so strange..."

She nods sadly. "It kind of is compared to here, but it was all I knew then."

"So what happened next?"

"After a week of staring and whispering I packed up and headed to Seattle. I have a friend there who had left Forks the year before and he helped me find an apartment and got me the interview at Volturi."

"Six months later I got the call that Charlie had had died from a heart attack. Without him all I wanted to do was run further away. So I did."

I look down at her and study her face carefully, instinctively suspicious.

"Bella, why do I feel like there is something else? Something you're leaving out."

A shadow crosses her lovely features and I know I am right.

"What else happened when you left Forks?" I ask gently.

She doesn't look at me. "It's not important, Edward. And you'll just get...upset."

What the fuck?

I can feel my whole body stiffen up. "Tell me. What else happened?"

She draws a shaky breath, studies her clasped hands. I have to lean down to hear her as she speaks so quietly.

"About a fortnight after I arrived in Seattle, Jake knocked at the door. He must have begged my dad for the address."

I swallow hard and clench my fists. "And?"

"He was angry and drunk and tried to make me come home. I said no and we argued and he...he..."

Every muscle in my body feels taut and ready to spring.

"Did he hit you?" I grit out, perversely hoping she'll say yes because the alternative is causing the taste of bile in my mouth.

She shakes her head, trembling slightly.

I carefully move away to sit on the edge of the sofa because I'm worried if I hold her right now I'll crush her.

Finally, I whisper. "He forced himself on you."

"He tried," she nods. "Thankfully Emmett came home and interrupted. He pulled Jake off me and tried to call the cops. But I stopped him."

"You stopped him?" I ask quietly, incredulous. "For God's sake, Bella, why didn't you report him?"

I can't really see straight and feel like I'm either going to throw up or break something in the next 30 seconds.

"And say what?" She cries out. "That my own husband tried to rape me?"

"YES!" I shout and she cowers back a little. I cringe at her reaction and force myself to calm down. I try to keep my tone measured. "Yes, Bella, that is exactly what you say."

I'm seething inside and I can barely get in control of myself. The possessive side of me, that only Bella seems to be able to provoke, is taking over my mind and logic is flying out of the window.

"There was no point," she is saying. "No one would believe me, he could always sweet talk his way out of anything. Plus I know it was...an accident really. I mean, it's not the real him when he's drunk. He doesn't know what he's doing. He has been through so much-"

I interrupt, furious. "I don't give a fuck how many of his family are dead that doesn't give him the right to ATTACK his own WIFE!"

I'm raging and I briefly wonder if I've lost my mind a little. All I can see is Bella, my Bella, cowering on the floor while this...this...fucking monster tries to...tries to...

My mind is racing with the idea of simply getting on a flight right now, finding this _backward-as-fuck_ town and smashing his face into whichever bar he happens to be wallowing in. All I can think about is hurting him, killing him. She is so gorgeous and precious and he violated all of that, many times and I want to smash the shit out of him until he begs me to stop...

I pace the room and clench my fists. I know I need to calm down. I know she doesn't need another violent fucker right now.

She looks up at me from the sofa, her hands clasped tightly in her lap. "Edward, please calm down," she whispers. "It's okay."

It most definitely is not okay but she doesn't need a raging maniac and I have to be what she needs. I sit back down beside her and take her hand. I take a deep breath and focus on her soft touch, the calming brown of her eyes.

"It doesn't matter, okay?" She soothes. "He didn't do it. I'm fine. It's over."

"But it isn't over, is it?" I remember. "He's still calling you."

She moves one hand to stroke my face. "But that doesn't mean anything. He is there and I am here and he can't get to me."

Calmer, I pull her into my arms. I breathe in a steady breath of her scent and she strokes her hand gently over my back.

"No he can't," I say. "Because I am never, ever going to let anyone hurt you again, okay? And Bella, I swear if he ever shows up here I won't be held accountable for my actions."

"Okay," she says. "Okay. But he won't."

I take a few more deep breaths and try to slow my heart down. I slowly unclench my fists. She's right. It _is_ over. Bella is safe and now I can make sure it stays that way.

"I'm sorry," I eventually whisper. "I'm sure the last thing you need is more violence from a man."

She pulls back and looks up at me. She smiles a little even though her eyes are still red.

"It's okay, don't worry about it," she says. "I just can't believe you're even still here."

I graze the back of my knuckles along her cheek. "Where else am I going to be?"

She shrugs. "This is a lot to take in. I'm kind of, well, I'm fucked up." She grimaces.

I shake my head and bring my face close to hers. "No," I whisper, close to her lips. "You're beautiful and strong and amazing. And I'm exactly where I want to be."

I kiss her gently, still marvelling at how incredible her lips feel moulded to mine.

Eventually I pull back with a sigh. "We still have tons to talk about but it's..." I glance at my watch. "Shit, 3am. You need to get some sleep now."

Her eyes are red with dark circles underneath and I imagine mine don't look much better. The party feels like a week ago rather than a few hours.

I reluctantly release her and go to fetch my jacket. I don't want to leave but I think staying will just make things more difficult. She has trusted me with so much tonight, I don't want to push my luck.

I can feel Bella's eyes on me.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"I understand if you want to get the hell out of here, you know after everything that you know now and stuff, but I just wanted to say...you don't have to. I mean, it's fine if you still want to stay. To sleep I mean. But obviously if you don't want to that's fine too I just wanted to be clear and -"

I walk over and cut off her rambling with a brief kiss.

"I'd love to stay," I tell her. "If that's what you want."

She nods and smiles and I can already see her eye lids getting heavier.

"Come on," I dump our cups in the sink and lead her to the bedroom. She starts to climb under the covers and at once I feel a little awkward. She asked me to stay but does she mean here, in her bed, or on the couch or what?

I shift my weight anxiously from foot to foot. She looks at me and smiles.

"I'd like you to stay in here, Edward, if that's okay?"

_Thank god._

"That's more than okay."

I look down at my clothes. "Um, so would it be alright if I remove my trousers? It's just, it's a rented tux." I laugh nervously and drag a hand through my utterly dishevelled hair.

"Of course, just be comfortable," she says and I doubt whether comfort is exactly the right word for how I will feel in bed next to her.

I slip off my trousers and my dress shirt and slip into bed beside her in my boxers. She turns off the light and then rolls onto her side to face me. My hands instinctively find her waist in the dark and she shifts nearer to me. I find her mouth and kiss her gently, careful not to let things get too heated.

When we break away I say, "Listen, we'll work this out together okay? I'm...I care about you. There is no way I'm going to want out because of a situation that can likely be fixed anyway. Right?"

I watch her eyes flash with sadness in the dim light and I know she's worrying that things can't be fixed. But then she brushes her mouth against mine again and says, "Thank you...for listening. I care about you too. More than you know."

My chest tightens and I hug her closer.

"So just go to sleep now and we'll talk more tomorrow."

She nods and turns onto her other side, but keeps near to me. I curl myself around her and hold her close. I can't remember the last time I spooned with a woman but doing so with Bella just feels like relief.

After a few minutes I hear her breathing get regular with sleep but I'm wide awake. With Bella now safe and sleeping in my arms there is nothing to distract my mind from everything she has told me. She has opened up feelings in me that I had forgotten existed and I know I don't want to lose her but I can't help worrying about what she has told me, how serious this is, how...permanent.

What if her fears are warranted? What if her condition can't be "fixed"? The idea of living without ever being inside her fills my mind with dread but the idea of living without her at all is worse.

I try to shake the dark thoughts away. She can't be the only person in the world suffering from this, and other people must have been cured so Bella can be too. And I don't even know yet how bad things are - between her tears and my outrage we haven't had time to discuss the, well, ins and outs of it yet.

_But what if it really isn't fixable, Cullen? Do you really want to get into all that? Do you really think you are the best man to handle this? You haven't had a relationship that was based on anything _besides_ sex for fucking years so what makes you think you'll make this work?_

I force the doubts from my head and squeeze my eyes closed. It will all be just fine. It has to be.

"Edward?" Bella's drowsy voice makes me jump. I guess she wasn't sleeping after all.

"Yeah?" I whisper.

"Thank you for staying, thank you for not...running away."

I feel a sudden sting in my eyes and for a horrible moment I wonder if I might embarrass myself by shedding some tears of my own. Instead I pull her tighter to my chest and bury my face in her hair, planting a soft kiss on her neck.

"I finally have you in my arms, Bella Swan, there is no way I'm letting you go now."

And despite the dozens of thoughts spinning in my mind, I know I mean every word.

**A/N**

**Despite its ridiculous-sounding name, vaginismus is a completely real condition - feel free to Google it for more information. Or if anything above doesn't make sense, just ask me.**

**As always, your feedback is my drug of choice. I'd be particularly keen to hear your thoughts on Jacob. He was already Washington's Most Wanted at the end of the last chapter so I'm very curious to hear what you think of him now you know everything. Any sympathy, based on his childhood, or still completely inexcusable and needs his head bashing into a bar by Eddie?**

**Lastly, just to let you know, I am donating an outtake to the Fandom4Heros compilation. It's an EPOV version of Chapter 10 and if you are interested you should definitely take a look at their blog below for details and info of the other authors who are donating. It's a really terrific cause. **

**fandom4heroes . blogspot . com**

**Thanks, as always. A x**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N**

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Britward and a battered _London A-Z_ that I can never make sense of.**

**Huge thanks to everyone who read and reviewed last time (I'm touched by how many of you started researching Bella's condition, bless you), and heartfelt thanks as always to Trip for beta'ing (although I was fiddling with this one right up to the last second so I'm afraid any errors are mine alone!).**

**Special thanks this week also to Credorosa for rec'ing The Search in the Promising New Fics section of her blog! So exciting :-) You can catch more of Credorosa's reviews, recs and awesome musings below:**

**fandomfanatic . blogspot . com**

**BPOV**

_Jake has been in the bathroom for a really long time, for a moment I wonder if he has fallen asleep. He was pretty wasted earlier. During the speeches his champagne kept spilling over his glass when he spoke._

_I finally hear the flush and I quickly rearrange my white chiffon babydoll and try to get more comfortable on the bed. The sheets feel rough and itch my skin. My stomach turns over with nerves._

_When he appears he is wearing only his underwear and his black hair is a little dishevelled. His glazed expression finds me and he grins._

_"Bells, you look fucking hot," he slurs._

_"Um, thanks," I reply, watching him stumble to the bed. I hope we are able to do this with Jake this drunk._

_He leaps on top of me and when he pushes his tongue into my mouth I can taste whiskey. His large hand finds my breast and squeezes a little too hard. I yelp but he doesn't seem to notice, or if he does he ignores me. The fingers of his other hand dig into my hip and he pulls my pelvis towards him while he presses down. I can feel him hard against me so I guess I don't have to worry about that._

_He drags his lips and tongue down my neck and breathes heavily in my ear. His hand pushes open my thighs and reaches between my legs, his fingers stumble a little over my flesh before he pushes one inside._

_"Ah!" I'm not ready and it hurts, and I instinctively pull my legs together. I worry that Jake will be angry but he just ignores me and pushes my legs wide again._

_"Jake," I whisper and my voice is shaking a little. "Can we maybe slow down? We have all night, let's just take things slowly yeah?"_

_He brings his almost black eyes up to meet mine._

_"Slowly?" he asks, eyes wide. "We've waited for _years_, Bells. Don't you think that's fucking slow enough?"_

_"Well yeah I guess. I just meant-"_

_His hand grabs at my chin, forcing me to look at him._

_"Listen, you are my _wife_. We got _married_ today. And I want to be with my wife, properly. You know how much I want you, right?"_

_I do. He has always made it very clear._

_I nod._

_"And you want me too, don't you Honey?"_

_"Of course, Jake."_

_"Well then, please just relax, okay?"_

_I nod again and take a deep breath. He is right. He's always right._

_When he kisses me again it's different, softer and gentler. Which is strange because Jake is never that gentle. He smells different too, the whiskey is gone and is replaces with...pine and -_

_I gasp and look up. The eyes staring back at me aren't black but emerald green..._

* * *

><p>When I jolt awake it takes me a moment to work out where I am. It's stuffy and warm and definitely not Washington.<p>

_It's okay. You're in London; you're home._

I take a deep breath and try to shake the dream away and get my bearings. Last night was the party, Edward was...I told him everything and...

My breath catches and I quickly turn around and he's there.

Edward Cullen is in my bed.

A very sleeping, very gorgeous, very topless Edward Cullen.

_You told him everything and he's here. He kissed you and you ran and he followed and you tried to have sex with him and you panicked and...you told him everything and he's still here._

My heart is racing and as gently as I can I lay down next to him and prop my head on my hand to watch. I'm not ready for him to wake up yet. I'm not ready to face the day.

But God, he's beautiful; lying on his front with the sheet pulled down to the top of his boxers. My hand is itching to trace over the stunning expanse of muscle and smooth skin that is his back. His arms are folded above his head and his crazy hair is poking out in every direction. His face is turned towards me and the sight of his full lips reminds me of his kiss last night. Kisses that felt like nothing else I'd ever experienced. His mouth searching mine, the taste of his tongue, his hands - Jesus, _his hands_ -

"Do I have something on my face?" He suddenly mumbles, eyes still closed.

"Shit!" I leap about a foot in the air and his throaty chuckle fills the room. He opens his eyes and stares at me, laughing.

"You're awake then?"

"Yep," he grins. "I tend to wake up when someone's eyes are burning a hole my face!"

I blush and he takes my hand to pull me back down beside him. I lie back willingly, facing him.

"I bet you're pretty used to waking up to women staring at you, huh?"

He shrugs, smirks. "Not really, I'm usually half way out the window," he teases.

I roll my eyes but then ask softly. "But not today?"

His smirk disappears and he pulls me closer.

"Nope, definitely not today."

He leans his head towards mine and kisses my lips softly, twice.

"Hi," he whispers.

"Hi," I reply, feeling oddly shy.

He stares at me for a moment, then reaches out to wind a piece of my hair between his fingers. What is up with this guy and my hair? But I'm smiling because I told Edward Cullen everything and he's here. And now he's awake too.

He puts his arm around my waist and shifts me a little closer to him. He grazes my neck with his mouth.

"So I was thinking," he mumbles against my skin.

"Hmmm..." _God, that feels nice._

"After everything you told me last night," he gently sucks my collarbone. "We need to take things very," kiss, "very," kiss, "slow, right?"

I nod.

He takes my earlobe gently between his teeth, how can I have never realised how erotic that is?

He continues with his mouth and his words. "So I propose we strip things" kiss, "right back" nibble, "to basics."

His mouth finds mine and he kisses me more deeply. He makes me not care about morning breath. His hands are warm on my back and he pulls me to him. Kisses my cheek, my throat, my other earlobe.

"What do you think about that, Bella?" he murmurs.

I really have no idea what he means but as long as he keeps touching me I couldn't care less.

"I think I'd like that." I manage to say.

He pulls his head back.

"That's what I figured," he smiles. "So how about we start with..." He rakes his eyes down my body in a very purposeful way. "...a first date?"

His green eyes are laughing and I can't help laughing back.

"That actually sounds kind of perfect." I grin and we just stare at each other for a moment.

He stands. "I'm going to go home, shower, change and make some arrangements and I'll be back to pick you up around midday, yeah?"

"Sounds good." I wonder how I got so lucky.

I walk him outside and he lingers on the doorstep to give me a soft, teasing kiss. He wraps one arm around my waist and pulls me close to speak softly in my ear.

"Everything will be fine, Sweetheart. I promise."

My heart feels lighter than it has in months and as I watch him walk up the street I notice that something out here seems different today.

Then it hits me. For the very first time since I arrived in England, the City of London is filled with sunshine.

* * *

><p>When, upon arriving back at my apartment, Edward promised me a "Mega Date" I wasn't entirely sure what he meant, but he has definitely delivered. He has shown me some of the major sites: the Tower of London, the Dungeons, the street performers in Covent Garden. We walked along Oxford St and laid stretched out in Hyde Park. I don't think I've ever had such a full day.<p>

The weather has been incredible. After so much cloud and drizzle, the heat and sun seems to bring the city alive. And the people - well, they love it. It's as if they have never seen sun before! Earlier, when we were in Trafalgar Square, I thought I was seeing things when a group of over-heated Londoners took off their shoes, rolled up their pants and paddled in the fountain! Edward just laughed like it was normal.

After a dinner, we are now back at The Embankment, having a drink outside. The sun is getting lower in the sky and the temperature is cooling and yet a lot of the men are still walking around shirtless.

"So, Brits are kind of insane in the heat, huh?" I say to Edward, watching his profile, the edge of his hair taking on a golden hue in the low sunlight.

"Oi Bellamerica, that's my countrymen, you know!" He pretends to look offended.

"Edward, they got in a fountain."

He snorts. "Yeah that was pretty mental."

He throws his arm casually around me and I snuggle a little closer. He kisses the top of my head. All day he has been affectionate with me and my heart is practically flying with the knowledge that I haven't scared him away with the truth. But every kiss has been chaste and every touch casual, I think he is afraid to break me after everything that took place last night.

"What's it like at home when it's warm?" I ask, eager to hear more about the town Edward is from.

He smiles slightly. "It is a little crazy there too. When the weather is nice the seafront is absolutely packed; lots of families, hordes of people walking their dogs, cyclists, you name it. Some folk even brave the beach!" This makes him laugh and I can't work out why.

"The pier gets pretty busy too, and Adventure Island, the little theme park; especially during school holidays. The traffic and parking is impossible but...I guess it's kinda awesome."

It sounds pretty wonderful to me. Being next to the sea must be so freeing.

"It sounds great."

Edward shrugs. "Yeah I guess. I mean, it's really tacky. A lot of the town centre is very run down. But occasionally, when the weather is warm and the breeze not too strong, and the light is getting low like right now, it can be sort of beautiful."

"Maybe we can go there one weekend?" I curse myself the second the words leave my mouth. _Good one, Swan! It's your first date, you've no idea if things can even work between you because of your problem and you're already asking to visit his home town! Where is damn family live!_

As I feared, his jaw tightens and he looks a little uneasy. "Um, sure maybe. I mean, I don't go back there that often myself so..."

"Of course, sorry. I was totally jumping the gun."

"It's just my father and I," he says. "Like I told you last night, we don't get on that well these days."

"Yeah of course, I understand."

I'm about to ask more about his father when he suddenly leaps up and grabs my hand to pull me up with him.

"Come on, it's time."

"Time for what?"

"For the final part of the date." He grins nervously at me.

We walk along for a few minutes until we stop at the foot the London Eye. I watch him glance up and swallow quickly.

"Edward, we can't. What about your vertigo?"

"I'm over it," he says through slightly gritted teeth.

"Is that so?" I raise an eyebrow. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable. It is pretty high..."

He puts his hands on my shoulders and faces me. "Okay, first of all, please don't be saying stuff like that because it doesn't help me. Secondly, it's the most efficient way of seeing London and I want to show you my city. Lastly, I already have the tickets so...come on."

Eyes fixed carefully straight ahead, Edward leads us to the next open pod. He hands our tickets to the attendant and steps inside, helping me up the step after him. He smiles tightly at me.

I jump when they close the glass door behind us.

"What about the other people?" I ask, each pod look like it could hold about 20.

Edward sits on the bench in the middle of the pod and pulls me down beside him.

"There aren't any other people," he tells me. "I hired it out just for us."

"Wow, Edward, that's so generous." I breathe.

He shrugs, blushes a little. "Maybe I just wanted you all to myself," he says.

He brushes a piece of hair from my face and kisses me softly. When I attempt to deepen the kiss though he pulls back.

"So this looks safe, right?" he says, getting up and wandering around to inspect every corner of the glass structure. I stifle a giggle at the poorly-concealed panic etched into his face while he attempts to appear casual.

"Edward, why don't you come back here to the middle till we get up a little way?"

He does this and we sit together, my hand in his. His grip is a little tighter than is necessary and I gently stroke my thumb along his skin to try to relax him. We slowly climb for a few minutes and Edward mainly fixes his eyes on the floor, which is the only part not made from glass.

Eventually I'm curious to look out so I stand and go to walk to the edge. "Coming?" I smile at him gently.

"Yup," he says, taking hesitant steps to the edge of the pod. When he is almost there he reaches out his hand for the mental railing and kind of tugs himself closer, jaw tight. It's as if the several inches of glass preventing us from falling out aren't even there. He grips the rail with both hands and his knuckles are almost white.

"I can feel you smirking from here, Swan," he growls with half closed eyes and I can't help laughing.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I say between giggles. "It's just so _cute_, you being afraid."

He finally looks at me and rolls his eyes. "Thanks."

He takes a deep breath and moves his gaze to the view before us. I do too and almost gasp. It's beautiful. The sky is striped orange and pink and purple and the skyline almost glows. I can see Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament, and the river below us shimmers, reflecting the sun's remaining rays.

"Wow..."

"Yeah it looks pretty great, eh?" Edward says and he looks a little more at ease. "It's actually okay as long as I look out and not down."

I move my body closer and place my hand on his lower back, feeling the tense muscles there.

"Thank you for this, I love it."

"You're very welcome," he replies softly.

Then Edward makes the mistake of looking down.

"Jesus..." he mutters.

I have an idea.

"Listen," I begin. "I think what's required here is a distraction." I slide my arm around his back and unpeel one of his hands to bring to my waist, turning him to face me.

"Do you agree?" I whisper, running my fingers along the column of his neck. He says nothing and with my hand at the back of his head I gently bring his mouth to mine.

The kiss is sweet, soft and with the echo of last night's heat just below the surface. I want more of him. I touch his tongue with the tip of mine and he opens his mouth hesitantly. I gently guide the kiss until both his hands are at my waist pulling me closer and his tongue pushes harder against mine. A shiver runs over me and I grip my fingers in his hair, he makes the same humming groan he made last night when we kissed for the first time. I feel aware of every single part of my body and I'm once again struck by the thought that if he can affect me in such a way then maybe things won't be as physically difficult between us as I feared.

I break away, breathless, and he brushes his mouth against the pulse-point in my neck.

"You're missing the view, Sweetheart," he whispers.

I pull back and look at him.

"No, actually I see everything very clearly."

He brings our mouths back together and I think it's safe to say I have sufficiently distracted him from his phobia.

When he breaks the kiss again he says, "You're so beautiful. You...you make me kind of crazy you know?"

He laughs lightly and runs a hand through his hair.

"I mean, I hardly recognise myself with you, Bella."

I'm not sure if this is a good thing and Edward must see the look of confusion crossing my face because he quickly reassures me.

"No no, that's not bad. It's just, well, I'm not the sort of bloke who takes a girl on a "Mega Date"" He rolls his eyes at himself. "Or up a fucking overgrown Ferris wheel when I'm shitting myself! I'm not the sort of bloke who spends the night with a woman because the only thing he wants to do is hold her."

He pauses, looking sheepish.

"And I'm really not the sort of bloke who actually says all of that stuff out loud!"

I laugh and it crosses my mind that this moment right now may be the happiest I've ever been. Except I know that is ridiculous and it's been only 24 hours.

"But with you I just am. I'm...that type of bloke. And I'll admit my head is fucking spinning." He finishes.

"Mine is too," I say quietly. "We still need to talk about...stuff though." I sigh.

"Yeah I know. But I promise you, we are going to fix this. I'm not rushing you into anything at all."

"I know you aren't."

I steel myself. I know what I need to say.

"But maybe I want you to."

Edward just looks at me.

"Maybe I want to..._try_. I think I want to pick up where we left off last night, only minus the lying and the panic attack." I laugh nervously.

Edward swallows hard and this time I know it's nothing to do with his uneasiness with heights.

"You don't need us to...get to know each other more?"

How can this possibly be the same Edward Cullen I met two months ago? Cocky, assured and pursuing everything in a skirt. I of all people should have known better than to judge someone on initial appearances.

"I know you, Edward. Now I want to know more of you, all of you. You don't have to worry, I'm not going to break." I think every drop of blood in my body is currently gathering in my cheeks. Why is he making me ask for this?

I'm struck with a sudden thought. "Unless you don't want to?"

He grabs my waist and pulls me to him, giving me a kiss that sparks fire inside me and promises so much more.

"Christ," he groans, "are you fucking joking? I've literally thought of nothing else since I met you. I just didn't want to panic you, that's all."

"I'm not panicking anymore," I whisper.

"No, you're really not," he agrees, smiling.

"So we can, um, experiment? See how things...are?" I ask, unable to look him straight in the eye.

He grins, hugs me. "Abso-fucking-lutely."

"Did you just quote Big from Sex and the City?"

He shrugs. "Maybe."

I laugh. "God, I thought the chick flicks were bad enough!"

"Yeah yeah," he says. "So when do you want to, to use your unpleasant expression, _experiment_?"

Deep breath.

"Tonight?" I suggest in a small voice.

Edward's face is the perfect combination of ecstatic, nervous and aroused.

"Sounds good," he says, casually.

"There is just one problem though," I grin.

"What's that then?"

"We're 450 ft in the air!"

"Well then," he says, lowering his gorgeous lips to mine. "I suppose in the meantime you'll just have to distract me some more..."

**A/N**

**My last name isn't Meyer and therefore there will be no fading-to-black here. Ed will pick up next time exactly where we have left off...**

**Ten Eddie cuddles go to the first person to identify which awesome US teen drama I stole the distraction-on-a-Ferris-wheel technique from?**

**Also, thanks to irishmic for "Bellamerica" ;-)**

**As always I would love to hear your thoughts so please hit the button below.**

**Thanks**

**A x**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N**

**Hi guys, I'm updating early to celebrate the fact that The Search is up for TLS Fic of the Week! I would be so, so grateful for your votes (web address below). MASSIVE thanks to twilover76 for nominating me, her fic Fated Love is up too so I'd love for you to show her some love as well. **

**www. tehlemonadestand. blogspot. com**

**Thanks to my lovely readers for your continued encouragement. Thanks to Trip for her awesome beta skills. And I owe two more huge thankyous too this time.**

**Firstly, to Credorosa for her lovely review of The Search on Fandom Fanatic. And secondly to the incredible bornonhalloween who apparently decided that giving me advice, encouragement, introducing me to all her Patch ladies AND sharing the joy of her own stories wasn't enough, she has now included The Search in a brilliant guest rec she has done over at TwiSlash Unveiled. I'm honoured to see my name among the other writers she has mentioned. You can find links to both reviews in my profile. **

**I don't own Twilight, I just own a thousand blushes after writing this chapter!**

**EPOV**

I wasn't always so cocky and self-assured. My track record with women can be very clearly categorised into two distinct time periods.

At school my body filled out late, meaning I spent the majority of my teenage years carrying a giant mop of uncontrollable hair atop the skinniest, weediest frame ever seen in the history of adolescence. Kids are cruel and I was known for several years as Lollypop Head.

By the time I began to resemble a normal lad the damage had already been done. Girls were basically aliens to me; aliens I wanted to touch and smell and taste quite fervently but who would continue to elude me until I grasped the concept of actually speaking to them.

But that was before.

Before uni, before London, before money.

Before Tanya.

After Tanya I was so fucking angry that women were no longer intimidating but instead were traitorous bitches, mine for the taking. It didn't hurt that suddenly I was someone they wanted; good-looking, confident, successful. Knickers were dropping at a rate of knots and what's a fella to do but indulge in what's there?

These two Edwards, Before and After, have never met before. Never merged, never crossed over. Tanya got loving, sensitive and caring while every other woman got arrogant, distant and aloof. They never combined as one bloke.

Until now.

Bella Swan has captured the man-whore and reintroduced him to Lollypop Head, and as I lie with her now on my bed I'm torn between devouring every inch of her with my confident, experienced, and somewhat _desperate_, hands and mouth, or turning into a blushing, stumbling, incompetent boy.

Of course, I'm also slightly afraid that she'll have a panic attack at any moment.

But, my god, she's gorgeous. I break our fevered kiss for a moment to stare at her. Her cheeks are flushed, her breathing heavy and her hair is wild from where my hands have been buried in it.

I roll her gently onto her back and find her mouth again. I can't help pushing my jean-clad lower body against hers but she pushes back just as eagerly.

One thing that neither Edward can really control is his mouth.

"Fuck, Bella, I'm so hard right now, you know that?"

And I am. Neither of us have removed a single item of clothing yet but my cock is already leaking with my need for her. _Need that can't necessarily be fulfilled right now_, I remind myself.

She doesn't say anything but her hum of agreement turns into a breathy moan that makes my jeans even tighter.

I've already made a deal with myself; tonight I want to give her nothing but pleasure. No pressure, no pain. There can be all the time in the world for "experimenting"; all I can think about right now is hearing my name on her lips when she comes.

She warned me earlier that it might not be that simple, that Jacob couldn't always get her there. That sometimes she would "fake it so that it would be over." She must not know me very well, or perhaps she knows me _too_ well, because that sentence was like a red rag to a bull. I will have my baby shuddering and crying out tonight if it's the last thing I do.

Her accelerated breathing and stifled moans reassure me that this really won't be a problem.

I run my mouth along her throat, tasting her skin. Her hand in my hair grips tighter, she already seems to know how much I like that, and she pushes her hips up against me again, looking for friction. She is wearing a thin sundress today, which has now become bunched up around her waist, and when I move myself against her I can feel the heat from between her legs.

I slip one of her straps down and trail kisses along her shoulder and collarbone.

"Your skin is so soft, Bella, so beautiful. I want to taste every inch of it."

"Yes," she gasps out.

Her hands move down to my arse and begin to guide my thrusting into a more regular motion.

How the fuck did her husband call her frigid? She's driving me _insane_. This may be the most fun I have ever had with my clothes on. Speaking of...

I go to move back slightly to pull off my shirt but she grips me to her with a whimper.

"Please Edward," she cries. "Don't...don't stop moving."

_Holy. Fuck._

I stare down at her face but don't cease the motion of my hips against hers.

"You think you can come...like this?" I ask her. Cocky Edward is grinning in my mind like a madman.

"Yes!" She gasps. "I think so...I just...don't stop okay? _God_..." She closes her eyes and her head falls back on the pillow. I can hardly think straight.

I press harder against her and _fuck that feels good_. All I can think about is ripping off these jeans, pushing her underwear to one side and getting inside her but I know that's not an option right now. I pull her hips up towards me and grind against her.

"Yes! Oh god, there. Please, Edward, _please_..." she whimpers.

I feel like a teenager and a god all at once. I'm so tempted to reach down and touch her to get her there faster but this is a challenge now and Ed Cullen does not back down from a challenge. Plus, I think my cock would protest at this point because moving with her feels so amazing.

Still, a few words in her ear might help her along.

I breathlessly kiss her jaw and whisper.

"Are you close, baby? Are you gonna come for me soon?"

She nods and takes a shaky breath.

"Do you have any idea how beautiful you are right now? Flushed, hot, writhing against me. I want you so fucking much..."

"You too, Edward," she pants out. "So much..."

"I want you to come for me, baby. I want you to come hard against my cock. Can you do that? Like this? From just this?"

"So close..." she whispers.

She bites her lower lip and pushes harder and quicker against the seam of my jeans.

"Do you want my fingers, Bella? Do you need me to touch you?"

She shakes her head, and freezes and I know I've got her. I expect her to close her eyes again, toss back her head, but instead her eyes flash wide and she stares at me. Her mouth drops open and she cries out quietly. She looks so incredibly hot and for a horrible, humiliating, wonderful moment I wonder if I'm going to come too. Thankfully, I manage to hold it together and just grip her tight while she trembles and jerks against me.

She whispers my name over and over until she eventually stills and takes a deep shaky breath. I fall back onto my side beside her and my cock protests at the lack of contact. _Wait your turn._

She stares at me, breathless and looking a little embarrassed. "So...I'm sorry about that."

Is she insane?

"Why on earth are you apologising?"

She shrugs. "I wasn't expecting to, you know, so easily. It isn't usually like that. All of a sudden, when you went to stop, I just, I just knew that I could."

"That was so fucking hot." I mumble against her neck, slipping my arm around her waist.

"And your words, Jesus..." She pulls back to grin at me. "It seems Edward Cullen has a really filthy mouth."

I smirk. "Oh, Sweetheart, you really have no idea."

I pull her towards me for a kiss and roll on my back so she is straddling me. I slide my tongue into her waiting mouth and bring my hands to her incredible arse. I graze my fingers down her backside and between her legs and she gasps, the material of her underwear is hot and damp.

"Mmm...I need to see you. All of you." I tell her.

She sits back on my thighs and pulls her dress over her head without hesitation. This girl is so caught between shy and sassy that I just can't keep up.

She stares at me and slowly removes her pale blue bra and I hold my breath. I saw her breasts last night but it was dark and I was half-drunk, now I can see clearly. They are perfect and I instantly lean up to capture her right nipple in my mouth. She let's out a gasp that goes straight to my needy cock. I gently hold her by the waist and shift her slightly so her heated pussy is over my crotch again as I continue to worship her breasts. Her skins tastes incredible but I want more; I need to taste more of her.

I roll us back until she is beneath me. I rest my weight on my arm and gently cover every inch of her with my mouth - her throat, her collarbone, the valley between her breast, and those two pink peaks that are begging to be sucked. Every gasp, every moan, every sound she makes just increases my need for her.

When she reaches between us for my jeans and her small hand brushes my hardness I can't help but groan in anticipation.

_Yes, baby, yes. Please touch me._

She unfastens my jeans and pulls them down my hips, I quickly pull them off. She kisses me and rubs her hand over my cock through my boxers. I groan into her mouth and thrust into her touch.

I know with all this rubbing and thrusting I won't last long when she finally gets her bare hands on me and I want to taste her first.

"I'm not finished with you yet, baby," I whisper across her skin and slide down the bed, away from her touch.

I place open-mouthed kisses across her beautiful flat stomach and grip her hips in my hands. Slowly, carefully I part her thighs and settle myself between them. I put my mouth on her inner thigh, as close as possible to her pussy, and suck gently.

"God, Edward, please..." she breathes.

I hover my mouth over her, and blow gently through her underwear, teasing her. She pushes her hips up and I smile. But my god she smells amazing and I need to taste her. The patch of wetness seeping through the thin material covering her is driving me crazy.

I graze her hip bones with my fingertips and take hold of the edge of her underwear, looking up to meet her eyes.

"I won't hurt you, Bella. I promise."

She looks back at me with her soft brown eyes and gives me a small smile.

"I know. I trust you."

My chest tightens with her words, knowing how much it must cost her to trust someone after everything she has been through. For the briefest moment I have an urge to tell her I trust her too, that I want to let her in, that I want her to see parts of me that I have held back from everyone. But the words catch in my throat. I'm not ready.

But I am ready to show her.

She lifts her hips to allow me to draw her underwear down her legs. I toss it aside and slip my arms under her knees, drawing her closer to me. Then I look up.

_Fuck, it's beautiful._

Neat dark curls above perfect pink lips, glistening with her desire for me. I lick my lips and try to get control of myself.

All I can think about is getting my cock free and pushing deep inside her, I can't help but imagine her tight grip and the silky texture of her fluids surrounding me. I let out a strangled moan at just the thought.

_Hold it, Cullen; calm the fuck down. Take care of her. Don't get carried away._

I'm caught between my need to just bury my mouth in her pussy and my desire to tease her to distraction. I trail my tongue along her inner thigh again, bringing my face close enough so that I can smell her. Again I blow cold air over her sex and my breath catches when she pushes her hips up towards me.

"Jesus, Edward, please..." her cry sounds a little desperate and I can't help but feel a little smug.

"What, baby?" I tease. "I'm just enjoying the view."

I look up at her and the look she gives me is almost angry and I laugh out loud.

I lower my gaze and brush two fingers very lightly through her curls, and towards her opening, grazing her clit on the way down. I hear her breath catch and can't resist glancing up at her face again, her head thrown back.

What can I say? I'm a cruel bastard.

"Tell me what you want, baby?"

Her small growl of frustration may just be the cutest sound I've ever heard.

"Do you want me to touch you?" I whisper, millimetres from where she wants me to be. "Do you want my fingers, my mouth, my tongue...?

"Yes," she gasps. "All of it. Please, Edward..."

"Since you asked so nicely..."

I quickly and firmly put my mouth on her, flicking my tongue over her clit rapidly. She cries out, loudly, and thrusts her pussy up to my eager mouth. I bring one hand to her bottom and hold her up tightly to me. I trail my tongue down lower, lapping at the juices that have gathered there.

"Fuck," I gasp, pulling back breathless and shamelessly grinding myself into the bed. "You taste so fucking good, Bella."

"Ugh," is her only response as I go back for more. Over and over I move my tongue from her clit to her opening and back again, eventually settling on her clit with rapid motions.

"Jesus, Edward!" Hearing her cry my name out makes my forgotten cock throb. Her hands find my head and pull tightly on my hair. I groan against her and she cries out louder.

"Please. So good, _so good_..."

But I'm not done teasing. I pull back my mouth, enjoy the whimper she releases, and bring my hand between her legs. I run my fingers gently between her folds.

"You're so wet."

"Yes," she whispers, breathing heavy. "That has, ah, never been the problem."

I put my mouth back on her clit and continue to gently probe with my fingers, careful not to push too far. I don't want to panic her, or hurt her. But then she breathes one word.

"Inside."

"You want my finger inside you?" I want her to clarify; I want it to be her choice. I don't want to be like Jacob, taking what wasn't given freely.

"Yes. Please."

Slowly and gently I push inside, holding my breath. I notice her thighs clench a little and I stroke my hand over the skin of her leg, reassuringly.

"Shhh, baby, relax. I'm going to go so gently, okay?"

I look up to see her eyes and she nods, biting her lip.

I have one finger fully inside now and I can't lie, it is tight. So fucking tight. I can move it back and forth but it isn't as easy as it should be. When I brush my thumb over her clit she lets out a moan and I feel her relax a little but not much.

Suddenly the reality of this situation becomes clear. I had listened to everything Bella told me last night but I don't think I really understood until now. Being inside her, as she is right now, just wouldn't be possible. And that is one fucking depressing, terrifying thought.

On the other hand, she certainly responds to me. She is so wet for me. And she is capable of orgasm so I need to count my blessings too. She said it's an involuntary muscle spasm, meaning there is nothing physically there to prevent it. Meaning it's controllable, fixable. I hope.

For now, I remember my promise, my plan for tonight. _Bring her pleasure._

I move my mouth back to her clit and begin the gentlest of motions with my finger. Her hand goes back to my head and her legs relax open a little. I work my mouth and finger on her until she is crying out again and I can tell she is close. I note with relief that the closer she gets the looser her grip on my finger becomes.

I pull my mouth back, desperate to watch her, and move my thumb over her clit instead, continuing the gentle motion of my finger.

"Edward. Edward. God, I'm so close..."

"I know, baby, I know. I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to get you there." I murmur, pressing more firmly with my thumb.

"Yes! Yes, that's it. You're right there..."

I watch her face, feverishly alternating between throwing her head back and lifting back up to watch me.

She meets my eyes. "Please, Edward. Your mouth, I need your mouth..."

I cover her again with my lips, flicking my tongue as fast as I can. I feel her beginning to twitch around me and I suck her clit hard into my mouth.

_Come on, baby. That's it. Give it to me._

"Edward, I'm coming, I'm coming! Ughh!"

I groan loudly as I feel her flesh quivering against my mouth, the muscles clamping down on my finger. I don't stop, helping her ride out every moment of her orgasm as her fists clench tightly in my hair. I can't really breathe but I don't care, because nothing matters; nothing but feeling her orgasm against my tongue. Feeling her give in and let go and fall apart for me. Because of me.

I gently stroke my tongue over her until she flinches from sensitivity.

I crawl up her body to collapse next to her and I take huge pleasure in watching her flushed and breathless expression. She turns her eyes to me and I want to kiss her so much but I don't know if tasting herself will freak her out.

I needn't have worried as she soon pulls my mouth towards hers and kisses me deeply and thoroughly. She breaks apart and stares at me. She looks a little awed and I feel a tiny bit smug.

"Edward, that was...you are...it's.." Eventually she seems to give up on adjectives and just smiles and says "Thank you."

"My pleasure," I grin back at her "_Believe _me."

She runs her eyes hungrily over my body and my cock twitches a little in response. He's pretty mad at me right now for not being allowed in on the action.

"I think actually we do need to do something about your pleasure, don't you?"

"Bella, it's fine, just relax for a minute." Sensitive Edward says while Cocky Edward growls in frustration at him.

"Oh, baby," she purrs and my heart leaps at her calling me that. "I'm not going to be able to relax until I've finally seen what's inside those boxers."

She pushes me flat on my back and leans over me propping her head up on her hand while slowly trailing the other down my chest and across my stomach. My breath hitches when she reaches the waistband of my underwear.

"Not until I've seen it," she whispers, placing a kiss on my chest.

"Touched it." she grazes her palm over my bulge and I can't help the embarrassingly loud moan that escapes my lips.

She brings her lips to my ear.

"And tasted it..."

"Fuck," I mutter, closing my eyes.

"What's the matter, Edward?" She says in a soft singsong voice, palming me again. "Did you think you were the only one who could use your filthy mouth?"

I open my eyes to watch her playful expression fixed on my face. She watches me carefully while she slips her fingers inside my pants and slowly wraps her incredibly soft hand around me. It is sheer relief.

I curse again and shut my eyes as she rewards me with several slow, strong strokes.

"Yes, _god yes_." I groan.

No other woman's touch has ever felt like this.

"Does that feel good?" She says, running her thumb over the tip and the moisture already gathered there.

"Yes," I croak. "So good, baby."

She lifts her hand away and I stifle my groan of protest but then she sucks her thumb into her mouth, tasting my pre-cum.

_Jesus._

"How do I taste?" I can't help asking.

"Good," she whispers.

She slides herself down my body and I wonder if I'll even last 30 seconds if she takes me in her mouth.

She giggles when I hastily lift my hips to allow her to remove my underwear.

"Eager?"

"Like you wouldn't believe." I reply, unapologetic.

She pulls them down my legs and my cock springs free. I don't think I've ever been this hard.

She stares at me with a slightly awed expression and I actually see her _swallow_. Is she trying to kill me?

"Wow." she murmurs and I can't help the bark of breathless, strained laughter that bursts out of me.

She smiles and blushes, before looking back down at me and licking her fucking lips.

She gently runs her fingertips over my balls.

"Uhh..."

She looks up at me with a slow smile. "So, what is it you want Edward?"

Payback's a bitch.

"Put your mouth on me. Please."

My cock twitches at my own words and more liquid leaks forth.

"Hmmm, your cock seems to like that idea too."

"_Please, baby_..." I realise I'm not above begging at this point.

She bends towards me, I hold my breath and she places one oddly gentle kiss on my shaft.

"Like this?" she asks, eyes innocent.

I stay silent, fist the duvet.

"Or like this?" she holds the base and runs her tongue along the underside while I let out a sharp hiss.

I wonder if it's possible to come with nothing touching you at all.

"Or could you mean...like this?"

At once she grips the base and takes me deeply into her mouth. She runs her tongue over the head before sucking me, hard. She moves her mouth along the length and I cry out, using every bit of will power I have not to buck my hips.

Her mouth is hot and tight and so fucking right. She strokes the base with one hand, sucks the rest of me as far back as she can. Her other hand cups my balls and I feel like screaming out, but the sound materialises as only a strangled yell.

I'm not going to last. I can already feel that tightening in my balls, my stomach. That feeling where literally nothing else on the planet matters. The walls could collapse around us and I still don't think I'd pull back from her incredible mouth.

She somehow takes even more of me in and then suddenly it's there and I'm falling.

"Bella, I'm gonna come, I'm coming baby..." I grit out as a desperate warning, but she doesn't pull back. She only takes me harder, deeper and I shoot down the back of her throat while shouting her name.

While I try to catch my breath she rests her head against my chest. I use my remaining strength to raise my hand and bury my fingers in her hair. I wonder if she can feel my heart thumping against my rib cage.

I want to say so much.

_Thank you._

_I need you._

_You're everything._

_We'll be fine because we're so incredible together there is no way for us not to be fine._

But the courage and confidence eludes me and instead I just lie there and hold her while she snuggles closer.

* * *

><p>I'm in that delicious place, a hair's breadth from sleep, when I'm suddenly aware of a repetitive dull thud.<p>

What the...?

"Edward," Bella mumbles, lifting her head with effort. "I think there's someone at your door."

With that a familiar voice yells out, "Ed? Ed! Open up!"

"For fuck's sake," I mutter, dragging myself upright.

"What?" Bella asks. "Who is it?"

"It's J."

She leaps up. "J? Jasper Whitlock?"

"Yep."

"Ed! Let me in, mate," he shouts.

I roll my eyes. Bella looks a little horrified.

"Shall I hide or something?"

"Hide? Why the hell would you hide?" I say, pulling on my trousers.

"Because he's a client!" she says in a whispered shriek. "And I had assumed we weren't going to be shouting about this from the rooftop at work!"

We weren't?

"Ah, well, I dunno." I stutter. "Anyway, it just J. He's my best mate, he's not going to out us."

I run my eyes over her and wink. "Maybe stick some clothes on though, eh? I'll try to get rid of him."

I stumble out of the bedroom and down the stairs to the front door.

"Ed! I know you're there coz the guy on the front desk said you were in," Jasper hisses.

"Alright, for fuck's sake!" I yell back, flinging open the door.

When he pushes his way hastily inside carrying a holdall and a sports bag my plan of getting rid of him seems less likely.

"What's going on, J?" I ask, tired and annoyed.

I examine his face for the first time and realise he looks terrible. Pale, tired and maybe like he could have been crying.

"I've done it, mate. I've finally fucking done it." His voice is a little hysterical.

"Done what?" I'll admit after the most killer blowjob of my life from a girl who has put my emotions in a blender I'm not exactly firing on all cylinders.

He grips my shoulder and his exhausted eyes are wild.

"I've finally left Maria."

**A/N**

**Confession: at one point I was planning on having J arrive before Ed was, erm, finished. But in the end I just couldn't do it to the poor boy, or to you.**

**This is my first citrus attempt so I would love to hear your thoughts - too much? Not enough? It turns out writing lemons is nowhere near as easy as you'd think and I cannot tell you how many times I blushed, cringed and squinted at my screen in horror while writing this!**

**Thanks so much for reading.**

**Amber x**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N**

**Disclaimer - Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, I'm just messing around in her stationery cupboard ;-)**

**Wow - you guys are _blowing me away_ with your fabulous feedback (**I believe I got review replies to everyone bar a couple of you who have your settings turned off so I couldn't reply).** THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone who voted to help The Search win Fic of the Week - I'm so appreciative of your support. Welcome to all the new readers, including those who are here courtesy of TLS and _bornonhalloween_'s lovely review. **

**As always, special thanks to my beta, Trip, for working her magic and for her support. **

**It's time for Bossward & Assistella to get back to grindstone...**

**BPOV**

In stark contrast to what I'm rapidly considering the best weekend of my life, I've hit Monday morning with a bump. My fingers tremble slightly as I attempt to pull up the fiddly zip on my shift dress and I try not to panic about how I'm going to act when I have to see and speak to Edward, in front of an office full of people, without letting a single soul realise there is something going on between us.

Edward seems irritatingly unruffled by the entire thing. When Jasper arrived at his apartment I just about had a heart attack, not helped by the fact that I had been in the process of drifting into a delicious sleep in the arms of the man who had just delivered the best orgasm I've ever had.

I had stood and eavesdropped at the bedroom doorway and it soon became pretty clear that Jasper wouldn't be leaving any time soon. I briefly considered hiding but I had no idea how long Jasper was going to be here and I couldn't hide forever. Plus Edward's loft is entirely open plan - you can practically see the entire bedroom just from glancing up the open staircase so I'd be surprised if Jasper hadn't already spotted me where I was pressed behind the door, wrapped in Edward's bed sheet.

I hastily located my panties, threw my crumpled dress back on and ran my hands through my hair to little effect; it was still sticking up all over the place in a very obvious way. I couldn't resist a small smile; damn Edward and his hair-obsessed hands.

Deep breath.

_Stop being a coward, Swan, and get the fuck down there._

Judging by the snippets of conversation I could hear it sounded like Jasper had more to worry about than the girl creeping out of Edward's bedroom anyway. As soon as I moved one step towards the door though a floorboard creaked loudly and I heard Jasper say, in somewhat of a stage whisper.

"Shit, sorry mate, do you have a bird here? Is that why you took so long to answer the door?"

"Ah well, yeah. It's not like _that_ but yeah." Edward stammered in reply and I tried not to focus too closely on what he meant by "not like that."

With as much dignity as this situation allowed, which wasn't much, I descended the stairs. As soon as Jasper glanced up and saw me his face broke into the most terribly knowing grin, which he turned to Edward briefly and back to me.

"Well, what do you know?" he exclaimed while I stood beside Edward wearing a sheepish half-smile. "Fancy seeing you here, Miss Swan."

"Hi, Jasper," I said quietly, glancing at Edward who appeared to be repressing a smile. The cocky bastard.

Later, when Jasper was sleeping on the couch and I was back in Edward's bed, I had tried to explain why I really didn't think it was a good idea for anyone to know about this at work.

"I'll be fired, Edward."

He rolled his eyes. "Of course you won't, don't be ridiculous."

"I've been here two months and I'm sleeping with my superior! Well I'm not actually, _you know_, but you know, anyway -"

My face flushed red with embarrassment at the situation and shame at my sexual inadequacies which, thanks to the poor timing of Jasper's arrival, we still hadn't really discussed.

"Sweetheart," Edward said calmly. "First of all, no one at work has to find out, I've told you J won't breathe a word. Secondly, even if they did you would not be sacked. If anyone's going to be in trouble it will be me and even then I don't think Aro would have to balls to take it too far. He likes my monthly figures too much." He grins, confident.

"What _would_ happen then?" I ask.

Edward looks uncertain. "To be completely honest, I don't really know but two members of the Accounts team actually _live_ together and I'm fairly certain they met at Volturi, so I'm sure it's fine."

"But would they still let me work as your assistant? I mean, wouldn't that be a conflict of interest?"

A shadow of doubt crossed his face. "Hmmm...you might have a point there, and that would be horrible. If they reassigned you to someone else my jealous streak would be completely unbearable for you..." I felt his smile against my throat when he kissed it softly, pulling my body closer to his under the warm covers.

Before I became distracted by his magical lips I said. "So you agree then? We'll keep this, whatever this _is_, a secret for now?"

Edward pulled back and looked into my eyes, grazing my cheek with his knuckles. "Yes, baby, if that's what you want. But I just want you to know that "whatever this is" between us is definitely _something_ and I'm very happy about it. So happy in fact that keeping a distance from you at work is going to be quite a challenge."

It then occurred to me that I would be spending all day watching him, talking to him, listening to him but not being able to lay my hands on him and it did seem like a pretty difficult task. It was bad enough before when I was so crazy attracted to him, I could hardly think straight when he was around without my brain slipping in to endless fantasies. But now I don't have to fantasise, I _know_ how his mouth tastes and how his hands and lips feel all over my body yet I still have to type his meeting notes without jumping his bones. A challenge indeed.

Not to mention of course that I suspect the way we dashed out of that bar on Friday night did not go unnoticed. Jess's eyes were practically burning into us when we were dancing, at the time I couldn't think of anything besides Edward's embrace and his warm breath on my cheek, but now I realise it must have looked fairly obvious when we ran out without saying goodbye.

If I'm being honest these aren't the only reasons I'm feeling anxious this morning. Saturday night was incredible and Edward made me feel things that Jake had never even come close to before. However, despite my hopes, I'm unable to deny that when he put his finger inside me I clearly hadn't been miraculously healed. A part of me had been hoping that the sheer strength of my desire for him would overpower my condition but I think deep down I always knew that was a long shot. The therapist had explained that this was a repeated psychological behaviour that was now deeply ingrained in my subconscious and would take time, willpower and perseverance to overcome. More than just a gorgeous man, then.

This left two more worries in its wake. Firstly, despite all the wonderful things Edward had told me and how incredibly safe I feel with him, I still don't think he really grasps the enormity of this problem and what it could mean for any relationship we might have.

Secondly, contrary to my determination on Friday night to leave Edward well alone, everything has now changed. I want to be with him so much, so badly. When he landed on my doorstep in the rain, all the feelings I had been harbouring for him these last few weeks were unleashed and now there is no way I can put them back in the box and that terrifies me. This leaves one option - I have to get fixed. I have to take whatever is wrong with me and find a way to make it better, before I lose him.

This is a lot of hard thinking for a Monday morning.

The urge to see Edward, alone, and have him hold me and kiss away my worries is strong but we agreed that we shouldn't travel or arrive together today, so as not to make suspicions worse. Plus he needed to go in early today anyway.

With a heavy heart, I finish dressing, grab my bag and head for the front door. That's when I see the small piece of card on the mat. I reach down to pick it up and realise it's a postcard version of Dali's _Persistence of Memory_. My heart leaps when I study the picture of the strange melting clocks and realise there is only one person who could have slipped this through my door. I flip it over in my hand to read the message.

_Bella,_

_When we're together I want all the clocks to melt so that time can just stand still for us. Thank you for the most wonderful weekend and for bringing a side of me to the surface I had long forgotten._

_I can't wait to see you._

_Edward x_

_PS Stop panicking about how things will be at work!_

I can't help the wide smile on my face when I hug the postcard to my chest, my heart pounding beneath it. I don't know what I did to deserve this man but I'm through questioning it. Suddenly I can't wait to get to work - because that is where he is.

* * *

><p>Unfortunately the Edward waiting for me at Volturi is not the same one I've spent my weekend with. I quietly sit down at my desk and try to casually watch him through the glass of his closed office door. Headset on and pacing angrily around the room, he is clearly not happy with whatever the caller is telling him. I'm desperate to know what's going on but I know better than to go in there right now.<p>

Is it possible to sense a smirk before you see it? Because I feel like Jessica's is boring into my skull.

"Good morning, Bella!" she grins knowingly as she collapses down at her desk opposite me.

"Hi Jess."

"Did you have a lovely weekend?" Her face is a picture of innocence but her tone is entirely disingenuous.

"Yes thank you. Did you?"

She ignores my enquiry. "What happened to you on Friday night? You and Ed slipped off pretty sharpish."

_Don't blush don't blush don't blush._

I reach quickly for the lie Edward and I agreed. "Oh I wasn't feeling well. Too much champagne, you know? Anyway, Edward just took me outside for some fresh air and helped me find a cab."

Jess raises an eyebrow. "But he didn't come back in. I mean, he lives near you, doesn't he? If he wasn't going to return to the party then he may as well have just shared your cab. Don't you think?" She looks awfully triumphant.

"I don't know, Jess. I don't know what his plans were. Maybe he went to meet someone or something."

"He didn't tell you what he was doing?"

"Why would he tell me? I'm not his keeper, and neither are you. What does it matter?"

She still looks sceptical but also resigned to the fact that she won't be getting anything out of me today.

She casts a glance in the direction of Edward's office. "What's up with our lord and master this morning anyway? He's wearing a hole in the carpet."

Relieved to be on safer ground–albeit temporarily–I reply, "I don't know. I just got here."

"Guess his weekend can't of been _that_ good then, eh?" She smirks before dashing off to the coffee machine.

Jesus. This is going to suck, I am the most awful liar.

I'm checking my emails when Angela comes over. More interrogation?

"Morning, Bella."

"Hi, good weekend?" I ask quickly.

"Yes, great thank you. Did you have fun at the party?" I don't miss the quick glance she shoots in Edward's direction.

"Yes, definitely. It all seemed to go well." I go for a pre-emptive strike. "Sorry I didn't say goodbye when I left the bar. I wasn't feeling well."

She stares at me for a second then smiles kindly. "No problem. Are you are feeling better now?"

_Thank you, Angela._

"Yes, much. Just too much to drink."

Angela looks like she wants to say something else on the topic but thinks better of it. She is clearly nothing like Jessica and I couldn't be more grateful for that.

"Anyway, the reason I came over was to ask if you wanted to go for a drink tonight with me and some of the other PAs?"

Grateful to her for further extending the hand of friendship I agree to go.

Jessica returns and I sense she wants to interrogate me some more but fortunately she is interrupted by a muffled yell from Edward's office and the sound of a stress ball flying across the room.

"Uh oh, Psycho Eddie alert." she mutters, quickly appearing busy.

The door to his office crashes open somewhat violently and Edward leans out looking beyond irritated. My heart leaps at suddenly seeing him close up and also at the slightly crazed look in his eye.

"Can you come in here please? Both of you." He looks from Jess to me and I notice how he holds my gaze for just a moment longer, his expression softening briefly before he dashes back inside and Jess and I scurry after him.

"Shut the door," he says, settling back behind his desk.

"Um, what's wrong, boss?" Jess asks tentatively.

Edward runs a hand through his hair. "I've just had Michael Coleman on the phone. His HR department are interfering in the project, specifically some bitch called Jane. She has asked to see our status reports and is now saying we're not producing results quick enough."

"But we've provided a shortlist of six within the last month. Isn't that quicker than we promise?" I ask.

When he looks at me I can't help my heart from racing, in spite of the nature of our conversation and Jessica being only two feet to my left.

"It is, and I think even Coleman knows that, but these days HR are getting way too much power for my liking and they seem to be calling the shots."

"Well that's ridiculous," Jess snorts. "It's his bloody company!"

Edward shrugs, sighs. "I know but that's just how it is. I see it all the time." He leans forward. "But, I'm telling you, this isn't good news. HR do not understand how retained headhunting works. They are only used to dealing with high street recruiters and they are all about pound signs. They'll do whatever they can to try to prove we're not delivering what was contracted so they can get out of paying fees."

"So what do we do?" I ask.

"Prove that we are doing what was promised. Michael has signed a contract so we just need to show we're holding up our end of the bargain. He and this Jane will be here at 11am for a meeting to discuss progress. Can you be available?"

"Of course," Jessica says.

"Bella?"

I frown at him. "You want me in the meeting?" The only client contact Demetri ever allowed me was delivering the coffee.

"Of course I do. You know the candidates, you know the status of the assignment possibly better than anyone since you oversee all the day-to-day interactions. Plus this is HR - they are bound to want paper trails, specific dates, and all that stuff."

"Oh. Okay. Sure." I'm flattered but already doubting myself. Is there anything I have forgotten to do on this project that could affect things for Edward?

"Jess, be ready. They'll want to go through your search reports with a fine-tooth comb I'd imagine."

"You got it." Jess nods confidently.

"Okay, thanks, that's all. Bella, can you hang back for a second?"

Jessica exits, but not without a quick glance between us. She closes the door behind her at least, although I wouldn't be that surprised if she'd bugged us.

I sit down opposite Edward and watch as he sighs and drags his fingers through his hair again, it's getting more wild that usual.

He meets my eyes and smiles for the first time that morning.

"Hi," he says quietly.

I blush of course and smile back.

"Hi,"

"I'm sorry I'm a grump today."

"Don't be silly, you have good reason. This HR woman sounds hideous."

"Yeah I think she is. Even Michael didn't seem keen and he employed her! It's just..." he pauses, thoughtful.

"This project has to go well, I _need_ it to be a success." He looks conflicted. "I can't really explain right now but it's important."

I'm curious but I guess he has his reasons so I just say "Sure."

He leans forward a little. "Did anyone say anything this morning? About Friday?"

"Just Jess. She should work for the Interrogation Squad."

"What did you tell her?"

"What we agreed."

Edward nods slowly. "Listen, we don't have to do it this way. I can go to Aro, explain the situation."

I shake my head quickly. "No no, please don't. It's fine. Let's just keep it quiet until, well, until we know what's going to happen."

"You still think I'm going to run away from this, don't you?" Edward asks sadly.

I shrug. "No. I just...let's just play it by ear okay?"

"Alright," he says. He smiles gently at me and my heart races.

"Thank you for your postcard, by the way."

His smile widens. "You're welcome. I'm glad you liked it. And...I meant it." I notice the slight blush high on his cheeks and it takes all my willpower not to leap across the desk and into his lap.

He continues to stare at me, smiling, before glancing out the glass wall to the rest of the office. I follow his gaze and notice at least four different pairs of eyes trying to sneak casual glances at us.

"We have an audience."

"Yeah," he says, softly, green eyes twinkling. "So you should go before I forget myself and kiss you."

_Please kiss me._

"Yep," I say. He gives me one last look and I walk out as casually as I can.

Jess leaps on me like a Rottweiler.

"What was that all about?"

"What?"

"What were you chatting about?"

"The same thing we talk about every day, Jess. Work, priorities, today's tasks."

She nods, grinning. "Sure. You're thorough, I know. Every morning you chat with him, he gives you instructions and you take diligent notes."

"Yeah...?" Where is she going with this?

"Except...well your notebook is right there on your desk, and today you didn't write anything down."

Damn, she's right. I look at the offending notebook sitting innocently unused on my desk and scramble for another lie.

This is going to be a very long day.

* * *

><p>At 11am sharp my internal line buzzes.<p>

"Bella Swan."

"Hi, Bella. Michael and Jane from Coleman & Son are here for Mr Cullen."

"Thanks, I'll be right down."

I alert Edward and Jess, straighten my dress and head down to reception.

"Good morning, Bella." Michael greets me warmly, grasping my hand. "This is my colleague, Jane."

A slightly apprehensive look crosses his face and I take in his tiny companion. Well under five feet and thin to the point of brittle, she is wearing a grey pant suit and black ankle boots with the scariest pointed toes and spike heels I've ever encountered. I briefly wonder if she uses them to kick men in the testicles, as her terrifying expression would suggest. She is wearing her blonde hair scraped back which only makes her skull-like face even more severe. I wouldn't want to get stuck in a lift with this chick.

"Nice to meet you," I say, extending my hand.

She glances at it for a beat longer than is polite before shaking it briskly.

"Follow me please," I say, leading them up to our floor.

Edward and Jessica are waiting in the meeting room and introductions are made. Jessica's bright 'corporate smile' garners little more than a sneer from Jane.

Edward takes control. "So, first things first, would you like to see this week's status report? We can go through point by point what stage we are at with each candidate and -"

Jane cuts him off with the lift of her bony hand. "All I need, Mr Cullen, is to understand exactly what we are paying you for?"

There is a beat of silence in which Jess and I exchange a glance before Edward gathers himself and launches into his highly efficient sales pitch detailing the value of executive search over contingency recruitment, and the details of the contract he and Michael agreed in advance. It all seems fairly straightforward, to me at least.

"But what I want to know is, why has it taken a month to receive details of these candidates? Why were they not sent as and when they were engaged with and why so few?"

I watch Edward's jaw tighten. This is exactly what he was talking about earlier. She clearly just isn't on board with the concept of the headhunting style of recruitment.

"As I'm sure Michael has explained, the reason there are only six candidates currently in the frame is because Volturi take control of making sure you only receive the best the market has to offer. We have already screened dozens of candidates and offered you ones who best match the brief Michael gave us."

"So we pay you an up front fee before work even begins?"

"Yes, that's how it works." I don't miss Edward's glance in Michael's direction and quite right too. Why on earth hasn't he explained all this to Crazy Jane?

"And what advantage does this give us over using, as you put it, a 'high street recruiter'?" Jane looks at Edward sternly and I would very much like to shove my pen in her beady eye.

Edward is unruffled though. "By retaining our services up front you guarantee a much more thorough and lengthy research focus verses a non-retained recruiter who, as they have no guaranteed fee, will run a quick search on their database and then give up."

Temporarily subdued Jane moves on. "Overview aside, I can't say I'm overly impressed with your delivery so far either. Where are the detailed reports? Why are the resumes not uploaded onto our online portal? What is holding up the interview arrangements?"

_Hold up, Missy. That's my domain and that's handled._

I clear my throat. "Excuse me, I can assure you all the information has both been sent to Michael's assistant and uploaded to your intranet."

Jane looks at me with disdain. "I checked just this morning and there were holes everywhere."

I swallow. "Well there must be an IT problem at your end I'm afraid. They were sent. Similarly, I have been chasing your HR Assistant for two weeks for interview availability but haven't had a response."

"Impossible," Jane shakes her tiny head. "I spoke to her just this morning and she says she's heard nothing from any of you."

This is bullshit, and I can prove it.

"Mr Cullen," Jane is saying. "Perhaps it is your assistant who is at fault and has not sent us the information."

Oh that mini-bitch is going down.

"Now, wait a minute -" Edward begins but I interrupt in the calmest voice I can muster. "Excuse me, Mr Cullen. Can I please step outside to check this information?"

"Of course, Bella," he says, shooting me a comforting glance.

I scoot out of the conference room and practically run down to my desk. Five minutes and a whirl of the printer later I'm headed back armed with ammunition.

I can tell instantly on my return that Edward is beginning to lose his cool. _Hold it together, baby._

"Mr Coleman, can I show you these documents?" I purposely address Michael over Jane. Jane flaps her hand in my direction anyway.

"Here are the receipt notifications that every report and resume was successfully uploaded to your system. Here are the initial emails I sent to your HR team requesting interview information for candidates and here are the several subsequent emails I have been periodically sending when I received little feedback. I can assure you, sir, Volturi has been very pro-active in this assignment."

Nobody speaks for a beat and I catch Edward biting his lip to hide a smile. Michael leafs through the print-outs I gave him before turning to Jane and speaking for the first time.

"It seems Bella is correct. I can only assume there is a problem in _your_ team that we will address back at the office."

Jane's scrawny face has fallen as she quickly scans the papers for herself. For the first time she appears lost for words. Jess sends a wink my way while their backs are turned.

"The rest of your queries have been answered by the contract and by Edward I believe."

Crestfallen, Jane says "Yes, Mr Coleman."

"Ed, I'm sorry for wasting your time and for the hold up with this assignment. Rest assured, I will be addressing the internal issue and sending information to Bella ASAP."

"Thank you." Edward says a little stiffly, but his eyes are dancing. "Here, I'll show you out."

Once he's led them away Jess can barely contain herself.

"That was fucking awesome, Bella!" she almost shouts. "You sure showed that bitch."

I grin. "Yeah I guess I did. Listen I'm just going to take some copies of these for the file in case anything comes up again, okay?" In reality I need a couple of minutes alone in the copy room to stop shaking.

I'm heading down the corridor when a grinning Edward stops in front of me and grabs my hand.

"Come with me," he whispers, with a glance around the deserted hallway. He pulls us further down and into a room I've never been before. It's dark inside and his mouth is on mine as soon as the door slams shut.

After the initial surprise I relax into his touch and revel in being able to be close to him again. He presses his body tightly against mine and coils a hand into my hair.

After several minutes of feverish kissing he pulls away to stare at me in the half-light. His eyes are bright green flames.

"Baby, that was brilliant," he says, trailing his fingers down the back of my neck. "So fucking _efficient_..." he murmurs, brushing soft kisses against my throat.

I giggle breathlessly, pushing my hands inside his suit jacket and around to his back to pull him closer. He groans softly when his groin brushes mine.

He mutters in my ear. "That was so hot, seeing you defend yourself, defend _us_. It was all I could do not to throw you down on the desk there and then."

"I just...I didn't like how she was talking to you."

He pulls back to look at my face again and smiles. "I know, Sweetheart, I didn't like how she was talking to you either. Trying to blame you, the fucking bitch."

I take the break in Edward's delicious assault on my senses to gather myself and check out my surroundings. Dark, musty and apparently surrounded by rows and rows of switches and cables.

"Where _are_ we?"

"Comms room," Edward says. "Don't worry, nobody comes in here except IT support and that's only when there's a problem."

He places two quick kisses on my lips and hugs me closer to him. "I'm sorry for manhandling you into here, I just had to be alone with you for a minute."

"I'm not complaining," I tell him, running a hand through his insane hair.

"Thank you," he says softly. "For being an awesome PA. Not to mention the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

"Um, you're welcome?" I giggle nervously, suddenly very aware that we're alone in a hot, confined space and his body is so close and feels so right and smells so good...

He stares at me for a second, breathing slightly heavy. He slowly slides his eyes down the length of my body, and I shiver as if it were a touch.

"I haven't even told you yet how amazing you look today," he says softly, running his fingertips gently down my side and across my stomach. I feel goosebumps raise under my clothes in the wake of his touch.

"This dress is criminally sexy." He strokes the fabric of my grey shift dress at my hip. He pulls the shoulder strap aside and leans forward to gently suck my collarbone. I can't help the breathy moan that escapes my lips. His right hand travels further down from my hip, over the skirt of the dress until he reaches bare skin.

"And no stockings or tights today..." he whispers.

"It's hot, Edward." I whisper back, stupidly.

He chuckles against my throat. "Yes it is!"

His hand moves to the back of my bare thigh and all I can think about is feeling his touch between my legs.

He moves his mouth to mine and takes my bottom lip between his teeth pulling gently. We kiss while he draws lazy, teasing circles on my leg with his index finger.

I pull him closer to me, kiss him harder and he groans into my mouth. He suddenly lifts my leg and hooks it over his hip, then moves his fingers nearer and nearer to where I need him. He pauses when he reaches my panties, gathering the material at my hip in his fist.

He tugs gently. "What would you say if I tore these in half right now and kept them in my pocket all day?"

My breath hitches and I try to make sense of a mind that's turned to mush.

"Um, I'd say that was incredibly hot but also that I'm going out tonight straight from work and I'm not sure how you'd feel about me walking around commando in a crowded bar."

"Hmmm, how well you know me, Miss Swan. Yes there is no way I'm letting you close to other men like that."

He pauses, I feel his breath in my ear and then -

"Well I guess this will have to do then."

He slips his fingers inside my underwear and circles my clit. I cry out in surprise and arousal and he quickly places his mouth back on mine to swallow my sounds.

"Edward, what are you _doing_?" I gasp out, even though it's pretty obvious.

His voice is a throaty growl.

"I'm making you come."

Holy fuck. This man and his mouth.

I try to keep a hold of my rapidly dissolving thoughts.

"Someone might come in!" I whisper/shriek.

He quickens his motions and pulls back to stare at me, his eyes intense but his lips twitching in the slightest hint of a smirk.

"Come quickly then."

_Jesus._

He continues his rapid ministrations, somehow gentle and rough at the same time. I kiss him and wrap my hand around the back of his head. I reach my other hand out and grip on whatever is there which happens to be a bunch of cables.

He slips his fingers down a little.

"So wet, Bella. Do you like being in here, like this? Does it turn you on?"

"You," I gasp. "Just you turn me on."

"You too, baby," he whispers. "Just watching you from my desk drives me crazy."

He uses his free hand to gather my hair into a ponytail in his fist. "Did you wear your hair loose on purpose today? For me? To drive me crazy?"

"Yes," I admit.

"Naughty girl," he murmurs, slipping one finger slowly inside me.

"Wow!" he exclaims, before realising where he is and lowering his voice again. "You feel so much more open today, baby." I can feel his smile against my throat.

I can only assume it's because I want Edward inside me in a way I never wanted Jake.

He moves his finger in and out of me while brushing my clit over and over with his thumb and my orgasm is suddenly _right there_.

_Yes yes yes yes._

It takes all my willpower not to cry it out loud.

"That's it, Bella. Come on, baby..." Edward says in the softest of whispers.

I push harder against is hand and fall off the edge. The cry in my throat is suddenly cut off when he puts his free hand over my mouth. _Oh my god._

Trembling I slowly regain my senses. He pulls me close and kisses my head.

"So beautiful," he murmurs. I wrap my arms around him and realise there are cables loose now where I had been gripping. I glance down and realise it's way too dark for me to have any idea how they go back in. Shit, I really hope they weren't connecting anything important.

I'm aware of Edward's erection still grazing my hip and slip my hand down towards it but he grabs my wrist and shakes my head.

"No, Sweetheart. We have to get back out there. DCI Jess will be sending the rumour mill into overdrive."

I nod. "Later?"

He grins. "What do you reckon?"

I smile back and then realise I have to actually go back to my desk now.

"I can't believe you did that. Look at the state of me now!" I tease.

Edward gives me an exaggerated leer and says, "I think you look amazing. Do you have any idea how difficult it will be to keep this hard-on at bay when I look at the flush on your face and chest and know that I put it there?"

I seriously can't stop smiling. _Bad Bella._

"Okay, now off you go." Edward says, slapping my ass playfully and reaching for the door handle. "I'll stay here for a second until things, um, calm down. And so we get back separately."

"Okay," I say, planting one more quick kiss on his lips. I straighten my clothes and somehow remember to grab my abandoned photocopies before slipping out of the door.

Thankfully the corridor is still deserted and I make my way back to my desk on shaky legs. I stop briefly at the ladies room to check my reflection and run my hands over my hair. I can't help grinning at myself in the mirror. _You're a long way from Forks now, Bella Swan._

Predictably, Jess is at her desk and ready to pounce when I get back.

"What took you so long?" She asks, brow furrowed.

"Paper jam," I lie smoothly. Hell, I'm getting better at this!

"You look a little...flushed." Jess remarks, eyeing me pointedly.

_Don't you dare smile, Swan._

"You know how stuffy it gets in there." I suddenly notice her casual stance, leaning back on her chair, magazine in hand.

"What's going on, anyway? Why aren't you working?"

"Oh there's a problem with the Internet and the server went down. Something must have been disconnected or something."

_Fuuuck._

**A/N**

**Pervert that I am, I'm now kinda desperate to know about your sexiest office encounters. I've never personally had a fling with a colleague, I have a couple of friends who keep me entertained though - one is clearly a traditional girl and went for the stationery cupboard and another used to meet her beau for funtimes in the stairwell! Until they found out about the CCTV that is...**

**Please regale me with your stories and maybe I can turn it in to a futuretake? ;-)**

**A few more days left to donate to Fandom4Heros if you want a peek inside Ed's head during Chapter 10 and, in other news, I'm donating a one-shot to Fandom4Children too (summary below). **

**Red Elephants - A vacation in Kenya brings Bella face to face with a lot more than the big cats when a gorgeous philanthropist crosses her path. Can one trip change your life forever? AH. E&B. Rated M for language and lemons.**

**You can donate here - fandom4children. blogspot. com**

**Thank you**

**Amber x **


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own a Facebook account with lots of deliciously dirty friends... :-P**

**A/N**

**Once again, thanks to everyone who continues to support this story and offers me wonderful feedback. Thank you to Trip for not only knowing the difference between a colon and a semi-colon but also for being a fountain of knowlege on so many things and preventing this plot from going off the rails. **

**Special thanks as well to my new pre-readers from across the pond, _dreamalittledream83_ and _ladyeire3_, who will be helping me to keep Bella all American!**

**_ladyeire3_ is currently posting a hilarious piece called A Boy, A Girl and A Couple of Kilts. If you aren't already, you really should check this out for an overdose of fun and giggles. Edward wears a kilt, _traditionally_. Now if that doesn't tempt you I don't know what will? ;-)**

**EPOV**

I can count on one hand the number of women, outside of those related to me, who have spent any real amount of time in my flat. And up until three weeks ago I would have sworn that wasn't likely to change any time soon. I like my space and I don't like feeling stifled, restricted or harassed, and any woman wishing to reside in my environment for longer than one night would surely have made me feel that way.

But now everything is different. I'm not entirely sure how it is or why, but I'm certainly not uncomfortable having a woman in my home. One particular woman at least.

As I watch Bella dashing around my kitchen, chopping tomatoes, throwing ingredients in a pan and generally making a mess of my pristine granite worktops, I wait for the feeling of irritation to wash over me, for my jaw to clench in annoyance and my brain to run through it's selection of tried and tested excuses to get rid of her. But it doesn't happen. I feel nothing but calm and happy.

The Edward of three weeks ago wouldn't even recognise me in the mirror right now and I couldn't care less.

"What the hell are you staring at, Edward Cullen?"

She turns towards me with a smile and the corners of my mouth automatically lift too as if just witnessing her happiness is enough to trigger mine.

"You," I tell her softly, putting my hands on her apron-covered waist and pulling her towards me. She lifts her eyes to mine and I slowly kiss each corner of her mouth, then the centre and then I pull her bottom lip gently with my teeth. I can't understand why kissing her still feels so new and fresh, when kissing any other woman would always get so old so quickly. She tastes like tomatoes.

"Yum," I whisper, kissing her jaw and running my hand down to her backside, pulling her tighter to me. She nuzzles my throat and my ever-honest heart thumps harder. At least now my heartbeat and I are on the same page.

"Edward..." She whines a little and struggles playfully out of my arms. "Do you want to be responsible for another ruined lasagne?" Her brown eyes are bright and teasing and that makes me want to kiss her even more. But I do also want lasagne. It's a tough call.

Friday nights used to be for pulling and getting drunk. Now I want nothing more than to fill them to the brim with Bella.

"Can I help?" I ask, when she goes back to the hob.

"I don't know. Can I trust you not to burn anything?"

I smirk. "It's debatable."

The intercom buzzes and I frown, I'm not expecting anyone but maybe Jasper is. He has been sleeping on my sofa bed while he looks for a flat, which I'll admit is a bit of a mood killer for Bella and I. Although he does work very long hours, god bless his heart.

"Hello?"

"Hi Bro!" comes the chipper reply.

I frown and buzz Alice up, a few moments later she appears at my front door, vibrating with nervous energy and way more dressed up than usual.

"Alright," I greet. "Did we have plans that I then forgot about?"

_Because you are definitely about to get blown out for the hot bird currently prettying up my kitchen._

"Nope," she smirks. "I'm not here to see you."

Oh I _see_. She finally wants to confess, does she? Now should I make this very easy or very difficult...?

I'm not an idiot but you'd think my sister and best mate think I am from the way they have been trying to hide the most obvious romance in history.

Clue number one. Within 24 hours of him crashing unexpectedly into my flat, bag in hand, I caught Jasper texting someone with a half-grin on his face. I questioned him and he overreacted completely and told me it was none of my business.

Clue number two. Last Sunday I'm walking home from Bella's when I see Alice heading down to the tube. She doesn't live in Camden and she knew I wasn't home. When I questioned her she said she'd forgotten but when I invited her to come to mine now then she said it was too late and she had to go.

Clue number three. Alice has been avoiding my calls for a week and J couldn't look me in the eye when he headed into the bathroom almost an hour ago. And what can possibly take an hour if you're a bloke? Unless it's a date.

So I'm fairly certain Inspector Cullen has solved the case here.

"Hey, Bella!" Alice says, by means of distracting me.

"Hi Alice," Bella smiles shyly. "You look great."

Bella moves her gaze from my sister's flashy outfit to me and offers a coy grin. She's been my partner in this investigation.

"Yes, that is a slutty, sorry _lovely_, dress, Alice. Bit much though, isn't it? As you and Jasper are obviously just friends."

I stare at her and force my smirk away, painting my face in disapproval.

Alice clears her throat. "Well, the thing is—"

"And here he is now! Looking pretty dapper himself," I say loudly as Jasper comes down the stairs.

"What?" His eyes land on my sister and flash with panic. God, this is too much fun. "Erm, hi Alice. You're here. In here. I thought—"

"I figured we should do it now, rather than later, I don't want it hanging over our evening, you know?" She watches him with a nervous expression and I fight down a chuckle.

"What the fuck is going on?" I demand, making my voice as hard as I can while I catch Bella out of the corner of my eye pretending to examine the oven timer to hide her smirk.

Jasper stands next to Alice in what is presumably supposed to be a united front.

"So the thing is, mate, Alice and I aren't just...friends any more." The genuine hint of fear on his face makes me feel powerful and also like I might burst out laughing at any moment.

I inject some fake venom. "What?"

Alice shifts her feet and pulls up to her full four feet ten, lifting her chin indignantly "We're together, okay? And you needn't go all over protective on me because it's none of your business."

I take a step closer to J. "So what you're telling me is that you're fucking my sister when you're still married?"

"Um, well, I guess but Maria and I, it's over. You know that right? So it's fine really. Nothing to get in a twist over, right Ed?" He smiles nervously while Bella rolls her eyes at me from behind them, laughing silently.

As soon as I see Bella lose it. I can't hold it in any longer. Alice and Jasper stare at me while I laugh hysterically before Alice explodes.

"For fucks sake, Ed! You knew. You knew all this time and you were just having a wind up."

"'Course I bloody knew! Shit, you don't have to be fucking Poirot to work out that you two are having it off!"

"You're such a wanker, you know that?" Alice tries to shoot me daggers but I can tell she's fighting a smile. I pull her into a bear hug and ruffle her perfectly styled hair while she struggles under my grip.

"You love it, Sis. Now fuck off out of my flat and have a good time."

J grins at me in relief while Alice leads him out the door.

"That was evil," Bella says, giggling.

"Oh they deserved it, the cheeky buggers." I plant a quick kiss on her mouth. "I'm very glad they are gone though."

The oven timer pings.

"Hungry?" Bella asks.

I run my eyes over her body and feel hungrier and happier than I've felt in years.

"Always," I whisper, pulling her towards me.

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry."<p>

She whispers those two words into the darkness and I feel the same, familiar ache I feel every time she says them. Which is often. Way too fucking often.

I do the only thing I know how to do, cuddle her closer to my chest, hold her tighter, and be as comfortingly as I can.

"What have I told you about apologising?" I say, softly.

She pauses and when she speaks her voice breaks. "I can't help it. I feel so guilty."

Her voice is so soft I can barely hear her with her face turned away from me. But I feel the wetness of her silent tears as they track down her face and onto my arm.

"Bella," my own voice comes out a little choked. "Shhh. Baby, it's okay."

I've never felt more useless in my life. I've made plenty of mistakes, done plenty of moronic and ridiculous things but I've never felt so utterly powerless as I do in these moments.

The truth is the last three weeks have been incredible...except we haven't had sex.

I'm okay with that.

No, that's a lie. I want her. I want to feel her and be inside her and be connected with her in that way so, so badly. But I want her to be happy more.

But Bella is definitely not okay. I think she thought things would be different with us, and to a certain extent they are. She says I give her more pleasure that Jake could have even dreamed of. She says I make her feel safe and wanted and happy and he never did. She says she wants me in a way she never wanted him.

But physically things haven't changed for her. Everything is still tense and painful and even putting two fingers inside her, which we tried again tonight, is difficult.

I know the truth of it and deep down so does she. This is not something we can magically fix with a huge dose of lust and physical chemistry. No amount relaxing bubble baths or alcohol or hours of foreplay are going to make this problem go away.

She needs help from someone other than me, and that makes me feel useless, weak and pathetic.

I hear her take a deep, shaky breath.

"This is why I didn't want this, Edward."

My body tenses and my heart jumps in my chest.

"What?" I whisper, afraid now.

"This is why I pushed you away. You don't deserve this...this fucked up girl you can't fuck!" She laughs bitterly.

"This is why we shouldn't be together."

_No._

_Fuck no._

"Bella, turn around."

I feel her shake her head, I can't stand that I can't see her eyes.

"Sweetheart, please look at me."

She reluctantly rolls over and her red, tear-stained face just about breaks my heart.

"Please don't say that, baby." I practically beg.

"You deserve better than this, Edward."

"I don't! Christ, you deserve better than me! If you knew some of the things I've done you wouldn't think I deserve any woman. Least of all one as amazing as you."

She casts her eyes down and I can tell not a single thing I'm saying is reaching her.

"Do you want to be with me, Bella?"

I'm frightened to hear the answer but I need to know it. I'm in too deep with her not to.

"It's not fair on you," she whispers.

I hold her face in my hands, rest my forehead against hers and force her to look into my eyes.

"Forget about that stuff. Forget about sex and what you think is or isn't fair on me. Do _you_ want to be with _me_?"

She stares at me. I hold my breath.

"Of course I do."

I let out a rush of air, kiss her several times in relief.

"Then that's all that matters."

She pulls back. "How can you say that? How can you not be bothered by this?"

I consider my response carefully. "Baby, I'm not going to lie and say I don't I want to be with you that way. _Of course_ _I do_. But we can make it better, we can get there. I know we can. What I'm saying is that isn't the most important thing."

I stroke my fingertips gently across her cheekbones, her lips, her chin, graze then down her neck. She shivers and I watch my hand tremble too.

"The most important thing is how we feel, right?"

She nods, slowly.

Three words creep their way up from deep inside and into my throat; three words that have been hovering around my mind like spectres for days. If I release them I can't decide if they will choke me or save me.

I know Bella isn't Tanya, she couldn't be further from her. I know what we have is different and right and that there is no way it can end the same way. But if I release those words into the world then I give Bella my heart, shuddering and bloody on a silver platter, and that terrifies me.

I pull her into my arms, hide my face in her neck.

"You know how much I care about you, don't you? You know how crazy I am about you?"

Maybe I can show her and make her see without actually uttering the words that will chain me, bind me and leave me wide open.

"I need you in my life." I whisper. It's a poor second.

I feel her tears again, this time against my neck.

"I need you, too, Edward. I want to work this out. I want to be together."

I let relief wash over me but can't help but chastise myself. Maybe my name should be Cop-out Cullen. Or Coward, that works too.

I release her from my tight grip and kiss her.

"I do think though, that maybe it's time we thought about other options."

She nods, swallows.

"Are you ready to talk to someone? To a professional?"

"Yeah, I guess. It's just it really didn't help before and -"

I interrupt her. "This is different. I'm not Jacob. This isn't Forks. This is so entirely different and you don't have to be frightened, okay?"

"Okay," she replies but I know she is. And why shouldn't she be after everything that happened? Who would want to relive all that? But I feel certain she needs to.

"Promise you'll think about it?"

She nods, kisses me, burrows into my chest. I watch her for a few moments and then she closes her eyes.

It's another hour before I finally collapse into sleep. Those three words continue to fly back and forth across my mind, searching blindly for an exit in the dark. But every door they find to the outside is firmly shut and locked.

* * *

><p>The next morning we get up late and Bella heads out to meet Angela for lunch. I'm pleased that she has found a friend in her. I know Bella is desperate to confide in her about us but feels she can't trust her yet, because she works for Volturi. I'm getting a little tired of sneaking around, although we haven't been quite so brazen at work since Bella's excitement inadvertently shut down the Internet for over an hour, I still can't help sniggering at the memory. I've been working out exactly how I'm going to approach Aro with this as soon as Bella realises it's the best option and gives me permission to tell him the truth.<p>

I use the time without Bella to research. I crack open my laptop and type one word into Google - _vaginismus_. Considering it wasn't something I had ever heard of in my life before Bella's confession I'm surprised by how much information there is. I start to read.

_A woman suffering from vaginismus does not consciously control the spasm. The vaginismic reflex can be compared to the response of the eye shutting when an object comes towards it. The severity of vaginismus, as well as the pain during penetration varies from woman to woman._

Not just from woman to woman it seems but from each time with the_ same_ woman. I've come to realise there are times when Bella is a lot more relaxed and open than others but I can't seem to find any correlation between those moments and what specifically we have been doing just beforehand. It seems random and uncontrollable, which is frustrating as fuck. The blinking metaphor is comforting though, it is reassuring to see in black and white that this isn't about Bella just not wanting to be with me deep down. She really doesn't control it. _Control._ That word again. Maybe it is just a case of her taking back control of that part of her body from her subconscious?

The list of possible causes is long and varied, ranging from the obvious like sexual assault, abuse or rape, to the more obtuse; stress, generalised anxiety and just the simple initial fear that first time intercourse would be painful leading to a vicious circle of tense muscles to pain to fear and back to tense muscles again. It seems some women have a cause of this and for others it is unknown. I have no idea how this applies to Bella - would she have been afraid and had difficulty with sex even if her first time with Jacob had been different, or hadn't been with Jacob at all? Or was it that first incident that was the catalyst for her having this condition in the first place? I realise that ultimately it doesn't really matter; all that matters is making it better. All I want to do is get her well, safe and happy.

There seems to be two main treatments; therapy for the psychological causes and "dilators" in various sizes to physically ease the problem. Reading about the latter just puts the image of Bella putting these things inside her in my mind and then I feel a little sickened with myself when that visual turns me on! It's pretty clear to me that because of everything she has been through, first and foremost Bella needs to speak to a therapist. I just hope she agrees to it.

When I'm alone like this there is still this niggling fear in the back of my mind. What if none of this works? What if the situation can't be made right? What about us, am I going to live without penetrative sex forever? Forever is a scary concept in itself but now I've fallen this far I can't imagine being without her and that's enough to trigger all my own fears. But stripped back to basics, I know all I want right now is Bella so I have to believe we'll be okay. I know there are still plenty of things she doesn't know about me, about my past, and I'll admit I've been reluctant to share them with her, afraid that she wont want me any more. But another part of me wants her to know everything, wants her to_ know_ me.

Starting with where I come from.

I need to make a call.

The phone rings for a long time but I let it, knowing she is probably in the garden.

"Hello?" It's a voice that personifies home to me.

"Hi Mum."

"Eddie!" The happiness and surprise in her tone makes guilt twist through me. I have been avoiding her because I don't want to see _him_ and I know that isn't fair.

"How you doing?"

I let her prattle on for a few minutes about all the local gossip; her friend's roses and a new Primark that's opening down the high street. Finally, I say:

"Mum, I've got a bit of a favour to ask. Well, a request really."

"What is it, love?"

"I want to come and see you, maybe next weekend -"

"Well that's no favour! Oh my goodness, we'd love to see you. You haven't been home for so long!"

I smile, missing her. Missing everything.

"Well that's not the favour really. Would it be okay if I bring someone with me?"

"Jasper?" She guesses. Sometimes I take J to Essex in summer.

"No, erm, a woman."

It may be the longest I've ever known my mother to not speak.

"You...you want to bring a woman home? Here?"

The disbelief in her voice would be almost comical if it weren't so fucking pathetic. In truth, I have never once brought a girl home, besides Tanya.

"Yeah. Would that be all right with you?"

"Well yes! Yes of course! I'm just surprised, Eddie, that's all."

"Yeah I am a little too." I chuckle.

"So is she...? I mean, are you..? Will she be staying..._with_ you? Or should I pull out the sofa bed?"

I laugh fully now.

"Yes, she'll be staying with me." I answer, still sniggering.

"Don't laugh at me, young man. How am I supposed to know? You kids these days, there are so many bloody _rules_. Alice talks about different boys every time we speak but she doesn't let me call any of them her boyfriend. This woman could just be a friend for all I know!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. In fact she was my friend actually."

"And now?" Mum asks with such anticipation you'd think I was about to give her the winning lotto numbers.

"Now she's..."

_Gorgeous._

_Wonderful._

_The woman I think I'm falling in love with._

"...more."

"Well I am so happy, love. Honestly. And I can't wait to meet her. So next weekend, yeah?"

"Well I'll have to check but yeah probably. I'll let you know."

"Alright." Her tone turns more serious. "Listen, Eddie, Dad will be so happy to see you too."

I flinch. "It's really nice of you to say that, but I think we both know it isn't true."

"I wish...well I just wish you understood each other better."

"We're different, Mum."

"Not as much as you'd think."

I really hope that isn't true as I really don't wish to be like him at all.

"Well whatever. We'll see you, both of you I guess, then."

I pause swallowing down the sudden lump in my throat. "I miss you, you know?"

"I miss you too," she whispers and I decide to end the conversation before she starts crying. Or worse, _I_ do.

Just before I hang up she stops me "Oh, Ed, wait. You didn't say, what's your girl's name?"

I grin. "Bella."

"_Bella_," she repeats the word and it sounds so familiar, like she has known it all along. It makes me feel warm.

* * *

><p>Two hours later the buzzer goes and I practically fly to the door, excited to ask Bella about next weekend, but when I open it her expression is hard, upset.<p>

I usher her inside and halfway into my arms. "Hey, baby, what's wrong?"

She pulls away from me and stares.

"You need to tell me the truth, _right now_."

Fear grips tightly around my chest. "The truth about what?"

"About you and Rosalie Hale."

**A/N**

**Dun dun DUN! Sorry about the cliffy, dudes ;-)**

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**Thanks as always, A x**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns these characters, I just like pretending half of them are English.**

**A/N (apologies in advance for the length of today's notes!)**

**Due to your generous voting a few weeks back The Search is now up for TLS Fic of the Month. If you can spare your vote, I'd really appreciate it. Link below (remove the spaces) but if that doesn't work just visit www. tehlemonadestand. blogspot. com and click on "Fic of the Month". **

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**THANK YOU to the lovely _dragonfly336_ who has reviewed The Search on Indie Fic Pimp this week, this is a great blog and you guys should all check it out. By coincidence _dragonfly336 _also wrote one of my favourite angsty one-shots _Downward Spiral_ - very dark but so beautiful. **

**Huge thanks to Trip for fixing my metaphors and ****_everything_ _else_. And to**** _dreamalittledream83_ and _ladyeire3 _for pre-reading.**

**This chapter comes with a minor angst warning, be sure to put your seatbelts on.**

**EPOV**

April 2003

_"Are you sure about this, Ed?" My sister is using her serious face, which is pretty hard to take seriously with her new nose piercing distracting me. Dad is going to flip and I for one can't wait to see that._

_"Why would you ask that?" I frown._

_Alice purses her lips and speaks carefully._

_"I just don't understand the rush. You're only 20 right? Most people aren't thinking about getting married for like another ten years!"_

_I look back down to the display of diamond rings in front of me. Alice is so annoying when she pretends to be all worldly wise, when in fact she's a year younger than me._

_"Why do I have to do what most people do? It's quite simple, Sis; I love Tanya. I've loved her for the last three years and now I want to marry her."_

_Alice sighs and I try to hold my temper. I know she's just looking out for me but for fucks sake!_

_"I just want to make sure that is _definitely_ the reason."_

_I snort. "Well it's obviously not the only reason I'm doing it right now."_

_Alice grabs my arm urgently. "That's what I'm talking about! You don't have to marry her just because she's pregnant. What decade do you think we're in?"_

_Embarrassed, I pull Alice away from the jewellery display and whisper hastily. "I know that, Dipshit. What part of "we love each other" wasn't clear?"_

_I drag my hand through my hair, it's gotten crazy long lately and it's a freakin' mess truth be told. I make a mental note to get it cut before Saturday night; Tanya likes it shorter._

_I take a deep breath._

_"Alice, please just be happy for me okay? For us."_

_I know my sister has never really warmed to Tanya but I'm sure it's just because they haven't really spent that much time together. Plus I guess they don't have that much in common. But I'm hoping things will change now, they have me in common, right? And I know Alice will be really excited when the baby comes._

_"Ed, I _am_ happy for you, I promise. I'm just...checking."_

_I throw my arm around her. "Well, there's no need to check because I'm fine and I'm really excited about all of it."_

_I grin and she reluctantly smiles back._

_"Anyway, to be honest, I expected you to be a lot more enthusiastic about being an auntie!" I ruffle my hand over her spiky, purplish hair and she pushes me away, laughing._

_"I am excited about that. Seriously. I'm already planning all the little outfits I'm going to get her!"_

_I roll my eyes. "Or _him_."_

_The truth is, when Tanya told me she was pregnant I did freak out for just a little while. I mean, I _am_ only 20, and Tanya and I are just about to graduate. It wasn't exactly planned. But we're in a better position than some, right? It's not like we're in high school. After all the exams are finished I'll get as many hours as I can at a summer job and start researching proper jobs. Of course this would be simpler if I actually knew what I wanted to do but I'm not too worried, it will all work out. And once I get my results I can start applying for __stuff._

_We'll get our own little flat, I can move out of the shithole I share with Tyler, and it'll be great. It's basically what we were going to do anyway, just a couple of years earlier._

_The best part about it is the baby is something that will connect Tanya and I forever and that's so awesome. Sometimes I still can't understand how I managed to snag such a beautiful, wonderful girlfriend but I'm just going to count my blessings and shut up. I get most excited when I imagine what the baby is going to look like, which features it will have of mine and which of hers. It's scary as fuck but now I've had a couple of weeks to get used to the idea, I can't wait. Tanya is excited too, but I think she's still a little scared and nervous, but that makes sense. She's probably just worried about us and what the plan is, she'll feel so much better once we're engaged._

_I turn to Alice. "So, can we go back in there now, and you can help me pick out a totally wicked ring but that fits within the most meagre of budgets?"_

_Her smile still doesn't quite reach her eyes._

_"Sure, come on."_

_Twenty minutes later we've picked a ring that I can afford but which is still good enough for Tanya._

_"Okay, I'd better go." Alice says, leaning up to kiss my cheek. "Gotta help set up for this party tonight. You coming by later?"_

_"I'll try," I reply. "Depends what Tanya's doing."_

_"Of course it does," Alice mutters, rolling her eyes, before turning to go. "See you later, Bro."_

_"Bye."_

_I'm a few strides away when I hear Alice's tiny footsteps running back. I turn around and she suddenly wraps her arms around me in a tight hug._

_"Be careful," she practically whispers into my chest._

_I don't mind admitting I'm a little unnerved by this. My sister is the most positive, enthusiastic person on the planet but on the odd occasion she'll get something stuck in her mind and will become really weird about it._

_"Hey, Ali," I gently peel her off of me and look at her. "What's going on? Be careful about what?"_

_"I just have one of my weird feelings, okay?"_

_My heart pounds a little faster, sometimes the vibes Alice picks up are staggeringly accurate. A cold fear slides into my chest._

_"Is it about the baby?" I ask, eyes wide._

_She quickly shakes her head. "No. No, I don't think so, more about you. And, um, Tanya."_

_I roll my eyes. "I promise you don't have to worry about that, we're solid. God, Ali, you're as bad as Tyler! He's so fucking suspicious of her, always warning me to be careful and stuff. She's never been anything but nice to him."_

_Although they do say smoking a fuckload of pot makes you paranoid, so maybe that's behind the suspicions of my hapless housemate/best friend._

_Alice stares at me for a moment, looking like she wants to say more but then changes her mind._

_"Okay. See you later then?"_

_I smile, bemused. "Yeah, maybe."_

_I watch her walk up the street, shaking my head. My sister is kind of mental, but I love her anyway._

* * *

><p><em>As I'm putting my key in the door I'm collared by Mr Khan, our landlord and owner of the Indian takeaway below mine and Tyler's dingy flat.<em>

_"Oi, Eddie!"_

_What the fuck is it this time?_

_I turn to face him. "Yes?"_

_"Where is your rent? You promise it last week but nothing!" He throws up his hands. "You are now one month in arrears."_

_"Hold up, I've given you the rent. Well I gave it to Tyler to give you...fucks sake!"_

Tyler._ Jesus, I love the bloke but he is such an irresponsible little shit. I gave him my half of the rent on Monday but now I'm worried what the fuck has happened to it. Living with Tyler was fun at first; nothing but drinking and having a laugh getting mashed on some extremely impressive weed he always managed to score off his brother-in-law. Now it's a year later, the drugs are gone and he can't manage something as simple as paying the rent cheque._

_Annoyed, I reassure Mr Khan that it's just a misunderstanding that I'll sort out straight away and angrily stomp upstairs. Inside I side-step the lager cans and pizza boxes in my hunt for my useless flatmate._

_"Tyler!"_

_That's odd. That's Tanya's jacket over the back of the sofa. She must have left it last night. I chuck it in my room away from the smell of puff and potential lager spillage. Weird though, I could have sworn I remember her putting it on..._

_"Tyler, open up." I bang on his bedroom door, there is music playing but he's probably passed out._

_...Yeah, because didn't she put her hands in the pocket and offer me some of the Chewits she found...?_

_I then hear some very distinct sounds coming from his room. Okay, not exactly _sleeping_ then. Fuck it, I don't care if he does have a bird in there this needs to be sorted._

_"Tyler, put your fucking dick away and tell me what the hell happened to my half of the rent!" I yell louder this time so he can hear me over the music._

_The sounds stop and I hear a lot of panicked female whispering. I grin. _Easy, girl, I'm not about to storm in and eye up your tits.

_But there is something distinctly familiar about her voice. And now I hear Tyler scrambling around too and..._

_..Tanya definitely took her jacket home last night._

_When I push open the door the first thing I see is Tanya's face._

_Her face._

_His voice._

_Her jeans on the floor._

_His bunched up grubby sheets._

_The smell. The smell of sex._

_I stumble away from the door and find the couch and it feels like maybe my brain has stopped working._

_Because that can't be real. That _wasn't_ real._

_She's beside me and I can smell her; perfume and sweat and...sex._

Not with me. Not with me. Not with me.

_She's talking I think but I'm not listening. She touches me and I flinch away on instinct. Her hands. Her hands were..._

_Then I hear his voice and something snaps._

_I lift my head and he's looking at me with fear and pleading and fucking guilt all over his face._

_"Ed, please mate, it's not what you think."_

_The cliché brings me back to reality._

_I stand up and grab him. My best friend._

_"It's not what I think? It's not what I think!"_

_I drag him, shove him, slam his head against the wall._

_"Ed!" Tanya. _Oh God, Tanya Tanya Tanya_._

_"You mean I didn't just walk in on you fucking my girlfriend. My _pregnant_ girlfriend!"_

_His eyes are as wide as saucers and I realise this is news to him. And, oh Jesus, this is news to me too and she's pregnant but the baby...they were fucking and..._

_"Get the fuck out of here," I'm saying I think but I barely recognise my own voice. I can feel my hand on his throat. "Get the fuck out of here before I fucking kill you."_

_I watch as he scrambles out of the door but I notice the wide-eyed look he shoots Tanya and that look says everything. _She's pregnant she's pregnant she's pregnant.

_There's silence and I feel her move nearer to me but she doesn't touch me this time._

_"Ed, look at me," she whispers. That voice. I always loved her voice. "Please let me explain, Baby."_

Baby baby baby.

_I make it to the bathroom just in time to throw up._

* * *

><p><em>"How long, Tanya?" I've already asked her this question several times. She's avoiding it.<em>

_She's crying but I'm not. I'm numb._

_"Please, Ed," she sobs. "It's not like you and me. It's nothing. _He's_ nothing. Please listen to me."_

_I turn to face her but looking at her rips my heart in half so I look away again._

_"I will listen when you answer one question; how long?"_

_"Ed, I love you. Please! You have to forgive me."_

_"You love me?" I can't control the shake in my voice. "You fucking _love_ me? If you love me then why the fuck would you do this?"_

_The numbness is leaking away, but behind it all I can see is red hot pain so I try to grab it back. I chase after it. I want numb, just a little more numb._

_She's sobbing now and it further enrages me. What right does she have to sob? She's destroyed us._

_"I don't know," she whispers._

_"For the last time, Tan, how fucking long?"_

_I finally manage to hold my eyes on hers. I loved her eyes, so beautiful, but now I hate them because they tell me everything I need to know._

Long enough.

_"A few months," she finally whispers before another sob takes over._

_Everything I wanted, my whole future, three fucking _years_ is reduced to nothing. To just three words._

_And all I can see in my mind is condoms. Packets and packets of them. I've been such an idiot._

_"It's not mine," I whisper. I don't know if I'm relieved or not. I wanted that baby so much, I already loved it. But I wanted it with her and now I can't even look at her._

_"It might be, Ed. It could be." She grabs hold of my arm, then my face, her eyes desperate. "We can fix this, Baby.. If you can forgive me, we can be a family. Like you wanted."_

_Like _I_ wanted. Did she ever want that?_

_"It's not my baby, Tanya." The more I say it the more real it becomes._

_"It could be!"_

_"NO!" I roar and I think it surprises us both._

_"We used condoms, you stupid bitch!" She flinches at my words, I'm not sure I've ever called a woman that before. "Every. Fucking. Time!"_

_I've been a moron, a fool. I hate myself more than her. I love her. _Oh God.

_"They don't always work," she whispers and I think even she knows she's clutching at straws._

_I try to keep my eyes hard, hold back my pain._

_"Did you use them every time with him?"_

_Silence._

_"Did you, Tan?"_

_She shakes her head and I know I have to get out of there._

_At the door she grabs my sleeve, tries to pull me back but I shrug her off. I want nothing more than to hold her, feel her familiar arms around me and inhale her familiar scent. But I can't. She broke us._

_"Ed, we could still make this work." Her voice is determined, a little frightening even._

_"Tanya, why would you want to? Obviously, I'm not what you want. I mean, Jesus, what were you going to tell him? Don't you think he would have been a little concerned to find out you were fucking pregnant?"_

_I don't even know why I'm asking this or why I care, but I suddenly do._

_"How could you do this, Tanya? Let me raise someone else's kid?"_

_But suddenly I know the answer. It's as clear as day and I feel sick again._

_"Oh I get it. I'm the safer bet, eh? Good old Eddie, stick with him. I'm knocked up but he'll sort me out. He's got prospects, a future. What's the other guy got? Dirty sheets and a pot habit. You played the odds didn't you, Tan? And I was the better shot."_

_The look on her face tells me I'm right. And she knows it._

_"I love you, Ed." She whispers._

_"You don't." My own words stab me in the gut. "You would never have done this if you did."_

_And then I'm outside. I see Mr Khan opening the shop for the dinner session and I wonder how the fuck my life has changed so much in the last hour. I feel the small box in my pocket and have to stop, stagger, wondering if I'll heave again._

_I need someone. I need Alice._

_The party at Alice's is in full swing when I arrive. I stumble to her door and a couple of girls I don't recognise answer._

_They giggle and try to usher me inside. I can't. I don't._

_"Alice Cullen," I say, my voice breaking. "Please just get her for me."_

_I don't know how much longer I can hold on. The curtain of numb has drawn back and I feel like I'm falling into the abyss behind it._

_My sister's face appears and the familiarity of it physically hurts. She takes one look at me before shutting the door behind her and pulling me outside._

_"What's happened?" she whispers._

_I manage one word. _Tanya._ Then I feel the brick of the wall behind me and then the floor as I slide down towards it. Ali is beside me, she's so little that she practically gets in my lap. She wraps her tiny arms around me and pulls my head against her chest, stroking my hair. She smells like the sea, like comfort and home._

_It isn't until I feel the cold, damp of her top against my cheek that I realise those broken sobs are coming from me._

* * *

><p>When I stop talking it takes me a moment to remember where I am. It's been a long time since I allowed myself to properly think about Tanya, about the details, and for a moment I was still on the floor outside Ali's Halls of Residence.<p>

The one thing the draws me back, pulls me into the present, is the steady brown-eyed gaze in front of me.

_Bella._

The sight of her is like a warm blanket covering every inch of me and keeping that night far away. Now I've finished telling my story the silence in my flat seems thick and heavy. I wait for Bella's reaction.

Eventually, she says, "What happened to the baby?"

I swallow down a shard of pain and it scraps across my dry throat like broken glass.

"She had an abortion." I manage, jaw tight. "Tyler wasn't ready for that kind of commitment and I certainly couldn't forgive her."

Bella nods, I notice her eyes are a little watery. She opens her mouth to speak but seems hesitant, I know already what she is going to say.

"And it definitely wasn't...yours?"

I know the odds. I know it was almost impossible. Yes, I'd been sleeping with Tanya at that time but we'd always used protection and she hadn't with Tyler so it had to be his. Yet all this time there has been this tiny sliver of doubt. That somehow the condom hadn't worked and that baby, the baby we washed our hands of, was mine. And that is the part that hurts too much to think about.

I shake my head, determined. "It couldn't have been."

Now that the floodgates are open I seem unable to stop the flow of secrets.

"I went with her to the clinic."

Bella looks surprised.

"You did?"

I nod. "Even Alice doesn't know that. Tanya was a mess. She called me all the time, begged me to forgive her. I even considered it for a while. She was all I'd ever known, the only relationship I'd ever had. I missed her. But what I missed was how things had been before, and when I looked at her afterwards it was clear I was never going to feel like that again."

I pause, remembering.

"Once the decision had been made she begged me to go with her. She said she had nobody else and I figured I owed our three-year relationship something. So I went. It was..." My breath catches and I take a deep breath. "It was horrible, and that was the last day I ever saw her."

"I'm so sorry, Edward," Bella whispers. The need to be closer to her, to feel her in my arms, is overwhelming, but her body language tells me she isn't sure about that. She asked me a question that I haven't yet answered.

I take a deep breath. "I know you asked me about Rosalie, not Tanya, but you need to know about Tanya first; she's a big part of who I've been the last eight years."

Bella watches me, cautious.

"I guess you're familiar with my reputation." I chuckle, bitterly.

"Yes," she says. "But I don't know how much is true and how much is office hearsay."

I grit my teeth. "Oh it's mostly true I should think."

As well as bringing me so much happiness, being with Bella also seems to have brought with it a lot of clarity. It's like I have been stumbling through life in a haze of denial and the price I pay for Bella is being forced to look at my behaviour with new eyes. I know I need to tell her, I need her to know all of me, but I'm so afraid that she'll end up rejecting me when she does.

"After Tanya and I split up I felt like a different person. I was so angry, ridiculously angry really. I mean, Christ, I'm not the first person who has ever been cheated on, am I? And not everyone reacts like I did."

I study my hands, ashamed. "Women became disposable to me. I used them. I went on dates just for sex and never called them again once I had what I wanted. I started a fling with a friend from Uni who I knew had been harbouring feelings for me, knowing I didn't and would never feel the same."

"I justified my actions by telling myself that all women were like Tanya anyway, that they deserved it. I was, for want of a more eloquent phrase, a total bastard."

I glance up at Bella and she holds my gaze. Her eyes are soft but her expression mainly unreadable.

"Tanya made a mistake, and I spent several years punishing other women for it."

She puts her hand on my arm. "Edward, I'm sure you weren't that bad-"

"I was," I interrupt. "Trust me. You know that guy that your girlfriends warn you about getting involved with because he's such an arse-hole? Yep, that was me."

I plough on.

"A few years ago Aro employed Rosalie. As I said, he paired us up hoping we would be a good fit. We kinda were, although we bickered like children. She took a very different approach to almost everything."

"She reminded me of Tanya, I suppose. She was strong, sassy and she loved to boss me around. I wasn't entirely honest in the pub, Bella, when I said Rose and I were friends. I'm not sure anyone could ever really refer to how we interacted as friendship, but we weren't just colleagues either. We were sleeping together...for a while."

I look at Bella and her face is not surprised so I assume this isn't news to her.

"How long is a while?" She asks and I'm relieved that her tone is curious rather than accusing. I know what happened before we met is no concern of hers but I'm worried she might be upset that I withheld this information.

I shrug, unsure to be honest. "About six months. We were single, I was bored. We both knew the score. She knew I wasn't relationship material and she was fine with that."

Bella shakes her head a little sadly. "I'm not sure she was fine."

Curiosity finally getting too much for me I ask, "Why are you asking about this today, anyway? What did Ange and Jess tell you?"

"They didn't tell me anything. Rosalie did."

"Rose was _there_?" I'm caught a little off guard; this is no fella's ideal scenario.

"Yeah," Bella says. "You came up. I kept quiet but I got the gist."

"Did you tell them about us?" I wonder.

"No, but I think Rosalie suspects. She was asking me about the night of the party, when you dragged me away from her. I tried to say as little as possible. She...well, she warned me."

I swallow. "She warned you against me?"

Bella nods. "What happened just before she left Volturi, Edward?" She asks softly.

"I honestly thought things were fine between us. Rose plays her cards very close to her chest. But then one night, the day before Valentine's Day, she was being a little weird."

I can remember the conversation quite clearly. We'd just had sex and everything was normal, well as normal as things ever can be in a dysfunctional situation like ours. She asked me what I was doing the next day and if I wanted to hang out after work.

I cringe a little when I think of my response: "To fuck you mean?"

For the first time I could ever remember I saw hurt flash across Rose's face.

"Or we could get dinner or something?"

I sneered a little I think, said something about how that wasn't what we were about and that Valentine's Day is a load of bollocks anyway. "We're not exactly hearts and flowers, are we?" I'd said, "More like condoms and conference folders!"

I'd laughed and the instant I did Rose drew her guard back up. A small part of me had wondered, had thought maybe this _thing_ between us wasn't quite so casual for her but the real shame of it is I didn't really care. I was numb to it.

I turn back to Bella, shame coursing through me as the realisation of how I had really made that girl feel dawns on me.

"I guess, maybe, she had feelings for me. I made it quite clear that I didn't. We parted ways as normal and the next morning I get to the office and realise she isn't there. I was massively pissed off as we were due to do a presentation together. Aro calls me in and tells me Rose resigned, and wasn't going to work her notice."

Bella frowns. "So the stuff you said about her making a play for your clients, that wasn't true?"

"No that was totally true, and I was so fucking angry, I still am. But I guess the reasons behind it are only just becoming clear to me."

I drag my hand through my hair, assaulted by memories of every glib and cold remark I'd made to Rosalie. Every time I probably made her feel cheap. She's a good girl, and I treated her the way I wanted to treat Tanya.

"She was in love with you, I think." Bella whispers.

I shrug sadly, admitting "I don't know. Maybe."

I hold Bella's gaze, desperate to know what she is thinking.

"Are you disgusted with me?"

She bites her lip, shakes her head. "No. No, I'm just confused."

She stares at me. "I mean, what am I, Edward? Am I just a co-worker with benefits too? Did you and Rosalie sneak off to the Comms Room together as well?"

I grab both her hands in mine, dragging us closer.

"Baby, no. I promise it is _not like that_. You must know that by now."

I notice tears welling in her eyes. I hate that her insecurities have been brought to the surface by my past when I swore I would protect her.

"Listen to me. Since Rose I've kept everything even more casual. My feelings about relationships hadn't changed but I knew I didn't want to hurt anyone again."

I cup her face in mine, brush the single tear rolling down her cheek with my thumb.

"I was just coasting through life. Until I met you, Bella. You're, God you're _everything_. I've never felt this way before in my life! Please believe me, Sweetheart. You believe that, don't you?"

We stay with our eyes locked for the longest of moments, before she finally breathes "Yes."

I kiss her, gently at first, but that fire in us quickly escalates and I'm hungrier and hungrier for her in a way that I have never been before, even with Tanya, and how I'm realising I could never be with anyone else.

She pulls back and her expression is still so sad. "It's just, fuck Edward that's an awful lot of women who have given you more than I can give you."

"Hey, _no_," I practically growl, resting my forehead against hers and tightening my arms around her. "When will you realise, Bella? You've given me more than any of those other girls could dream of giving me. You've given me _myself_ back. I'm never going to be the person I was with Tanya ever again, and I don't want to be. That guy was weak and naive and pathetic. But I don't want to be the bastard who hurt Rosalie Hale either. You've shown me a better part of myself, Baby. You have to know that."

She nods slowly, kisses me.

_Say it, Cullen._

_Say those words that are burning a hole in the pocket of your heart._

But still I can't. Instead, I hold her so closely, this girl who is bringing me back to life.

"You're my second chance, Bella."

She snuggles closer. "You're mine, too," she whispers. "You're mine."

**A/N**

**Lots of hating on Rosalie last week but things aren't always what they seem - what are your thoughts now?**

**A lot of Ed and Ali's sibling relationship is based on me and my brother. During my late teens I came home after breaking up with my boyfriend, sat on the edge of the sofa and promptly burst into tears. My lil' bro put down his gaming controller for the first time in about a month, wrapped his skinny 15yo arms around me and just silently cuddled me for about half an hour. And then made me a sandwich. It's ten years later and he still gives awesome hugs :-)**

**Lastly, c**an I rec a little? Thanks to Soph Drea I have discovered an awesome D/s story this week called _Collared_ by _irishchicka1_ - Bella and Edward are cops who go undercover to infiltrate the local BDSM community. It's entertaining, funny and includes some of the hottest lemons I've read in a while, you won't regret it. ****

**Thank you so much for your support, and I'll see you in a fortnight when Britward wants to take you on a little field trip...**

**Amber x**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns these characters, but I'm taking them home. _ladyeire3 _owns a vast chunk of Emmett's email!**

**A/N**

**Thank you to everyone for your lovely response to the last chapter, Britward says thanks for all the offers of cuddles. Still a lot of folks not sold on Rosalie, I'll have to see what I can do about that. **

**Thank you to Trip for taking the mess I send her and sending it back polished and shiny. ****Thank you to the awesome _dreamalittledream83_ for pre-reading**** (oh I DO love teaching you new British words, H!) and extra special thanks to _ladyeire3 _this week for totally fixing the opening email from Emmett. A lot of Emmett's words are hers and she found his voice so perfectly - THANK YOU! x**

**This chapter, and the next, are pure self-indulgence because I ADORE the idea of having Twilight characters hanging around my hometown. I hope you guys enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them. **

**Shutting up now so Bella can begin her initiation into becoming an "Essex Girl" :-P**

**BPOV**

_Bells,_

_Hey! Glad I finally heard from you, I'd almost resorted to Facebook stalking and you know how much I hate that crazy shit._

_Moving on...Happy to hear you took my advice about getting back out there. Edward has a big ol' green check mark in the "positive" column after what you've said about him but I definitely still need to meet the guy to make sure he measures up to my high standards. It all sounds great but just remember don't fall too hard without making sure he is there with you, right? When can I come over and give him the McCarty seal of approval?_

_Seattle sucks without you and I might just lose my man card for this but I miss you, Bells...a lot._

_Oh crap. So I really don't want to have to relay this to you but Jake's been sniffing around the apartment again looking for you. I got a little rough with him this time, said that if he tried to contact you I'd call the cops, also mentioned that I'm still a witness to what he did so he should take this shit seriously. He was pretty wasted though, not sure how much he understood._

_He did mention Volturi and made it sound like he has information on where you are but that could just be drunk talk. I made sure I kept shit to myself._

_Be careful, babe, and CALL ME._

_Emmett x_

"What's that frown for, Gorgeous?" Edward's throaty, honey voice is warm in my ear and a welcome distraction from Emmett's warning.

He puts his strong arm around my shoulders as we sit side by side on the train to Essex and I snuggle eagerly into his body, inhaling his familiar pine scent and trying to steady my thumping heart. I know I should tell him about Jake but he'll worry so much and I don't want to do anything to ruin our weekend. Plus, if Jake is looking for me right now he won't find me anyway as we're going to be out of London for two days.

"Nothing," I smile up at him. "Just Emmett. I miss him, he misses me."

It's Edward's turn to frown a little. "Ah yes, the platonic male best friend. Now is this something I need to concern myself with?" His tone is teasing but I recognise the slightly jealous edge he seems unable to hide or control. Although after everything he told me about that fucking whore Tanya, I guess a little possessiveness is understandable.

I reach up and push a wayward piece of copper hair back off his face, staring into his emerald eyes.

"Absolutely not. We are just friends." I smile.

"And you and he have never...you know?"

I roll my eyes. "Edward, I've never really "you know'd" with anyone in case you've forgotten!"

His frown deepens. He hates it when I try to make light of my condition, I think he knows it's a defence mechanism. "Don't do that, baby. And you know what I mean, you've never...blurred the line of friendship?"

Em and I get this question a lot. People just can't seem to believe that two straight people of the opposite sex can be friends and nothing more. Jake's band of buddies in Forks seemed convinced that Emmett was partly behind our divorce when I first moved to Seattle.

"No we haven't," I answer Edward, totally honestly.

"Is he gay?"

This makes me chuckle; Emmett is a huge bear of a man's man, light-years away from being gay.

"No," I giggle, "Why would you draw that conclusion?"

Edward grins and I know his concerns are alleviated. He slowly lowers his incredible lips and captures my own. He places a gentle kiss on the side of my mouth before pulling my bottom lip between his. This seems to be his signature move and it makes my breath stutter every time.

Barely moving back he murmurs, "I just can't understand how any straight man can be around you as long as he has and even attempt to resist your charms."

I don't have a chance to reply, and I don't think a response is required anyway, before he kisses me again. He brushes my lips with his over and over, gently and persuasively and it reminds me of our first kiss in Soho. When he threads a hand into my hair I open my mouth and reach out my tongue to his while he does the same. He holds my face in his hands and I can't help the soft whimper that escapes me.

A few moments, and mutual wandering hands later, I break away and can feel someone's eyes on us. I look up.

"Edward, that guy is staring at us!" I say, gesturing to the man a few rows up the otherwise empty carriage. "I think maybe we're being inappropriate."

Edward shrugs, nonchalant. "I couldn't really give a toss. If I want to kiss my girlfriend on the train I will."

My heart thumps. Did he just say 'girlfriend'? Edward has spent the last month making it abundantly clear how much I mean to him but this is the first time he has actually referred to me in those terms. It's been a long time since I've been anybody's girlfriend. I'm so used to being Jake's wife and the connotations of that title aren't exactly pleasant. Of course, technically I am still legally married to Jake, for a couple more weeks until the final paperwork comes through at least, but I haven't considered myself that in a very long time.

'Edward Cullen's girlfriend' however, is a title I could definitely get used to.

"I can see the cogs turning in your head," he says. "What are you thinking about?"

Unwilling to draw attention to it, I just smile and give him another brief kiss.

"Nothing," I say. "I'm just happy."

Edward's smirk tells me he knows exactly what he said and what it means but he is silent, just pulling me closer and gazing out of the window as the London suburbs rush by.

My phone vibrates again.

"Somebody's popular today," Edward muses, smiling and nuzzling my neck.

I open the text and I know instantly that Edward must have seen who it was from when he stiffens a little. The name glares out at me from my iPhone screen: _Rosalie Hale._

"It's just about Angela's birthday," I tell him casually.

He shrugs but it looks a little forced.

"Okay, cool," he says, feigning indifference.

Edward can't understand why I still want to socialise with Rosalie, and I guess I see where he's coming from. I mean, hanging out with the ex-fuck buddy of your secret boyfriend after she let it slip how much he hurt her is perhaps a little awkward. But truth be told, she's actually kind of awesome. She is nothing like the aloof, fake person I met in Soho and who Edward, somewhat biasedly, described to me. I can see now that all the falseness and over-the-top attitude to Edward was just a shield she put up to protect her dignity, and I know a little about hiding behind yourself. Strangely we actually have quite a bit in common, besides the obvious, so when she asked me if I'd help with Angela's party I readily agreed. I know I really need to tell her about Edward and I. What sort of friendship can I expect to have otherwise? But because we're keeping it a secret from everyone at Volturi I can't risk mentioning it yet. In truth, it feels nice to have friends. Aside from Emmett I didn't really have anyone at home, at least nobody that wasn't Jake's friend first.

I'm fairly certain Rose knows about Edward and I anyway, and I will tell her. Soon. I wonder when things got so complicated again? I moved here for simplicity.

I must sigh out loud because Edward runs his fingers over my cheek and says:

"Hey, it's okay that you're spending time with her. I promise. I'm pleased that you have friends here."

I turn to him and smile. "Thanks. I know it's a little weird for you."

He shrugs. "It is weird but, fuck it, I'll get over it."

He kisses me again and I realise I'll take any complication that comes my way if it means staying right here, in Edward's arms.

We pull into a station and I note the town name is Laindon. Edward informs me we're about halfway there, and this knowledge brings with it a new wave of anxiety. In less than an hour I will be meeting Edward's parents. I'm keen to see his hometown but more than a little afraid to meet his folks.

"Nervous?" he grins, I swear he has mind-reading capabilities sometimes.

"A little," I admit.

"If it makes you feel any better I am too."

"Um, Edward I'm not sure if that actually makes me feel any better at all. You being worried about introducing me to your parents doesn't exactly fill me with confidence!"

He laughs and, as always, the warm sound makes my heart beat a little faster.

"That's not what I meant, baby. Obviously. Just that I haven't brought a girl home before, since Tanya."

I'm a little taken aback. "Never?"

He shakes his head. "Who would I have brought? There has never been anyone remotely serious or permanent since then."

"I guess not," I murmur.

He looks at me thoughtfully, drags a hand through his hair which is in crazy, untamed 'weekend mode' today.

"Sometimes I still don't think you have any idea what you mean to me, do you?" He says the words quietly, and almost as a musing not directed at me. "You don't really get how rare this is, how different you are for me."

Heart stuttering, I whisper back, "I'm starting to." I kiss his cheek, he hasn't bothered to shave today and it is deliciously rough with stubble.

"And I feel very lucky." I tell him.

He rolls his eyes. "Right. Let's see how you feel after you've met my dad!"

I watch him thoughtfully. "So is now a good time for you to tell me what the deal is between you and him?"

He grimaces. "There isn't much to tell really. He doesn't approve of me."

"How do you mean?" I ask, confused.

"He wishes I had done something _different_ with my life, as he calls it 'something that means something.'"

"Like what?"

Edward doesn't answer that question and just says, "You'll soon see what I mean when you meet him. He's so left wing he's practically Chairman Mao. He doesn't like that I - I don't know - make _money_ I guess." Edward snorts. "He's lucky really, I could have been a stock broker!"

"What's wrong with being a headhunter?"

"Nothing to us; Dad just thinks it's 'cold and meaningless'."

"Well that's not true at all," I say, indignantly.

Edward suddenly brightens and kisses the top of my head.

"And I just can't wait for you to tell him that, Miss Swan!" He chuckles.

"Yeah right," I scoff. "Shy, remember?"

Rolling his eyes again he dips his head to my throat.

"Uh huh," he murmurs, sucking gently where my pulse is hammering. "That's what I _used_ to think..."

How can a tiny, gentle touch from this man turn me to Jell-O when an hour in bed with Jake didn't even come close?

"What does he do that's so noble anyway?"

Edward's jaw tightens a little. "He's a music teacher."

Damn, that is actually quite noble.

"Private tuition or in a school?"

"Both."

I wonder why Edward is so uptight about this but I decide not to push it. No doubt all will become clear when I meet the man. This conversation isn't helping my nerves though. Will Mr Cullen hate me for being a cog in the corporate machine too?

"It will be better when Alice gets there. She's a good buffer when it comes to Dad."

Alice is joining us tonight, in truth I think she was just dying to spend the day alone with Jasper.

"What about your mom?" I hedge.

Edward smiles softly. "She's awesome. She's so excited to meet you."

I grin back at him. "Really?"

"Yep. She's gonna fucking love you."

Why does just the word 'love' coming from him make my mouth dry?

I swallow through my tight throat. "Good. I can't wait to meet her too."

I lean back against Edward and watch through the window as the built-up towns slowly turn more suburban, and then there is rolling countryside. Edward begins one of his favourite activities, running his fingers through my hair, and the gentle rocking of the train must lull me to sleep because soon Edward is kissing my cheek and saying "We're here, Sweetheart."

I try to clear my fuzzy head while Edward grabs our overnight bags and guides me out of the train. Outside it is bright and warm but I can instantly feel the coolness of the sea breeze. The smell reminds me of Seattle. It's comforting.

I look around and realise this is quite a large and active station. I was expecting a much smaller, sleepier town like others we passed on the way but this looks busy and bustling.

Edward holds out his arms like a circus ringmaster, a soppy grin on his face. "Welcome to Southend!" he exclaims.

At least I think that's what he said, as I can see the town name on the sign behind him, but he pronounced it more like "Saafend".

I raise an eyebrow, amused. "I'm sorry, to where?"

"That's 'ow we tork rand 'ere, luv" he laughs. It's still his accent I think only _more_, exaggerated.

I take his offered hand and let him lead me out of the station.

"You know, you're very strange sometimes. Even for an Englishman."

He smiles at me, eyes dancing, before tugging me to a stop and leaning down to place a solid kiss on my lips. "I know," he shrugs. "But you love it, right?"

My heart jolts. There's that word again. I'm grateful when he carries on walking again, therefore missing the look on my face. He reminds me of an eager puppy as he almost drags me along. He's so obviously pleased to be home and for some reason that makes my own heart a little lighter too.

"Mum!" Edward yells, when we reach the parking lot and I look in the same direction to see a petite brunette leaning against a battered silver Volvo with her face turned towards the sun.

She turns towards us. "Eddie!" She greets, throwing her arms around him. She's small, not quite Alice-small, but pushing 5 feet at most and Edward lifts her when he hugs her, making me melt a little.

She turns to me, smiling warmly.

"Mum, this is Bella." Edward says, his hand resting gently against my back.

She is really beautiful in a natural, bohemian kind of way. She is essentially Alice, 20 years from now.

"Hi Mrs Cul-" I begin but suddenly she has thrown her arms around me and is hugging me close to her chest. I catch Edward's eye over her shoulder and he smirks at what must be a very surprised expression on my face.

"Oh Bella! I am so excited to meet you!" She eventually releases me and stares with bright eyes.

Clearly, Alice inherited her mother's exuberance as well as her looks.

I recover as quickly as I can, while she grasps my hand in both of hers.

"Nice to meet you too, Mrs Cullen."

"Oh, please, call me Esme. You're practically family."

I am? I sneak a glance at Edward, expecting his face to be riddled with panic but instead he is just laughing quietly and rolling his eyes.

"Mum you're humiliating me," he says, clearly teasing. "Now move, I'm driving."

"Lord help us all," Esme mutters.

"I heard that," Edward says.

"I know, love. Here you are." She reluctantly tosses him the keys.

There is an awkward moment when I go to clamber into the back and Esme insists I ride shotgun as long as I promise not to "distract him while he tries not to kill us."

I get in and watch as Edward folds his long body into the dented hatchback. He adjusts his seat, the mirror and inhales deeply.

"Ah, I missed you, old gal."

"This is _your_ car?" I ask, surprised. Armani-suited executives don't usually drive cars this old and weary-looking.

"Yep. Well it _was_. I don't have much use for a car in London." He turns to me and grins. "Put your seatbelt on, Bella."

I do, he turns the ignition and we're off. And, _my God_, he's fast. Esme wasn't being dramatic. Edward negotiates the streets at breakneck speed and obvious familiarity. I'd be terrified if it wasn't for the fact that I'm _so fucking turned on_. I've always thought there was something a little sexy about a man driving a stick shift, but Edward takes it into a whole new dimension. He is all long legs and strong forearms and cocky grin. Every time he changes gear I want to climb into his lap. I even find it attractive when he curses other drivers: "Fucking Sunday drivers on a Friday."

When it dawns on me how inappropriate it is to have entirely impure thoughts about Edward when his mother is sitting three feet behind me, I try to distract myself with the view from my window. And what a view it is! We've left the town centre now and are cruising along the seafront. To my left there are stores, arcades, fish and chip shops and a couple of pubs. To my right is the ocean, or as Edward keeps modesty telling me, the 'estuary of the River Thames'. It looks like the ocean to me. The tide is in and the stony beach and wide sidewalk that runs next to it are heaving with people enjoying the sunshine. There are ice cream stands dotted here and there and sheltered benches for admiring the view.

"Tacksville, huh?" Edward remarks.

I smile. Yes, it is a little tacky, but quaint. Best of all, it's where Edward grew up and I feel him everywhere I look.

I catch his eye. "Actually, I think it's kinda wonderful."

His shy smile makes my heart thump a little harder. Something is different today. It's not unusual for my body to be completely at the mercy of what Edward says or does but it feels like seeing him in his natural habitat has increased my desire for him ten-fold. Either that or I'm completely and utterly-

"So tell me, Bella," Esme interrupts my dangerous train of thought, half-shouting over the noise from Edward's open window. "What's it like where you come from? Washington, right? The state not the city."

I turn around in my seat to address her "Yes, that's right. Seattle is great. The town where I was born is...it's different from here. It's more _quiet_."

She nods. "Eddie's father always wanted us to move to the real countryside but I grew up here, I don't want to leave this late in the day."

I nod in understanding, kind of desperate to know more about "Eddie's father" but there's nothing forthcoming.

"So how do you like London?"

"Oh I love it!" I enthuse. "But I love the ocean too." I add, glancing outside.

There are less people along this stretch and the sand is lined with quaint beach huts in various pastels. Town side, the arcades and bars have given way beautiful old houses and hotels, many of which seem to have now been converted to apartments. People are sitting on their balconies, looking out to sea, and I envy that small pleasure. I'm getting more and more curious about Edward's house.

Eventually, Edward pulls off of the seafront and we climb several steep side roads. Finally, he pulls up in a narrow one-way street and orchestrates a highly professional parallel park outside a row of small terrace houses.

We climb out and I take a look at the house while Esme hunts for her door key. It is small, mid-terrace and if I had to guess I'd say 1920s. It has a warm charm but even I can see it gravely needs work. The guttering is badly in need of repair, the whole front could do with some fresh paint and the porch is a little crumbling. Edward looks a little sheepish, embarrassed maybe, but there is little time to dwell before Esme ushers us inside.

"Make yourself at home, Bella." Esme says. "I'll make us some lunch."

Inside the house is cosy and snug. There is a small sitting room at the front and through the partially open doorway I spot a piano, a music stand and shelves stacked with sheet music.

"That's my father's study," Edward says but doesn't show me inside. Instead we go through to the living room and I'm surprised to see a second piano. Two seems pretty strange for a house of this size, music teacher or not.

"You have two pianos?" I ask Edward but Esme answers for him when she comes in and hands us both a Coke.

"Well this one doesn't get much use, I'm afraid, it is more just a piece of furniture," she scoffs a little, gesturing to the household junk on top of it.

"It's especially wasteful when Ed doesn't even use it anymore but I daren't sell it or we'd face his wrath!" She ruffles Edward's hair while I glance between him and the instrument.

"It's _yours_? You play piano?"

He shrugs, looking a little tense. "Yeah. Well, I used to."

Holy hell, as if I need any more reasons to find him attractive! But I'm wondering why he never mentioned it before, why he doesn't keep it at his apartment or play any more. The mental image of him working over those keys with his beautiful hands makes me shiver a little.

Once Esme has left the room, I brush his hand with mine and lean up on tip toes to sneak a kiss.

"Will you play me something later?" I murmur.

He bites his lip and looks at me with a strange expression on his face. "Maybe," he finally whispers.

"Anyway, let me show you upstairs," he announces more loudly, grabbing my hand. He briefly shows me the bathroom and two bedrooms before leading me to a third.

"So, this is my room, obviously," he chuckles a little nervously.

It is simple and tidy, with a double bed, a chest of drawers, a built-in wardrobe and rows of shelves containing a few books and DVDs. And almost as much sheet music as I glimpsed downstairs.

Edward puts our bags down and closes the door while I run my fingertips along the spines - classical, rock, modern, jazz, you name it - every type of piano music you can think of. Clearly, it was more than just a hobby.

"There is so much music here, Edward," I say and I feel him wrap his arms around me from behind and place a kiss on my neck.

"Hmmm." he mumbles.

I turn and loop my arms around his neck. "You must be really good."

He shrugs, "I suppose I used to be. I doubt I remember how to play most of that now."

He captures my face in his hands and distracts me with his mouth for a while.

"Why have you never mentioned the piano before?" I ask when we come up for air.

"It's not part of who I am now. I don't play any more."

"Why not?" I press.

"I just don't." He says it with a finality that I decide not to push upon.

He turns me around and guides me backwards, urging me down to the bed. I sit and he kneels, placing a leg on either side of me on the mattress. He stares at me so intensely that I can't help the heat that spreads across my face and chest. He strokes my cheek and mutters "stunning."

"It's so strange, having you here," he says softly. "Do you have any idea how much of a turn on it is having you in my childhood bedroom?"

My attempt to form a response dies in my throat when he gently nudges me backwards to lie down while he follows suit, half covering my body with his. He finds my mouth again and kisses me deeply. I lace my fingers into his windswept hair and groan a little. When Edward hears the sound he pushes our bodies closer and I hook my leg around him.

"_Fuck_," he says, breathless. "I'd love to take you right now."

My breath stutters and I experience the familiar mixed emotions that these sorts of impulsive words from him always evoke in me. Part of me wants that more than anything but the incessant voice inside me reminds me what the last month has taught us; it isn't that easy.

"Edward, your mom is downstairs making us lunch." I tell him, but I can't help feeling disappointed when he pulls back and lies down beside me.

"I know, baby," he sighs, and I rest my head on his chest.

"So, now you've seen the house are you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?"

"What you're thinking about every time you see a part of this house that needs work."

Ah, that. I have to admit I don't really understand why they clearly have so little while Edward has so much, but I would never come out and ask that. What he does with his money is no concern of mine.

"It's okay, Bella, I know you're thinking it."

I look at him. "What am I thinking?"

"'Why doesn't the chap with 1,500 square foot in Camden Town bung his old mum a few quid to fix her guttering?'"

I bite my lip. "So...why don't you?"

His expression darkens.

"Oh I try, Bella, believe me."

"What do you mean?"

He turns towards me, I stroke my hand across his face.

"I've lost count of the number of times I've offered Mum money but she doesn't take it, because of _him_. He is too proud and too bloody stupid. Tells her he'll fix the house up himself but instead he's always working. I don't know how she stands it now Alice and I are gone. It was one thing when she had us around but this house must feel pretty empty now."

My curiosity about Edward's father increases even further.

"So he works a lot then? Surely he only does school hours?"

Edward snorts. "I wish. He schedules private piano tuition for almost every evening. Always has."

"He must be very good," I muse. "To have so many students."

Edward smiles but it's more like a grimace. "And very cheap! But yeah he's certainly a good teacher if nothing else."

I wonder if the "nothing else" means he's a lousy father.

"He never charges enough though, I don't think he has increased his rates since I was a kid." He watches me carefully. "I'm sure I sound really evil, don't I? My clever father gives kids music lessons practically for free and I just want him to make a ton of money. But it isn't about that, I never begrudged anyone a cheap lesson, I just wanted him to take care of _us_ first."

"That makes sense, baby. And I could never think you're evil."

He smiles gently and drops a kiss on my nose.

He continues, "The worst thing is though that even when he's not teaching he is never entirely there, you know? He stays locked in that room all hours, reliving what could have been. And even when he is in the room with you you're never entirely sure if he's paying attention, except if he is lecturing you about something."

"Did he almost make it then?" I ask. "As a professional, I mean?"

"Yeah," Edward murmurs. "And he's never forgotten it. Or let anyone else forget it."

He takes a deep breath. "Anyway, at the end of last year I'd had enough and started sneaking Mum a bit of dosh. At Christmas, Dad found out and lost his shit. I thought he would be grateful but instead he just told me he didn't want my 'ridiculous money' from my 'ridiculous job' when I had 'thrown away my chances'."

I sit up a little. "Chances at what?"

"The chance to turn into him." Edward says bitterly, just as Esme yells up the stairs that lunch is ready.

* * *

><p>After sandwiches and salad, Edward takes me for a walk. Hand in hand, we stroll along the front and just enjoy being together. He tells me all about growing up here and the mayhem he, Alice and their 'mates' used to cause. He takes me to his local pub for a drink and we sit outside to watch the people walk by. I can't help thinking how nice it would be to live here. Aside from when he talked about his father, Edward appears more at peace here than anywhere else I've seen him.<p>

"Why don't you come home more often?" I ask him.

He shrugs. "I used to, before Christmas. Since then I don't really want to be around him. Aro promoted me to Principal Consultant in November. Mum and Alice were chuffed for me, Dad just used it as fuel to feed his criticism."

"So...you could have been a professional too?" I ask carefully, unable to resist the question any longer.

Edward studies the label on his beer bottle.

"That's what Dad reckons. I don't know. And I won't know now."

He looks up and takes in a lungful of sea air. "But I should come here more. I miss my mum, truth be told."

"She misses you for sure," I grin, thinking of the fuss she has made of him since we arrived.

He chuckles. "Oh you picked up on that, eh?"

His phone vibrates on the table next to us, he checks it and says "Come on, Alice is here."

Individually, Alice and Esme are both crazed balls of enthusiasm; together they're overwhelming! Alice greets me with a tight hug and the rest of the afternoon is spent soaking up the remaining rays in their tiny backyard, sipping lemonade and stuffing our faces with an array of homemade baked goods.

Esme asks so many questions about me; my job, what I like doing in my free time, my life in Seattle and in Forks. I don't know how much she knows about my past until she says:

"Eddie mentioned you are getting...divorced. I'm sorry about that."

"Mum!" Edward chastises but I smile, tell him it's okay.

I'm not really sure what to respond though but then Esme doesn't let me.

"I mean, I'm not _that_ sorry actually! Because if that hadn't happened you wouldn't be here now, would you?"

There is a stunned silence before I start laughing and the others follow.

"Jesus Christ, Mum," Edward mutters, chuckling.

It's quite clear that Edward's mother has absolutely no verbal filter but as I study her warm, excitable face in the waning sun I can't help falling quickly in love with her. My own mother left Charlie when I was three years old. She has barely tried to contact me at all and I have little interest in knowing her, but Esme is someone you want to know.

"Okay, you two, enough of giving Bella the third degree." Edward announces, pulling me up and into the house, leaving his mother and sister to continue their revelry. At the last moment he leans around me and pops his head back outside.

"Oh and Mum? Why don't you ask Alice how Jasper is?"

I catch the briefest glimpse of Alice's wide eyes before Edward pulls me inside, laughing quietly.

In the living room he collapses on the couch and pulls me down into his lap, nuzzling my hair.

"So, you really haven't ever brought a girl home before, have you?" I can't help the giggle that escapes me.

Edward groans.

"I'm so sorry about them, and I'm sorry about Mum mentioning Jacob and everything."

"It's okay," I whisper, kissing his cheek. "And what she said is true, isn't it?"

He stares at me, the beginnings of a grin tugging at his mouth.

"Everything with Jake was...unpleasant," I tell him. "But I wouldn't be here with you otherwise, so how can I regret anything?"

He kisses me, hard, and afterwards looks at me like he has something really important to say. I wait but all he says is "thank you".

I hop off his lap and run my hand along the top of the old piano.

"So, maestro, are you feeling like playing me something yet?"

A look of apprehension flitters across his face before he eventually smiles and stands reluctantly.

"All right, _fine_. But you'll be sorry when you hear how rusty I am, and who knows what sort of state this thing is in."

He clears off some junk and pulls out the stool. He looks at me, amused, when I let out a quiet by excited squeal. I watch as he studies the keys for what seems like a long time, running his fingers gently over their surface.

He plays a quick scale and his brow furrows.

"Blimey, he actually kept it tuned," he mutters.

Eventually I hear him take a shaky breath, and flex his strong hands. In the next moment Beethoven's_ Fűr Elise_ fills the room - delicate, beautiful, and as far as I can tell, note-perfect.

I watch his face. At first he is clearly concentrating, his teeth imbedded in his bottom lip in a way that makes me want to get between him and the instrument so he can play me instead. After a few moments though, he relaxes, even closes his eyes a little.

The notes fill every space in the room and in me. My heart races faster and faster as the music draws higher and higher to its climax. I can't take my eyes off of him. The muscles in his back, his arms. His graceful fingers as they dance across the keys. But mostly his face; such peace, such contentment, such...love.

When he finally stops my heart is pounding and I can hardly breath. I don't remember ever being so affected by music before. Sure, Pavarotti singing _Nessan Dorma_ gives me chills and hearing 90s rock ballads fills me with nostalgia but music from Edward...that was pure passion. Like he was whispering his deepest secret directly into my soul.

He is watching me a little anxiously and I realise I haven't spoken yet.

"Edward, that was...that was so beautiful. Perfect."

I'm still feeling a little shocked that he has this incredible talent that I never knew about.

He snorts. "Definitely _not_ perfect. I messed up loads of notes and I've forgotten how to-"

"Baby," I whisper, urgently bending my face down to his. "It was _amazing_, I swear. You have so much talent."

I pause, run my fingertips over the weekend scruff on his cheek.

"When you are clearly that talented, why the hell would you ever stop playing?"

A door creaks and a gruff voice from across the room makes us both jump.

"Now _that_ is an excellent question."

**A/N**

**Well OF COURSE he plays piano! Duh. **

**I'd love to know what you think, every review makes me so happy (and I have no shame in bribing you with a teaser!). I know there are a few British readers who are familiar with Essex so I hope I'm doing it justice. **

**I have an urge to rec again, indulge me? _myedwardseyesarebrown_ are a fabulous husband and wife team (I know, I know - a MAN in the fandom! Try not to knock him over in your excitement, eh girls?) and their collab - _Anchors Aweigh_ - is actually _their_ _own_ love story. Once you read it you'll see how brave and awesome this makes them. Enjoy! **

**Much love,**

**Amber x**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N**

**I'm considering writing to my local council to ask for a council tax discount in exchange for all the extra tourism the last chapter sent their way ;-) Seriously though, thank you so much for all the love you've shown my town and my Essexward in your reviews. **

**The amazing ladies at Indie Fic Pimp are currently collecting votes for their April Readalong and The Search is among the stories listed. You can vote by visiting the blog address below (removing the spaces) and clicking on _April Readalong _on the right of the screen:**

**indieficpimp. blogspot. co. uk / p / readalong**

**Trip, my incredible beta, is particularly fond of this chapter so I'm dedicating it to her for her fantastic skills, her brilliant ideas, her thorough research and all the time and patience she gives to this story. Thank you for getting me this far, A! :-)**

****Thanks again to _ladyeire3_ and **_dreamalittledream83_ for keeping Bella American no matter where she is, and for the endless encouragement. **

**BPOV**

"Now _that_ is an excellent question."

A man I can only assume is Edward's father stands in the doorway wearing an expression somewhere between a scowl and a smirk. He is tall and lean like Edward, with thinning fair hair. He stares at me for the briefest of moments before turning to Edward with a tight smile.

"Hello, Son."

"Alright." It is Edward's standard greeting but his tone is flat and hard.

He continues, "Dad, this is Bella. Bella, my dad, Carlisle." Even as he says his father's name, his eyes do not leave mine to look at him.

I turn towards Carlisle, stand and offer my hand.

"It's nice to meet you," I tell him although I'm not entirely sure it is.

"You're American," he states and his emotionless tone leaves me as to no idea if he considers that a good or bad thing.

I glance at Edward who rolls his eyes. "Um, yes. I moved here a couple of months ago."

"I see," he says, finally shaking my hand. "And how do you like England so far, Bella?"

"Oh I love it!" I smile.

Carlisle just snorts derisively. "Give it time, missy, you'll soon see. The economy is shot to hell and all this government is interested in is cutting back public services and punishing the working class."

"Jesus, Dad!" Edward exclaims. "Do you think maybe we can hold off the political lecture until at least dinner time?"

Carlisle shrugs. "Still, Ed, you're all right I take it? In your corporate bubble."

Edward meets his father's eyes, defiantly. "Yep. Work's great, Dad, thanks for asking," he says sarcastically.

I'm very grateful when Alice bounds into the room.

"Dad!" She kisses his cheek. "Beer?" she offers him the can in her hand and leads him out of the room, while Edward offers her a grateful smile. A good deflection indeed.

Alone again, Edward folds me into his arms, pulling me against him as if protecting me from something.

"I'm sorry, Sweetheart," he mutters into my hair. "I told you he was a wanker, didn't I?"

At dinner, all the ease of the afternoon seems to have evaporated. The addition of Carlisle has made Esme and Alice a little tense too.

Alice pushes the conversation along by regaling us with stories of the recent celebrities they've had in the store. Carlisle talks about his classes, Esme talks about their friends but I note that nobody mentions Edward or his work. Until eventually Carlisle asks:

"So what do you do, Bella?"

I glance at Edward. I find it strange that Esme knows so much about me and Carlisle so little. I guess they really don't talk much.

"I work at Volturi, with Edward."

Carlisle raises an eyebrow in Edward's direction.

"With or _for_?"

I hesitate and Edward says "With," and slips me a sly smile, no doubt recalling our altercation in Soho.

Carlisle's face is unreadable. "I see. And do you like it?"

"Yes, very much. Headhunting is actually a much more meaningful profession than some people think." My tone comes out a little harder than I'd like but I can't help feeling a little defensive of what we do after everything Edward told me on the train.

I notice Carlisle's eyes narrow a little but politeness stops him from voicing whatever thought was forming in his mind. Eventually he fixes me with a surprisingly gentle smile. When his features are softer I notice more similarities with Edward, similar face shape, same green eyes in a more muted shade.

"Well I've gotta say you impressed me earlier, Bella."

I look at him inquisitively.

"It's been literally _years_ since Ed has played piano for anyone!"

"_Dad_..." There is a warning in Edward's voice that Carlisle chooses to ignore.

"He plays wonderfully," I comment, trying to be as diplomatic as possible. The tension between father and son quite clearly stems from this point, I just wish I knew how and why.

"_Doesn't he_?" Carlisle enthuses a little too harshly and Edward shoots him a look which clearly says "Drop it."

"So why were you playing earlier, son?"

"Bella asked me to," Edward replies through somewhat gritted teeth.

This is going south fairly quickly and I feel terrible that my curiosity was the catalyst for this tension.

"Does anyone want any afters?" Esme says, brightly, standing to clear our plates and clearly trying a distraction technique. Carlisle ignores her.

"He was my prodigy, Bella," he says, turning back to face me. "Two years old he was up on that piano stool with me. So talented. Grade 8 by the time he was 11."

He speaks like a proud father but Edward's sullen expression tells me everything. His fists are clenched and his jaw tight, like he is desperately trying to hold in what he wants to say.

"But he threw it all away. Gave up chances that other kids would kill for."

"Dad, come on!" Alice suddenly exclaims. "Please can you just stop...stop banging on about this over and over again."

Carlisle continues regardless and I resist the urge to jam my fork in his eye for destroying the carefree Edward who arrived here this morning

"Threw away every chance, to be a...a _headhunter_." He almost spits the word. "I mean, Christ, I'm not even entirely sure what that is and-"

"You would if you ever fucking listened!" Edward suddenly explodes, throwing his silverware onto the table with a clatter.

"But you don't, do you?" He says more quietly, eyes fixed on Carlisle. "Because you aren't interested. You aren't interested in getting to know me because I'm not that boy on your knee at the piano anymore. I'm not the man you hoped I'd be."

I watch his eyes burn and his throat bob as he swallows. "And I'm never going to be."

Esme, Alice and I stare in silence. Carlisle fixes Edward with a steely stare but also says nothing.

"Thanks for dinner, Mum." Edward whispers, silently taking my hand in his and pulling me out of the room and upstairs.

In his room Edward collapses on the edge of the bed, with his head in his hands, and I sit down beside him, reaching my left hand up his neck and into his hair, stroking gently. He leans a little into my touch.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

He turns to me, surprised.

"Why on earth are you sorry?"

"I made you play. If I hadn't he wouldn't have seen and made a fuss and-"

"Bella, don't be silly. It wasn't your fault in any way. I'm so fucking sorry that I ruined tonight, that I put you in the middle of that." He takes a deep breath, looking down. "The truth is I wanted to play earlier, I _liked_ it. I always liked it, I just didn't want to be a professional. I couldn't live up to what he expected from me. So now this is how it is, he can't forgive me and I can't stand it."

He kicks off his shoes, lies back on the bed. I crawl up beside him. I can hear raised voices downstairs but can't make out what's being said. Edward and I are silent but he holds me really tight.

The knock on his door makes me jump.

"Ed, it's me." Alice whispers.

"Come in," Edward calls wearily and an uncharacteristically miserable Alice creeps in and sits on the floor, leaning back against the bed.

She turns her head to Edward. "You all right?"

Edward shrugs. "This is why I don't like coming home."

Alice sighs. "Yeah I know. It's just - God I just don't get it!" She throws up her hands in frustration.

"Why the fuck is he like that? Always going on at you, trying to pick a fight. And he knows exactly what your bloody temper is like." She narrows her eyes at her brother.

Edward scowls. "Can you fucking blame me? When he is the way he is?"

Alice holds up her hands. "I know, I know. He's being a dick. But why? He's never really cared what I do for a living."

Edward runs his hand through his hair, studies the ceiling.

"Yeah well, he didn't have expectations for you."

"Oh ta very much!" Alice exclaims.

Edward sniggers softly. "You know what I mean, Al. He didn't force you into music. For some reason he used all his energy on me, and he's pissed off about it."

Alice nods, stays silent. Eventually she turns to me, puts a hand on my leg.

"Bella, God, I'm so humiliated. I wish you hadn't had to see my dad behaving like such a moron."

I glance at Edward. He looks miserable, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

"It's fine, Alice. Don't be silly."

The yelling downstairs finally stops.

"Mum's utterly livid." Alice whispers, conspiratorially. "She's making him sleep on the settee."

Edward just nods again. I hear someone else come upstairs, presumably Esme, and another door closes.

"I should go talk to Mum, say sorry." Edward says.

"Nah, don't worry, I'll go." Alice replies, standing.

"Night," She says, smiling at me. She bends down to land a kiss on Edward's cheek.

"Love ya," I hear her whisper and I feel an irrational wave on envy because I'm desperate to say that to him too, in an entirely different way.

"You too, Sis." They share a mutual grin and eye roll before Alice leaves the room.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask once we're alone.

He turns towards me, pulls me closer to him.

"Truthfully? No." He kisses me softly. "I just want to forget about it."

"Well I can help with that too..." I murmur, bringing my mouth to his. He opens his lips almost immediately taking in my tongue and giving me his. He captures my face in one hand and my waist in the other, coaxing me up his body and closer to him. The now-familiar energy rises between us and he soon becomes needy and greedy, kissing me deeply, running his hands over my body - my hair, my arms, my waist, my ass. He forces our bodies closer and closer until I want to claw off every bit of clothing and just feel every inch of him against every inch of me.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he whispers brokenly between kisses. "I ruined it. I ruined an incredible day and-"

"Shhh...Baby, it's okay," I say softly against his throat and slide my hand up the back of his shirt enjoying the feeling of his smooth skin. "Just relax."

Only a few minutes later our clothes are abandoned and it's just me and him, naked and breathless. His fingers explore gently between my legs, his words are hot in my ear, the sheets cool against my fevered skin and I want.

God, how I want.

_Everything._

I want to feel him moving inside me, not just his fingers. I want to give him this comfort, this simple act. I want the closeness. I want to be as close to him physically as I know our minds and souls are becoming.

I can feel him there, hard and ready in exactly the place where I want him to be. I push myself closer, feel him slip against where I'm so wet.

"Bella," he gasps, meeting my gaze, lust and surprise in his.

"Please," I whisper. "I want to try. I need to."

He frowns. "But before, we couldn't-"

"I know, I know. Please, just try now _please_."

I'm soon beneath him and I close my eyes attempting to force every muscle in my body to relax one by one. I try to imagine my body as liquid or rubber, pliable and relaxed, everything soft and open and clear. I can feel his eyes on my face but I'm afraid to open my own to look at him. I know the concern I will see there and it will make me more anxious.

I feel the very tip of him at my entrance, he fingertips gently stroking my clit. I focus on that, on pleasure, and try to ignore the stinging ache that begins when he starts to slowly push inside.

Painful inch by painful inch I grow more and more panicked and force myself to take deep breaths and calm my hammering heartbeat. I'm stretched and pulled and ripped until eventually everything tightens and clamps down like a vice, a sickening pain shooting up from between my legs and causing hot tears of frustration to force their way out from my closed eyes.

Moments later the pressure is suddenly gone, and my body sags in relief, now just a dull ache where there was once scalding pain.

"Bella," he whispers, his voice a little broken. "Open your eyes, Baby."

The sight of his face; pained, apologetic and ridiculously _guilty_ causes more tears to slide across my cheeks in salty, angry tracks. This time they are born of self-pity rather than pain.

"Just keep going," I beg. "Try again, I can do it. I can handle it."

He shakes his head, a little angry.

"No, Bella. No way. The look on your face just now I...I can't. I won't."

I can hear the desperation in my voice. "But I need to give you something, Edward. I need to give you everything."

He cups my face in both his hands; kisses my cheeks, my forehead, my nose, my mouth.

"Don't think, Baby. Okay? Just let me love you. Let me love every inch of you. Just _be_ with me okay?" His tone is a little desperate too and feels like a physical touch across my fevered skin.

I nod and slowly, gently he coaxes the tension out of my body. As he promised he covers every inch with his mouth and hands. Despite myself I'm soon aroused again because the power he has over my body that way is astonishing. I'm breathless and my heart is racing but not through fear.

I reciprocate and when he is in my mouth I take him as deep as possible. I try to make up for everything I can't give him with everything I can.

"_Bella_," he groans, pulling my head gently away. I look up and his eyes are smouldering.

"Together, Baby. I want to watch you."

We lie facing each other and touch and kiss and gasp until I'm pulsing and he's jerking and I stare into his eyes while he comes in hot streams against my skin.

He is silent, thoughtful, while he cleans me up and pulls me close under the covers. I'm still awake long after his breathing is deep and his arms are heavy. My mind won't shut off and it's pulsing with three words over and over on repeat.

_I love you I love you I love you._

* * *

><p><em>Let me love you.<em>

I jolt awake and realise I'm alone, with just those words for company.

_Let me love you._

That's what he said, isn't it? And that's certainly what he did. Could that mean...?

As I struggle into wakefulness, I realise I was woken by the strains of piano music filtering up the stairs. It could easily be Carlisle playing, or a student, but in my heart I know it's Edward.

_Let me love you._

_Stop it, Swan!_ I attempt to shake his words from my mind and quickly dress, desperate to get downstairs and see more of the gloriousness that is Edward Cullen: Pianist.

Halfway down the notes take a misstep, the music stops abruptly and I hear Edward growl:

"I can't concentrate with you watching me."

I freeze and for a second, I stupidly think he is talking to me, but then I realise there is no way he can see me from the middle of the staircase. I creep down two more steps and see Carlisle leaning against the door frame in the doorway of the lounge.

"You've still got it, son." His voice is softer now, so much gentler than the way he spoke to Edward last night.

There is silence and I imagine Edward shrugging, or seething. Eventually he says softly:

"I'm not playing for you, you know. Not now."

"Oh I know, Ed. Believe me." Carlisle sighs. "I couldn't keep away from the piano when I first met your mum. Every thought, every feeling; I ploughed it into those keys."

A very long moment of silence and then a scraping sound and Edward's voice suddenly louder.

"Well maybe you should bloody well tell Mum that yourself," he spits and before I have time to react he has pushed past his dad and locked eyes with me.

"Bella."

I'm frozen, embarrassed to be caught eavesdropping. He slowly climbs the stairs to meet me.

He looks awkward, surprised and a little angry.

"You heard that?"

I nod.

He watches me for a second, before shaking his head and leaning down to place a gentle kiss on my lips.

"Whatever," he whispers. "Let's get out of here."

He stares for a moment before the crooked grin I love brightens his gorgeous face.

"I know somewhere fun," he says.

* * *

><p>"That was awesome!" Alice is flushed and grinning, and Esme is laughing and stumbling a little behind her. Behind them is the source of their delight - a huge, yellow roller coaster with as many twists and turns as my life has taken these last couple of months.<p>

We're at Adventure Island. Bigger than a local carnival but nowhere near big enough to be called a theme park, it sits right on the edge of the seafront, with beach on either side and the pier in the distance. Edward says it's been there as long as he can remember, but that it used to be not much more than bumper cars, a cotton candy stand and the "helter skelter". In the fact the latter is still there - worn and weathered, nestled amongst the newer rides.

Unsurprisingly we left Carlisle at home, apparently he had a pupil coming. More likely I think Esme banned him from joining us. Seeing Edward's tricky relationship with his father makes my chest ache but I'm not sure what I can do to help. There are obviously resentments that go back many years.

Away from the tension with his dad, Edward is back to the carefree, laughing man he was yesterday.

I wish I could say the same. As much as I am enjoying myself I can't get away from the realisation that has struck me this weekend.

I'm in love with him.

It's so desperately clear to me now, that I just can't get the thought out of my head. I thought I loved Jake, I thought he was everything to me, but it's so obvious now how wrong I was. I cared about him, I wanted our marriage to work for the sake of our future and families, and because I had known nothing else.

But what I felt for Jake, even in our lightest days, was nothing like this, this obsession, this addiction. I'm attuned to every move Edward makes. I can't keep my eyes off of him. I want to touch him constantly, crawl up inside him and stay there forever. I want to explore every single part of his mind, his thoughts, his memories. I want to know every experience that has touched his life before this moment, good and bad, because they all contribute to making him _him_. This caring, honest, respectful, passionate, wonderful man...who I love.

It's been a matter of weeks but I suddenly can't imagine living a moment of my life without him. And that is a pretty damn frightening thought.

The problem is now I'm obsessively wondering if he feels the same. I feel like a giddy, naive teenager but then I guess that makes sense when I didn't experience this in the same way ten years ago as most others did.

_Let me love you._

His words from last night have been ringing in my head all day, driving me close to insanity.

"What are you thinking so hard about, Gorgeous?" His warm voice in my ear jolts me from my internal musings. He slips his arms tightly around me, pulling me close to his body. I take a deep breath of his scent and nuzzle his chest, wondering how it is possible to fit so perfectly against another person's body.

I lift my head and smile at him.

"Nothing important," I lie. He raises a sceptical eyebrow but then leans down to kiss me, softly and gently with the tiniest brush of his tongue.

"Yeah alright, you two," Alice grumbles. "You're making me nauseous."

Edward laughs and ruffles her hair. "Awww, missing J?" he teases and she shoots him a glare making him laugh harder.

My God, I love him.

"What's next?" Esme asks, looking like an excitable child.

"I might just go on Rage again." Alice says. Her blue eyes glint in the bright sunshine.

"Say Eddie, my dear sweet brother, don't you want to join us?" She grins at him a little devilishly.

Edward glances up nervously, eyeing the highest point of the huge yellow roller coaster.

"Nah, you're all right," he mutters.

"Really? Are you _sure_?" Alice baits. "What if Bella wants to go on it and wants you to come with her?"

Edward looks at me, trying to hide a slightly stricken expression.

"Do you, Baby? I mean if you want we can -" he looks back towards Rage with a grimace.

I laugh, leaning up to kiss his cheek.

"It's fine, Edward. I could always go with your Mom and Alice if I wanted," I lower my voice in his ear. "But I'd rather stay with you."

Alice giggles. "Oh, Bro, you are too funny." She turns to Esme. "Hey, do you remember that time at Thorpe Park when we were actually in the queue when he changed his mind?"

"I was eight!" Edward exclaims. His cheeks are pink and I love him. I can't stop the words now; my head is filled with just that one thought.

Esme is chuckling too. "Yeah, Dad had to walk him all the way back along the line!"

"For Christ's sake, Mum," Edward grumbles, looking at the floor.

"You're too cute," I tell him and he rolls his eyes but returns my smile anyway.

"Such a wimp!" Alice laughs and a small giggle escapes me.

"Right, that's it," he grabs my hand. "Sod the lot of you!"

Before I know what's happening he is half carrying me half dragging me, running towards the ride. I can hear Alice and Esme laughing behind us, no doubt delighted that they have cajoled him into exactly the action they were hoping for.

When we reach the end of the line I'm breathless and giggling and Edward is laughing too, but still eyeing the roller coaster dubiously.

He grabs my hand and tugs me close to his side.

"What is it about you, Swan," he growls, playfully. "Somehow I always end up higher than I feel entirely comfortable about when I'm around you."

I shrug, smiling and he pulls me close, resting his forehead against mine, his eyes suddenly more serious.

"Maybe it's just so I can fall," he whispers.

My breath catches and the words I'm dying to say bubble to the surface, but before I can speak an impatient voice behind us tells us to move forward with the line.

I hold my tongue and we are quiet for the rest of the wait. I sneak glances at Edward and he looks increasingly nervous the closer we get to our turn, but when he catches me staring, he just smiles his crooked smile at me.

"_Shit_," I hear him mutter under his breath when we reach the cars.

"You don't have to do this, Baby," I whisper.

He grits his teeth. "Course I do. Come on."

We sit down and the heavy harnesses lock down on us. Edward takes a deep breath. I'm genuinely a little concerned for him now, it's clearly a very real phobia and I feel like an asshole for encouraging this.

"You okay?" I ask quietly.

"Yep," he says. "Just wanna get up there now."

I think about literally holding his hand but I realise that his are gripping tightly onto the handles of his harness.

The ride jolts to life and I hear his sharp intake of breath.

"Okay," he says, to himself I think. "Okay."

We start to climb very steeply, our bodies tipped back and Edward closes his eyes.

"Just tell me when we're about to go down, okay?" he requests. "I don't mind the down bit, I just hate the slow climb, and the clicking - why is there _always_ clicking?"

I stifle a smile.

We climb and climb, higher and higher, and while we do I think of Edward. Of everything I've learnt about him, everything I want with him in the future. He has been so patient, so caring. How many men would risk everything for a girl as physically and emotionally fucked up as me? I mean, damn, he's terrified of heights and yet he's on a roller coaster, for me.

It is then I decide. He has done so much for me so it's time I faced my fears for him. If I want a physical relationship with him, then I have to be the one to make it happen. And with that decision I realise I can't keep the other words in any longer either. I want to say them, I _need_ to. And I realise that it doesn't even matter if he says them back, I just need him to know what he means to me.

We're nearing the top, just beginning to tip over the steep peak to the descent below. This is where I would tell him to open his eyes.

I watch his stunning profile, jaw tight, knuckles white, eyes tightly closed. I suck in a deep breath and I lean over as far as my harness will allow so that my lips are close to his ear.

"Edward," I whisper, despite the other riders behind and in front of us I feel like it is just me and him and the sky.

"Mmmhmm?" He replies stiffly.

"I love you."

For a split second his eyes flash open wide and he turns to look at me, for the briefest of moments I think I see his green eyes fill with wonder.

And then we're falling, falling and hurtling and dropping and tumbling and flying. Edward is shouting and cursing and laughing so hard.

As the ride spin us through yet another twist, it dawns on me that in my whole life, I have never before felt so free.

* * *

><p>Did you know that Southend-on-Sea boasts the longest pleasure pier in the world? This is one of the many bits of Essex trivia that Edward has somewhat nervously imparted in the last hour. The moment we stepped off the ride a giggling Esme and Alice were there to greet us, continuing to jibe Edward gently while he took it in good humour and snuck frequent glances in my direction.<p>

My declaration, that felt brave and necessary up in the air, now hangs between us like a dark cloak of unease.

We had left the fair and continued to walk along the seafront. Anxious, I could hardly look at him but he couldn't seem to keep his eyes from me. We walked side by side and I could feel his glances every few steps. When I found the nerve to finally meet one of his furtive looks his expression appeared to be a bizarre mix of bewilderment and surprise.

He'd held my gaze with his strange one before smiling and taking my hand, squeezing it gently.

"Shall we get some lunch, Eddie?" Esme asked us.

But eyes on me again, Edward had only replied. "Actually, Mum, I think Bella and I are going to go off on our own for a bit if that's okay. "

My heart was suddenly pounding and I wondered if he had noticed how sweaty my palm had gotten.

"Of course, love." Esme smiled at each of us in turn. "We'll see you back at home later."

So now here we are; walking along the longest pier in the world with nothing but the call of sea gulls and Edward's nervous tour guide as the soundtrack.

I'm not sure I've ever witnessed this awkward version of Edward before. Professional? Yes. Angry? Sure. Passionate? Definitely. But this rambling guy is a new breed, and all it does is make me love him more. Which is the problem.

_Fuck, Swan, you are such an idiot. Why did you tell him that? It's only been a month and the poor man is probably still trying to work out if he wants to pursue anything at all with someone who comes with so much baggage, and you go and profess your undying love for him on a theme park ride?_

I feel like a fool. No wonder he is filling the silence with stats from the Southend Tourist Board, he is probably afraid that if he is quiet for more than 30 seconds I'll humiliate myself again.

"Hey, Bella," He interrupts himself and pulls us to a stop.

I try to smile bravely though I feel so humiliated I wonder if my insides are blushing too.

"Are you all right?" he asks, nervous.

"Yep. Yep, I'm fine." I try to reassure him, whilst mentally swinging at a punch bag with my picture on it.

"You were saying?" I prompt, because even hearing about what the council plan to do with the one-way system is better than standing in silence while he looks at me pityingly.

But he doesn't start talking again, he just stares at me with a strange smile on his face. He reaches out to grasp a wayward piece of hair that the breeze has blown across my face and tucks it behind my ear.

He is looking at me so gently that I wonder if my fears aren't actually warranted. Could there be a chance that he does feel as I do...?

_Let me love you._

"Do you wanna sit down?" he asks, quietly, gesturing to the sheltered bench behind me.

I take a deep breath. "Sure."

We sit down and he pulls me close, half into his lap, trailing his fingers down my spine. I shiver a little. He wouldn't want to sit this way if he wasn't going to say something good, right?

"What is it with us and benches?" He says eventually, with a smile in his voice, and I remember the night in Soho when he held my hand and told me we couldn't just be friends anymore. I feel so grateful for his courage that night.

"I never thanked you for that, you know?"

He watches me. "For what?"

"For telling me how you...felt. For not letting me run away." I stroke a hand along his jaw.

"I couldn't not, Bella. I've never-" He pauses, looks at his hands before pulling his gaze back to mine, determined. "I've never felt like this before."

I nod. I understand only too well. At once, I realise that it _is_ right that I said those words first, because he has done everything else. He has shown me that we can be together, that we _should_ be together. He put himself on the line for us. He has been strong for us.

He is still staring intently at me, his expression unreadable. When he finally speaks the words are almost whispered, like a secret.

"Did you mean it?"

I'm tempted to be obtuse. To ask him what he's talking about, try to pretend it didn't happen. But I can't. I put those words out there because I feel them and I want him to know, regardless of what he feels for me. But I'm still a little cowardly so I say:

"Do you want me to mean it?"

His green eyes stare into mine, unwavering. I watch him swallow hard.

"Yes," he eventually whispers.

I forget to breathe and just sit there watching him. He brings his face closer, his hand to my neck. I feel his intake of breath.

"I love you too, Bella."

He says it a little uncertainly like he is not really sure the words left his lips. But then after the briefest of moments he smiles, and his eyes light up as if a burden has been lifted.

He shakes his head a little, almost laughing.

"I love you. It's -" he grins. "It's bloody obvious!"

Before I can even work out how to respond to such a strange manner of declaration he has crushed his mouth to mine, kissing me hard. I part my lips and he does the same and his breathing is just as ragged as my own. I push my hands into his hair, keeping him as close to me as possible. I never want to let him go. Even though we're kissing I can hardly keep the smile off my face.

He pulls his mouth away and holds me so, so tight, his lips at my ear and no longer laughing.

"God, I love you so much." He murmurs, and I notice the hitch in his voice.

His kisses me again and again, his hands pinning me against him before finally releasing me until we are just grinning at each other like morons.

"There's something else as well."

"What's that?" he smiles.

"When we get home, I'm going to make an appointment...with a therapist."

The sheer relief in his expression makes me hate myself for not being brave enough to do this earlier.

I continue in a soft voice, running my hand through his incredible hair. "I need that closeness. I need to share that with you, give that to you, in a way I never did with anyone else."

I draw a deep breath. "And this time, I'm never giving up. This," I gesture between us, "is too right to not work out, right?"

His beautiful eyes are a little glazed when he bends his head down and gives me the softest of kisses.

"Yes," he murmurs, taking my hand and squeezing it.

"Thank you, Baby." he continues, "Everything will be fine. I truly believe that." And his honest expression tells me he really does.

I turn my face to the ocean - sparkling in the sun. The breeze cools my flushed skin, it feels fresh and alive with possibilities and carries with it my old friend and enemy; hope.

I turn back to Edward.

"Yeah, I'm starting to believe that too."

**A/N**

**Come on, admit it, who thought he was gonna leave her hanging? ;-) I've wanted to share these scenes with you for a while and would love to hear your thoughts. **

**Thanks as always, your feedback makes me so happy. If you wanna chat you can find me on Facebook under Amber's Pen. **

**Take care. ****Amber x**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N**

**Hi guys! I'm glad everyone enjoyed the last chapter, thank you so much for your lovely reviews. And welcome to all the new readers - thank you for giving my story a go. Thank you to Trip for everything, including research into the location of sex therapy clinics! And to Lady V & Heather for keeping my Yank...well, Yankish.**

**For those of you expecting EPOV, many apologies as I got all confused and told a bit of a porky* last time. However, he IS back next chapter.**

**MINOR ANGST WARNING: grab yourself some chocolate, a cozy blanket or a loved one before proceeding. **

***porky = porky pie, lie (Cockney Rhyming Slang)**

**BPOV**

_The air is cold and getting colder by the minute, winter is definitely upon us and the chill bites hard against my skin._

_Jake is practically dragging me through the almost deserted streets of Port Angeles. He holds my hand in his but it feels more like a shackle._

_I look up at him, his jaw set, his eyes black. I used to think him so handsome, so caring. I long for the sweet, happy boy who made mud pies with me and helped my dad carry groceries, but he has almost disappeared these days. This bitter man is left in his place._

_He looks a little ill, and a lot agitated; he hasn't had a drink today. I made him promise never to turn up to therapy drunk after that first time. So far he has kept his promise but now he is twitchy, needy and pissed. He hasn't spoken a single word since we left the session. Our last, not because we're fixed but because we're broke. When the play on words hits me I almost giggle out loud but stop myself just in time. Jake is mad enough and I'm a little hysterical inside I think, if I try to laugh I'm almost certain it will manifest as a cry instead._

_We reach the truck and even though it's mine Jake throws himself into the driver's seat without question. He drives when we're together, it's non-negotiable. He likes to be in control. Which is ironic because after drinking there is nothing controlled about him at all._

_He doesn't start the truck, just stares blankly out of the windshield, gripping the wheel tightly._

_Finally, when I feel I might go insane waiting, he speaks._

_"Well that was a fucking waste of time." His tone is hard and bitter and I feel it all the way to my bones._

_"I...I don't know," I stutter. "It may have helped a little." I take a deep breath. "Maybe if we try some of the exercises she mentioned-"_

_He turns to me, black eyes blazing. "You think we haven't tried enough, Bells!"_

_I shrink a little further into my seat. "No I know we have...a little. But you know how she said we have to persevere? Maybe schedule our own sessions and-"_

_"Scheduling fucking sex?" he rages. "It's ridiculous. And I didn't like some of the things that bitch was insinuating either - that this situation is my responsibility too. Like it was my fault you have this...this condition."_

_He spits the word angrily and I know he wants to say "problem" but Irina, our therapist, has told him not to refer to it in that way._

_A voice inside warns me to keep quiet, not to challenge him but I have things I want to say. A lot of what Irina said makes sense, to me at least. But Jake always runs out of patience._

_Trying for a different tack I reach over and take his hand, stroking it gently. He looks at me and his gaze softens a little._

_"Please, Jake," I beg softly. "Let's just try the things she said. I want this to work just as much as you do."_

_He snorts, rolls his eyes. "Yeah I'm not sure I believe that."_

_But when he sees my crushed expression the anger subsides and he pulls me close, holding me in his giant embrace and making me feel tiny the way he always does._

_"I'm sorry, honey," he whispers. "I know you want this too. I'm just...I just want us to be normal, you know? I wish we saw some progress or something? I'm...frustrated."_

_Desperate for a drink is what he is but I say nothing. I always say nothing._

_He puts a kiss on the top of my head and pulls back starting the truck._

_"Come on, let's get the fuck out of here."_

_When we get home I long for him to come inside with me, to talk some more. It's hard to find a moment to speak rationally with Jake and I want to capitalise on that._

_But I know he won't be spending time with me tonight. He has other priorities, more interesting options than me._

_"Will you come inside?" I ask hopefully; he is already heading to his own car._

_He doesn't even pause to consider._

_"Sorry, Bells, the boys are expecting me. And I really need a drink after all that talking bullshit."_

_His trembling hands are testament to that._

_"Okay," I whisper. "Be safe."_

_He offers me a small smile, and dashes back to offer another kiss on the head. I wish he would just hold me some more._

_"Later, honey," he says, before disappearing up the path and into the fading light._

* * *

><p>Edward's voice cuts through my drifting thoughts, so different from Jake's in every possible way.<p>

I smile at him where he sits beside me on the plastic chairs. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I said, are you sure you don't want me to come in there with you?" He looks concerned for me. His face has been etched with worry all morning.

When we returned to London, after a decidedly awkward goodbye with Carlisle, I registered with the same General Practice as Edward, and made an appointment with a doctor. After I explained the situation he referred me to a psychosexual therapy clinic in Marylebone. I'm a little uncomfortable with its close proximity to the office but Edward says this one has the best therapists and the best reputation. How somewhere like this can even _have_ a reputation is beyond me. Why would anyone ashamed enough to have to come here then decide to talk about it?

I squeeze Edward's hand and try to force my lips from a grimace to a smile.

"Yes, I'm sure," I tell him quietly. "I need to do this by myself."

Edward looks sceptical. "Yes, but the doctor said that we should treat it more as a relationship counselling session, you know, form a bit of a united front."

"We're not fighting a war, Edward!" I try to laugh but it gets caught in my throat. It has actually always felt a little like a battle to me.

Edward brushes a piece of hair back from my face. "You know what I mean, Baby. I want to support you, every step."

The sincerity in his eyes makes my breath catch and my eyes sting. He always manages to look at me in a way that Jake never did, a way that makes me feel breathless and aroused at the same time as comfortable and safe.

Inappropriate though it might be for a sex clinic waiting room, I reach my arms around his neck and pull myself close for a hug. He wraps his arms tightly around me and I breath in his fresh linen and pine scent, it calms my frayed nerves a little.

"You _are_ supporting me," I whisper into his neck. "I just want to do this first session alone, okay?  
>And I'll talk to her about whether I should bring you along next time. It's just she will probably want to know all about my past and..."<p>

Edward pulls back to stare at me, a frown creasing his forehead.

"Are you trying to _protect_ me?"

Shit. Yes.

"No, of course not," I lie. "I just need to do this for myself, okay? Just this first time."

In truth I don't want Edward to have to hear all about Jake and Forks again.

He looks suspicious and his frown is still in place.

"Okay," he says, slowly. "It's your choice, Baby, but I'll be waiting right here if you change your mind."

"You're going to wait here, for an _hour_?" I eye the plastic chairs, fluorescent lighting and general air of misery.

Edward shrugs. "Yeah. Why not?"

"But you shouldn't have to hang around here, be associated with this...place."

"Jesus Christ, Bella!" he exclaims a little too loudly, capturing the attention of a couple of the other people waiting.

He glances around and hastily lowers his voice, takes my face gently in his hands. "When are you going to realise you aren't alone in this? When are you going to allow me to be a part of it?"

I swallow hard. "Why should you _have_ to be a part of it? Why should I be dragging you into this?"

His green eyes are clear and determined and hold me locked in place. "Because I'm a part of you and you're a part of me. And whatever happens, happens to _both_ of us, okay?"

I nod, not trusting my voice.

"I love you," he whispers. "I never want to be without you. And that means I've signed up for good times and bad, right?"

I feel so undeserving of him.

"I love you, too," is all I say.

He kisses my forehead gently just as a voice calls out.

"Bella Swan."

I turn my head to see a red haired woman with a kind face smiling from one of the doorways.

"Yes," I say, turning back to Edward to offer him one small smile that he returns.

"I ain't going anywhere, Bella," he winks, and I don't think he is talking just about today.

* * *

><p>The only similarities Maggie Doyle shares with Irina are being female and a sex therapist. Irina was middle aged and quite straight laced. Although I valued her advice a lot more than Jake did she always had a fairly stern demeanour and reminded me a little of a schoolteacher.<p>

Maggie is barely older than me, dressed very casually in jeans and a tank top and with one of those kind, open faces that you feel compelled to share all your secrets with. I wonder if they teach you something in therapy training about how to appear utterly trustworthy? Because I'm betting Maggie aced that class.

"Take a seat please, Bella." She smiles warmly and gestures towards one of the plush armchairs; she takes the other. On the small table between us there are two glasses of water, and a large box of tissues. I can't keep my eyes off of them, wondering if they order them in bulk and keep a huge stash out back. I'd imagine there are plenty of tears shed in here.

"Bella?" Maggie looks at me a little concerned now, I realise I'm still hovering slightly above the chair, eyes fixed on the tissue box.

I look up and offer a small smile. "Sorry," I murmur, sitting down and taking a steadying breath.

"Try to relax. The first part of today's session we will discuss a little of your history, and any treatments you have already tried, and then we can decide how to get the most from our time together going forward." She has a soft, lilting Irish accent that is very comforting. Maybe she aced the class on tone of voice too.

She glances down at the notebook in her lap.

"Now I understand you were referred from your GP for primary vaginismus, yes?"

I nod.

"And I assume he also gave you a physical exam?"

I cringe, instantly transported back to the day I lay tense and terrified on the doctor's examination table while he attempted an internal exam.

"Yes," I shiver.

"Have you sought counselling for this condition previously?"

"Yes, about a year ago, back in Washington. With my...husband."

"I see," she says, making a brief note. "And your husband? The gentleman in the waiting room?"

I blush hotly. "Um, no. That's my...boyfriend, Edward. I'm in the middle of divorce proceedings."

Maggie just nods calmly as if she hasn't heard anything out of the ordinary, which I suppose she hasn't, people divorce and start new relationships all the time. So why do I feel so uncomfortable?

She continues. "And Edward, he obviously knows you are seeking counselling, is he supportive of that?"

I can't help the smile that slips onto my face. "Yes, very much. He's been great about it."

"Excellent." Maggie says. "In that case, what I suggest we do is begin with a couple of sessions just the two of us where we can talk about your sexual history, first experiences etc. And then involve Edward in a few sessions time so you can begin talking about this process together and dealing the various tasks I give you to try."

I nod again. This is fairly familiar to me, Irina said the same. Jake insisted on joint sessions though, and I remember agreeing, not wanting to exclude or upset him. I thought he was being supportive but I realise now how much he controlled our therapy.

"That sounds good, thank you."

Maggie makes more notes and then settles back a little in her chair. I feel frozen to the edge of mine.

"Okay then, let's get started."

At those words I have strong urge to flee the room but the thought of the gorgeous, patient man outside, and all I want to share with him holds me tightly to the chair.

* * *

><p>When I emerge an hour later, Edward reminds me of Jake for the very first time. It's the hopeful expression on his face, the reassuring but unashamedly optimistic smile. The deep belief that the person behind that door possesses the magical power to heal everything in me that is broken.<p>

Edward smiles _that_ smile and pulls me into a one-armed hug before guiding me outside. He doesn't speak until we're walking along to the subway.

"So, how'd it go?"

I study the sidewalk, and focus on the feeling of his warm skin where he holds my hand and comfortingly strokes with his thumb. I focus on the simple contact that anchors me, grounds me.

After revisiting my past with Maggie, Edward's touch is the only thing that stops my mind from simply drifting back to Forks on a wave of anxiety. I usually don't like to hold hands if we're out in the West End on the off chance we run into someone from Volturi, but today I couldn't care less. I need him.

"It was okay." I tell him. What more does he want me to say? I spent an hour coming to the realisation that I allowed my husband to control me for many years, that I was weak and stupid.

Edward doesn't want to let this go though and I don't know if that makes me feel irritated or supported.

"So what's the plan then?" he asks. "When's the next session?"

"Next week."

He hesitates, glances at me. "And when do you want me to come with you?"

"She says we're just going to have a few sessions, she and I, to discuss the past and possible...trigger points for how the vaginismus came about."

It was impossible to go into any depth about this last time, with Jake sitting right there. And, as much as I don't really want to relive the pain of our wedding night, I know it's desperately important. This time I want to do everything _right_. Aside from what caused the vaginismus in the first place, I know I need to be completely honest with Maggie about what happened with Jake after we broke up too, and this part is what I desperately want to protect Edward from hearing about. The mere idea of discussing Jake's...attack turns my blood to ice. It takes everything I have, every single day, not to think about it. Jake banging his fist on the door before pushing his way inside. Drunk, angrier than I've ever seen him but also desperate; professing his love for me, telling me how sorry he was. The feeling of his arms around me, pushing me back roughly onto the couch. The moment when I realised we were alone and he was so much stronger than me...

"Bella?"

I realise I've stopped walking and Edward is looking down at me, anxious.

"Sorry I was just...remembering."

He nods, swallows, and I have no doubt he knows exactly what I'm thinking about. I can't let him hear the explicit details, I can't. What we have is so wonderful, no way am I going to let what Jake did tarnish it.

I steady my breathing, and try to speak more assuredly. "In a few weeks. You can be there in a few weeks when we start talking about how we can fix this and stuff." I meet his gaze. "Okay?"

"That's fine, Baby, whatever you need. But if you want me there when you talk about...what happened then that's fine too."

"I don't, okay! I don't want you to hear about that!" I fight back the tears that threaten to spill over.

"Okay, okay," Edward says soothingly, before tentatively pulling me into his arms. "That's fine, Baby. Totally fine." I listen to his murmuring voice and try to get control of my emotions. I don't know why I'm getting so irritated now, I was actually fairly calm when talking to Maggie.

By the time we reach my apartment I feel a lot better, calmer. I receive a text from Emmett and that makes my heart a little lighter. We have arranged for him to visit me and he is arriving tomorrow morning. It will be so good to talk to him in the flesh again, get enveloped in one of his bear hugs. So much has happened since I arrived in England and I'm desperate to share it all with him.

"Text from Emmett?" Edward smiles, shrugging off his jacket once we're inside.

"How do you know that?"

He shrugs. "You always get the same look on your face when you hear from him." His smile is marred by the hint of a frown.

"Still makes me a little jealous you know?"

I stand on tiptoes and kiss him quickly. "Ah, but you don't see how my face looks when I get a text from you, do you?" I tease.

He chuckles. "Nope, guess I don't."

I'm relieved that the atmosphere is a little lighter now between us.

"Tea?" I ask him.

"Coffee today please."

I feign a shocked look and he rolls his eyes saying, "I'll do it."

I love watching him make himself at home in my kitchen. I guess we have moved a little fast but I can't find it in myself to care.

While Edward sorts our drinks I look through my mail. Nothing exciting, until I see an envelope bearing my attorney's logo. My heart is instantly pounding.

Fingers shaking slightly I open it and scan the contents. Fuck fuck fuck-

"Fuck!"

Edward looks up, alarmed. "What's up?"

I rest back against the counter, steadying myself.

"How can he do this?" I mutter, fury beginning to build in my stomach.

"Do what?"

I hand Edward the letter, my hand shaking a little. "It's Jake." I tell him. "He contesting the divorce."

"He's _what_?" I watch as Edward hurriedly scans the letter, his jaw clenched.

He throws it back down on the counter. "This is fucking ridiculous. How is this possible? There are no kids, hardly any assets, how can he contest?"

I shake my head, trying to hold back tears for what feels like the millionth time today. "He's just trying to delay it." I tell Edward sadly. "You're right, there are no grounds and he won't be able to prevent the inevitable but this is just a game, a last try. He thinks if he buys more time I'll hear him out."

I know Jake better than anyone and I know how his mind works. He never lets go of things easily; anger, grudges and apparently me.

"Who's your solicitor?" Edward asks, pacing. "This is total bollocks. I'll get you a new one, a better one."

"That will make no difference, Edward! And if anything it will string things out longer. And my lawyer is fine." I actually have no idea if my lawyer is fine but he is all I can afford.

Edward takes a deep breath, I watch him struggle with his temper. "I just want you free of him." He eventually whispers.

"I know. So do I."

An unpleasant thought enters my head. "Shit! This is all my fault!"

"How do you work that out?"

I meet Edward's gaze. "The phone call the other week, when you spoke to him. I never called him back, didn't see any reason to get into all of that. But now I really wish I had, I could have tried to convince him, made him see some kind of sense. Made him see that we are one hundred per cent over."

Edward looks sceptical. "Bella, I really wouldn't beat yourself up over that. Would it have made any difference? From what you've said, this bastard doesn't think rationally."

"I guess not. God, what the hell is he thinking? Does he really think that I'm going to take him back? After everything? I put an _ocean_ between us, for fuck's sake!"

"I know," Edward says sadly, pulling me into his arms. "It will go through eventually, right?"

"Yes," I reply. "I just hate being tied to him any longer than necessary."

"So do I, Sweetheart." He grins a little wryly. "I want you free, so you are truly mine."

I smile back, and breathe deeply. "I will be. I'll call my lawyer later, find out what the plan is."

Edward hands me my drink and we collapse on the couch. This already feels like a really long day.

"Are you sure you want to go tonight?" Edward asks. Tonight is Angela's birthday party, Rose and I have booked a section at a cocktail bar in Soho. To be honest I'm looking forward to it, hoping it can take my mind off all of this.

"Yes, I want to."

"Are you _sure_? I mean, after the session this morning and now this letter, would you not rather just relax?"

"Is this because Rosalie is going?"

He looks taken aback. "No! I'm just concerned that's all."

Suddenly all my irritation from earlier is back.

"I'm going, Edward. I _want_ to go. You can't tell me what to do."

Shit, where did that come from?

Hurt flashes across his face and I instantly feel guilty but it's too late to take back my words.

Deep down I know Edward is the last person I should be lashing out at but my emotions are so up and down today I'm scared what will come out of my mouth next.

He speaks quietly. "I know that, Bella. And I would never try to."

"Okay." I nod, slowly. "Sorry. I think all this Jake stuff is messing with my head."

"I'm sure." Edward agrees sadly. Brightening his tone his asks, "So what do you wanna do this afternoon? Before you have to start getting ready and that."

I suddenly feel exhausted. I usually want nothing more than to spend time with Edward but with the weird mood I'm in today I just feel like I want to be alone, better that than I yell at him anymore.

I bite my lip. "Um, do you think it would be okay if I just hung out on my own for a bit?"

"Of course," he replies, trying to hide his disappointment and putting his jacket back on.  
>"Have fun tonight. Text me when you get in?"<p>

I nod, smile.

At the door he envelops me in his arms and I hug him tighter and longer than usual, just breathing in his scent and enjoying the moment of silence. He holds me close until I pull away, then he drops two soft, slow kisses on my mouth. "See ya, Baby," he whispers and walks out the door.

* * *

><p>After a short nap, a long soak in the bath and some fresh clothes I feel a little better. The worry about future therapy sessions and Jake's contesting of the divorce still linger around my head like a black cloud but the anger and irritation has dissipated at least. I'm hoping a night of drinking and dancing with my new friends will help to keep the dark thoughts at bay.<p>

The bar is already fairly busy when I arrive at eight o'clock.

"Bella!" Angela throws her arms around me the moment I step in the door, already quite clearly a little tipsy. "Rose told me you helped her with the decorations and booking and stuff. Thank you so much!" Her eyes are bright and carefree and her mood is a little contagious.

"Come meet the rest of my friends," she continues, leading me to the section we booked. Introductions are made and I do my best to appear more confident and less shy. If I'm going to be happy living abroad then I'm going to need to make friends outside of Edward.

Rosalie stands up to greet me with a hug and a kiss on both cheeks. She looks stunning as always in a knee length purple satin dress and her perfectly styled, long blonde hair.

"Drink?" she says, giving me a big, genuine smile.

"Sure," I smile back, and try to relax. She pours me a glass of champagne from the bottle she has resting in a bucket on the table. I sit down next to her while the many conversations start back up again.

"So you had a good day?"

_Sure, Rosalie. First I met with a therapist who's going to help me have sex with your ex and then I got home to find out that my psycho ex-husband won't grant me a divorce._

"Sure, it was fine. I went shopping."

As the evening continues and I consume more and more of the delicious champagne, the urge to confide in Rose gets stronger and stronger. We get along so well, we always have a lot to talk about and I don't feel shy around her. She has made several hints about her first serious relationship, some asshole named Royce, and I get the impression it wasn't a healthy one. I don't know what it is but I just feel like she would...understand.

Plus I'm almost certain she knows about Edward and I anyway. At one point, a friend of Angela's whose name I have forgotten in a sea of champagne, flavoured vodka shots and loud music, asks me if I left a man back in America. I admit that I'm divorced but don't divulge any more than that. Then she asks if I have my eye on anyone here and I can see Rosalie watching me out of the corner of her eye, a gentle smile on her lips.

Thankfully, we're interrupted when the vodka shot girl arrives at the table to offer us another round of brightly coloured test tubes of liquor and everyone cheers and practically tackle her.

At some point we wind up on the dance floor, not somewhere I usually feel particularly comfortable but tonight everything feels fluid and shiny and the music is so good! When my feet ache and I'm thirsty I go back to our table and collapse next to Rose, half on top of her really. She laughs and helps me into my own seat.

"You all right?" she grins.

"Yep!" I reply, reaching for my drink. Drink is good.

"Rosalie Hale!" Suddenly, a beautiful brunette is standing over us and Rose leaps up to kiss both her cheeks.

I catch her say "What are you doing here?" but the rest of their conversation is drowned out by the music. I close my eyes and rest my head back on the cushioned booth seat; it's really, really soft...

"Hey, Bella," Rose says. "Come meet Kim." She pulls me to my feet and I stumble a little before grinning at the stranger. "Hey!"

"Bella, this is Kimberly. She 's a client of mine at Knox. Kim this is Bella Swan, she works at Volturi, Ed Cullen's assistant. You know Ed, right?"

Kim turns to me, holding out her hand, eyes twinkling. "Hi Bella," and then to both of us. "And yes I _definitely_ know Eddie."

She's clearly a little drunk herself and her lips smirk when she says Edward's name. My blood pumps a little faster.

"So how's he doing these days?" She asks me, in a conspiratorial tone, clinging onto my arm looking like she may fall over.

I swallow, and try to find my voice. I have a bad feeling about this. "Yes, he's good."

"Not bad to look at, eh?" She continues, again smirking a little. Something feels weird here and I'm desperately trying to work out if this woman is a past flame of my boyfriend's, or just someone who wishes she was. _Please be the latter, please be the latter._

I smile, politely. "Yeah he's definitely attractive." I reply.

"Hey, Bella," Kim says, close to my ear and slurring a little. "Can you give him a message from me?"

I nod, my heart racing.

"Tell him thanks and that next time," she lowers her voice to a stage whisper. "He doesn't have to sneak out without saying goodbye."

She pulls back, laughing to herself. I feel sick. Rose is giving Kim an awkward smile and I try to stop the room from spinning. I realise, with horrifying clarity, that I'm standing between two gorgeous women, both of whom have fucked my boyfriend when I haven't. When I _can't_. For a horrible second I wonder if I'm going to puke but then I remember to breathe and drag in a lungful of air. I smile, try to laugh along with Kim, ignore Rose's curious stare.

"I'll pass that on," I tell her. "Excuse me a moment."

I stumble away, grinding to a stand still somewhere between the bathroom and the bar. The misery of today's events hits me full in the stomach. I'm fucked up. A fucked up, frigid freak who made her husband utterly miserable but also messed so much with his self-esteem that he can't let me go. A masochistic freak who crossed an ocean to start afresh and then began a relationship with a man who has fucked half of London.

I realise I have two choices for how to deal with this. I could hide in the bathroom till I can breathe properly again and then sneak home to sob into my pillow like the sexually dysfunctional loser that I am. Or I can go to the bar and try to salvage the evening.

This time, the bar wins.

Rose looks a little concerned when I arrive back at the table.

"Are you okay?"

"Yup!" I throw myself back into the booth, spilling a little of the vodka out of the test tubes in my hands. I hand one to Rose.

"More?" she frowns.

"Why the fuck not!" I hear myself say in a slightly hysterical voice that I barely recognise. I have a brief image of Jake, slurring and stumbling around the living room, holding a shot glass but I quickly push it to the back of mind.

She brings the glass reluctantly to her mouth.

"Wait wait wait! We need a toast, Rosie!"

"We do?" She asks with a wry smile.

"Yes," I hold my finger up while I think. My mind doesn't seem able to move as quickly as it usually does. Then it strikes me, the memory of the last time I toasted a shot in Soho. I feel my face twist into an ironic grin. _Perfect._

"To the truth!" I almost yell.

I don't look at Rosalie and just knock back my shot. I can barely even taste it.

Afterwards, I lean in close to her ear.

"There's something I need to tell you, Rose." I whisper.

"O-kay." She looks a little uncomfortable but I ignore it and plough on.

"You are my friend, yes?"

"Of course, Bella."

"And friends are _supposed_ to be honest with each other."

Rose nods, eyeing me carefully.

"Then you should know that _I'm_..." I pause, suddenly stumped as to how to phrase this. A part of me wants to say "_I'm_ fucking Edward." It's a horrible way of putting it but they fucked him and I want to make it clear that he's one hundred per cent mine now. But if I say that it will technically be another lie. In the end I settle for simplicity.

"I'm with Edward."

Rose says nothing.

"Me. Edward Cullen is _my_ boyfriend."

Oh god, why am I saying this? I sound like a school kid. A part of me is floating above us, pointing downwards and laughing.

I finally sneak a glance at Rosalie. She is nodding, smiling, not at all surprised but I do see concern and the tiniest bit of pity in her eyes.

"I know, Bella," she says.

"I knew it! I knew you already knew!" I lean closer to her. "So how did you know?"

"Well I didn't _know_ as such but I strongly suspected." She laughs a little. "You can't lie for shit, Bella. And neither can he I guess. His face at the bar that time said it all, I've never seen him look so _possessive_ before."

She looks a little sad and I'm suddenly hit by how awkward this is. Were I sober I'm fairly certain I'd be horrified by now but as it is I just feel sleepy and a little sick and bizarrely like I want to hug Rose.

Rose looks at me a bit more intently, determined.

"The thing is though, is everything okay with him? I mean you're calling him your boyfriend but the Ed I used to know didn't do any kind of commitment."

Even drunk, I don't miss the grimace that crosses her face.

I nod, feel quieter now, and a little stupid.

"Oh he's definitely committed," I murmur. _The poor guy_, I think miserably.

"He is?" Rose looks more curious than hurt I'm relieved to note.

"Yeah...he...we're in love."

Might as well put it all out there.

Now Rose looks positively shocked.

"He told you he loves you?" She whispers eventually, awed.

I nod.

"Bloody hell." She mutters. "That's a turn up for the books."

"Yep," I whisper.

She sighs. "Okay I have to ask something then. If you're in love with a hot bloke and he loves you back then why are you being a completely miserable drunk tonight?"

I frown. "I'm not."

"Sweetie, you are. I'm kinda worried about you."

I'm so tempted to tell her everything but I'm not so drunk not to realise that I can't. Getting drunk and spilling mine and Edward's secrets would make me just as bad as Jake.

I close my eyes, and rest my head back. "Just a bad day," I mutter.

I must drift off to sleep for a minute because the next thing I know Rose is shaking me a little.

"Come on, I think it's time we got you home."

"Yes," I mumble, thinking of Seattle. "Emmett is at home. I miss Emmett."

"Not that home, babe." Rose says with a sigh, helping me to my feet. I open my eyes but everything is so blurry.

"I miss Daddy too," I tell her.

Both the Rosalies in front of me smile sadly. "I know."

She links my arm through hers and begins pulling us towards what I assume is the exit, the direction is a little difficult to decipher.

"I'm not sure you should go home alone like this. Do you want me to stay with you?"

I shake my head. "Edward."

"You want to go to Edward's?"

I nod, several times, I can't seem to stop my head bobbing.

"Eclipse Crescent, right? In Camden."

I feel nauseous again. Well of course she knows where he lives. She knows everything; his street, his bed, how it feels to have him moving inside her.

"I can get myself home, actually!" I yank my arm away and begin stumbling through the crowd,

Rose is calling and coming after me but I move fast, pushing people aside.

Once I'm outside I drag in huge lungfuls of air and continue to walk quickly in what I think is the direction of the station. Oh why is Soho so fucking confusing? A grid of little side streets and every one looks the same right now. I take off in the direction I think leads to Oxford Street and the subway.

"SHIT!" Suddenly something hits me square in the face. Hard. I blink a few times, stumbling backwards. I try to clear my blurred vision and just make out the lamppost right in front of me. Jesus! Did I just walk into that?

My head is pounding and I feel even more sick. I grab hold of the post to try to steady myself. I breathe deeply, trying to see straight but my vision is tunnelled. All I can see are the images floating in the front on my mind - Edward, Rosalie, Kim, Emmett, Dad, Jake, Maggie...

My hearing becomes muffled, the tunnel gets smaller and the ground flips up to hit the side of my face. I close my eyes and feel strangely relieved when the darkness slips over me.

**A/N**

**So...you trust me, don't you? ;-)**

**A couple of things. GP = General Practitioner, a general doctor in the UK, with no particular specialism who you can go to intitially with any problem. **

**I've played a little fast and loose with Washington divorce law here - from my research it seems you _can_ contest a divorce the way Jacob is but he'd have to have done it a few months earlier. So I apologise to any divorce lawyers who may be reading for that abuse of artistic license. **

**Finally, last week I read MarLea Pie's _Feisty in Four Inch Heels_ - it's soooooooo much fun and very well-written. I would love for you to check it out :-) **

**Reviews make me very happy, thank you.**

**Amber x**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed last time, and for your trust and faith. It was a _very_ tough chapter to write and I'm really glad you liked it. Rose is an interesting one, eh? There seems to be a 50/50 split at the moment, some of you love her and some still very unsure. But that's fine because Ed isn't sure either, I guess we'll see what happens...**

**I am indebted as always to Trip, Heather and Lady V for their beta'ing, pre-reading and encouragement, especially this time when RL meant I gave them very little turn around time. Love you all! xxx**

**Now I don't know if you missed him as much as I did but I can tell you it's _bloody lovely_ to have our sexy Englishman back in my head again. **

**EPOV (yay!)**

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that Jasper Whitlock is my closest mate, has my back in almost all things and is an all round top bloke. He's a diamond. But if I have to listen to this bollocks for one moment longer I will have no choice but to give him a black eye.

"It's just such a fucking _relief_, Ed!" His eyes are all excited and, to be honest, it's a little creepy.

"You know, I don't think I even realised how miserable I was with Maria until now. Until being with someone so different, so fun, so easygoing."

The fact that he thinks my sister is easygoing demonstrates beautifully just how high maintenance Maria was.

"Everything just _fits_, you know?"

I roll my eyes but I don't think he notices.

"Plus - okay I know she's your sister but hear me out - the sex-"

"Fucking Hell, J!"

"What?" he smirks. "I wasn't going to go into _specifics_ or anything just-"

"Whitlock, I _swear_ if you finish _any_ sentence that involves my sister and sex I will make you sorry."

Jasper laughs, holding up his hands. "All right, all right, got it."

He takes a swig of beer and tries to contain his smug grin. While Bella is at Angela's birthday do, J and I are having a few pints in _Equius_ to celebrate him finally finding a decent flat. Much as I like the guy, I cannot wait for him to be out of my home. That sofa should be for fun stuff like eating Chinese, playing Xbox and feeling up my gorgeous girlfriend.

"What's got your gob anyway, Cullen? You look miserable."

"Oh I'm just a little worried about Bella."

"Worried? Why? Ali says you two were nauseatingly happy down in Southend."

It's slowly dawning on me that the two people closest to me, and also the two people who most love to stick their noses into my life, are now a bloody _team_. No good can come from this.

But Southend _was_ amazing; seeing Bella in my home, on my streets - windswept and smiling and beautiful - felt...right. And so did finally saying the words I'd been afraid of.

I clear my throat. "Yeah. No. I mean things are great with _us_." God, I'm so not used to talking about this stuff. "She just has some issues she has to deal with."

Jasper quirks an eyebrow and I realise how close I am to letting stuff slip.

"You know, with her ex I mean." I say quickly. "He's...well, fuck mate, I think maybe he's actually kinda dangerous and - I don't know - I worry about how she's handling it all."

_Well if you're spilling your guts, Cullen, you may as well leave your bollocks at the door too._

"I guess I'm worried that with everything else going on she'll think we're...I don't know, rushing it or something."

J is still frowning. "So what else _is_ going on?"

Seriously, he actually thinks he's a detective.

"Oh nothing, just her divorce, it's just tough that's all."

He snorts. "Well yeah you don't have to explain that to me, I'm in the middle of that shit myself."

He smiles. "Hey, I definitely need to get to know Bella better I think. We have a lot in common - both separated and shagging a Cullen."

"Wafer thin ice, mate." I warn, but I'm smiling because I know he's just joking to get a rise out of me, and I know how crazy he is about Alice. Jesus, everyone in a ten mile radius knows that.

"Anyway, there's no point worrying about her right now, she's on the piss having a great time isn't she?"

"Yeah I hope so." After everything that happened today I'm worried that Bella may go a bit too mad to compensate. Believe me, I've been there. Plus I still can't help being suspicious of Rosalie. What does she want with us?

"Another?" Jasper asks, standing up.

I nod and he heads to the bar.

My phone vibrates in my pocket and my heart leaps, hoping it will be Bella so I can know she's fine and having a good time (apparently I'm _still_ a total pussy). When I pull it out and look at the screen I see it's a mobile number I don't have programmed. Strange.

"Hello?"

"That you Ed?"

I sit bolt upright. "Rose?"

"Yeah, it's me," she says, with a small sigh. Why the hell is she calling me? Shit, unless...

"What is it? Is Bella ok?"

_Fuck! _What am I saying? She isn't supposed to know about us!

"Okay, listen, don't freak or anything because she's _fine_," My heart skips and then races, my mouth dry. "But she is at the hospital."

Even though she said not to worry I can't stop the wave of panic that floods over me.

"What happened?" My voice comes out like a croak.

"She just got a little drunk and hurt herself. She's okay but they are keeping her in for a little while and I thought you'd want to know."

Presumably, Bella has spilled all to Rosalie then but I couldn't care less about that, I just need to be with her, make sure she's all right.

"Which hospital?" I ask, already out of my chair.

* * *

><p>I spot Rosalie instantly when I burst through the door of University College Hospital A&amp;E. She's sitting on one of the plastic chairs, staring blankly at the wall.<p>

"Where is she?" I demand, rushing over.

"Down the corridor but they kicked me out while the doctor examines her."

"I need to see her _right now_." My pulse is flying and I can't relax until I know she's okay.

"Ed," Rose says, holding my gaze. "Calm the fuck down, she's fine. You can see her in a minute."

I take a proper look at her, she looks knackered but then it is 3am.

"What happened? How badly is she hurt?" I find myself unable to keep still, pacing back and forth.

"She walked into a lamppost."

For a second this strikes me as funny, a standard beer injury, but then I remember we're talking about Bella and my heart races again thinking about her gorgeous face all smashed up.

"How bad?"

"She's knocked about a bit, bruised and stuff. And she hurt her wrist when she passed out."

"She passed out? Fuck. _Fuck_." I pace and pace until Rose stands up too and puts her hand on my arm.

"Ed, get your shit together," she says, but it's gentle. "Why don't you sit down?"

I nod, take a deep breath and collapse onto the chair next to her.

"So how long was she out?" I feel sick that she was unconscious, that something worse might have happened to her. I wasn't there, I wasn't looking after her.

"Five minutes or so I think, I found her just as she was going down."

I narrow my eyes at Rose. "Why was she by herself?"

Rationally, I know Bella isn't Rose's responsibility, that nobody needs to babysit her. She's a grown woman, but she's so...vulnerable today. God, my chest hurts.

"She was off her head, I was helping to get her home - well to yours actually." She sneaks a glance at me, half curious and half uncomfortable. "Then she got all upset and ran off. I went after her and found her knocked out."

"Jesus. She shouldn't have gone out tonight." I mutter.

"Eh?"

I remember where I am, who I'm talking to. "Um, nothing. She just had a challenging day today that's all."

"Yeah I worked out that much." Rose says, with a sigh. I study her more closely. She seems genuinely concerned for Bella. She brought her here, after all, waited with her. She even called _me_. Is it possible that she really is just Bella's friend?

A silence descends on us and the air feels thick with tension. Every other time I've seen Rose since she left Volturi, at work functions, conferences etc, she has been confident, chatty, overly friendly. Insincere. Now I realise how much of that was an act. Here she is stripped back to, well, _Rose_. Rose who fought with me over which parts of the presentation she wanted to give. Rose, who drinks white wine spritzers even though they aren't cool. Rose, who pretends to be asleep when you leave in the middle of the night.

Rose, who I treated like shit.

What can I possibly have to say to her right now? Sorry I treated you like a whore? Sorry I was so emotionally stunted I failed to notice when our convenient shag-fest turned into something else until it was too late and I hurt you? Perhaps just...sorry.

But I can't, the words are buried under a pile of awkwardness I don't seem to have the energy to crawl out from.

She looks at my profile, frowning. Then looks up the corridor, then back at me.

"What?" I growl quietly, irritated under her scrutiny.

"It's true, isn't it?" She sounds surprised, almost awed. "You actually love her, don't you?"

I feel hot, my palms a little sweaty. I'm really not okay talking to her about this; I'd really like to get away from this God-awful atmosphere. But that's not going to happen.

"Yeah," I whisper.

She lets out a bark of surprised laughter but it isn't bitter. "Ed Cullen in love. Guess a leopard can change his spots, eh?"

I offer her a wry smile. "Guess so."

She grows more serious. "Listen, I need to-"

"Ms Hale?" A young nurse stands in front of us and I leap up. "The doctor is finished with your friend now if you want to go back in."

"I'll stay here," Rose tells my retreating back as I practically sprint down the corridor. The nurse leads me into a side room, there are four beds but only two are occupied. A tramp hurling into a sick bowl and-

"Bella!" I run over to where she is giving me a small smile and gather her into my arms.

She lets out a little yelp of pain.

"Oh shit! Sorry!" I realise I must have caught her injured arm between us when I hugged her and pull back hastily.

"It's okay," she whispers, extricating said arm and I pull her back to me more gently this time.

I breathe in the smell of her hair and my chest feels tight.

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah," she murmurs. "Just kinda sick and dizzy, my face was really hurting but it's less now they've given me some pain killers."

I pull back to look at her more closely.

"Bloody hell, Sweetheart." I ghost my fingers over where her left eye is swollen to the size of a pool ball, black bruising already shadowing underneath.

"That's gonna be one hell of a shiner. What did the doc say?"

"I have a pretty bad concussion, and maybe a sprained wrist, they are sending me for an x-ray. But I'm totally fine, just utterly embarrassed."

I drag my chair close to the edge of the bed, pull her hand into my lap and hold it tightly.

"What happened, baby?"

She shrugs. "I just had too much to drink, made an idiot of myself."

"Were you thinking about...everything?"

Her bottom lip quivers slightly and she clamps down on it with her teeth. Tears pool in her eyes. I resist the urge to drag her into another bone-crushing cuddle.

"Yes. I guess. I just wanted to forget this whole day."

I nod. "I wish you had talked to me about it earlier. I want to help you."

I push my chair flush against the bed, putting my arm around her again. She rests her head on my chest, tears silently soaking into my t-shirt. Underneath her head my heart pounds, afraid for her, for myself, unfamiliar with feeling so much.

"I'm sorry, Edward," she whispers.

I frown. "What for?"

"Everything. Pushing you away. Freaking out and getting drunk and stupid."

I take a deep breath. "I've been drunk and stupid enough times to understand, Sweetheart."

We are silent for a few moments, I bask in the relief that she is safe and in my arms. Eventually, in a small, shaky voice, she says, "I'm still afraid of needing you."

I could give her a bunch of platitudes, tell her she doesn't have to be afraid of that because I'm not going anywhere. I _want_ her to need me. Instead I just tell her the entirely honest thought at the very front of my mind.

"I'm afraid of needing you too."

I pull back to look at her, so beautiful, even bruised and sick and sad.

Seeing her in pain, physical and emotional, rips a hole in my chest. This, right here, this feeling is what I've shied away from for 8 years. This is why I've kept up my guard, so I never had to feel pain - mine or someone else's - ever again.

I'm a fucking idiot.

Because if you keep out pain you keep out happiness too.

I kiss her softly, careful to keep my hands away from her bruises. When we pull back she actually laughs a little.

"God, this is stupid. I'm always crying all over you. This morning was supposed to be the beginning of something good."

"It _was_, Bella. It _is_. You're going to be totally fine when you get used to talking to someone again. And maybe if you let me _in_?"

"I think that's the entire _point_ isn't it?" She suddenly giggles.

"Yeah I guess so," I laugh a little too, because if you can't do that what can you do?

"So you told Rose about us?"

"Ugh, yes. I'm sorry, I just needed to be honest with just one person you know? It kinda slipped out."

"Hey, don't apologise. I'm happy to tell people, remember? And if you hadn't-"

I pause when I realise a horrible truth that makes my blood run cold.

"Okay, we _have_ to go public."

Bella's eyes widen in alarm. "What? Why? I only told Rosalie, we don't have-"

"We _do_. Shit." I drag a hand through my hair and fix my gaze on hers. "Bella, if you hadn't mentioned us to Rose, she never would have called me when you got hurt. Jesus, what if something worse happened to you and you couldn't tell anyone to call me, I wouldn't have even known you were here!"

I feel sick at the thought that I might still be happily drinking with Jasper, oblivious to Bella lying in a hospital bed.

She looks uncertain. "I...please, not yet. I don't want Aro to know."

"I've told you, I can handle Aro. This isn't as big a deal as you think, you know. British bosses are a lot more cool about this stuff."

"But I don't want to jeopardise my position here. I'm only on a secondment, what if he sends me back?"

I realise there is genuine fear in her eyes.

"Is that was this is really all about?" I ask, softly. "You're afraid of being sent home?"

She shrugs. "I guess. I don't know where home is really. I don't know where I belong right now, but I'd prefer it were a few thousand miles away from Jake."

"You belong with _me_, all right." Jesus, when did I become so corny?

But she's smiling.

"So we can keep it a secret just a little while longer?" She asks, hopefully.

What else can I do? "Okay."

Rose comes back in and sits with us and then the nurse arrives to take Bella for her x-ray. As they suspected nothing is broken, her wrist is just sprained. She is sick several times though and the doctor isn't happy with her vision and dizzy spells so they decide to keep her in for the rest of the day at least.

When Rose goes to get some tea Bella turns to me a little urgently.

"Can you do me a favour? This really isn't comfortable-" She gestures to her outfit from earlier, "could you go to my apartment and get me some sweats and my toothbrush?"

I hesitate. "I really don't want to leave you. I can ask Rose."

"No, no, it's gotta be you. I left some paperwork that Maggie gave me on the counter, I don't want Rose to see it."

Christ, neither do I.

"Okay then, I'll be as quick as I can. Where are your keys?"

I run into Rosalie in the corridor almost literally.

"Hi." She smiles, awkwardly. God, this is so uncomfortable it almost hurts! I much preferred it when we could be fake and pretend nothing had ever happened.

"I'm just going to Bella's to get her stuff," I tell her. "Are you all right to stay here for a bit or do you need to get off? I'm sure she'll be fine but..."

"Of course I'll stay, Ed," she says gently.

I smile gratefully and turn to go before whipping back.

"Rose?"

"Yep?"

"Thanks for calling me...and for being a good mate. To Bella I mean." I hastily add.

"No worries," she says and walks off, leaving me wondering if tossing Rosalie Hale back into my life is fate's way of punishing me for casual sex.

* * *

><p>The Tube is quiet; it's still early for a Sunday. When I step out at Camden Town the skies darken and rain begins to fall in an intense burst that is typical of London in "summer". Head down against the weather I barely notice the figure at the front door of Bella's building until I'm almost upon him. A huge guy, huddled under her porch with his phone to his ear. Whoever he is trying to call clearly isn't answering and he doesn't look happy about it.<p>

"Can I help you, mate?"

He looks up a little startled, agitated.

"Oh, hey, maybe. Do you live here?"

I freeze when I hear his American accent. My fists clench, my blood pumps faster. Is this _him_? He's finally come here for her?

"Who are you?" I grit out. But even as he goes to reply I realise there is something familiar about his features, I've seen a photo of him somewhere. A slimmer, younger version but it's definitely-

"Emmett!" His name comes out on a gust of air and realise what an idiot I must look. "You're Emmett."

He frowns. "Yeah..." Then his eyebrows lift in realisation. "Oh right, you're Edward."

"Yeah, that's right. Sorry, I was a bit...well never mind. Come on, come in."

I put Bella's key in the lock and his eyebrow cocks higher, smirking a little.

"You have a key?"

I'm not really sure how that is his business but there's no point me being a dick about it I guess.

I push the door open. "Yeah, although only for today. Bella asked me to get something."

Emmett follows me into the hallway and up the stairs to Bella's door. Inside he throws down his bags and looks at me expectantly, still frowning.

"So where is she? She knows I was coming and it's too early to be out already."

The truth is Bella clearly forgot about his arrival in the midst of getting hurt and so did I. The problem is now I have to tell this stranger all about what happened last night.

I drag my hand through my hair, it's getting a real battering today. "Er...she's in hospital."

"What!"

_Yeah good one, Cullen, that was delicately done._

Emmett has taken a step closer and looks seriously pissed off.

"She's totally fine, nothing to worry about. Just banged her head last night so they are keeping her in for concussion. We should have called you, sorry, but obviously it was all a bit manic."

He hasn't stepped back and he's still staring at me like he's thinking about hitting me.

"Banged her head? What the fuck did you _do_?"

His question may as well be a blow, as I feel it right in my stomach. How can he ask me that?

"I didn't _do_ anything. Jesus Christ."

His mouth is a hard line, his face grim.

"What the hell happened then?"

I don't care if this bloke is built like a brick shithouse, he needs to curb his accusatory tone before I lose it.

I take a deep breath. "She was drunk, she walked into a post and hit her head, her eye."

We stare at each other for a beat longer. Finally, he steps back and actually chuckles a little. This guy is clearly mental.

"Yeah," he mutters. "That sounds like her actually."

I stare at him hard, silent. He finally has the grace to look a little sheepish.

"Sorry about that, man. I'm just a bit protective."

For some reason, his being protective over Bella doesn't make me feel much better.

"Well she doesn't need protecting from _me_, all right?"

He nods slowly. "Okay, I'm sorry. I'm just cranky, took the red-eye and didn't sleep a wink and then I had no idea where she was. Let's start over."

He holds out his hand "Emmett McCarty."

His grin is just ironic enough to calm me down and make me smile back.

"Ed Cullen." No way is he calling me Edward.

"Give me five minutes, I'll just go get Bella's stuff and I'll take you to see her."

"Is she really okay?" Emmett looks so concerned for her. Why does that irritate me?

"Yeah she's fine. She's concussed, like I say, they are just keeping an eye on her. She'll be home later."

It dawns on me that Emmett is clearly going to be staying here, in Bella's flat, and again I feel annoyed. I need to get a handle on...whatever this is. I know he's her best friend, her family really.

I catch him quickly glance down at the pamphlets left on the worktop just where Bella said. He quickly moves his eyes away, but avoids looking at me. I grab them and shove them in a drawer.

"Five minutes." I mumble and dive into the comfort of Bella's bedroom. I gather some clothes, toothbrush, toothpaste and the make-up remover she asked for into a bag and join Emmett in the living room where he is wandering around looking at everything curiously.

"Nice place." He muses, eyeing a jumper and pair of trainers that both belong to me. "You stay here a lot?"

Is he deliberately trying to wind me up or something?

"Yes." _Obviously._

He looks like he wants to say something more then changes his mind.

"Come on, I'm done." I tell him and lead him outside.

The journey to the hospital is quiet. I try to make small talk but there is only so much we can say about the weather and his flight. Between him, Rosalie, Bella's accident and no sleep this is already a bloody long day. I comment on some football stats from the paper left on the seat next to me but he clearly has no clue about "soccer". Same as his views on Seattle's baseball team mean very little to me.

Of course the one thing we really have in common is Bella but most topics surrounding her are clearly out of bounds. I know he knows a lot about her relationship with Jake and I'm dying to pry but firstly that would be a break in Bella's trust that I would never make and secondly it's not really appropriate for me to start asking those questions when I only just met the guy. Similarly, I know he knows all about Bella's sexual situation and I can only assume she has shared our current status with him, he certainly didn't look surprised when he spotted the therapy literature, but hell will freeze over before I discuss my sex life, or lack there of, with a virtual stranger. This whole thing is difficult enough. So we sit in uncomfortable quiet, a conversation unsaid in the air between. I wonder if it's possible to die from over-exposure to awkwardness.

We reach the hospital after what seems like hours.

I poke my head round Bella's door, knocking gently.

"Hey, baby, I found someone." I smile.

Her gaze lands on Emmett and I can't help but laugh at the adorable combination of chagrin and delight in her expression.

"Oh shit! I forgot you!"

Emmett just laughs and wraps his giant arms around her.

"Don't worry about it, babe."

_Babe?_ Ugh.

"I think I'll forgive you given the circumstances."

She giggles. Her face says it all, she is so happy to see him and I don't know if that makes me pleased for her or just jealous as hell.

"Let me look at you." He takes her chin in his hand and my fingers twitch.

Mine.

_Fucking hell, Cullen, Neanderthal moment or what? Get. A. Grip._

"What happened? Trying to walk and chew gum at the same time again?" He teases, she laughs and I feel invisible.

He grows more serious, looking at her bruised face more closely, her bandaged wrist. His eyes go from one to the other and he shoots a sharp glance to me, his expression stormy.

Oh I would so like to land one on him right now.

"What really happened then?" He demands.

_We already covered this, prick._

Bella frowns. "Did Edward not explain?"

"Yes, I did." I say pointedly, sitting down on the other side of the bed.

She looks at him questioningly.

"I want _you_ to tell me, Bells."

_Don't hit him don't hit him don't hit him._

"I got drunk, walked into a lamppost. I did this," she raises her arm, "on the way to the ground."

Bella smiles reassuringly, Emmett nods slowly and it takes everything I have to resist the urge to connect my fist with his accusing face.

"Okay," he says, finally. "Just as long as you're okay." He leans in and gives her another quick hug.

"I'm fine, Em. You know what a klutz I am."

He laughs. "I do know." He then begins regaling me with tales of several of Bella's clumsy encounters as if he hasn't just accused me, _twice_, of hitting my girlfriend . Is this bloke on acid or something?

I listen though, happy to consume as much information as I can about Bella.

Although it's lovely to see my girl completely relaxed with someone she clearly knows so well I can't help feeling tired and irrationally moody. A large part of me wants to grab my vulnerable girlfriend, take her away from this place and hole up just the two of us, where I can cuddle her and keep her safe. Unfortunately, this isn't going to be possible while Emmett is here and I'm unreasonably pissed off about it.

Maybe _I'm_ the one that should be in therapy.

Ironically, it's Rosalie who ends up breaking my melancholy. When she enters the room Emmett leaps from his seat as if it's on fire. After they are introduced it becomes quite clear that Bella may as well be invisible to him. I'm certain my face settles into a permanent smirk while I sit back and watch him turn on the charm - exaggerating his accent, flashing her his megawatt smile and - oh my God - _dimples_? This bloke should do those cheesy, late-night American infomercials.

Meanwhile, Rose turns into the playful, giggling flirt I'm familiar with being on the receiving end myself. Credit where credit's due, apparently zero sleep and a budding hangover don't seem to slow her down when there's a cocky Yank eye-fucking her.

What a brilliant development. While Emmett is occupied trying to get his end away, he isn't pawing all over my bird and while Rose is flicking her hair and pushing her tits in Emmett's face she isn't shooting me uncomfortable glances. And I'm free to be with Bella. Win-win.

Bella shoots me an amused grin, alleviating any residual fears I may have about her feelings towards her best friend. While Emmett and Rosalie chat I slide closer to her, sneaking a teasing kiss.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better."

"Oh, here's your stuff," I remember, handing her the bag of things I collected from her flat.

"Thank you," she smiles at me like I've just given her a great gift. For the millionth time I marvel at how no other woman has ever come close to making me feel what Bella does.

"Oh and your key," I hand her back the bunch.

She looks from the keys to me and back again, smiling shyly, before sliding one off the ring.

"This is the spare." She bites her lip and I fight the urge to lean in and suck it how I want to. "Do you want to have it?"

"You're giving me a key to your place?" I ask, surprised.

She looks a little nervous now. "Um...yeah, I mean, if you want it."

Our conversation now seems to have captured the attention of Emmett and Rosalie who have fallen silent, watching us. Rose stares with rapt fascination and Emmett's protective frown is back in place.

In my almost 30 years I have never once held a key to my girlfriend's house. I never even _had_ a real girlfriend until a couple of months ago. I guess to a lot of people it isn't a big deal, but to me it is. Bella has trusted me with her heart and now she is inviting me further into her life too.

Trying to pretend we're not being watched by Mr and Mrs Slutty I take the key and grin. I feel like I should say something cute or clever but in the end I settle for leaning in and kissing her.

"Yes, please." I murmur, with the knowledge that no matter how many issues we have, or how many of my ex-flings she decides to befriend, or how cocky her male best mate is, Bella Swan is mine.

And I want the whole fucking world to know about it.

**A/N**

**Nicer place to end it this time, right?**

**I'm really excited to tell you guys that The Search has been nominated for a Wordsmith Award for Best Canon Story (that means canon pairing). I'm so incredibly touched and thrilled about it. Voting doesn't begin until 17th May, and shameless pimper that I am, you know I'll remind you again nearer the time but in the meantime feel free to check out the site and the many other categories and nominations (including Snow Job for Best Jasper, whoop!).**

**wordsmithawards .blogspot .co .uk**

**As always, I'm dying to get your feedback so please review. For teasers, recs and general ramblings please find me on Facebook under Amber's Pen.**

**Love always**

**A xxx**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed last time, I really love hearing your thoughts and theories. **

**Huge thanks to Trip who really had her work cut out with the mess I sent her this time, and to my awesome American pre-readers - _ladyeire3_ and _dreamalittledream83_ - who make sure only my Brits sound British. **

**Bit of a mixed bag this week, but some of it may give you a toothache. Here's your fluffy dose of a special sugar I like to call _fictose_...**

**EPOV**

The following week passes painfully slowly. Bella had fortunately already requested time off to hang out with Emmett and do the tourist thing around town. I wouldn't want her attempting to type with her sprained wrist so from this perspective, I'm really glad that Emmett is here and can take care of her. It truly baffles me how Americans can be so fascinated by our Royal Family, but I'm not about to ruin their fun.

Without Bella, the office is a much duller place for me. I miss not only my girlfriend but my assistant too, Angela is covering and she's great but I love how passionate Bella is about keeping us on top of everything.

I bury myself in work instead and I must admit catching up is decidedly easier when I'm not constantly distracted by the beautiful brunette sitting outside my office. The Coleman project is proceeding well and we're getting close to making some placements, Aro is pleased with me and I feel the familiar thrill of excitement that I always get from headhunting.

This week gives me time to reflect too, to compare the Ed Cullen of two months ago to the one of today. Having no cares outside of work, my sister and my mother, was a very simple, straightforward existence. I could work late whenever I wanted and no one would mind, but did that really just mean no one _cared_? I could go out drinking and pick up whichever woman I chose but did I feel much desire for _any_ of them?

Now everything is different. My whole existence revolves around another person and, although the feeling is entirely alien to me, it feels incredibly _right_. I _want_ her to care how long I spend at the office. I _want_ to be fiercely loyal to her because she affects me more than all of my previous conquests combined.

I haven't been used to caring about someone else but now I can't even remember how I lived the other way.

I still think we should come clean to Aro and the rest of the company. As far as I can tell, Volturi Executive Search doesn't have a non-fraternisation policy and life would be so much better, and simpler, if our colleagues knew about Bella and me. There is no way they would be able to transfer Bella back to the States for such a thing. It feels like she is being a little paranoid to be honest, but if Bella wants to wait that's what we'll do, for a little longer at least. She has been through enough, there's no way I'm going to push her on this.

I don't like to think about Bella's secondment ending, but in a few months she will officially be required to go back to America, by Volturi at least. With Kate permanently gone, I don't see any reason why her contract here can't be made permanent; I've already started a password protected document which lists her extensive PA skills and all her achievements so far in case I need to make a case for keeping her to management. We need her but headcount in this place is ridiculously rigid. Ironic really when our entire livelihood rests on other companies increasing their headcount.

Of course, all this would depend on Bella _wanting_ to stay in the UK permanently anyway. She talks of how much she never wants to return to Forks but what about the rest of Washington, the rest of the US? It's home to her and one day she'll possibly want to go back and I don't mind admitting that that frightens me. Would I follow her? I love the US but could it ever be home? Deep down I know the answer already, wherever Bella goes I will follow. She has me completely at her mercy but I've never felt fucking happier about anything.

For now at least, London is her home and she appears to love it here. She fits in too, it's like she's made to be English. She's even started picking up on some of my phrases which is so adorable, not to mention such a turn on that I have the urge to pin her down every time. Just thinking about this stuff leads to me realising I'm sitting at my desk and staring into space. I guess Bella distracts me even when she isn't here.

I'm fairly certain many colleagues have a good idea there is something going on between us anyway. Especially Jess, that wily little coyote. Midweek she asked me how Bella was. I was in the middle of a report and she caught me completely off guard to the point that I almost blurted out "fine thanks" but caught myself just in time.

"How would I know, Jess? She's on holiday. You're her friend, you'd have a better chance of knowing than me."

I don't think she bought it for a second, her smirk certainly said she didn't. She's a pitbull that girl, and a worse gossip than even Kate. Unfortunately, she is also a bloody good researcher.

Aro bursts into my office and startles me from my thoughts.

"Is this correct?" He's grinning and brandishing an Excel print-out in his hand. My guess is it's a copy of this month's figures and next month's pipeline.

"Yes," I smirk a little.

His eyes widen, apparently incredulous.

"You're personally billing £56k and you have another four new searches at 33% fee in next month's predictions?"

I try to keep my grin just the polite side of "Smug Bastard."

"That's right, got sign off on three of the four this week and the other one should be any day."

He collapses down opposite me, chuckling a little.

"That's bloody impressive, Cullen."

I shrug. "Luck of the draw really."

It definitely _isn't_ luck. I'm an aggressive salesman and I seem to instinctually know what clients want you to say, most of the time. I'm no doctor or lawyer or professional pianist but, for some reason, this shit I can do. But nobody likes a big head.

"Fantastically well done," Aro praises and I try to stop my head growing. He stares back at the spreadsheet, smiling and shaking his head. "The other business units look good too. We _might_ have a record-breaking month on our hands."

His eyes are glowing with what can only be described as greed. I try not to laugh.

He stands up and throws his hands together. "Anyway, it's Friday. Want to go for a drink to celebrate?"

I swear the fella _loves_ me right now. If there was ever a good time to tell the old man that I'm dating a member of the support team this is probably it, but I resist.

"Can't tonight, I'm afraid. Already have plans."

_Plans with my hot assistant who I miss like crazy._

"With a nice bird?" He smirks and I choke. Blokes Aro's age should _not_ say shit like that.

"Something like that."

He goes to leave but turns at the last minute.

"Something's changed about you in recent weeks, Eddie. You're very...focused." He frowns, suspicious but still smirking. "Whatever or _whoever_ it is, keep it up."

I stay silent and just grin. _Oh Sweetheart, I think the boss just gave us his blessing._

* * *

><p>I practically run home to shower and change before racing to Bella's. It's only been a couple of days but I'm desperate to see her. I guess the feeling is mutual because when she opens the door she grins widely and drags me inside, throwing herself into my arms. Her mouth finds mine, my tongue slides through her parted lips and I groan at the familiar taste I've missed so much.<p>

She kisses me deeply, slipping her delicate fingers into my freshly tamed hair and I couldn't give a fuck if she messes it up because it feels so good.

"Bloody hell," I mutter dragging in a breath. But she isn't done, her mouth sucks my Adam's apple and my hand finds her arse, pulling her tightly to my growing erection.

We finally break apart and I rest my forehead against hers.

"Hey," she whispers, suddenly shy.

I chuckle. "Hi yourself, Sweetheart."

Her fingertips gently brush the stubble on my cheek.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too," I tell her, tasting the skin on her neck, pulling her tightly to me again. "So fucking much."

A deep throat clearing grabs my attention, but I keep Bella close to my side anyway.

"Evening, Emmett. How's it going?"

"Good, good," he grins. "We ready to go?"

"Yep," Bella says, "Just let me get my purse."

She dashes off to her room and I instantly feel the physical loss. For the hundredth time I wonder where I left my bollocks.

"So what's this place like, Ed?" Emmett asks, pulling on his jacket.

"It's a Chinese restaurant," I tell him. "With karaoke and a club after."

"Karaoke?" He grins.

I cringe. "Yeah I know, it's lame but sometimes it's really fucking funny to watch. And their sesame prawn toast is awesome." In truth I secretly love karaoke but I'm not about to admit that embarrassing fact to Emmett.

"No, no that's cool, I'm actually extremely talented," he says and I snigger. "Yep, your Simon Cowell would crawl over 20 teenage girls to sign me."

I hold up my hands. "No judgement, mate."

I've seen him a couple of times this week, I met him and Bella for lunch one day and had them over to my flat on Wednesday evening. Compared to our initial rocky encounter he seems to have warmed to me considerably, and I to him. I guess I can forgive his cold reception, he cares about Bella and had to watch her with that bastard for years, not to mention everything Jake did after they split. When he finds her with her new boyfriend all bruised up then I suppose some suspicion is acceptable. He might just think Bella only picks nasty arse-holes or something.

Now I've gotten to know him I've found I like him too. For a Yank, he's bloody funny and he brings a lightness to Bella that is so beautiful I can hardly be bothered to be jealous anymore.

"Ready," Bella announces and I actually look at her properly for the first time, it's easier to survey someone's outfit when you don't have your tongue down their throat. She dressed in an incredibly tight pair of dark denim jeans that accent her curves so nicely my own jeans feel a little tighter, black high heels and a sparkly silver top. Her hair is down (_thank you_) and she's made it bigger somehow, one side artfully arranged to cover her eye where you can still make out the slight bruise under her make up. Her lips are pale pink and shiny and I lick my own conscious that she might have transferred some to me. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever met and I'm not sure she'll ever stop stunning me.

"You look fucking amazing," I tell her, clearing my throat when it comes out a little croaky.

She smiles and I beg my erection away. "Thank you."

"Yeah you clean up all right, Bells," Emmett says.

Bella turns to grab her bag and I notice the back of her top for the first time.

"Fucking hell."

I can see Emmett's smirk from the corner of my eye but I can't keep my eyes off of my girlfriend, her top is cut so low the beautiful, smooth expanse of her back is on display to everyone. So much fucking skin...my mouth waters with the urge to taste it all.

"You're drooling, man." Emmett slaps his hand on my own back.

I clear my throat again. "Right. Sure. Okay, let's go."

Bella smiles and I give her a soft, teasing kiss. If Emmett weren't here I'm fairly certain we'd be staying in. Cock-blocking tosser.

"Oh, by the way," he says as we go outside. "I invited your friend Rosie tonight. I hope that's okay?"

_Marvellous._

Bella and I exchange a glance.

"Um, Em, Edward doesn't -"

"No, no," I quickly interrupt, clearly he doesn't know about Rose and me yet and that's fine by me.

"That's absolutely fine. Of course."

"Awesome," he smiles.

It's going to be a long night.

* * *

><p>I needn't have worried about having to talk to Rosalie as for the first half-hour, Bella and I may as well be intruding on Emmett and Rose's first date. Amidst the standard human mating rituals of hair flicking, arm-touching and lip-licking it's obvious that they are actually very suited. Both are confident and talkative but Emmett's easygoing nature counteracts Rose's intensity.<p>

Bizarrely, I feel a flash of concern for Rose. Into her he may be, but Emmett goes home tomorrow so how is this ever going to work out? Unless they are just planning a one-time shag tonight, in which case that's no business of mine. Unbidden images of being in bed with Rose flash into my mind and I shudder a little. It's not that she was bad or anything but every encounter before Bella just seems...wrong.

Considering Bella and I haven't even slept together I realise how crazy this sounds but it's the inescapable truth. Rose and the others were literally just a warm body and a means of reaching orgasm, the emotional connection with Bella makes it completely different. I'm attracted to her in the normal, physical way of course but it's not just an itch to be scratched and forgotten about, it's this all consuming, obsession with touching her, holding her, kissing her, feeling her. Doing anything I can to keep connected. And I don't think it's just the sexual frustration talking, although believe me I _am_ frustrated. Even when we've worked through Bella's problems and cracked this thing, I know that's just going to be the beginning. I'm going to want more and more and more like a crazy, insatiable love and lust addict.

Take right now for instance. Bella leans forward to eagerly introduce yet another helpful topic about Emmett to Rose and I can't take my eyes off of her beautiful back, bared by her sexy top. It's just a back for God's sake but as I watch my finger tips casually trailing down her smooth, warm skin from her neck to her shoulder blades and down and down as far as her chair will allow all I can thinking about is getting her home, alone, where I can study and worship her skin for as long as she'll let me, where I can feel all of her bare flesh against me, where I can suck and lick and...

"Edward?"

I jerk my eyes hastily back to the others.

"Eh?"

Three expectant faces watch me, amused. Emmett lets out a booming laugh.

"Dude, you are so whipped!"

"Shut it, Em," Bella says, smiling gently at me and leaning in to whisper very quietly. "Ignore him. I love how you watch me, how you touch me."

I swallow and try to resist the urge to yank my chair back and throw her onto my lap.

"_But_..." she says more loudly. "Rose was talking to us."

Rose laughs a little. "I was just asking about Volturi, how things are going over there?"

Lusty thoughts instantly gone, I look at my business rival sharply. "Well I'm not about to talk about clients with you."

She frowns, looking a little hurt.

"I know, Ed. I wasn't..." She takes a deep breath while Bella looks nervous and Emmett looks on confused.

"I wasn't snooping. I would never want you to think that," Rose eventually says. "Just making conversation."

I know the girl is trying to make an effort with me but regardless of what did or didn't go on between us in a personal sense, I'm not going to stop being angry with her for making a play for our client base, and managing to ensnare some of them.

"Whatever, it might just be best we don't talk business, don't you think?" I say through gritted teeth.

"_Edward_..." Bella says with a warning tone.

"Well, what do you expect me to do? Hand over a copy of our current assignments to the opposition?"

"Bloody hell, Ed!" Rose says, exasperated. "I didn't mean anything by it. I _swear_. That's all..." She cuts herself off, studying her napkin. "In the past."

"Hold on, have I missed something here?" Emmett says, confused. "I know you guys work for competitor companies but what else?"

The atmosphere at our table has gone from fun and flirty to tense and angry in a matter of minutes.

I watch as Rose grimaces and I imagine my face is a mirror image.

"I used to work for Volturi. Some stuff...happened when I left."

If by stuff she means trying to wreck my career then yeah _stuff_ happened. It's taking everything I have, including Bella's tight grip on my thigh, to stop me from letting Rose have it.

"_Professional_ stuff?" Emmett raises a suspicious eyebrow.

He looks back and forth between Rose and I, as we avoid his gaze and each other's. I sense Bella squirming a little in the chair next to me.

"_Oh_," he says, clearly understanding. "I get it."

He watches me for a few seconds, considering something before finally breaking the silence.

"All water under the bridge now though, right?"

"Yes," Bella, Rose and I say simultaneously.

"Alright," he says, smiling. "Guess that's yesterday's news then. Now, how about more of that prawn toast stuff..."

Yeah, it's true to say Emmett McCarty is _definitely_ growing on me.

* * *

><p>All headhunting talk avoided the evening plays out nicely. Rose and I begin to banter about our familiar bones of contention - politics, music and the best boroughs in London. It's actually strangely pleasant, I'm reminded of our relationship before we scratched the itch we should have left alone, a time when we were actually more rivalrous friends than just colleagues. Bella and Emmett tell us about Seattle and when Bella's eyes become a little wistful I ignore the stab of pain in my chest.<p>

After dinner, with our drinks refreshed, the lights go down and the DJ announces the beginning of the karaoke.

"The usual, Bells?" Emmett grins, taking the songbook eagerly from the waitress' hand.

"The _usual_?" I choke. "_You_ do karaoke, baby?"

I kinda love how this girl just keeps surprising me.

She smiles reluctantly. "I do _one_ song and that's it, and only with Emmett up there with me."

Emmett nods, looking serious. "We're famous at the local karaoke place in Seattle."

"That's total bollocks!" Bella exclaims giggling, the distinctly British expression causing Rose and I to laugh hard.

I grab my girlfriend and pull her closer to me, planting a kiss on her neck.

"Sweetheart, you _must_ warn me when you're going to go all English on me." I chuckle into her neck, nibble her ear lightly. "You know what it does to me."

"I'm just going to do it _more_ then," she winks, kissing me quickly on the mouth.

She squeals when I reach out and drag her into my lap. Holding her feels really good.

"What's the song then?"

Bella opens her mouth but Emmett quickly interrupts her.

"No way, babe, no reveals till we're on stage. That's the fun of it."

Bella rolls her eyes but keeps quiet.

Rose and I exchange a friendly glance. It's weird...but kinda cool.

Twenty minutes later their names are called and Bella looks decidedly nervous.

"Why do you do it if you're scared?" I ask.

"Because _he_ makes me," she replies, pointing an accusing finger at Emmett, who just smirks and rolls his eyes.

"Now _that's_ bollocks," he replies and I can't help laughing again. "She fucking loves it when we're up there. You wait. Come on, little one."

Bella grins and lets Emmett lead her onto the stage where they begin an enthusiastic, slightly shouty version of Starship's _We Built This City_. I can't help laughing as I watch them hold hands and jump up and down on the spot, screaming the lyrics and trying not to trip over their microphone wires. It's so clear that I have absolutely no reason to feel threatened by Emmett at all; they are almost as close to being siblings as Alice and I. And she looks so carefree and happy up there. Fucking beautiful.

Speaking of Alice, she is the only person who knows about my secret love of karaoke. If a friend or colleague or woman I'd dated knew that Ed Cullen occasionally indulged in such a tacky activity my credibility would be shot to shit.

But...that looks like too much fun. And I really want to sing something for Bella.

"Hey Rose, pass me that book will you?"

She cocks an eyebrow and hands it over. "Who the hell are you and what did you do with the guy I used to know?"

I don't reply because she already knows he's long gone.

I look back at Bella where she is reaching the crescendo of the song, jumping, laughing. Eyes bright and shining, that gorgeous smile. Her hair wild and flying, her body is all soft, subtle curves. Yes, I know just the right song.

I quickly locate my selection and fill out the slip of paper. I take it to the DJ stand just as Bella and Emmett complete their act to raucous applause.

Bella jumps into my arms, grinning.

"That was perfect," I tease, gently running my fingers through her messed up hair.

She eyes the DJ box.

"Hidden talents, Mr Cullen?"

I smile down at her and tap my nose. "No reveals before the stage, Ms Swan."

"Can't wait. I already know how musical you are." She gives me a pointed look.

Bella has been trying to get me back on the piano stool since we came home from Essex but...I don't know. I just wish I could play without thinking of my father.

We rejoin Rose and Emmett and a little while later they call my name. I knock back my JD & coke and offer Bella a grin.

"Prepare yourself, Sweetheart."

I can't help chuckling to myself as I take the mic from the DJ's hand and wait for the music to cue up.

_Ladies and Gentleman of Cheese Fest 2012, we give you Corny Cullen!_

I try to channel Frankie Valli, or Andy Williams. The music begins and I watch Bella giggle behind her hand. I have an acceptable singing voice, I'm never going to be Number One but I'm musical enough that I can keep in key with relative ease.

There's my cue. I ignore the screen displaying the already familiar lyrics and just stare at my girlfriend instead.

_"You're just too good to be true...can't take my eyes off of you._

_You'd be like heaven to touch...I wanna hold you so much."_

I'm vaguely aware of Emmett grinning and Rose looking on slightly slack jawed but all I can focus on is Bella.

_"Pardon the way that I stare...there's nothing else to compare._

_The sight of you leaves me weak...there are no words left to speak._

_But if you feel like I feel...please let me know that it's real."_

She grins at me indulgently, her hands clasped excitedly at her throat and - _my God_ - I love her. When the chorus storms in I make a bit of a show, moving across the little stage, half singing half laughing, never taking my eyes away from her laughing face.

I belt it out.

_"I love you, baby! And if it's quite all right I need you, baby, to warm the lonely nights!"_

Emmett shouts and whoops, stealing my attention for a second, Rose is almost in hysterics. I don't blame her, she has certainly never seen me behave so embarrassingly before. Probably because I never have.

I find Bella's eyes again and sing the remaining words to her, before finishing with a little bow.  
>I return to the table to receive yet another back-slap from Emmett, an amused "well done" from Rose, and damn hot kiss from my bird.<p>

"Amazing," she says. "Thank you."

We laugh our way through another hour of karaoke before the DJ takes over. They start playing some great tunes so we hit the dance floor. I'm having a ridiculous amount of fun.

"Another drink?" I ask the others when I realise I'm parched. Bella has been going easy on the sauce tonight, after last week, alternating alcohol and soft.

"Seven and seven, please" She yells in my ear.

I roll my eyes. "Translation?"

After a somewhat complicated explanation I establish that really she just means whisky and lemonade.

"Weird American," I tease, slapping her arse lightly.

"Crazy Brit," she laughs, kissing me.

I'm waiting for the barman to get free when I notice Rose next to me.

"Need a hand?"

"Sure,"

Silence.

We wait.

And wait some more.

"Didn't take you for a karaoke man?"

I offer a wry smile. "I'm not usually."

Rose watches me carefully.

"I think maybe I didn't know you at all."

_I_ think maybe it's time she and I cleared the air. For Bella. For me, too.

I turn to face her, letting out a deep breath. "You only knew who I was willing to show you, Rose."

She nods, speaks quietly. "I know. I get it now."

I watch as she contemplates her words carefully.

"Listen, I need to apologise. You were right at dinner, I have no business asking you about work after I tried to hamstring you."

She pauses.

"I was pissed off. At you, at me more. I...I was hurt and I lashed out."

I move slightly closer.

"I know. It's okay. I'm fairly certain I deserved it, actually."

I hold her gaze. I need to apologise; if we're going to be in each others lives again we need a clean slate.

"Rosalie, I'm so sorry." Even as the words leave my lips I feel a little lighter. "I was a dickhead. A spineless, cold, selfish dickhead and you didn't deserve to have your feelings hurt by me."

She stares and I jump out of my skin when the barman interrupts us. I hastily order our drinks, while Rose studies a beer mat. When I've paid and the barman disappears she begins speaking again in that same quiet, measured voice.

"I'm sorry too. For a long time I was angry at you, I convinced myself that you'd led me on."

I grimace.

"But the truth is I'm just as much to blame, I understand that now. You were very clear, right from the start, and I was a fool for trying to make it into something it wasn't."

She's right, and she's wrong and I'm both too. And really what does it matter whose fault it was?

"It was just a bad situation," I tell her. "We were both just totally-"

"Stupid," she finishes.

"Yeah," I smile and hold my beer bottle just a few inches off the table to tap it against hers.

She smiles back. "Did you just toast being stupid?"

"I toasted that we were _both_ stupid."

She laughs genuinely and it really is a pleasant sound, there is no denying that she's beautiful even if she holds nothing to interest me now.

I lift my eyes to the dance floor, seeking the brunette who _does_ hold my interest and more. Who owns me.

"I don't want to be stupid anymore, Rose."

"I know. And you're not." She follows my roaming gaze. "She knows you're not."

"I'm crazy about her. It's kinda scary," I admit, with a chuckle. I'm not sure why I would admit that to Rosalie but there's something about sharing a history with someone, laying all your awkward cards on the table only to survive at the end of the game, that makes you feel like you can say anything without fear.

"I know," she replies. "But also kinda amazing I'm guessing?"

I grin. "Totally amazing."

"Well then," she shrugs, takes a long gulp of her drink.

"You know what I was thinking before," she continues, sounding a lot more relaxed. "How we were actually friends before all this and that was...cool."

"I was thinking the same thing."

She turns to face me, one elbow leaning on the bar and a relieved smile on her face.

She holds out her perfectly manicured hand.

"Mates, then?"

Acting entirely on impulse I ignore the handshake and throw one arm around her shoulder, pulling her in for a brief hug that she tentatively returns.

"Mates," I tell the top of her head.

I release her and she grins, looking like a weight has been lifted. I feel the same.

"Cool. Well I'm just going to go find Emmett then."

I can't help but notice the blush that crawls up her face at the mention of his name.

I grin, knowingly. "Right."

I want to ask her what she is planning with him, I don't want her hurt, but that's none of my business anymore and it hardly was to begin with.

With a shy smile, Rose disappears into the crowd with her and Emmett's drinks.

"Hey," the familiar American voice comes from behind me and makes me jump a little guiltily.

I spin around. "Baby...we were just chatting and-"

Bella interrupts, laughing. "I know, silly. I saw."

She wraps her arms around me, kissing my cheek and then my neck before murmuring in my ear.

"Thank you for doing that."

I shrug. "She's a good girl, I didn't want her to hate me forever or anything."

"I'm not sure anyone could hate you, Edward Cullen."

I lean down and brush my lips with hers.

"Do you know anyone who could _love_ me?"

"I know someone who _does_ love you."

While she kisses me I slide my hands over the exposed skin of her back and neck and marvel at how being so vulnerable also makes me feel so strong at the same time.

"Home?" she asks, eventually.

And because I know she loves Mr Big, and goofiness and - apparently - _me_, I reply:

"Abso-fucking-lutely."

* * *

><p>The next day Bella insists that we accompany Emmett to Heathrow. I think she still feels guilty about overlooking his arrival although I'd say a head injury is a fairly good excuse.<p>

I know she's upset that her friend is returning home, this week has been good for her, that much is obvious. He keeps her grounded and secure and I only hope that once he has gone, I am able to do the same. Later on today she is going back to therapy and I can't stand the idea of her being as upset afterwards as she was last week.

We arrive early and Emmett has a while yet before check in.

After having coffee Emmett says, "Hey, Bells, do you wanna go take a look round the stores while I have a word with your man here?"

I'm slightly alarmed and Bella is frowning.

"What about?" she asks suspiciously, and I'm curious myself.

Emmett just looks at her. Eventually, she says. "Fine, but don't be an asshole."

She leans down and kisses my cheek.

"Ignore everything he says."

Emmett rolls his eyes. Bella leaves and I look at him expectantly. I think we've come a long way since his arrival so I'd better not be about to get another lecture. This big brother bit is sweet and all but Bella's not a child.

He considers me for a moment.

"So...?" I prompt.

"You're good for her," he finally says and I breathe a sigh of relief.

"You're right together. I wasn't totally convinced from her emails. It seemed a little soon, a little hasty. And her boss too, that's risky. I wanted to meet you."

I keep my face unreadable.

"And?"

"And you're crazy about her." He shrugs. "That's obvious even to me. The way you look at her, it's like you'd jump in front of a bullet for her."

"I would," I tell him, honestly.

"I'm no way going to mention anything about her...situation. I don't want to know the details and it's none of my damn business."

"No it's not."

He nods. "Right. But I wondered what sort of guy...why you would accept that. But now I know why."

"I have no choice," I murmur.

"Exactly. You guys need to be together, so I guess you need to deal with _that_ together."

"Yes."

"You're not going to hurt her." It's a statement, not a question, but I nod anyway.

"I'm glad she has you here," he finishes, with a sigh.

"I'm glad she still has you," I admit. "She's different around you, lighter. You make her strong, Emmett."

He shakes his head, smiling. "Nah, I don't think she needs me for that anymore."  
>I offer him a grateful smile back.<p>

"We need to talk about Jake though."

The sudden change of topic throws me and I instantly feel on edge just at the mention of that bastard's name.

"I'm listening," I say through gritted teeth.

"Bella is kidding herself that he's out of her life. She ended it, she left, he-" Emmett swallows hard, locks his jaw. "Well you know what he did."

"_Yes._" My fists are clenched.

Emmett bores his eyes into mine.

"Even after everything, Ed, it's clear he still hasn't got the message."

He lets out a breath. "He's been to my place, twice, still looking for her. Says he has unfinished business with her, he still calls her his _wife_."

I remember the phone call from weeks ago, how little I knew about everything then, and I feel sick.

"He called the office, said the same thing."

Emmett nods. "I'm not surprised."

He leans forward. "That guy is fucking dangerous. I've known him for a long time and he has never seemed entirely normal to me. His buddies in the fucked up town I'm from all think he's a God, the locals think he's something special but I've seen a side of him that's nasty as fuck. And so has Bella."

"He's a drunk, and a violent fucker, but that's not even it. I just feel like something isn't _right_, you know?" He taps two fingers to the side of his head.

I nod, absorb this information, catalogue it away so I can be prepared.

"He knows she came to England and...I think he'll come here."

It's what I feared but I'm not surprised.

Emmett looks a little wild and I know how he feels.

"_He cannot get near her_," he almost begs. "I've seen what he's capable of and if I hadn't...I can't even-"

"Hey," I interrupt, holding his eyes with mine. "_He's not going to touch her_. You have my word, Emmett."

He nods, takes a deep breath. "Okay, okay, good. That's good."

"Wow, this looks intense," Bella says, startling us both and sliding into the seat next to me.

Emmett offers her a forced smile. "Just the usual, babe, gotta make sure he's good enough for you."

I can't even find the energy to make a quip back, my mind still reeling from Emmett's warning and the obvious fear I saw on his face.

"You okay, baby?" she asks.

Emmett sends me a glance, I force a smile too. What's the point of freaking her out?

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Anyway, I better go check in," Emmett announces standing up and we walk him over to the departure desks.

"Great to meet you, man," he tells me and I shake his hand, he pulls me towards him for more back slapping and then gives me an actual _fist bump_. Who fist bumps without being ironic? This dude is so _American_. Wait, did I just say "dude"?

"Take care, mate. Safe flight," I tell him.

I step back a little while he picks Bella off the floor in a huge hug. He whispers something to her that I don't catch and she nods, tearful.

"Bye," she whispers, turning and grabbing my hand. I offer him a wave and turn us to walk away.

I watch her as we exit the airport and she hastily brushes away tears. I don't bother to ask if she's okay, she obviously misses him and I know that.

"I'll be okay in a moment," she tells me and we walk in silence to the Tube. She gets a grip of herself quickly and squeezes my hand tight. On the train she snuggles into my side and I pull her close.

"I love you," she whispers into my chest.

I kiss the top of her head, inhale the smell of her hair.

"I love you too, baby."

We sit quietly and I watch the stations whiz by. I eventually ask the question I've been dying to voice all morning.

"Are you going to be okay later? When you see Maggie, I mean."

She turns her head to face me.

"Yes. I promise. Last week I was so stupid, I can't tell you how sorry I am, Edward. I just felt overwhelmed by it all but I'm prepared now, I know what to expect and I know it'll be okay."

She pauses, reaches up and brushes her thumb over my bottom lip. "I feel different now, better and stronger."

I nod. "Because of Emmett."

She frowns, then chuckles. "No, dummy, because of _you_."

My heart, my body's Bella compass, begins to beat harder.

"Really?"

She smiles, pulling my face down to hers. "Yes, of course. Last week I pushed you away because I'm a moron. I'm not going to do that again."

She kisses me briefly, so softly. "You make me feel better, Edward. Every day. And I'm going to get better, for both of us."

"I'm glad," I whisper back a little shakily.

She snuggles back into my side, turns her head to watch the window. "I know I need to relive my past with Maggie, and that's okay. Because once that's done I can build my future and move on."

My mind is full of images of a man I've never met and of all he did to the woman I love, and all he could do in the future. I cuddle her closer.

"I hope so, baby," I whisper.

**A/N**

**The first time my husband sang karaoke for me I cried. Not even joking. BUT it was my birthday and I was really drunk so that's my excuse. **

**Disclaimer: ALL the Americans _I_ know are "bloody funny", and make me happy every day. Also, ****"Crazy Brit" is copyrighted to _bornonhalloween_ ;-) *ironic fistbump***

**VOTING FOR THE WORDSMITH AWARDS IS NOW OPEN, The Search is up for Best Canon and I'd LOVE your support. Blog below (removing the spaces):**

**www. wordsmithawards .blogspot .co. uk **

**Thank you so much,**

**Amber x**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N**

**Happy Jubilee Weekend! (To the Brits at least). Early posting in light of recent fic pullings (more on that below). Heartfelt thanks as always to Trip, Heather and Lady V for fixing up my messy writing. Thank you to everyone who reviewed last time and hello to all the new readers who have been kind enough to give this story a go, I really appreciate it.**

**Thank you also to everyone who voted for Britward at The Wordsmith Awards - we didn't win but we did come in 3rd which makes my heart sing for sure :-)**

**Poor blue-balled Britward, eh? As he can't get his end away right now, let's see what we can do about finding him some relief...**

**BPOV**

These days I often dream that I'm having sex with Edward. In my dreams there is no fear, no anxiety, no tension. There's no physical barrier and certainly not a mental one. Everything is easy, natural and how it should be. How it _will_ be. The way he makes me feel in my imagination, in my subconscious drives me to the edge of excited anticipation. Full but not uncomfortable, there's friction but not pain; everything is slick and silky and sliding. It's how I imagine it will be, it's how I _hope_ it will be. I find myself thinking about sex in a way I never did before, imagining it as something wholly and truly _good_.

When I wake up from these dreams I'm usually tearful and a little depressed, jealous of my subconscious alter ego and how freely she submits to the act.

This morning I don't have a chance to feel any of those emotions because I wake up to Edward himself - real, live, flesh and blood; touching me, kissing me, moving against me.

He holds me close, my back to his chest. It's hot in this room and I feel damp sweat between us but I don't care. I want to wake up tightly pressed to this man every day.

His mouth continues to kiss and suck and nip at my neck, his fingers graze the skin of my inner thigh closer and closer to my pussy each time, teasing me. He pushes his erection firmly against my ass. I press back against him, groaning when his fingers brush my clit for just a second.

"_Fuck_," I whisper, whimpering a little.

"Good Morning, baby," he replies and I can hear the smile in his voice. "I've been waiting for you to wake up."

He strokes his hand over the outside of my thigh, causing goose bumps to break out instantly across my skin, despite the hot bedroom.

"You woke me from an amazing dream," I tease, my voice is thick with sleep.

"You were dreaming of _me_ though," he says confidently. Thrust, stroke, kiss. "I was trying to be patient but you said my name in your sleep in a way that made me _so fucking hard_."

I shiver. He holds me tighter.

He takes my earlobe between his teeth. He really is incredibly hard.

"What were you dreaming about?" Warm breath.

Edward likes me to be blunt. "Fucking you."

He groans, hooking his leg through mine and roughly pulling it back, pulling me open. I don't flinch or pull back or tense the way I would with Jake. I _want_ Edward between my legs, in whichever way possible. I'm not afraid of him pushing me too far, of him hurting me.

I trust him.

"What was it like?" his voice low and breathless.

His fingers finally slip between my legs, finding me so wet for him already.

"Amazing," I groan and so does he, pressing his cock against me rhythmically.

"It will be amazing," he murmurs.

_Will be. Will be. Will be._

"Everything changes today, baby."

I smile, I know what he's referring to, even through my lust-filled haze. After four sessions on my own with Maggie, today is the beginning of sex therapy.

"This is our last time to be...us," he whispers. "Before the rules."

My chuckle turns into a gasp when he pressed his index finger firmly on my clit.

"They aren't rules, Edward," I choke out. "They're exercises." His finger circles me again and again.

He suddenly shifts and pulls me flat on my back, hovering over me. His hair is wild, his eyes blazing green, his mouth slightly open but smiling at the edges. He brings his lips down to consume mine, pressing our bodies together at the same time.

"I want one last time just us," he says against my lips. "One more time where we do this our way."

I want that, too. I grab his hair and push my tongue deep into his mouth.

While we kiss I feel his weight sink down on me, heavy and perfect. His hard dick presses onto my wet folds and I push up, making him groan my name. He moves his lips to my neck, he knows it's my weak spot; kissing, brushing, sucking, while his hand fists my hair.

"Fuck..._Edward_..."

He instantly comes back to take my mouth hard, one hand tightening in my hair and the other closing over my breast firmly. Hearing me say his name makes him wild so I do it often.

He begins descending my body, not missing a single part of me with his hands and mouth. He grazes my nipple with his teeth until I whimper and he lifts his head just for a second to give me a boyish grin. He takes the hint of my lifting hips and slides a finger inside me. That much feels easy now, comfortable and so, so good. He moves his finger back and forth from my opening to my clit in a tortuous, teasing dance. Every time that he senses I'm close he pulls back, keeping me on the edge.

I let out a frustrated growl and he chuckles into my stomach before moving back up to kiss me softly. His eyes dance with mischief and desire.

"What's the rush, Sweetheart? I like you crazed and needy."

I reach between us to grasp his cock and his mouth falls open with a gasp.

"Two can play at that game, my gorgeous Brit."

I push up against him with my weight, letting him know I want him on his back and he happily rolls over, grasping my hips to pull me on top of him.

I hold still and just look at him for a second, while he stares right back silently. He is so incredibly fucking beautiful, I'm really not sure how I got so lucky. Thick, wild hair the colour of English pennies, piercing green eyes that look darker in the soft morning light and a mouth that demands to be kissed. A clever mouth that brings me more pleasure than I've ever come close to experiencing before. His lips are so expressive, right now swollen from our kisses and slightly parted by his heavy breath, and then - I brush my fingertips over the helmet of his cock, grasping it lightly and playfully between two fingers - his expressive mouth opens wider, his head tipped back, and I move my hand to grasp his whole shaft and move his foreskin back and forth. I quicken my pace suddenly and intentionally and he groans embedding his top teeth into his bottom lip.

Even if the rest of Edward weren't so perfect, I'm certain I could fall in love with his mouth alone.

I pull my hand away from his shaft, softly stroking his balls and then trailing my fingers gently over his hip, his thigh, the swell of his ass cheek.

"_Christ_, Bella," his eyes flash open to mine. "Enough teasing, I need you to make me come."

Did I mention I love the words he makes with that mouth too?

He sits up bringing me onto his lap straddling him and rocks his pelvis into mine. His erection rubs against my folds and my clit, over and over.

"I could come like this." He speaks into my neck where he has me in a tight embrace; my whole body wrapped around his. "Just from the feel of your wet heat against my cock, the friction between us."

I moan. "So could I."

He pulls his head back to kiss me. "But I want to taste you and I want you to taste me."

His wicked mouth creates a wicked grin.

"_Together_."

I smile back. This is not the first time, it's not even the first time with Edward, but this morning, his excitement is infectious.

He lies back and I take the opportunity to explore his body. He is built so perfectly - strong and muscular but not too big. Toned arms and a broad chest that descends into narrow hips, and then that perfect cock, hard and straight and proud framed by thighs I want to bite. I had never seen an uncut penis before Edward, I had only seen one penis period. It had never held much appeal to me but Edward's is perfect, complete and just how God intended.

I don't bother to fight the urge to touch him, sliding my hand back and forth, dipping down to scoop his pre-cum with a flick of my tongue. He is so damn responsive; heavy breath and groans and gasps of my name. I love how much I turn him on, his reactions causing more and more fluid between my legs.

"Bella," he says more loudly, more urgently. I push back my hair and smirk at him.

He smiles breathlessly back, making a "turn around" gesture with his hand.

"Get up here right now so I can taste that pussy."

That wipes the smirk off my face. Why does every word out of his sexy British mouth turn me to liquid?

I flip over, straddling his shoulders and giggling when he hooks his arms through my legs and drags me higher. Then his mouth touches me and it's not so funny anymore. He holds me tightly to his face, his hands gripping my ass hard.

Gentle kisses on my clit, barely any pressure but enough to have me shivering. Then harder, followed by the briefest flick of his tongue making me gasp. Then his tongue is inside, thrusting and stroking and I'm amazed yet again how he can get me so close so quickly.

I dip my head to his cock, taking him back into my mouth deep and hard. His muffled groan flutters across my skin and causes a moan of my own to vibrate around him. I circle the head of his cock with my tongue, tasting more of his salty fluid. I focus a little on the head, popping him back and forth quickly through tight lips before sinking down on him suddenly, taking him as far back as I dare.

He pulls his mouth away to curse and gasp before fixing his lips around my clit, flicking his tongue hard and fast. I feel my legs close a little around his head but the sound he makes just tells me that he likes it.

Delicious waves of sensation travel and build through my body, beginning to concentrate between my legs. It's hard to concentrate on his cock in my mouth when he is sucking and flicking and - _FUCK_ - biting a little, but I try to refocus, wanting to bring him to the same point I've already reached. Harder and faster I suck and bob and taste. Deeper, a little deeper still. His moans are almost constant now and just bring more sounds of my own.

Close...so close...lick, suck, harder, faster, _more_...

I feel him shift and his finger is inside me, his tongue above it and I lose my concentration, letting him slide out of my mouth.

"Yes!" There's no pain, I just want him inside, more of him.

He makes a desperate, needy sound and then moves his mouth an inch to gasp: "So close, baby...don't fucking stop. Please."

I close my mouth back around him, moving quicker and quicker while he does the same and I know it's right there. I'm just about to tip over the edge, my muffled groans are louder and louder and he answers with sounds of his own. His tongue and his finger push me closer and closer and for the first time I want more - I want _fuller_. I want to tell him but I'm not going to let go of his cock again.

Then he does it anyway; at once there is more pressure. It feels tighter and fuller and it hurts a little but is also fantastic. My clit twitches and pulses and I'm coming and coming and _coming_ while he growls and his liquid fills my mouth. I swallow and tremble and shake.

I forget needing to breathe and instead greedily take down every salty stream he has to give me, while he secures his mouth tight against my jolting flesh.

I eventually pull back gasping while he whispers a breathless curse.

"Are you okay?" he asks, as I climb off of his face on shaking legs. I am a little sore between my legs, stretched further than I've been used to, but instead of feeling painful as it almost always did when I pushed things with Jake, it just aches in a way that's almost pleasant.

I collapse down next to him.

"_So_ much more than okay."

His hand finds the back of my head and he kisses me roughly.

"Mmmm...I love tasting both our cum together," he murmurs.

"Me too," I smile. "Your mouth is clever."

He laughs throatily and pulls me close. I snuggle into his sweaty chest, inhale his Edward scent.

"Two fingers?" I ask, and for some insane reason I'm blushing. How can this man still make me blush after that?

"Yes," he replies, almost proudly.

I turn my head to look at him quizzically. "I wanted that. You read my mind."

"I read your _body_, Bella." He looks suddenly serious. "That's what I've been trying to do all along, what I'll continue to do."

He brings our heads closer, grazing the back of his knuckles down my cheek. I shiver.

"Listen to me, whatever happens today, whatever her plan is and whatever _exercises_ she gives us to do you have my word that I'll do it, I'll try it all. She's a professional, you trust her so I trust her too. And I need to trust _you_ to be honest with me completely, okay?"

I nod.

"I mean it, baby. I'm fucking terrified of hurting you. I...I want you so much, sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to lose control. I can never lose control with you because if I hurt you it will just make this worse. I never want to see the look I saw on your face in my bed in Southend, I felt sick knowing I was doing that to you. No matter how frustrated I appear you have to remember that. We're doing this slowly and properly. So if anything hurts, you have to tell me. Promise?"

I swallow, my eyes stinging. I take a deep breath. "I promise."

"You're not going to hurt me, Edward."

It's a plea and a promise and he returns with one of his own, accompanied by a shy little smile.

"I know, Sweetheart, because you're not going to let me."

* * *

><p>When we enter the therapy centre I'm struck by how different I feel today compared to when I first came here a month ago. Everything about the place that made me anxious back then now just feels familiar. Maggie makes me feel comfortable and safe in away that Irina never quite managed.<p>

We have spent the last four sessions discussing my history, my past, including Jake. She has suggested that my vaginismus is just a by-product of a different problem. She mentioned the term Post Traumatic Stress but I'm not sure about that yet, she makes it sound as if I've been to war or something not just been married to a controlling alcoholic. Anyway, we have come to an agreement that I'll be upping my therapy to two sessions a week. The first will continue to be just me and Maggie where we'll discuss in more depth ways for me to deal with my anxiety, how to learn to control my feelings so I'm able to react in a more measured and logical way to stressful situations or thoughts. Maggie referred to it as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I remember the term from Psych textbooks in high school but it now has an entirely different meaning to me. I'm still a little cynical but she has been so right on everything else that I can't help but trust her.

The second hour a week will be a joint Psycho-Sexual Counselling session. She will focus on my problems with intercourse and provide us with a series of treatment ideas that should help alleviate the problem, especially combined with the CBT session.

Waiting for our turn, Edward is now the one who looks a little nervous.

"She doesn't bite," I whisper to my amazing, sweet man.

"I know," he says. "I'm fine, just mentally preparing myself to leave all embarrassment and pride at the door."

I shrug. "It's not really like that." But I find I can't find the correct words to explain how at ease Maggie makes me feel. "You'll see."

Maggie calls our names and we are ushered inside, Edward's hand holding mine tightly.

"Hi Maggie," I greet the smiling redhead.

"Good to see you, Bella," she smiles warmly before turning her gaze to Edward. It's refreshing to see a woman look at my boyfriend without visibly swooning. She's such a professional. Or a lesbian.

"And Edward," she holds out her hand. "Very pleased to meet you after hearing so much."

Edward shakes her hand, and I watch him reach for his inner confidence.

"Thank you. Likewise."

I take my usual seat while Edward sits beside me, shifting around awkwardly. I put my hand on his thigh and give it a reassuring squeeze.

"So, if it's okay I'd like to talk a little bit about the non-physical side of your relationship if that's okay?"

Maggie never beats around the bush, she makes every moment of that hour count and I'm grateful for that.

She asks us how long we have been together and shows no judgement when I answer that it's less than three months. Maggie never judges. She asks us how often we see each other, how we spend our time, whether we ever argue. She had warned me that there would be a small part that would feel like "couples' counselling." I had initially baulked at the idea, we don't need anything like that, but she said it was necessary to get a feel for our relationship so she can know the best way to move forward with the physical side. Fortunately, as she had mentioned all this in advance, I had been able to warn Edward so he wasn't confused or defensive.

He relaxes visibly as time goes on, submitting to the calming "Maggie effect", as I've termed her soothing ability in my head.

When she asks Edward what his favourite thing about my personality is the answer he gives catches me off guard.

"Her strength."

"Really?" I burst out.

He smiles, squeezes my hand. "Yeah."

"Does Edward's answer surprise you, Bella?"

"Um...well, yes,"

"Why?"

"I guess I have always considered myself as weak. Everything in my life I've done to please other people, my Dad, the church...Jake." I take a deep breath, drawing on experience from our previous sessions. "I let Jake control me, I didn't stand up for myself. I let that town think badly of me."

"Edward, do you want to tell Bella why you chose that word?"

He stares at me, emeralds unwavering. "Because you _did_ leave. Yes, he was cruel and controlling and -" I watch his jaw clench. "violent but you were brave enough to pull yourself out of there. You're shy and haven't lived abroad before and yet when Jacob continued to threaten your home you came to a whole new country. Do you know how brave that is? How incredibly strong that makes you?"

He glances at Maggie, his rare blush creeping up his face. "Um...also, when I told you I wanted us to be more than friends you, _eventually_," he grins, "let me in. You showed me your fears. You _are_ strong, Bella."

My throat tightens at his declaration, the second time his words have blindsided me in the best possible way today, and when a single tear escapes and begins to descend down my cheek Edward reaches out and swipes it away with his thumb. I wonder if he has forgotten Maggie is even in the room.

"Thank you, Edward. And Bella, same question to you. What do you admire most about Edward?"

A thousand answers race through my mind. How can I pick just one when I love so much about him? But suddenly it's clear.

"Same answer," I tell Maggie but don't take my gaze away from Edward's.

"Strength?"

"Yes. He makes me feel stronger, braver. He makes me feel safe and I haven't felt that for a long time." My breath catches.

"And I would say the same answer back." Edward finally breaks my gaze to look at Maggie. "I'm a pretty weak bloke really, always have been. I've been immature and reckless and have said and done a lot of shitty things. I don't feel all that strong."

"But Bella thinks you are."

He plays with my fingers, interlocking them with his in different ways.

He shrugs. "Then I'm only strong for Bella I guess."

Maggie smiles.

"So I suppose we'd have to say you make each other strong, wouldn't we?"

We smile at each other like a couple of lovesick teens.

"Yes," we answer together.

About halfway through the session, Maggie says, "It's clear to me that, despite some obvious anxiety that Bella and I will be dealing with separately, the emotional side of your relationship is very healthy...and _strong_." She smiles. "So now let's talk more about the physical problems."

I remind myself to breathe, to stay calm.

"Edward, Bella tells me she has been completely honest with regards to her condition - after the initial attempt that is."

"Yes."

"How do you feel about it?"

"Well..." he shoots me an anxious glance.

"You can be totally honest in this room," Maggie reminds him. "I want you to be, and so does Bella."

I nod.

"Okay," Edward says slowly. "Well of course it worries me. I hate the idea of Bella being in physical pain, or feeling emotionally upset about it."

"Okay, but how do _you_ feel?" Maggie presses.

Edward hesitates again, obviously not wanting to hurt my feelings but I can't imagine there is anything he can say that would shock me. Jake quite happily said it all to my face after all.

"Frustrated," he finally says, before murmuring "sorry" to me.

"Don't be sorry about saying that, baby. I'm frustrated too."

"You want to be able to have full intercourse with Bella?"

"Of course!" He shoots Maggie a look that says "Well duh."

"Can you tell me why?"

Edward laughs. "I assume you're looking for a more articulate response than 'Because she's incredibly hot'?"

Maggie and I chuckle too.

"Yes please."

I watch as his gorgeous brow furrows in thought. "Because she's beautiful, and sexy. Because I know from everything we have done how amazing it will be. Because I want to share all experiences with her, especially that most basic human one. Because she makes my heart race and my body react in a way that it never has before and that makes me so bloody _curious_."

He looks up and meets Maggie's gaze. "Because I love her and I want to show her that physically."

He stops talking and I stare at him wordlessly. Even Maggie looks a little dumbstruck for the very first time.

He's not done though.

"Most of all because I want - no I _need_ - to feel connected to her, to be as close to her as I can possibly be."

He looks at me, shrugs and smiles. I stare.

Maggie recovers before I do.

"Well...yes, thank you. That certainly was articulate." She pauses. "Also, you should know that Bella gave the exact same reason. The closeness and connection, and to express her love."

"I didn't quite say it in the same way," I grin at Edward, rolling my eyes. "Smooth-talking Englishman."

He grins back.

"So Edward, is there anything we need to know about you right from the beginning? Do you ever have trouble maintaining an erection?"

Edward chokes, and all humour and warmth leaves his face.

"No! Ah...um, everything is in working order, ta very much." He's blushing and I try not to giggle.

_Not an appropriate reaction in a sex clinic, Swan._

"Good." Maggie writes something down. I wonder what on earth it says - _E Cullen has good, hard cock?_

"In that case let's focus on Bella's status. I'll ask you some questions about your current sex life and if you can answer as straightforward as possible please."

We both nod.

"Do you kiss sexually?"

Is she for real? I guess she needs to go back to basics but come on, who wouldn't kiss that?

"Yes," we both answer, bemused.

"Do you explore each other's bodies?"

"Yes."

"Do you partake in touching of the sexual organs?"

I blush. "Yes."

"For Bella, is this only clitoral stimulation or are you able to penetrate digitally."

"Yes, Edward can use his finger," I tell her, my face on fire.

"Is it painful?"

I shake my head. "Not usually, just very tight."

She notes something on her pad. "And what about two fingers?"

"Not until...recently," Edward says, glancing at me.

"And was that painful, Bella?"

"It has been in the past...with Jake. But this time not really, I felt a little sore afterwards but not too bad."

"Did you like how it felt?"

I sneak Edward a smile. "Yes."

"Do you partake in oral sex?"

"Yes."

"Joint oral sex?"

Edward's eyes dart to mine and his face holds the beginnings of a smirk. I smile as we both relive this morning's wake up call.

He clears his throat and looks back at Maggie. "Yes."

"Are you both able to achieve orgasm?"

God, this is painful. Did I really go through all this before?

"Yes."

"How often do you partake in these kinds of activities?"

We look at each other again. I'm unsure how to answer this. We've only been together a few months and our physical pull is overwhelming. Does she want a weekly figure?

"Often," Edward finally says.

"More than twice a week?"

"Yes," we reply.

"Ok, good." She smiles at us. "It's great that you have such an active sex life."

I frown. "It's not really a 'sex life' though, is it? If we're not actually _having_ sex?"

"Bella, the activities I just asked about are all part of sex, even if they're not intercourse itself. You are still able to get pleasure and satisfaction from each other. You are still able to experience the closeness you crave."

I feel tears unexpectedly sting my eyes. "But it's still not right, not...not _normal_."

I feel Edward's eyes on me, he squeezes my hand.

Maggie tilts her head, appraising me. "These types of emotions are ones we are going to be exploring here, Bella. Do you feel a lot of guilt?"

I nod, miserably. "Every day."

"What do you feel guilty for?"

"Depriving Edward."

"_Baby_..." Edward says softly, pulling his chair closer, stroking my hand and arm.

"Do you feel guilt for something else, Bella?"

"Yes," I whisper. I avoid looking at Edward. "Jake."

"Why?" Maggie asks.

The tears are flowing freely now, no wonder she needs that box of Kleenex. I take a deep breath so I can speak.

"I broke him too. I made him drink, I made him miserable. I wasn't able to satisfy him and sometimes I think I...I deserve what he did. He must have been so frustrated and-"

"That's total bullshit, Bella!" Edward suddenly explodes. "I don't care what happened, or didn't happen, it doesn't give him the right to-"

"Edward, please." Maggie's voice is firm and authoritative. I watch as he clenches his jaw but stays quiet.

"Edward is right though," she says, calmly. "What Jake did was attempted rape, and that doesn't change regardless of what has happened in the past or what the victim's relationship is to the perpetrator."

I nod slowly, my mind rapidly trying to shut down images from that night.

Edward has pulled his chair right alongside mine and puts his arm around me, cuddling me as tight to his chest as the chairs will allow.

"It's okay," he says in the quietest whisper. "I've got you. You're safe."

Maggie stays silent while I draw comfort from Edward the way I always do and regulate my breathing.

Calmer, I pull away and dry my eyes. I reach for his hand again.

"Guilt and shame are emotions that I will be helping you to deal with. Both here and during our CBT sessions," Maggie explains quietly.

"Okay."

"We are nearing the end of our session today and I think I have everything I need to begin work helping the two of you achieve full intercourse."

She turns to Edward. "I'm sure Bella has already explained but I will be setting one or more 'homework' tasks for you every week. Some will involve you both and some just Bella alone. We will discuss the outcomes at the following sessions."

Edward nods, a determined look on his face. "I understand."

"Okay, so this week's homework will probably be both straightforward and challenging at once."

We both lean forward slightly in our chairs.

"I want you to refrain from all sexual touching for seven days."

_Say WHAT now?_

"You can kiss, cuddle and be affectionate of course but no manual or oral sex."

Edward's face, wide-eyed and slack jawed, surely mirrors my own.

"None?" I squeak.

"That's right."

Edward recovers, clearing his throat. "That certainly will be...challenging."

Maggie clasps her hands in front of her. "The idea is that we need to take everything back to basics and recondition how Bella feels about sex. So far, until very recently, she has predominantly associated sex with only negative emotions - painful, difficult, frustrating. We need to work to recondition how she sees the act, so that she can move forward with a clean slate if you like."

"Right," Edward says slowly, sounding as confused as I feel.

"We start this by reminding Bella of simple, innocent touches. At some point in the week I want you to explore each other's bodies, excluding your sexual organs, carefully and thoroughly. The best way to do this would be a relaxing massage of some kind."

She eyes us a little dubiously.

"Please try your best to hold back from rushing to any form of gratification and orgasm, the idea behind this is a more simple physical connection that we can then use as a springboard to jump forward from."

We stare in silence for at least 30 seconds. I can't find a case to argue with her logic but...a whole week, without our version of sex? That sounds painful, difficult...impossible.

Edward looks like he may cry.

Maggie smiles, the sadistic bitch.

"Any questions?"

We both shake our heads numbly.

"Okay, great. Remember to make a mental note of how you feel so we can discuss this next time. Write it down if necessary."

She stands up and we follow blindly.

"See you in a week." She shows us out and we wander into the street. I hear Edward mutter something that sounds like "fucking rules."

I grab his hand to stop his pace and just stare at him. Amazing body, gorgeous face, damn tempting lips...this is going to be a _really long week_.

**A/N**

**Hmmm, the next chapter should be interesting... Needless to say I had all kinds of fun writing this. And YES, Edward is uncut. I'm sorry, but he's British so what did you expect? Plus, 'Parkas' rule ;-)**

**And now for some heavy. I'm sure a lot of you will have noticed that some of our most-loved fic writers have recently had their work pulled by FFn (due, as far as I can tell, to a group of small-minded bullies who appear to be on a fic-reporting witchhunt). Should you login one day and see that Britward and his Ameribella have met a similar fate then please hop over to _The Writers Coffee Shop_ (link below) where I will also be posting this story, under the same penname, as a back-up. So far only one chapter up and it will take me a little time but at least there is a plan in place. **

**www . thewriterscoffeeshop library /**

**If you have found some of your fave stories missing your best bet would be to find the authors on Facebook as there is lots of info over there, and if you do come over feel free to look me up under the name Amber's Pen. **

**Thank you so much for your support, I hope you liked this chapter and I would LOVE to hear your thoughts as always. **

**See you soon (I hope!)**

**Amber x**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N**

**Apologies for the delayed review replies to the last chapter and thank you so much for your comments. If there is anyone reading who hasn't reviewed before I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions too. **

**This chapter would have been MUCH easier to write if I knew anything at all about playing piano. Thankfully my awesome beta, Trip, corrected a lot of my crazy ideas and has prevented me from looking too stupid. Thanks also to the lovely _dreamalittledream83_ for pre-reading. **

**I'm a nasty old cow who left poor Britward in a bit of a pickle at the end of the last chapter, let's see how he is coping, shall we? ;-) **

**EPOV**

Longest. Week. Ever.

One definition of insanity is when a person repeats the exact same action over and over again but expects a different result. Each morning Bella arrives at the office and each morning I expect that I _won't _feel frustrated, _won't_ start sporting a semi and _won't_ want to tell Maggie to go fuck herself so I can get some relief from my girlfriend's hands and mouth. Yet every morning I _do _feel those things. I surmise that this could mean I'm going insane. Or insane with blue balls at least.

This is so much worse than before we got together. Of course, that was difficult; constantly trying to keep my eyes off her, struggling to concentrate when I gave her assignments because maybe her hair had gotten a little loose or a tiny bit of lacy bra strap was peeking out from under her top. I spent a lot of time imagining how it would be with her. How it would feel to tell her what I wanted, to kiss her and touch her and lose myself in her. How it would feel to fuck her.

That was challenging but this is so much worse. Now I know how it feels to kiss her and touch her. I _know _how soft and silky her bare skin is. I know she is a beautiful person inside as well as out. Worse than that, I know she wants me too and yet we can't act on those natural impulses. It's agony.

And worst of all, it's only Wednesday.

We have three more days of this painful abstinence, plus tomorrow night we plan to complete the homework Maggie set us. I'm almost certain this will only further frustrate us. How will I stand exploring every inch of Bella's gorgeous body whilst resisting the need to touch the few inches between her legs that will actually satisfy her? Sweet Jesus.

Bella isn't making things easy for me. Today she is wearing a tight, knee-length black skirt with a little flared slit at the back, a short-sleeved fitted pink shirt and heels. Her hair is up so I should thank God for small mercies.

I almost jump out of my skin when my computer makes a bing sound to indicate I have an internal instant message.

**Message from I. Swan**  
><em>Stop staring, Mr Cullen<em>

I grin.

**Message from E. Cullen**  
><em>I have no idea what you're talking about.<em>

I watch her carefully through the glass, her lips hide a smile.

**Message from I. Swan**  
><em>I think you do. You are making me very...uncomfortable.<em>

**Message from E. Cullen**  
><em>Is that so? How?<em>

**Message from I. Swan**  
><em>You're distracting me from my work.<em>

**Message from E. Cullen**  
><em>Maybe you should have considered that when you picked your outfit this morning, Ms Swan?<em>

I can see her eyes twinkling from here.

**Message from I. Swan**  
><em>I'm sorry, Sir, am I breaking the company dress code policy?<em>

Only the one in my head, Sweetheart.

Her face suddenly lights up in recognition.

**Message from I. Swan**  
><em>Hey, Richard Curtis fan, did you steal this whole scenario from Bridget Jones' Diary?<em>

Bugger. I guess I did.

I chuckle.

**Message from E. Cullen**  
><em>I'm sorry, is that a film?<em>

**Message from I. Swan**  
><em>*smirks* Right. Leave me alone now...I'm very busy and important.<em>

I laugh before quickly glancing around and realising laughing alone at my desk probably makes me look _actually_ insane, and not just from lust.

Two hours later Bella comes into my office, this time looking pretty miserable. She tosses a file onto my desk.

When she releases a grumpy sigh it's ridiculously cute. "I'm not sure how much more of this I can take, Edward."

I don't know if she's referring to The Great Sex Ban or to the fact that she has been doing desperately dull data entry for me all morning.

"I mean, I have client work I need to do too. How come we're prioritising this database stuff?"

Ah, work then.

"I know, it's ridiculous," I tell her apologetically. "But we're going over to the new system soon and the truth is Kate and I kept putting it off until...well, now when we can't put it off any longer." I offer her my most apologetic smile. "I'm sorry."

She rolls her eyes but the corners of her mouth lift a little. I reluctantly hand her another file to get started on, which she takes with a frown.

Her face then transforms into a sly grin, and I don't miss her cursory glance to my office door, presumably to check she shut it behind her. She moves around to my side of the desk, leans one hand on it and bends down as if we're looking over a document together.

She speaks quietly. "You know, it's a real shame."

"What's that?" I murmur.

She sighs in an exaggerated way.

"My _boss_ is being a bit of an asshole...when all I really want to do is get under my _boyfriend's_ desk and blow him."

I choke, and maybe I'm _blushing?_

I clear my throat.

"Yeah, I guess that _is _a bit of a conundrum," I tell her, grinning while she smiles down at me.

"Probably a good thing that your boyfriend's cock is off limits at the moment then, eh?"

She sighs genuinely and pouts. I want to close the blinds and kiss her.

"Yep."

We stare at each other for a beat, my heart races with all I want to do right now but can't because we've been banned by a medical professional. Oh and we're at work.

Eventually, I groan and whisper, "Baby, why would you make things worse by starting conversations like this?"

She shrugs. "I just wanted you to know you aren't the only horny one around here."

I snigger. "Thanks for the support."

The door swings open and Aro crashes in. Bella's face freezes and she leaps to full standing, taking a hasty step away from my desk.

"Ed!" he barks, not even noticing Bella. "Briefing meeting is pushed back to 2pm. See you then." Then he dashes back out as quickly as he arrived.

"Jesus," Bella mutters.

"You know, if we just _told him the truth _you wouldn't have to leap five feet in the air every time he's in our presence,"

She looks thoughtful, she has been considering the idea of coming clean a bit more seriously recently.

"Okay," she eventually says.

"What?" I ask, surprised.

She looks at me, appearing a little more certain.

"Okay, let's do it. Let's tell Aro we're dating."

"Wow. Okay, wow...good. That's good then." It _is_ good and I'm pleased she's changed her mind...but, shit, now I have to actually tell him. It was all hypothetical before.

_Cullen, grow a pair._

"But not this week," Bella adds and I raise a questioning eyebrow.

"He just seems even more highly strung than usual at the moment."

She's right actually.

"Plus I'd rather just focus on us and our, ah, _challenge _for the next few days."

"Fair enough," I tell her, smiling. "I'll find an appropriate time to break it to him next week."

"Cool," she says, grinning and looking oddly relieved.

"Cool."

"I'll get started on this then," she says, picking up the file and brushing her hand across my back very slightly and softly. After days of nothing but kissing and cuddling even the tiniest touch feels like fire. I want her hands on more of me: my waist, my back, my hair, my face...my cock.

At the mere thought my dick decides to stand up to attention. _Mate, I really don't know why you're bothering._

I swallow hard. "Yep, talk to you later."

She walks out and I can't help but notice how her arse looks in that snug skirt. I get even harder.

"Jesus, this is ridiculous," I mutter when I'm alone.

I have to get out of here.

* * *

><p>The music shop on the corner of Blandford St and Marylebone Lane is deserted, just as it has been every time I've stepped foot inside during the last couple of weeks.<p>

Alistair, the owner and as far as I can tell only staff member, greets me by name. We've gotten to know each other pretty well. Until very recently I had never gone inside, but I had always noticed it of course. Frequently I'd snuck glances as I walked by or occasionally lingered by the window, eyeing the beautiful pianos the way a child eyes up displays of sweets. And just like that child, it was my father who prevented me from going inside. Memories of pressure and persuasion, disappointment and anger flooded my mind.

The irony of it all is that I like playing piano. I love it. But any joy I ever found in it was squashed by my father's rules and harsh discipline. There was no reprieve, I was to practice every night without fail. I had targets, set pieces to perfect every week that got progressively harder. When I was a small child, it was just part of my routine, I barely thought anything of it, but when I grew up there were other ways I wanted to spend my time. Heaven forbid I want to try out for the school football team or the debating club, or just hang out with my friends. Anything that got in the way of my piano practice was forbidden.

So I would rebel. We would fight; I would storm out. At that point, playing just became a chore that I endured. If he had just let me choose for myself the chances are I would have chosen the piano over other things anyway, but he never did.

I've lost count of how many times I would sneak to the piano stool while my dad was out or occupied. I was free to play exactly what I wanted then, how I wanted, without his watchful eye and scrutiny. Playing alone was the only time I felt free.

Until I played for Bella.

Suddenly there were eyes on me but I still enjoyed it. I liked that she watched me, I liked making the music fly and sing and speak to her. Through my connection with her, I felt like I had reconnected with the instrument. Of course even that moment was ruined once again by the arrival of my father.

But I can't forget that feeling, that exhilarating moment of laying my fingers on the keys and having the notes flood back to me. My fingers have been twitching to touch a piano again ever since we left Southend, almost in the same way they long to touch Bella.

So one lunchtime I went inside. I noticed the beautiful _Feurich 178 _almost instantly. A quick nod of permission from Alistair and I was free to play, to lose myself. Apparently he liked what he heard because he hasn't stopped me coming in again and again, including every day this week when my hands have desperately needed the distraction.

Just like each previous occasion, I play and I talk intermittently with Alistair. I admire the beautiful wood, the heavy ivory keys, the perfect tonal quality. I take every frustration I have over not being able to touch Bella how I want and channel it into music. A salesman at heart, Alistair asks me again why I don't have a piano at home and once again I struggle to answer him. If I'm able to focus on playing for Bella and not Carlisle then maybe I should buy one. Plus I'm on borrowed time here, the poor man isn't going to let me use his shop as a piano bar indefinitely, no matter how well we get along or how much he likes my playing.

I close my eyes and focus on the keys and Bella's face in my mind. Beautiful, vulnerable, brave and hopeful. She has captured my heart in the same instant, wild and unexpected way that music did all those years ago, when I played without my father watching. I want that feeling every day. I want _Bella_ every day, and I can't imagine a time when I won't. And I want to play for her.

I drag my hands away from the keys and sit straight on the stool, gripping my fingers in my hair.

"Okay," I murmur and I sense Alistair's surprised expression out of the corner of my eye. I continue to just stare at the keys in front of me.

"Okay?"

I want the beauty of it in my home. I want the music, the escape, the freedom. I want to defy my father by actually playing, only not to his specification. I want Bella's happy expression and I want a distraction for hands that are desperate to touch her.

"I'll take it."

While Alistair takes my payment details and address, telling me it will be delivered on Saturday morning, I focus on my beautiful girlfriend's surprised face and our future full of music, and not my father's satisfied smirk.

* * *

><p>"God, I want you." Bella's breathless words in my ear just make me kiss her harder, sliding my tongue urgently against hers and grabbing her arse with both hands to push her down more firmly against my crotch.<p>

She pulls my earlobe between her teeth and I shiver a little.

"So fucking gorgeous," she whispers and I can't help smiling against the soft skin of her neck. I slide my hands up and under the back of her shirt, her skin is so soft and warm. She rocks her pelvis and I groan.

I'm not even entirely sure how this happened. One minute we were snuggled up on the couch watching telly, Bella's head in my lap, my arm around her. Then halfway through the 10 o'clock news I noticed she started absent-mindedly making small circles on my thigh with her fingertip. Over and over, just this tiny gentle movement that, coupled with my severe sexual frustration, easily triggered an erection. I had casually slid my finger up and down the side of her neck and she made this needy little sigh that made me harder still. Next thing I know she's straddling my lap and we're snogging like teenagers.

Okay, I guess I _do _know how this happened.

Only it shouldn't be happening.

And that just makes us want it more.

I notice Bella's fingers are shaking a little when she begins unbuttoning my shirt.

"Need you," she whispers. "Miss you."

"I know, baby, I _know_." And I really do. I miss her so much. We've been together every day since our therapy session but I miss being intimate with her. I miss her taste, her skin and the face she makes when she falls apart for me.

I want to taste her. I want to slip my hand between her legs and find her hot and wet and throbbing for me. I want to hear her whimpers and how she says my name all high-pitched and breathy.

I want to be inside her.

And it's that thought that stops me in my tracks.

"Bella."

She just sighs in response.

"Bella. Baby." I gently pull away, holding her face in my hands and stare at her dilated pupils and gorgeous flushed cheeks.

"We need to stop," I tell her, breathless.

Because it's not enough.

I'm so fucking in love with this girl that I've barely even admitted that to myself but now it hits me like a wrecking ball.

Kissing, touching, making each other come, _it's not enough_. We're amazing together and we deserve more. We deserve everything. And the only way to get that is to do as we've been told.

For a moment she looks crushed, and then defiant. Eventually, she looks resigned.

"You're right," she finally sighs, climbing off my lap and putting distance between us on the couch. Part of me protests in my mind, desperate to have her back in my arms, but I know we have to be good.

"Shit, you're totally right Edward." She nods to herself. "That was very irresponsible."

She moves another couch-cushion over and I can't help chuckling.

"Do we need a force field?"

She laughs. "Apparently!"

I reach over and grab her hand, linking our fingers together and squeezing.

"Come here," I tug.

I see the smallest hint of a grin on her face. "I don't trust myself."

I smile. "Don't be silly, come on."

She shuffles back to my side of the couch, her body nestled close to mine, our linked hands in my lap.

We're silent for a moment, I half watch the news while I wait for my heart to regulate.

"We need to control ourselves," Bella says, with more certainty.

"Yes," I agree. "Doctor's orders. Well, therapist's orders at least."

She rests her head against me, I kiss her hair.

"It's just so _hard_."

"Unfortunate choice of words, Sweetheart." I snigger.

"It's not for long though, right?"

"I really hope not," I try to reassure her, adding, "And just focus on the rewards. The goal."

"Oh believe me, Edward, I think about little else."

Just as my mouth is forming a dirty response that will probably land us back in hot water my phone rings. Saved by the bell.

I look at the display, a mood killer indeed.

"Alright, Mum."

Silence. A sniffle.

"Mum?" I frown. "You there?"

"Hi, yes, sorry love."

She sounds out of it and upset, and this is pretty late for her to call.

"What's wrong?"

More silence and then "Oh nothing. I just fancied a chat. Is that all right? Are you busy?"

The anxiety in her question makes me feel terrible. I guess I have been too busy in the past.

"No of course not," I tell her, turning down the box. "How's things?"

We talk but it's like we're conversing through water, she isn't her usual self at all and a couple of times she sounds like she might be choking back tears. I demand she tells me what's wrong but she just says she's tired and she has a cold. When we hang up I don't feel comfortable at all.

"What's the matter?" Bella asks.

"My mum...she sounds really upset about something. I...I don't know."

Bella frowns, strokes my hand.

"Maybe she just had a really bad day and wanted to talk to someone but didn't want to talk about why it was bad? I need that sometimes."

"Yeah, maybe. It's not like Dad's a great listener." My jaw clenches just thinking about him, we haven't spoken since Southend.

"Don't worry about it, baby. Just call her again in the morning."

I nod. "Yeah, okay. I'm just gonna text Alice though."

_Ali, have you spoken to Mum today? She just called and sounded really weird._

Her reply comes half an hour later while Bella and I are getting ready for bed.

_Weird how?_

_Upset, distracted._

_It's late now, she'll be in bed. I'll call her in the morning though and try to get it out of her. Don't worry. Night, bro x_

_Night x_

* * *

><p>The next day Ali texts me just as I get home.<p>

_Hiya! Spoke to Mum, she sounded fine. Maybe she was just tired?_

That doesn't sound right. She was definitely upset about something last night. She is obviously just covering it today. I tell Alice this and she replies a few minutes later.

_I'm not saying you imagined it. I'm just saying she's fine today._

_I guess. Did she mention Dad at all?_

On the rare occasion when my mother isn't herself, Dad is almost always at the root of it.

_Just that he's been working a lot, hasn't been home._

I text her back with gritted teeth. _Shocking._

_Yeah. Maybe she is just a little lonely, Ed?_

I feel a stab of guilt, thinking about Mum rattling around in that house without Alice and I. She has plenty of friends and a few hobbies but it must be difficult when your husband can hardly find time for you.

_Yeah probably. When shall we next go home?_

_Not this weekend. Jasper has plans._

_I definitely don't want to know what that entails; maybe in a fortnight then?_

_Sure, sounds good. TTYL x_

I turn off my phone and try to push all thoughts of family to the back of my mind so I can focus on tonight and on the "homework" Bella and I will be doing. I have come home to shower, change and get my stuff together then I'm heading to her flat. We figured it made more sense to do this at her place where hopefully she will be more relaxed, although to be honest she spends more than half her time here these days anyway.

I'm trying not to think about how tough this is going to be, she will be almost naked, laid out for me to touch. I'm hard just imagining it and decide that needs to be taken care of if I have any chance of getting through this without ripping her knickers off.

In the shower I allow my thoughts to have free reign. It's a relief after having to control them for much of the week. I'm already rock-hard when I wrap my soapy hand around myself. I sigh with relief as I begin slowly and firmly stroking. My hand has really seen some action this week.

My favourite fantasy spreads out in my mind.

_We're in my office again, apparently I'm a little obsessed, I have no idea if we're alone or not but I don't care, the blinds are shut. Bella is wearing the black skirt from yesterday and I have it bunched up high around her waist. She is pressed against my desk, bent over with her palms placed on either side of her. I press my front to her back, leaning over and pulling her hair away from her neck to kiss her throat. I push my erection against her so she knows exactly what I want._

_I reach my hand into the front of her underwear - black, lacy, simple - and when I slide my fingers down to her opening she is absolutely soaked._

"Yes," I groan against the tile, pulling quicker on my cock.

_I slide two fingers inside her easily and she pushes back to greet them, groaning her pleasure. She is ready for me, completely and utterly. I gently rub her clit until she cries out for me, desperate. I'm palming my hard-on through my work trousers with my other hand._

In the shower I'm leaking pre-cum and feeling closer and closer to release. My groans are drowned out by the running water.

_I pull my hand away and she whimpers, then I pull her soaked knickers to the floor where she steps out of them. I hastily undo my fly and drag my trousers and boxers down my hips, desperate to be buried inside her. Deeply. _Finally.

I'm close, I move my hand harder and faster.

_"Do you want me to fuck you, Baby?"_

_"Yes, please," she groans, looking over her shoulder at me through a curtain of her beautiful hair._

_"Are you ready?"_

_She answers with a certainty that just hasn't been possible in real life._

_"So ready, Edward, I need you. All of you."_

_I line myself up against her opening and push gently. She takes me in easily and I push a little harder. Tight, hot, incredible._

That image alone is enough and my throaty cry echoes around the bathroom as I climax in four long streams that hit the shower wall. The intensity of my orgasm causes my knees to buckle.

I catch my breath and try to shake the images from my mind. I can't help feeling a little guilty after I fantasise about Bella and I finally having sex. I know it's ridiculous because she wants it too and the whole point of what we're doing is for that purpose, our therapy last week was testament to that when Maggie made me admit I was frustrated. Still I can't help feeling a little guilty, like I'm cheating on real Bella with sexually healthy, fantasy Bella.

I blast the shower to cold to really try to rid myself of any last minute horniness before our homework, dress and walk over to Bella's. Being so close is really handy, I figure Volturi's HR department didn't quite have this in mind when they gave my PA accommodation in my Borough!

Bella opens the door wearing a modest, cotton dressing gown covered in characters from Sesame Street. I'm willing to bet it was specifically chosen to be as sexless as possible for the occasion. _Well I'm sorry, Sweetheart, but there is no item of clothing in the world that doesn't make me want to roger you senseless._

She looks adorably nervous.

"What's up?" I ask, amused. "You're acting like we've never seen each other naked before?"

She blushes, I break the rules a little by kissing her firmly.

"It's silly but, other times we've been...distracted. This time you're really going to be looking."

I smirk. "Oh believe me, love, I've always been looking."

She laughs a little nervously. "Do you wanna get a drink or something or just, you know, get on with it?"

"There isn't really anything I like doing more than looking at you naked, Bella."

I need to stop being glib. Maybe I'm a little nervous too.

"Bedroom then?" She bites her lip.

"Lead on, Macduff."

In her room she has set out scented candles, thankfully not vanilla, and turned the lights down low. She has laid the softest looking blanket I've ever seen on the bed and there is gentle music playing quietly in the background. It's a room to make love in and I wish so hard that's what we were doing.

Catching me surveying the space she anxiously wrings her hands and says, "Is it too much? Maggie said to make myself feel as relaxed as possible and I-"

I cut off her ramblings with another light kiss and then pull her to me, holding her really tight.

"Shhhh, baby," I whisper. "It's perfect. Relax, okay?"

She sags against me and we just stand there for a few minutes.

"Do you want to go first or shall I?"

"Um, you'd better. I don't want to get too...worked up."

She smiles. "Right."

I take off my shoes, jeans and socks but keep my t-shirt on for now.

She holds my eyes as she removes the dressing gown and lies down on her back on the bed in just some simple cotton knickers. It's only when she says my name that I realise I'm frozen, holding my breath.

"Sorry," I mutter, climbing up on the bed to kneel next to her. My eyes are greedy, wanting to consume all of her but darting around, not knowing which part to look at first.

"Edward," she says again, softly, leaning up on one elbow and cupping my jaw with her hand. She locks her eyes on mine and I dissolve into those dark pools, almost black in the dim light. Eyes that have held me captive since the first day I saw them.

My heart pounds, I wonder if she can hear it.

"Lie down," I whisper.

"Close your eyes." I'm not sure I can look in her eyes one moment longer without wanting to take her.

Slowly, gently, deliberately I let the pads of my fingers explore her face. I brush along her hairline, taking a moment to indulge in running the silky strands through my fingers. I brush my thumbs along her forehead, over her closed eyelids and dark lashes, across her flushed cheeks. I even stroke my finger down her ear and she flinches and giggles, making me smile. When I run my hand along her throat she shivers.

I pick up the bottle of massage oil Bella has left on the bedside table and pour a little out, rubbing my hands together to warm them. I watch Bella take a deep breath.

"You okay?"

"Yes."

Beginning at her shoulders I run my oiled hands down her arms and back up to trace my fingertips over her collar bone and chest. I watch her beautiful skin, creamy and flawless in the soft light, as it moves gently under my palms.

Moving down her stomach I realise that despite my remarks before I _am _looking at her body differently. I'm noticing things I never noticed before; a tiny mole on her hip, a vaccination scar on her arm, the perfect rosy colour of her nipples that I'd never really paused to consider. When I touch her breasts she releases a tiny whimper and I bite hard on my lip, desperate to take her nipple in my mouth. But I don't. I won't. I'm in control. I'm hard of course, I have been hard this whole time, but I've barely noticed.

As agreed, I avoid the area covered by her simple pale blue underwear. I hold her right thigh between my hands, she's so _tiny_. I massage small circles with my fingertips, when I reach the top of her inner thigh, less than an inch from her pussy, her eyes flash open and lock onto mine. I'm frozen, silent.

We stare, just breathing, and then she smiles - the most simple, sweetest smile I've ever seen. Bizarrely, it's the most connected I've ever felt to another person.

I drag my gaze away and focus on her legs, her knees, her muscled calves and eventually her feet which I massage thoroughly while she sighs in relaxation.

When I finish I realise my hands are shaking.

"How do you feel?" I murmur. Maggie wants us to think about this but more than anything I just need to know.

Her simple answer makes my throat thick and my eyes sting.

"Safe."

* * *

><p>When the intercom buzzes on Saturday I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. I hardly even glance at the delivery note as I sign, instead I watch as they set-up the piano in a cleared corner of my open plan area.<p>

Much like when I watched Bella making herself at home in my loft weeks ago, the piano too looks perfect here. It looks like it's been here all along.

I mumble my thanks to the delivery guys as they shuffle out and take a moment to admire the instrument from across the room. I walk over to stand beside it and take my time running my hands over the beautiful polished ebony before sitting down, grazing my fingers over the keys.

I inhale deeply, push all thoughts of my father to one side and play a few scales. The acoustics sound even better in here than in Alistair's shop. I begin with the pieces I can still play from memory. I'm still a little rusty and hit a couple of bad notes but overall it feels fantastic. Eventually, I grab some of the new sheet music I bought and begin playing, learning, memorising.

There are other things I should be doing today but now I can't leave the instrument alone. The luxury of playing, alone, and playing whatever I want to play has the child inside me jumping for joy.

Before I know it, two hours have gone by and my hands are almost aching. I close the sheet music and just play a few notes that have been buzzing around in my mind for a while. It's what I always hear in my head when I think of Bella and hearing it welded into real notes in the air is both strange and wonderful. I've never been skilled at composing. Carlisle always pushed for it, he said I had the skill so couldn't understand why I was no good at creating my own pieces. I could compose and although they were always structurally sound and kept my father quiet for a little while, he knew what I knew - my original music lacked passion, lacked that magical musical element that made you _feel _the melody deep in your soul. Not surprising I suppose when you consider I was writing music with my head and not my heart.

But today is different; a few notes turn into a few bars, a melody, a_ feeling_. It flows out without me even concentrating, all to the backdrop of my girl. I think about Thursday night, about her beautiful body and her endless trust. About how she said she felt safe.

I don't bother to stop to write it down, I just play it over and over, knowing that my fingers are not going to forget these notes, these emotions. I eventually have to stop.

"Wow..." Her quiet voice makes me jump.

I spin around and there she is - as if conjured by the music - gorgeous in jeans and a simple white top, eyes bright with surprise and happiness.

I stand up and walk over to put my hands around her waist, breathing in her hair. I bend down and give her a slow, soft kiss, hovering my lips over hers for a few moments afterwards, revelling in her.

"How's that key working out for you?" I tease.

"Sorry," she blushes slightly, dropping her head before I lift her chin and smile so she knows I'm joking. "I just...I heard the music and I wanted to see."

I kiss her once more before she wiggles out of my arms and over to the piano, running her hand over it reverently.

She looks at me. "You bought this?"

I nod, feeling strangely shy.

"Come back and play some more."

I sit and pull her down beside me on the stool. I push her hair over her shoulder and nuzzle my mouth against her neck. She hums but pulls away.

"Play, Edward."

"What do you want to hear?"

"Whatever you were playing just now, it was beautiful."

I pick up the melody, feeling both exhilarated and unnerved now that my muse is here listening.

I have no idea how this piece ends yet so I'm forced to stop when I run out of notes.

"What is that?" Bella asks. "I've never heard it before."

I shrug. "I just knocked it up."

She stares at me. "You "_knocked it up_"? You wrote that?"

I nod again. Why am I embarrassed about this?

She grins. "Jesus, Edward. You're _amazing_, you know that, right?"

I give her my most self-assured smirk. "Well..."

She laughs, kisses me. "I'm so glad you bought this, that you want to play again. You're too good not to."

My head rushes with her praise. Somehow a few words from Bella mean more than two decades of encouragement from my dad.

I wrap my hand around the back of her neck and draw her mouth to mine. I suck her bottom lip and she slips her tongue into my mouth. I groan, pulling her body closer, massaging her tongue with mine, never wanting to stop, never wanting to be apart.

Afterwards we're both breathless and I cuddle her close.

"It's about you," I whisper, my face buried in her neck. "The song is how I feel about you."

She pushes me back and forces me to look at her. Her eye lashes are wet.

"I love you," she whispers.

This girl reduces me to goo, it's quite ridiculous.

"I love you too, Sweetheart," I tell her. "More every fucking day."

It's the truth.

She looks thoughtful. "I was serious the other day, I think we should definitely tell Aro next week."

I nod. "We will."

She gives me a wide smile, my heart races in response. "I can't wait until we don't have to hide anymore."

"Me neither," I murmur. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You do know that?"

"To me, too. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I was to pick this place. To find you."

I shrug. "Maybe it was luck. Maybe it was how things were meant to be."

Bella giggles. "Aww, Cullen, you are such a softy deep down, huh?"

I fake a shudder. "No 'softy' talk before therapy, eh?"

She laughs. "Fair enough! Speaking of, we'd better go."

"Yep," I sigh, reluctantly standing up and closing the fallboard over the keys.

"You'll play more later?" she asks, hopefully.

"Baby, I'm not sure I can ever _stop _now."

She grins. "Good, that's what every girl likes to hear."

* * *

><p>The second therapy session is so much easier than the first. Maggie has such a relaxing manner about her, as well as incredible knack for getting you to open up. That's a major tool of the trade for a therapist I guess.<p>

We talk about our frustrations, how desperate we were this week. We even confess our naughty almost slip-up. As usual, Maggie is understanding and logical. She asks about our homework task and when Bella again tells her she felt safe I feel so relieved and happy, proud even.

"This is an excellent start, guys," Maggie tells us. "Just the fact that Bella picked that word is a major breakthrough. Until she feels truly safe she's not going to be able to relax physically so this is a fantastic development."

Bella smiles at me and squeezes my hand. She's already a different woman from the one I watched enter this room for that first session.

"And now...more homework."

I resist the urge to groan. I have been positively dreading what sort of challenges Maggie is planning to set up this week.

"You've explored each other's bodies in a non-sexual way and now I want you to focus on the sexual organs."

This sounds a little more promising.

"Bella, I know from some of our other conversations that you sometimes feel your genitals are ugly, is that right?"

"Um...yes."

I don't think Maggie misses the utterly incredulous stare I direct at Bella. _Ugly__?_ That's insane. I _must _rectify that.

"Well again I think this is another facet of your condition," Maggie continues. "So this week I want you to really explore yourself. Thoroughly. Use a hand mirror so you can see everything clearly and I want you to explore all of yourself."

I don't miss her smirk. "Edward, your role is to watch."

Done!

"Ask Bella questions. How does she feel about certain parts? What does she see? What feelings does she associate it with?"

She gives us both a sly smile.

"And I'm not a total sadist, much as you may have been cursing me last week, so after exploring I want you to touch yourself in a sexual way, Bella. I want you to work out what gives you pleasure and how and I want you to share that with Edward."

Oh this is so much better than last week!

"And Edward, the same goes for you. Masturbate together but try not to touch each other. This is about _self_-exploration but I do want you to share how you are feeling at every point, with each other. I want Bella to learn that her sexual organs are beautiful and nothing to fear or shy away from."

Bella nods slowly. I'm desperate to be inside her head right now.

"Any questions?" Maggie asks.

We shake our heads and she bids us farewell. As we're walking out into the waiting room I lean my head close to Bella's and whisper:

"FYI, I am _so_ on board with this week's task."

Her giggle dies on her lips and I watch her face freeze in horror, staring at one of the waiting room chairs.

"What's the-" Words fail me too as I follow her gaze to the familiar face staring back at us.

Sitting on a plastic chair, in the waiting room of Marylebone's most reputable sexual therapy clinic, mirroring our horrified expression is Aro Volturi.

**A/N**

**Figured I haven't left you on a cliffy for at least 3 chapters so it was about time, right? ;-) Credit for this one goes to Trip, I just hope I manage to do her awesome idea justice.**

**Three pretty amazing fic-related things happened in the last week. _theladyingrey42_ gave us another outtake for Our Lives Unbound which was _incredible_. I FINALLY started reading Pocket Change by _aWhiteBlankPage_ and I can't believe how late I am to this party, it's one of the best fics I've encountered in recent months. AND, the real icing on the cake, _WhatsMyNomDePlume_ is writing a mini-fic sequel to The Best I Ever Had! I literally squealed when I saw that in my inbox. TBIEH has always been my all time favourite fic so this just about made my week. It's unlikely but if there is anyone left out there who isn't familiar with all of the above, then please read them _now_ - so, so good. **

**Lastly, please tell me your thoughts on this chapter. It really makes me so happy, and keeps me inspired. THANK YOU.**

**Amber xxx**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N**

**Thank you for the lovely reviews to the last chapter, your enthusiasm blows me away. And hi to the newer voices, I loved hearing from you. **

**Trip (aka _FFFan1664_), _dreamalittledream83 _and_ _ladyeire3__ are so fabulous that even when I give them next to no time, due to being unwell and busy, they still turn these chapters around incredibly quickly, and improve them hugely. Seriously, guys, if you're enjoying this story then please send those ladies some love too because this crazy tale would definintely not be the same without them. Extra special thanks to Trip for giving me the Aro idea in the first place, I just hope I did it justice ;-) **

**If I gave my chapters titles, this one would be "Sticky Situations"...**

**BPOV**

Oh my God.

Oh my God oh my God oh my God.

This cannot be real.

This has to be a dream. Only in a dream would you bump into your _boss_ at your _therapist's _office while you are trying to fix your sex life with your _other_ boss. Only in a dream. Or a movie, and I don't remember signing up for this role.

The three of us continue to stare for another moment before Aro launches unsteadily to his feet, as if propelled by a force outside of his control. Maybe it's the same impulse that makes you instinctively sit down when you are shocked, only in reverse.

Nobody has spoken so I briefly wonder if Edward and I can just run outside and pretend we never saw him.

Then they both speak at once.

"Ed?"

"Aro?"

My nails dig into Edward's palm where we have been too surprised to drop hands.

More silence. The question we all want to ask but can't - _what are you doing here? _- hangs heavy in the air between us.

"Aro Volturi?"

Thank _fuck_. We are saved when Aro is led into one of the rooms, still frowning at us in confusion. Edward hastily pulls us outside and I drag in the fresh air.

"Blimey," he mutters, then looks at me. "Did that really just happen?"

"Apparently." I'd really like to sit down.

"Well...shit." He drags a hand through his hair.

"He doesn't even know we're dating." I can hear the disbelief in my own quiet voice.

Edward scoffs, "I think he does now, baby!"

I stare at him. "Do you find this_ funny_?"

"No! Not funny just...well, just crazy."

"Crazy? Edward, this is _bad_. Really, really bad." I can feel panic beginning to close in around me. Aro knows. Aro knows I'm a freak, that there's something wrong with me.

"They're _all _going to know," I whisper, my chest growing tighter.

I can feel Edward's concerned eyes on me.

"They're all going to know everything. It...it will be just like in Forks. They'll stare at us and whisper and..."

I can feel my breath coming quicker and tears stinging my eyes and filling my throat.

"Bella," Edward has his hands on my face, turning me to look at him. "Baby, it's okay. Nobody is going to know. Everything's fine."

"How do you know that?" Two tears slide down my cheek. God, I am _sick _of crying. _Pathetic little girl._

"_Listen _to me. Aro was there too! He obviously has his own, um, situation to deal with. He's not going to be shouting about us all over the office because then he'd have to admit that he was there as well."

Of course. Aro was there, too. Why _was_ he there?

"You're right," I murmur. "I'm sorry, of course you're right."

I focus my energy on everything Maggie has taught me in our CBT sessions. Her voice rings in my head like a gentle bell.

_Acknowledge the automatic thought, Bella. Face it and recognise it. Identify the logical response._

Aro _won't _tell anyone. I'm fine. I'm safe.

I shake the hysterical thoughts from my head and bury the dark memories. People staring, whispering. Jake's friends murmuring "frigid" as I walk past. Not here. Not the same.

"Bella?" Edward looks worried. My Edward, my everything. A man who is risking his own reputation every day just by being with me.

No. _Counteract with a positive thought, Bella._

Edward who loves me. Edward who sees good in me. Edward who I _will _get better for.

I meet his eyes and smile.

"I'm fine," I tell him.

He frowns. "Are you?"

_Honesty, Bella_. "I will be. It just...caught me off guard."

"Me too!" he exclaims, pulling me into a hug. I breathe in his scent, wrap my arms around him tightly. _Mine._ He isn't leaving me and I'm not leaving him. We'll face this together. A team.

Safe.

God, I love him. What I thought I felt for Jake on our best day doesn't even touch Edward and I on our worst. This is real, and no whispers or stares or rumours will break what we have.

"Let's get a coffee and sit down for a sec," He suggests, taking my hand and leading me to Starbucks.

Five minutes later I have both a Mocha Frappuchino and some perspective.

"On the bright side," Edward says with an ironic grin. "I think we just eliminated the question of _how _we're going to tell him."

I smile back. "True."

I bury my head in my hands with a groan. "Oh God, imagine what Monday will be like though." I lift my eyes. "What the hell are we gonna say?"

Edward looks thoughtful. "Much as I'd love to pretend it didn't happen, maybe we should face it head on. I'll ask to speak to him as soon as he comes in and I'll just say yep, we're together and no, we're not discussing why you saw us in that place."

"Won't he press you?"

"And risk me pressing him? Why would he? Plus, he can pry all he likes because although we may be obligated to disclose our relationship we are certainly not obligated to disclose private information about our sex life."

I take a big gulp of my drink and a deep breath.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. God, baby, I'm so sorry I freaked out back there."

"Hey," he reaches across the table to grab my hand. "It's completely understandable given what happened in Washington."

His green eyes take on this beautiful, determined look that I've seen a few times since we began therapy.

"But please believe me when I say this is _completely _different. Nobody will know anything. You don't have to be afraid. You're safe, right?" His face lights up with a hopeful smile which I return.

"Yes," I whisper.

"Besides, I wouldn't say you 'freaked out' anyway. You started to panic and then...stopped. What was going through your head?"

"Are _you _my shrink now, Cullen?" I tease and he smiles gently. " I guess I just remembered Maggie's words, tried to use the coping methods she has taught me."

I lift Edward's hand and kiss his fingers just because I can.

He grins. "I guess we owe Maggie a nice bottle of wine when this is over, eh?"

When this is over. When I am better. I feel that rush, that emotion that used to be so alien and now frequently fills my head - hope.

I'm still afraid of many things but I'm not afraid of hoping any more.

* * *

><p>The moment that always stays with me is Jacob's face when I told him I was leaving. Utter shock and disbelief. He absolutely could not fathom why or how I could leave.<p>

I stayed with Jake for only two days after the night he outed us in the bar. Two days of people staring, people whispering in the corner of the store and casting curious or callous looks in my direction. Two days of living in the shadow of a secret told.

I left before noon but he had already had several whisky-laden coffees. He thought I couldn't smell it. We fought of course; he yelled, he begged, I cried. Eventually I left with bruises on my arm that matched his fingers. But even as he watched me climb into my truck his eyes were glazed with shock. Despite everything he still couldn't believe I was going. Sometimes I wonder if he still feels that way, still sits on the porch and waits for his wife to return, wondering how I ever clawed my way out of the box he locked me in.

Things were no better even under my father's protection. Forks seemed to consist of only two types of people for Charlie and me. The gossips, who fluttered around my father like small but vicious birds under the guise of friendship, but in reality seeking any tidbit of information he would cast their way like fragments of a loaf. I had never been so grateful for my private, stoic father; they didn't get a single crumb.

Then there were the people who just ignored me, people I had known all my life who suddenly didn't know what to say and couldn't look me in the eye. I wasn't sure what was worse.

I know Edward is right. I'm sure Aro is just as embarrassed as we are, so is unlikely to breathe a word about seeing us at the clinic on Saturday. However, when I arrive at the office on Monday morning a small part of me feels like the Bella of Forks, hiding behind the shelves at the local store. I try to remind myself that this is _different _and that I should hold my head up high. _You don't have to be ashamed anymore, Swan._

We arrive together for once, what's the point of keeping up the pretence? Now that Aro knows it doesn't matter who else does. Alone in the elevator, Edward gives me a brief, soft kiss and runs his hand through my ponytail.

"You all right?"

I breathe deep and nod. "Yep. We'll get it over with quick, right? You're going to speak to him as soon as we arrive?"

"That's the plan, love." He offers me a small smile. "And don't worry, it'll all be better after today."

I hope he's right, I hope the day doesn't end with me packing my bags.

I haven't even taken off my jacket when Aro appears at my desk like a hovering spectre. Predictably I jump about a foot in the air. Edward, my would-be saviour, appears in his office doorway almost as quickly but when he opens his mouth to speak it's Aro's voice that is heard.

"A word please. My office, five minutes." His face is unreadable while he casts his glance between us. "_Both _of you."

Edward clears his throat. "Aro, I'm not sure Bella is needed, can't we just-"

Aro silences him with just a look. "Both of you."

We both hide in the safety of Edward's office for a couple of minutes.

"Bugger," he mutters as we watch our boss walk away through the glass. "Guess our strike wasn't pre-emptive enough, eh?"

"Guess not." My heart is pounding. "Did he look mad to you? Or embarrassed?"

"He didn't look anything really, but that man has an incredible poker face."

I collapse into the chair opposite Edward's desk. "Fuck._ Fuck. _He's going to fire me, or reassign me."

Edward perches on the desk and looks down at me.

"Listen to me. That is _not _going to happen." He drops his voice further. "You need to calm down, baby." He almost never uses any term of endearment in the office but it has the desired effect, reminding me that I'm safe, and wanted and his.

I nod.

"Okay, let's go."

The ten-yard walk to Aro's office feels like miles. When we eventually walk inside he's sitting behind his desk. His stance is relaxed but his face looks a little less composed than it did a few minutes ago.

"Shut the door," he commands. Does he honestly think we _wouldn't_?

"Sit."

We take the chairs opposite him in silence. My heart pounds hard enough to rattle my rib cage. Aro looks at us both and eventually lets out a huge sigh.

"Ed, what does Volturi do? What's our business?"

Edward looks dumbstruck for a moment, clearly not expecting this question.

"Executive Search."

Aro rolls his eyes. "Less marketing speak."

Despite everything, I notice Edward's lip quirks in the tiniest hint of a smile.

"Headhunting," he amends. "Recruitment."

Aro nods. "And what is our commodity? What's our product?"

Edward frowns, thinking. "Well...people."

"And what do we do with those people? What's our role?"

Where the hell is he going with this? God, can't we just get to the terrible point?

"We look at their experience, their skills and we match them to employers."

Aro continues to stare so Edward continues to talk.

"We judge them against others; we get a feel for their personalities. We-" he suddenly looks up and I see the lightbulb go off in his head.

With a resigned tone and the hint of a wry smile he says, "We read them."

"Bingo!" Aro smiles and it's somewhere between smug and...kind?

He looks between the two of us again and I try not to squirm. The atmosphere is suffocating.

"I've been reading people for more than 25 years. Did you really, honestly think I haven't been reading you two?"

Silence. All I can hear is the hum of Aro's computer and the muffled office sounds from outside.

"You knew?" I whisper, realisation dawning.

He looks at me, somewhere between smirking and smiling.

"Yes, Isabella."

"How long?" Edward asks, looking equally surprised.

"You forget, Ed. I was in the room the moment you two met. And then I watched you shooting Bella decidedly inappropriate glances for the next few weeks." He sits back in his chair, frowning at Edward in mild disapproval. "Of course this is nothing unusual for you, but something seemed...different to your usual casual flirting."

My heart is still racing but I can feel the soothing tendrils of relief starting to flow in. He knows. He has known all this time and he doesn't seem angry.

"Then there was the anniversary party. I wasn't the only one that night who noticed that you two were...close."

"You never questioned me?" Edward looks uncertain. "You never warned me off."

Aro shrugs. "I'm not going to pretend I wasn't a little concerned, with your reputation who knew what this could mean for your working relationship."

He glances towards me. "Sorry but it's true."

I nod dumbly.

"Anyway, I kept a close eye on you, to see if either one of you became distracted and yet...nothing. Quite the opposite in fact." He breaks into a slightly sleazy grin. "Frankly, as long as your numbers stay up, Eddie, and I carry on hearing great things about you, Bella, you can do whatever you want." Pause. "Outside of working hours of course."

My cheeks redden when I remember the Comms Room but I don't think he actually knows about that, it's just a warning. I _think_. God, I hope.

"I guess you really are good at your job, Aro," Edward finally says with a nervous, sheepish chuckle.

"Yes," Aro replies. "Of course, it helps that both of you are about as subtle as a brick."

I feel like my cheeks might explode from the heat, and even Edward has the grace to study the carpet.

"And now, um, this other business." Aro clears his throat and when I glance at him, he is suddenly looking less confident and more embarrassed.

"I may have had strong suspicions about your relationship but I won't pretend I wasn't surprised to see you on Saturday."

Jesus, I want the ground to open up. Or the fire alarm to sound. Or the building to collapse - _anything _to allow me to escape this conversation.

"What you were doing there is certainly none of my business..."

"That's true," Edward says in a strong, clear voice, all humour and subordination gone.

Aro meets his eyes. "And equally I don't wish to discuss my own...situation either."

Several possible answers amble through my mind unbidden, every one of them resulting in a desperately unwelcome mental image of Aro's cock. I'll need to pour bleach into my brain after this.

"So it's best we just forget that particular encounter ever happened, don't you agree?"

Mine and Edward's joint sighs of relief are so audible it's almost comical.

"Yes," I breathe.

"Agreed," Edward says.

"Right then," Aro claps his hands together and I sense we are dismissed. "Providing all continues as it has been in the office I see no reason to let this be a problem. Off you go, busy day." He sends us on our way with a flick of his wrist and goes back to his computer as if our conversation never happened. Part of me wonders if it did.

We walk back to Edward's office in a daze and when we're safely back inside I collapse in the chair and let out the breath I've been holding. Edward releases a nervous laugh.

"See? Told you it was nothing to worry about."

I lift my head and raise an eyebrow.

"What?" he grins.

I smile back, allowing cool relief to truly overtake me. "Oh please, as if you weren't as anxious as me in there."

My boss/boyfriend just smiles and stays silent, bravado intact.

"So," he says. "Now Aro knows what do you want to do about the others? Rip it off fast like a plaster or let it slowly trickle down the proverbial rumour mill."

I'm not sure I can cope with days or weeks of curious, are-they-aren't-they stares.

"Fast," we both say.

Edward's face lights up with a slightly sinister grin. "I know just the thing."

He stands up, walks across the room and swings the door open.

"Hey, Jess?"

She looks up from her computer with a vaguely interested smile.

Edward grins, wide and amused. "Bella and I are in a relationship."

She stares blankly, "Eh?"

"We're a couple. Going out with each other. _Dating_, as my Yankee girlfriend would say."

If I didn't know better I'd swear I could actually hear the thud when Jessica's chin hits her keyboard. She glances through the glass at me, then back at Edward, then back at me again. I shrug, blushing.

Edward closes the door again and saunters back over to me.

"That oughta do it," he smirks.

What else can I do? I laugh. Hard.

* * *

><p>"Is this against Maggie's rules?" Edward whispers, placing several slow, open-mouthed kisses along my wet neck, moving my freshly-washed hair out of the way.<p>

I tilt my head to encourage him. "Hmmm...I'm not sure."

"How about this?" He gently grasps my hips and pulls my naked body even closer to his, bath water sloshing gently. I can feel his erection and it makes me whimper under my breath.

"Definitely." This is absolutely breaking the rules, but that only sends a thrill through me.

"You are such a rebel, Edward," I tease, twisting my head to kiss him, sliding a hand into his thick, wet hair. He strokes my tongue languidly with his.

"How did this happen?"

"You said you were having a bath," he replies, simply.

I can't help smiling. "I didn't mean you had to join me."

"What can I say? I'm impulsive."

I giggle when he pulls my earlobe between his teeth.

"I'm supposed to be relaxing."

"Are you not relaxed, Sweetheart?" I can almost hear him pouting.

I push my ass against him, playing with fire and enjoying how it burns.

"No, I'm excited." Grin. "Are you?"

"What do you think?" He half turns my body, splashing water over the side, and takes my mouth again. My hand finds his shoulder, the other the nape of his neck and I drink, drink, drink from his lips. Nobody has ever kissed me like Edward does.

When we break apart my chest is flushed, and Edward is breathless and so hard against my thigh. But his playful eyes are gone, replaced by his determined, rule-abiding look.

"Okay, relaxation time." His voice is pained. He kisses my nose. "Don't take too long though, I'll be in the other room...waiting."

Waiting.

For me. Waiting for me to touch myself, explore myself, at Maggie's request.

He climbs out of the bath and I enjoy the sight of his perfect, tight ass before he wraps a towel around his waist and leaves the bathroom with a wink.

Startled by the extra space, I lie down and sink my head under the still-warm water. Edward has a tub that dreams are made of; huge, deep and fitted with several spa settings. I pop back up, take a breath, and rest my head against the perfectly moulded ledge I set the jets to a low setting, close my eyes and try to empty my mind.

This week has been both good and bad. It has been a huge relief to be able to out ourselves to Aro and the rest of the company. Telling Jess had the desired effect and almost every Volturi Executive Search employee knew within hours. Angela was her wonderful, sweet self and just smiled at me and whispered that we were cute together. Of course, Jess was nowhere near as subdued. As soon as Edward left for a meeting she was perched on my desk and assaulting me with a barrage of quick fire questions and comments:

"I knew it...you're terrible at keeping a secret, Bella...it was at the party, wasn't it? You left together. Oh my God, what's he like? Is he an awesome shag? God, I bet he is. He certainly should be after all those women...I mean, I'm sorry, but you _know _about the women, right? Guess that's a thing of the past then. Random. What's he like out of work? Is he fun? What do you have in common? God, this is exciting, the inside scoop on Edward Cullen..."

In the end I had to actually walk away to get her to stop.

And there's the difficult part. A whole office of people who now know that Edward and I are "shagging." Except we're not. And that hurts.

So much for emptying my mind.

I plunge back under water and try to erase the memory of Jess's incessant chatter. I focus on Maggie. Calm, logical, sensible Maggie. When I surface, I take several deep breaths. I focus on Edward in the room next door and the homework task ahead of me. Absolutely nothing to be afraid of. There won't be any pain tonight, nothing to be anxious about. I'll just be looking...and touching. Nothing I haven't done before, so why is my heart racing a little fast?

_"Maybe you should try touching yourself, honey?" Jake has been touching me for a long time, it felt good but I just couldn't quite relax enough. Two fingers were tight and painful._

_"Why?" I ask him, choking back tears of frustration._

_His gaze is a little stormy, dark enough to raise the hairs on the back of my neck._

_"Because I'm obviously not doing it for you, am I?"_

_"Jake, please," I murmur and my voice is so weak._

_"Please what? I'm only telling you the truth."_

_"Please don't keep saying stuff like that, about how it's your fault."_

_He frowns. "Well isn't it? I clearly don't turn you on enough."_

_I roll onto my side away from him. I know this is over for tonight._

_"I can't help it," I whisper, the first tear silently tracking down my face._

_"I know," Jake says, but his tone still hard. He is on the other side of the bed and it feels like miles. "And I can't help you."_

_We're silent. Guilty, I shuffle towards him. I wrap my arm around him and move close to his stiff, unyielding back. We lay there for a few minutes, I feel invisible. Eventually, I slide a hand around his hip, brush against his crotch._

_"Do you want me to...?"_

_He shifts away violently and stands up._

_"No thanks," he grunts. "I can take care of myself."_

_He disappears into the bathroom and slams the door behind him. One more barrier between us._

My breath is quick and the water has cooled. I sit up, take deep breaths and force Jake into the locked box at the back of my mind.

I have a beautiful man next door who has never slammed a door on me or turned his back.

"Don't be a coward," I whisper out loud.

I drain the tub, stand and dry myself. Wrapped in one of Edward's fluffy towels I pad slowly to his room.

Inside, Edward is lying on the bed wearing only a pair of cotton sleep pants and a half-smile.

Absolutely mouth-watering.

"Alright, baby," he murmurs, glancing at my towel-covered body. "I like your dress."

With just a look and a few words he has chased away my dark thoughts. I smile.

I climb up on the bed, remove the towel and slip a satin nightdress over my head. I don't bother with panties of course but I don't want to feel completely exposed, despite the half-serious pout Edward shoots me.

He produces my hand mirror apparently from thin air and gives it to me, smirking.

I can't help but grin.

"You're really looking forward to this, aren't you?"

"My sexy as fuck girlfriend is about to touch her pussy in front of me, what do you reckon?"

As always, his words make my breath catch.

"Pervert," I whisper, kidding.

"Tease," he grins, before moving to the foot end of the bed to face me.

How the fuck do I start? I feel my cheeks heat up.

Edward's face grows more serious. He leans forward, caresses my ankle.

"Hey, don't be embarrassed."

I nod, slowly. I lift my knees and open my legs, allowing my nightdress to ride upwards. I keep my eyes fixed on Edward as his gaze falls to what I have revealed to him and I watch him swallow.

I take the hand mirror and hold it up to my pussy, leaning forward to look. It's weird but I've never actually looked before, not with a mirror, not properly. It makes me uncomfortable and I want to draw my legs back together but I don't. Edward's eager look stops me.

I stare for a few minutes. I'm simply baffled by what can be found attractive about it. Baffled by why Edward is staring at me in rapt fascination.

"Ready to touch?" he says in a low, strained voice.

I bite my lip, nodding. I slide my fingers between my legs and explore gently. Neat hair at the top, I wonder briefly if Edward would prefer me bare but then I'd feel even more...exposed. I gently pull back my outer lips, exposing the pink beneath. Edward's quick intake of breath makes me look up and his eyes are dark. Why does he like this? I admit that mine isn't as unpleasant as some I have seen, in photos and porn, at least everything is kind of neat and inside but all that does is remind me that I'm tight, and not in a good way.

Too tight, too small.

Broken.

I slide my fingers upwards to my clit and enjoy the pleasant feeling when my finger strokes the small bud. Of course I've touched myself before, I masturbate, but I never really _look_.

Edward clears his throat. "So..." Swallow. "What do you see? How do you think you look?" he asks in a professional voice that contrasts greatly with eyes that are almost ablaze.

I struggle to find words.

"It looks...weird."

"Weird?" he frowns.

I tear my gaze from his.

"Ugly," I whisper.

"Why?"

I take a shaky breath. "Because...it doesn't work."

Edward kneels up and moves closer. He traces a hand down my cheek and I wish he would touch me between my legs instead, so that _I _could stop. Stop looking, stop feeling so exposed. But he doesn't.

Instead, he whispers, "I guess it depends on how you define its function."

He gently takes the wrist of the hand I'm using and moves my fingers back to my clit. He bends his head and kisses my shoulder.

"I think one function is definitely to bring you pleasure," he encourages me to press more firmly and I groan a little. My skin tingles where his hand touches mine. "And I'd say that part works just fine, wouldn't you?"

He pulls back, sits on his heels. I continue to gently rub my clit. His eyes are intense but his lips are soft with a small smile.

"Relax, baby. It's just me."

My eyes fall to his crotch and I can see how hard he is beneath the thin material of his pants. My breath catches, I slide my fingers lower and find moisture there, I coat my fingers and move back to my clit. I close my eyes and I hear Edward groan. When I open them again he is palming himself.

"I want to see you too," I whisper.

He pushes his pants down to his hips and takes himself in his hand. Hard, flawless, perfect. He strokes himself slowly, his free hand fists the duvet.

"Do you like how _I _look?" he asks.

"Yes," I murmur, stroking myself a little more firmly, dipping down to feel how slick I am.

"Why is it different?" We're both getting breathless.

"Because it's part of you and you're beautiful," I answer honestly.

He pauses to look into my eyes. "That's how I feel about your pussy."

The way he says pussy makes me shiver, I love his voice so much. So many different tones, so colourful. Sometimes serious and professional, often kind, soft and loving. Right now; strained, deep and throaty. Honey and rocks and...pure sex.

He stares between my legs. "It's beautiful and sexy, and begging for my mouth."

Yes, there's _nothing _professional about his current tone.

His cock forgotten for a moment he leans forward, stares at me as if I'm something to eat. Which I suppose I am and God how I want him to taste me.

"It feels good now, right?" he whispers. "You're not uncomfortable anymore."

Stroke, dip, wet, stroke. I tremble a little.

"No, it feels good." My voice breaks. "Really good."

He grabs his cock again, pulling roughly. "Yes, it does."

"Look at yourself again now," he orders, gesturing towards the abandoned hand mirror. I hold it up and look again. I'll admit the sight of my wet lips and fingers, the semi-skilled rubbing of my clit is a lot more pleasant than before.

"Do you like that?" Edward asks and I can only nod. The beginning trembles of my climax start to build.

"Do you see how wet you are? How hard your clit is?"

A moan escapes me and Edward's hand moves faster.

"Do you see how _that _would turn me on?" Strained, throaty. "How beautiful your arousal is?"

"Yes, I...I think so."

I know I'm close and I don't want this to be over so I slow down, slip my fingers lower to my soaking folds. I drop the mirror and watch Edward instead. His hand moves with such familiarity, the shaft slightly moist from where he has spread his pre-cum from the tip. Sensing my pause he slows down too, fingers gently stroking at the base. I watch in fascination as he strokes his balls.

"I wish I was touching you," I whisper, desperate to take him in my mouth.

"I do too," he groans.

To me he looks so amazing; hard and turned on and breathless. So could I look that way to him too? That _isn't _ugly.

I yank off my nightdress, and settle down lower on the bed, moving my hand quickly back between my legs.

"Jesus," Edward mutters.

I rub my clit until I'm close to the edge again, my own breath fast in my ears. Then I move my hand down and slowly, gently slip my middle finger inside.

"Fuck, yes," I hear Edward say and he scrambles nearer to me. I want him to touch me but at the same time I don't. I like watching him touch himself so much and it seems he likes watching me too.

"Does that feel good, baby? Inside you?"

"Yes,"

"I want it to be my fingers."

Shiver. "Yes."

As gently as I can I try to push a second finger inside. There's a sting and then just fullness. I use my other hand to stroke my clit.

This is the first time I've ever had two of my own fingers inside me and that sends a thrill down my spine.

"Fucking hell, sweetheart." Edward is leaning over me now, one hand propped against the bed an inch from my bare hip, the other quickly and roughly pulling at his cock. Sliding my fingers in and out, I watch his face, flushed cheeks, mouth slightly open, crazy hair. My favourite kind of Edward.

"I need to come soon, Bella," he tells me urgently, his eyes darting between my face and my fingers. "God, you look so amazing. Just looking at you makes me want to come."

I press harder on my clit and I know I won't be able to stand holding off much longer either. He leaks. I lay back.

"Edward," I hardly recognise the guttural tone of my voice. "Please."

"Anything," he grunts.

"Come on me. I want to feel it. Come on my chest." I don't know who this girl is or where this request is coming from but _fuck_ I want it.

He scrambles up my body, straddling me. He grabs the headboard with his free hand. I rub my clit, hard, fast, imagining it's him.

I watch his cock and the hand that strokes it, almost at my eye line. His strained face above me.

"Fuck. _Fuck__. _Coming, baby..."

Hot tingling spreads through me and I watch as three creamy streams land on my breasts, while he groans. The moment I feel the sticky heat of him on my skin my own orgasm hits and shoots through my body. I close my eyes and feel every sensation through every muscle until I'm shivering and covered in a sheen of sweat and goose bumps.

When I open my eyes Edward is staring at me; my face, my chest, my mouth. Our heavy breaths seem loud in the quiet room.

"Bloody hell," he mutters and it's so British that I laugh. Figuring it's safe to touch him now I reach up and draw his face to mine, the relief of just kissing him after not touching thrills me. I eagerly pull him down until his chest is flush with mine, the evidence of his pleasure a sticky mess between us. But I don't care, I love it.

"Nothing says a great night like cum in the chest hair, eh?" he laughs, burying his face in my neck and gathering me closer still.

And that right there is why I love him. Much as he can be intense and serious at times he always makes me laugh, makes me light, makes me so _bloody _happy.

"Come on," I say, smiling and trying to lift him up and wiggle out from under him. "Something tells me we need another bath..."

**A/N**

**Can't wait to hear your thoughts, you guys rock my world so hard. Also, remember to make sure you're logged in or else your review just comes out as "guest" and I can't send you love. Unless of course you _want _to be anonymous, which is fine too :-) **

**Thank you. **

**Amber x**


	25. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer - SM owns Twilight but Britward is all mine (and _bornonhalloween_'s on certain weekends...)**

**A/N**

**Seriously, guys? 130 reviews for the last chapter, absolutely amazing! I can't thank you enough, your comments and encouragement keep me really focused. And...I never thought I'd ever say this in this fandom BUT a LOT of love for Aro last chapter! I'm really glad you like the cocky, soft-hearted old pervert ;-)**

**Thank you to Trip as always for the (literally!) _hours_ she dedicates to helping me, and to my goregous pre-readers for their skills and the love they show this story. **

**BPOV**

_Squeeze...flex...squeeze...flex...squeeze_.

I suddenly feel soft lips against mine and hear a low, deep voice in my ear. "Are you asleep?"

I smile, opening my eyes to see Edward's gorgeous, rumpled face.

"No. I'm doing my Kegel exercises."

He lets out a playful growl and kisses me deeply, half covering me with his body.

"Hot," he murmurs, running his mouth along my collarbone.

I chuckle. "Seriously, baby, only _you _can find pelvic floor exercises a turn on."

"I find _everything_ about you a turn on. Especially everything related to...homework."

"You've changed your tune. Maggie's name was mud a few weeks ago."

He keeps his face buried in my neck, moves his hand over my breast and my breath catches.

"Yes, well, that was then," he says, sucking on the skin behind my ear. "This is _now_."

This is now. Now is three joint therapy sessions later, three homework tasks successfully completed. Now is 15 minutes since Edward last made me come, with his tongue, with his fingers.

With something else.

"Jesus, it is _not _okay that I'm so turned on by these now," he half-groans, grabbing the dilator he earlier tossed on my nightstand, abandoned in favour of his fingers. Thrusting to a place no one had ever reached before, they gave me an orgasm different to any I've ever experienced; one that was more intense that any time previously and that left me coming so hard, a few desperate tears slipped from my eyes.

After completing Maggie's initial tasks she suggested we try dilators. There are four in total, of graduating sizes from slightly wider than a finger to the size of the "average penis", according to Maggie. All I know is that Edward's penis is _nothing _like that. But, of course, nothing about Edward Cullen could ever be average.

Maggie has also taught me about Kegel exercises. I'd always considered them something women did after they gave birth, but Maggie assures me that a lot of women with vaginismus use them in an attempt to gain control over the vaginal muscles. Control seems to be the key word in all of this. Jake had control over me for a long time and now I need to take that control back in every way possible. Maggie has helped me learn to control my negative thoughts about our marriage, my guilt, my anxiety. I'd be lying if I said I truly believe I'll ever be entirely free from the suffocating black smoke that has been debilitating me since I left Forks, but with her help I can at least learn how to deal with it rather than burying it. With every day that passes I'm confident that the girl having a panic attack on the edge of the bed four months ago is nothing but a phantom of my past.

Through the Kegel exercises I am learning to coax my muscles into relaxing, to train them. Whereas before I would always just try and force myself through the pain, squeezing my eyes shut and digging my fingers into Jake's skin, praying it would soon be over, Maggie says I need to make sure there is no pain to begin with, by gradually reconditioning my body.

It turns out reconditioning is pretty enjoyable. Of course, it helps that The Great Sex Ban, as my boyfriend calls it, has been lifted. Leaving us free to do whatever we want, whenever we want, just as long as we complete Maggie's weekly task and don't deviate from her treatment plan.

Edward picks up Dilator 2, the one we successfully used today, and studies it with his intense, somewhat lustful gaze.

"I mean, I know that this is a _medical aid_ given to us by a _therapist _and it's not okay that it makes me horny, but now all I can think about is your face when I put it inside you." He runs the cool plastic over the skin of my stomach and kisses my jaw. "The sounds you made when I moved it in and out of you. How you begged, pleaded, loved having something inside. How you weren't afraid."

I shiver, recalling each moment with every word he says. Definitely no fear, there was a little pain in the form of an initial tightness, but I focused on controlling my muscles, my panic, my thoughts and soon his gentle movements felt good and pleasurable. It actually felt _right_ to be so full.

He tosses the dilator on the bed and gathers me close, I tangle my legs with his, breathe in our mingled scents. Is this the smell of sex I hear so much about?

"Do you think I'm a deviant for enjoying using those on you so much?" His tone is teasing and his grin is infectious.

"Edward, essentially they are just doctor-recommended dildos so I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it."

He laughs and rolls over onto his back, bringing me in to snuggle against his chest. We are silent for a few minutes and I enjoy the lively sounds of Camden market coming through my open bedroom window. I revel in all these new and unfamiliar emotions— triumph, elation, _relief_.

With my previous therapist, Irina, successful homework was rare; with Maggie it's consistent. Of course, the Irina/Maggie variable is second to the main difference; it's Edward who is making this work in every way that Jake didn't.

Jake was sullen while Edward is enthusiastic. Jake was lazy while Edward cannot wait to start each task. Jake was irritable while Edward's patience seems unending. On days like this I wonder if Jake really loved me at all, and it's become abundantly clear that I didn't really love him, not the way I was supposed to at least.

Edward pulls me closer and kisses my head. When he speaks his tone is more serious than before.

"Are you sure you're okay though? You're not sore?"

There is a dull ache between my legs but just like after our first two-finger milestone, it doesn't bother me. I wear that ache like a medal.

I lift my eyes to his and smile. "Nothing I can't handle."

He takes my mouth, sucks my bottom lip between his and slides his hand into my hair until I groan. Soft lips, edged in scruff, warm tongue, needy hands and shivers. Always, _always _shivers.

I can still taste his release on my tongue, feel it on my skin, and yet he is growing hard again already. I reach between us, stroking him lazily, listening to his encouraging murmurs and fast breaths in my ear. Those sounds from him are enough to leave me wet and wanting.

"I can't wait until it's me inside you," he whispers and my heart races, not with fear but with anticipation, wild and hopeful and thrilling. I smile into his neck.

Misunderstanding my silence, he adds: "I didn't mean that in a pressurising way."

"I know," I tell him, dragging my nails gently down his neck, delighting in how he trembles slightly.

"I just wanted you to know. I'm patient for as long as you need me to be, and I'm still so aware of how much I can hurt you, but I can't pretend I'm not a bloke too. A bloke who belongs to you, and I _always_ want to have sex with you." I feel him chuckle a little nervously. "Just wanted you to know that."

"Good to know, thanks." I grin.

Am I tempted to try again now? Of course I am. Do I have a hunch that already the therapy has helped and we'll have more success than before? Absolutely. Am I willing to risk destroying how far I've come by pushing too far, too soon? No. Would Edward even let me? I don't think so.

Because that's another difference. Edward understands me in a way so deep it makes Jake feel little more than a stranger.

* * *

><p>Later that night, Edward's phone beeps for the third time and I watch him read the message, eyes rolling.<p>

"Alice again?" I ask, applying my second coat of mascara.

"Yep, she's reminding me to bring the wine. _Again_. Why would I forget the wine? It's the only dinner party item I have any experience in bringing."

I raise a sceptical eyebrow at him in the mirror. "Do you attend a lot of dinner parties?"

He grins, sheepishly. "Well not _a lot_. Single men don't get invited to many dinners, unless one of your mates' birds is trying to set you up with someone." He scrunches up his face a little, still looking more handsome than anyone deserves. "Oddly enough, not many of them have tried that with me."

I laugh. "Oh gee, I wonder why!"

He comes up behind me, holding my gaze in the mirror with a gentle smile. He sweeps my curled hair over my shoulder and bends his lips to my neck.

"Excuse me, Ms Swan, but is that a slur on my boyfriend abilities?"

I turn my face and kiss him firmly on the mouth. "No," I whisper. "But a little British birdie told me I'm the exception not the rule."

"Less of the little. And, my God, you _are _pretty exceptional."

He holds my face in his hands and kisses me deeply before we're interrupted again by his phone.

"Fuck's sake," he grumbles, reading. "Can we bring pesto, she forgot it. Honestly, I don't understand what's with my sister tonight. She seems completely panicked and it's only you and me going over. She's usually the epitome of organisation, and is constantly giving me shit for being the opposite."

"Maybe she's nervous. This is the first real time you've spent with her and Jasper as a couple, right?"

Edward shrugs, pulling off his t-shirt and putting on a dark blue button-down. I try not to stare.

I don't know about Alice but I'm pretty nervous and I'm not really even sure why. I've met Alice several times of course and we spent time together in Southend. I guess this scenario will be a little more formal though, the four of us eating a meal, getting to know each other properly. Edward's sister is so important to him, I want us to become real friends.

Sibling relationships have always been kind of fascinating to me. Charlie was a great dad but growing up just the two of us was a little lonely sometimes and after the accident, Jake's family was pretty lonely too. The closest I've come to a sibling relationship is Emmett I suppose. Alice seems so sweet and I want her to like me, I want her to think me worthy of her big brother. I want to get to know Jasper better too, ideally without recalling the post-orgasm encounter in Edward's apartment every time I look at him.

"Maybe it's because she's cooking at J's," Edward is saying. "I guess it's her first girlfriend-y thing."

"Yeah it's got to be a little strange, when you've only known Jasper with Maria for so long."

"Yeah I guess," he shrugs, standing in front of the mirror and trying to tame his crazy hair. "Although I'm not complaining one bit. Maria basically hates me so I wasn't exactly on their dinner party hot list."

"Come here." I stand in front of him and reach for his hair. He bends down to accommodate me and hums a little when I push my fingers through the thick, copper waves.

"Better?" he asks when I'm finished.

I grin. "Nope. Really, I just wanted to touch it."

He chuckles and pulls me close, sliding both hands around my ass and pulling me against him.

"You really don't need an excuse to touch me, Sweetheart." His eyes glint wickedly. "Whenever and _wherever _you like..."

His phone beeps and he lets out an adorable frustrated growl.

"Fine! Right, come on let's go before my ridiculous sister infuriates me further."

Jasper's new apartment in Islington is absolutely stunning; all white pillars, wrought iron fences and sash windows. As we approach the front door we hear raised voices. Alarmed, Edward rushes ahead and pushes the door open when he finds it already unlocked.

Jasper, Alice and a tall, beautiful woman with Mediterranean features and a sneer-adorned face are all gathered in the hall, yelling. At least the women are yelling, while Jasper stands protectively in front of Alice, seemingly trying to defuse the situation.

"Ali..." Edward stops beside his sister and places a hand on her shoulder. She shrugs him off, not taking her eyes from the other woman, apparently seething.

The tall woman looks up and notices us.

She is stunning but her face is twisted in a bitter smile. I get the impression just from looking at her that this isn't a rare expression.

"Well, I should have guessed you'd be showing up, Cullen." Her accent is more refined than even Aro's, but her tone is sharp and unpleasant.

"I guess you got exactly what you wanted, didn't you?" she continues, looking at Edward the way you would a cockroach under your shoe. Already, I'm bristling.

"Maria, you need to _calm down_," Edward says in a strained but measured voice.

"Calm down? Why the _fuck _should I calm down? _How _can I calm down when my husband is fucking someone else!"

Oh.

"It's a bit more than fucking actually," Alice spits, and for someone so tiny she's quite formidable.

"Alice-" Jasper starts but nobody is listening.

"Oh is that so?" Maria snarls.

"Yes. He loves me and I love him. More than you ever have." Alice's eyes glisten with angry tears.

"You little bitch-" When Maria moves towards her, Jasper steps up and holds her back, while Edward wraps an arm around his sister, pulling her towards him.

"Oh that's right, Ed. You'd better protect that little home-wrecking whore of a sister of yours!"

"Oi!" Edward yells. "Watch your mouth, Maria."

"Why should I? Isn't this all your doing anyway? You've always been a bad influence on Jasper."

"A bad influence? Fuck's sake, he's not a child!"

"Oh please," Maria scoffs. "You've always been a bloody mess, the entire time I've known you. Drinking, fucking anything that moved. It always pissed you off that you couldn't enlist my husband in your dirty little nights out, you've been trying to split us up for _years_."

Once again Jasper starts to speak but is interrupted.

"Bollocks!" Now Edward is furious too. "I just wanted him to be _happy_. And it was pretty obvious he wasn't with you!"

"So what the fuck? You set him up with your _sister_?" Maria practically screams, looking more than a little unhinged.

"I didn't set anything up!"

"Well that little slag wormed her way into Jasper's bed from somewhere!"

Alice lets out a feral noise and struggles to get out of Edward's grip to get at her.

"He was miserable!" Alice cries.

"He was fine! And you ruined it." Maria pauses to look around at us, the smell of cooking hovers in the air.

"And now you're all shacked up. Taking the place of his wife and double dating with Cullen and-" she turns her vicious gaze to me, "whoever his latest, pathetic flavour of the month is-"

Edward vibrates with rage beside me but the moment before he explodes Jasper suddenly roars:

"_Enough_!"

Everyone is stunned into silence. He turns to Alice, a hand half reached out to touch her before he apparently thinks better of it.

"Let me handle this. Please," he says it softly and the fight seems to go out of Alice instantly.

He turns to Maria, eyes steely.

"You need to leave. Right now."

She shakes her head, jaw clenched. "I'm not going anywhere. We need to talk."

"We have talked," Jasper murmurs, resigned. "I've said everything I need to say a hundred times."

I watch as Maria's hard face crumbles instantly.

"No," she whispers. "It's not over. You...you love me, right? I'm your wife."

Jasper takes a step closer, holds her gaze with his unwavering one.

"I left, Maria. I haven't changed my mind, I want a divorce."

Maria shakes her head over and over, tears beginning to track down her cheeks.

"No...you can't. You can't leave me. I can't be on my own. _You _can't be on your own."

"I can," Jasper says. "I _am_."

Her hands reach out desperately, grabbing onto his face but Jasper flinches and pulls away.

"I need you, darling. _Please_. I can be better. This can't be over," she pauses, chokes on a sob. "I can't go on without you."

My blood runs a little cold. Is she saying what I think she's saying?

But Jasper doesn't waver, he holds his ground.

"No, Maria. It's over. You will not control me that way anymore."

"Control you? What do you mean? All I've ever done is love you and-"

"All you've ever done is _own _me!" Jasper raises his voice and Maria flinches back but now I suspect her reactions are less genuine than I first thought. Behind her tears I can still see the hint of a vicious snarl.

"I won't be emotionally blackmailed any more, Maria. I won't. I deserve more than your neuroses controlling my life. I deserve more than feeling guilty _every fucking day_ for the stuff you invent in your head. I won't go back."

"You need me," she whispers.

"I don't. I'm sorry."

Maria sniffs, her tears instantly replaced with anger again.

"And what about _her_?" She shoots a daggered look at Alice and Alice stares back, I watch her tiny fist tighten around Edward's shirt.

"She's real," Jasper says, simply. "She's honest, and decent."

"You love her?" Maria spits.

Jasper nods, solemnly. "Yes."

"Please," Maria begs. "Please I'll...I'll be better, I-"

When Maria dissolves into sobs again, Edward decides it's a good idea for us to make our exit. He gently pulls Alice away and we walk into the lounge, leaving Jasper and Maria alone in the hallway.

Silently, Alice sits down on the couch, looking a little shell-shocked and Edward sits down beside her, nudging her with his shoulder and offering a small smile.

"Are you okay?"

She shakes her head, staring at the hard wood floor, letting a few tears silently fall.

"I really wanted to hit her, Ed."

"I know."

She looks up at him. "Thanks for not letting me."

"Any time," Edward murmurs with a smile.

We fall silent and can still hear Jasper and Maria's murmured voices on the other side of the door. Edward playfully pokes Alice in the ribs and says. "Hey, do you remember that time I snapped your Boyzone CD in half?"

Alice chuckles through her tears. Edward looks up at me, grinning.

"I destroyed it because...well, they're shit, and this little madam was so pissed off she clocked me right in the mouth! My lip swelled right up and I had to tell my mates I got mugged down the shopping centre."

Alice laughs harder, brushing away her tears. "You totally deserved it."

"Oh I've no doubt. I just wonder what you would have done if it had been Take That, put me in Casualty?"

Alice shrugs, giggling. "Maybe."

I watch Edward wrap his arm around his sister and kiss the top of her head.

"All right?" he says softly and Alice nods, pulling away and taking a steadying breath.

She looks towards the door, worried. "What do think they're talking about?"

"I think he's saying 'goodbye'," Edward says, simply.

Alice groans, putting her head in her hands. "Jesus, what was I thinking anyway? You were right, bro, I should never have put myself in the middle of this."

"Hey. No. I wasn't right." Edward gestures towards the door. "He is _crazy_ about you. Seriously. This is just a...bump."

"Edward's right," I tell her, feeling the need to reassure her. "He said it right then in front of her. He loves you, Alice."

She offers me a small, sad smile. "Thanks."

Suddenly the front door slams and there is silence. We watch expectantly for Jasper to walk in but he doesn't. I briefly wonder if he left too but I instinctively feel he's still here, on the other side of that door, gathering himself.

We all jump when the shrill of the smoke alarm blares out.

"Oh fuck!" Alice leaps up and runs presumably to the kitchen.

Edward and I stand and he gives me a hug. "I'm sorry about all this."

I wave him off. "Forget it. I just hope they're okay."

Edward nods. "Listen, I'm gonna go out there and check on him. Could you go...help her?"

"Of course."

"And Bella, about what Maria said about me...and you. I'm sorry, that was..._wrong_ and-"

I place a hand on his jaw, lift up on tiptoes to kiss him. "I _know_. Do you think I don't know that by now?"

He smiles, kisses my mouth, my cheek, my ear. With a murmured, "love you" he slips into the hall.

In the kitchen, Alice is staring at a smoking dish of what I think were once stuffed chicken breasts. There is also a pan of pasta, water boiled away and congealed into one giant lump.

"I don't think we'll be eating this," she whispers, her eyes filling with tears again. She looks so vulnerable. It's strange to see this bubbly, confident girl with her perfect make-up streaked and her funky outfit dishevelled. I guess when it comes to love we can all be left a little exposed.

I wrap my arm around her shoulders. "It's no big deal, and we forgot the pesto anyway." I grin and she smiles back.

"Thanks. I'm sorry you've been dragged into this." She slowly scrapes the ruined food into the bin. "I don't know if this was a good idea. Divorces are so messy...maybe I should never have involved myself in this. Baggage, you know?"

She catches sight of my face and slaps her hand over her mouth. "Oh shit! I'm sorry; I didn't mean that with you - oh crap, I mean that's totally different and-"

"It's not that different. Don't worry about it." I smile, shrug, "I'm still not divorced."

"You're not?" she frowns. "I thought Ed told me everything was going through."

My heart feels suddenly heavier. "I want it to but Jake still hasn't signed the papers. My lawyer can't even reach him at the moment."

"Blimey."

"Yep." I meet her eyes. "But you should know that doesn't affect Edward and I. He's...well, he's everything. So much more than I had with Jake."

She smiles. "I know, Bella. You're perfect together. My brother hasn't been this happy in years, maybe ever. With that fucking Tanya, even before we found out she was a cheating, lying bitch, things never felt...right." She pauses like she doesn't know whether to carry on.

"I never saw them lasting," she eventually says carefully.

"How could you tell?"

"I just could," she answers, somewhat cryptically. She smiles brightly at me, grips the tops of my arms. "But you're different. You're endgame, I can-" Pause. "I can _feel _it, that's all."

"I hope so. I love him so much."

She grins, hugs me tightly. "Yeah he's kinda lovable, ain't he? The soft sod."

A throat is cleared from the doorway and we look up to see Jasper standing there. Alice instantly stiffens a little, nervous I think. He offers me a grateful smile as I leave the room but I can't help glancing back to see him cup Alice's face in his hands tenderly. He whispers in her ear and I can't hear anything except, "She doesn't control me anymore."

I sit next to Edward on the sofa and think about that word again, control. There's the kind of control that's benign, unintentional. Like how Edward's mood influences mine, how his happiness is directly linked to my own. How being in love, giving yourself over to someone so completely, means giving away power too and control over your emotions. But if that person is worthy, if that person loves you back and gives you everything in return there can be so much strength to be found in that relinquishing of control. You can be stronger together.

But if the person who controls you is toxic, damaged or broken, then they can abuse that power. They can control you in a negative way, emotionally blackmail you and own you and poison you with guilt and shame, like Maria did to Jasper.

Like Jake did to me.

Jasper has broken free, decided that enough is enough. He's taken back the control. I did the same except it doesn't feel entirely over, I don't feel entirely free. I hope that one day soon I will, when Jake accepts it too.

Jasper and Alice come back into the room, smiling. Alice is tucked into his side.

Jasper raises his eyebrows, offers a sheepish smile and produces two takeout menus.

"So," he says. "Chinese or Indian?"

* * *

><p>"Wow, so England does get sunny days like this." I turn my face towards the sun where even this late in the afternoon it's still pleasantly warm. My body is stretched out along the blanket next to Edward's, our heads almost touching.<p>

"Yep," he says. "But make the most of it. We get a collective average of two weeks of sun a year."

I push my sunglasses up and turn my head to squint at his sarcastic grin. I wonder if I'll ever stop noticing how stunning he is, certainly not when he looks as amazing as he does today; baggy cargo shorts, white polo shirt, 'weekend hair' and Ray Bans. I lean a little nearer and graze my lips softly over his scruff. _Delicious_.

"So what did you used to do on hot and sunny Sundays when you weren't hosting romantic picnics in Hyde Park?"

He turns on his side and mirrors my stance, faces close, heads propped up on our hands.

He pushes a piece of hair from my forehead, shrugs. "I was usually hung over. Or waking up on a friend's sofa. Or...wherever." Grimace. "Or working."

"Should _we _be working?"

"Why would I work when I have you here?" He runs his hand teasingly over my hip, moving his lips to mine. His tongue gently explores and my heart flutters.

"What about you?" he asks, pulling away.

"It's never sunny in Forks." I tell him simply, and I don't just mean the weather.

"What about in Seattle?" I can see the hint of a frown behind his glasses; it's the same slightly unsettled look I've noticed a few times today. I thought he was still worrying about his sister after last night's showdown but now I'm worried that it's something else.

"Did you have a lot of fun there?" He seems agitated by his own question.

"Sure, Seattle is awesome," I answer, carefully. "Emmett is there so he makes it cool."

Edward lays his head back, stares at the sky. "So...you miss it?"

My heart races a little faster, realisation dawning. Are we finally going to have _this _conversation?

"Sometimes," I tell him honestly. _But not as much as I miss you every moment we're not together._

He nods, silent. The relaxed atmosphere between us becomes a little more tense.

The truth is my original six-month secondment contract with Volturi UK expires in a month. The last five months have flown by so quickly I've hardly even had time to consider what I would do when my time was up. I came here almost on a whim, I needed to escape and this was the quickest solution. What I didn't expect was to fall in love, with Edward, with England. I didn't expect to want to live here permanently; to be honest I didn't really have a plan at all.

But now I need one. Because the man I love lives here and leaving him is _not_ an option.

We've been hovering around the subject for weeks, a hint here, a comment there. I know he wants me to stay; I want to stay too. But it's only the last few weeks that I've even allowed myself the luxury of thinking about the future.

The day I told him I loved him I knew I wanted him for good. But back then I still didn't dare hope that would be possible. If it weren't for my condition I would have gone to Aro to renew my contract weeks ago, but the bottom line is that we haven't had full intercourse. I'd be lying if I said I was left dissatisfied by what we currently do in bed, the pleasure of being with Edward in that way is greater than anything I've ever known. But I know that there's more, I know we are both missing out. Can I afford to want forever with a man I haven't slept with? More importantly, can _he_?

The last few weeks we've made real progress. These dilators encourage me to feel that it's a matter of _when_ rather than if. Is it time to lay our cards on the table?

I feel Edward's eyes on me and turn to meet them and I'm shocked to see them filled with sadness and anxiety. My chest is suddenly aching.

"Hey..." I reach my hand out and touch his face. I watch him swallow.

"Do you want to go back?" he whispers.

_Fuck_. Have I really been so vague that it's possible he can believe that?

I rush forward, wrap my arm around his waist and snuggle closer.

"No," I tell him but he doesn't seem to hear me.

"This is for good, Bella. I've never...I can't just let you go. We'll be together, yeah? Wherever that is."

I hold him closer, nuzzle his neck.

"Yes, Edward. _Yes_. I'm sorry."

I hear him take a shaky breath, tighten his arms around me.

"Good," he mumbles, voice breaking slightly. "That's good."

We hold each other in silence for a moment and I listen to his breathing get steadier. He eventually loosens his grip enough that I can pull back and look at him.

"I'm sorry," I say again.

"What for?"

"Letting you think that I'd ever want to go back."

Edward frowns. "I just...I didn't know. You said you love me but...this isn't home to you. I know that." He holds my face in his hands. "If you wanted to go back, I'd come with you, to the States I mean. I know the visa situation is complex but we'd figure it out and-"

I cut off his adorable rambling with a firm kiss.

"Baby, listen. I'm not going anywhere and neither are you. I love it here, okay?"

"Really?" he squints, disbelieving. "_Why_?"

I laugh, relieved at least that we have made a decision of sorts. "Do you not like it?"

"I'm English, I have to like it. It's home. But sometimes I struggle to see its appeal to foreigners, yeah." He smirks. "Aside from the obvious healthcare benefits."

I shrug. "I love everything about it. The history, London, the seaside, the people."

"The weather?" He grins.

"Okay, maybe not the weather," I chuckle. "Although today's a pretty good day."

His face grows more serious, just a soft smile remaining on his lips. He gathers me close, his lips brushing mine when he speaks.

"Today _is_ pretty wonderful."

"So...we're doing this?"

"We're doing this."

"I'm moving here?"

"Bella, you already _live_ here. But as I said, I'll go wherever you want to go."

"No I don't mean that, I just mean..."

_What if I'm still broken?_

I shiver, suddenly a little cold. He reaches for one of the blankets and covers us.

He holds my gaze steadily. "What is it?"

I take a deep breath. "We aren't having proper sex. Nothing has changed."

"You what? Of course it has."

"No, no I mean, I'm not...fixed."

"You're getting there," he tells me, stroking his fingers down my neck and giving me goosebumps. "God, Bella, you're doing _amazingly_ well."

I nod. I'm relieved and pleased with our progress, but I just can't get rid of those last nagging fears.

"I know, you're right. But I'm still worried that it won't be enough."

"I'm not," he says, simply. "I know we'll get there." The look in his eyes tells me he's not just saying that for my benefit either, he really believes it won't be a problem.

"How do you _know_?"

"Because we both want it so much." He slides his fingers down my neck, tracing my collarbone, before placing his hand over where my heart is. The simple touch makes me shiver and my whole body longs for him. The heat of his hand melts through my shirt to my skin and spreads through me.

"You feel that?" he whispers. "You understand what's between us?"

I take a shaky breath. "Yes."

He smiles, gently. "That, right there, is more powerful than fear or worry. It's _so_ powerful, baby. I've never known anything like it, not with Tanya or any other woman, a connection like that."

He leans closer, places his open lips on my throat and gently sucks. He slides his hand into my hair. I close my eyes, trembling slightly.

He whispers into my skin, "Eventually, it will take over everything else. You'll see."

I grab his hair and drag his mouth to mine, needing his taste, his tongue, his hands all over me. Needing his reassurance like air.

I hear his sharp, surprised intake of breath and then he is kissing me back, gripping one hand in my hair and the other pressed against my lower back pulling me closer. I tangle my legs with his, push my hips against his until I hear him groan.

"God, Bella. Stop. You have to...shit, there's people everywhere." His eyes are dark, his breathing heavy and his hair wild from my hands.

I glance around. We were already in a secluded corner, and the few people that were nearby have packed up and left while we were talking. All that remains is a group of teenagers lounging on the grass about 100 feet away and an older couple sitting on a bench in the distance.

"Actually," my mouth finds the delicious, salty skin of his throat, "there's not."

He pauses, surveying the park.

"Fuck it," he mutters, pulling me as close as he can, wrapping the blanket around us both protectively. Our mouths are desperate and needy, but I can feel relief too. His relief that I'm staying, my relief that he wants me to. Our hips move against each other in a rhythm we don't control.

"So hard for me," I whisper and he groans.

"Always."

I pull my mouth back and try to control my breathing. I reach between us and run my fingers over the perfect outline of him, straining against the soft cargo material. He mutters a curse and pushes into my touch, but at the same time says my name in warning.

"Shhh, it's okay," I whisper. "Lie back."

I watch his eyes dart around anxiously but he does as I ask.

I snuggle close and lay my head on his chest. I make sure the blanket is covering us properly before I slide my hand back down to his fly, stroking over him slowly.

"See? We're just cuddling in the park."

His chuckle is low and throaty. "You're going to get us arrested, Ms Swan."

"Shhh...just relax."

He closes his eyes and inhales shakily. I unbutton his fly, slide down the zipper and watch every emotion and need flutter over his face.

"Let me take care of you for a change," I murmur in his ear. "I'm going to always take care of you, Edward."

I slide my hand inside his boxers, encircling his cock.

"I'm not...going...anywhere."

I stroke and he gasps.

I don't tease, vaguely aware that we may not have much time before someone comes nearer. I build up a steady rhythm, watching him breathe and listening to his murmured, almost incoherent words.

"Bella," he eventually groans urgently and I know he's going to come soon. His eyes flash to mine a little desperate, a little anxious.

"It's okay," I lift his shirt higher and enjoy the sound he makes when my fingers brush against his stomach.

"I...I'm gonna..._Bella_."

"Let go. It's okay. Let go for me."

He twitches in my hand and moans my name quietly into my hair. I tremble; wanting him, needing him, loving him. _Always_.

"Thank you," he whispers, while I efficiently clean up with spare napkins.

"Any time." I grin.

Later, when Edward has made me come so hard he had to cover my mouth to stifle my cries, when we've finished off the bread and hummus and delicious champagne, when we've laughed so hard my chest aches, when we've dozed under that blanket and then woken when the sun is low in the sky and there's a chill in the air, I wonder if I'll ever be as happy as this ever again. If this moment is the one I'll keep with me forever, the one that I'll live on repeat in heaven. And then I realise something; every moment with Edward feels like this. So yes I will be this happy again, every day I'm with him.

Then, on the way home, his phone rings.

"Hello?...Ali?" He frowns, the relaxation of the last few hours instantly replaced with worry.

He stops walking and I watch.

"Ali, I can't understand you. You need to calm down."

Damn. More trouble from Maria?

"_Alice_," he says more firmly. "Take a deep breath, babe. What is it?"

I watch the emotions drift over his face; disbelief, resignation, anger.

"Okay. Yeah. We'll meet you at Fenchurch Street." More quietly. "Bye, sis."

My chest feels tight. He hangs up, I touch his arm.

"What's happened?"

He turns to me slowly, his gorgeous features marred by an angry scowl. "My dad...he's left. They've...they're splitting up I think."

Fuck.

"He _left_ her?"

He shakes his head slowly.

"No." He pauses, apparently disbelieving. "She kicked him out."

**A/N**

**Go, Esme!**

**In my opinion there is absolutely nothing more romantic than a picnic (and, um, that last lemon might have been slightly autobiographical...). Also, fellow Brits, I keep hoping if I continue to _write_ about the sun we might actually _get_ some! Grrr...**

**Casualty = ER**

**I mainly share Britward's opinion re Boyzone, except one song called _Better_ which is so lovely I included it in my wedding. It also captures B&E's progressing relationship quite well I think. **

**Thank you for your support, I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this one. And remember, if you want me to know who you are or be able to reply please remember to login before you review, thank you! x**

**Amber xxx **


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N**

**This chapter has been, to express **politely**, a bit of a naughty bugger. And then my computer decided to misbehave too, hence the late posting. Sorry, lovelies. The good news is I only have to show you guys the shiny, finished version ;-)  
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**A thousand thank yous to the incredible Trip who put _so much_ time and effort into this chapter. Thank you to my fabulous Yankee cheerleaders - Heather and Lady V. And thank you to Discordia81 for helping me fix what turned out to be an embarrassingly simple IT problem! Discordia81 just began posting a new story and the premise and prologue are brilliant - Lose The One You Love. Check it out. **

**The "West End" in the context of this chapter means Theatreland, London's equivalent of New York's Broadway. **

**EPOV**

"Ed, stop it."

Nobody scowls quite like my sister. Negative emotions always look alien on her usually sunny face, giving glares and scowls superpowers.

I scowl back, continuing to wring my hands and tap my foot in agitation. Suddenly her bony little fist makes contact with my thigh.

"Ow! What the _fuck_, Ali?"

Alien glare. "I said, _stop it. _You're driving me mental."

"Well, forgive me for being a little agitated," I growl.

"Don't you think I'm angry and anxious too? But you need to calm down." She lowers her voice. "You're freaking out the other passengers."

I take a cursory glance around the train carriage where the odd glance is indeed being thrown in our direction; some curious, some nervous, some irritated. I feel a little unhinged. I turn away and try to take a deep breath.

More contact with my thigh, this time in the form of a gentle squeeze from Bella's hand. Then she slides her fingers into my hair and it calms me a little. I close my eyes and lean into her touch.

"Everything's going to be fine," she says softly. I'm not entirely sure I believe those words, but her touch is reassuring.

I wrap my arm tightly around her shoulders, pulling her closer.

"Thank you for coming," I whisper into her hair.

"Of course."

I glance up at Alice who is eyeing us curiously, her mouth twisted somewhere between a grimace and a smile. I suppose I look the same way when I see her and Jasper getting all smoochy. You always want your siblings to be happy but it doesn't mean you enjoy seeing them with their hands all over somebody.

Not that I give a fuck right now, I'm just so glad Bella's here. I don't think anyone has ever been able to calm me or comfort me the way she does, and I'm fairly certain I have the same effect on her. Thanks to our earlier conversation, I feel like I can relax a little now regarding our future. For the last couple of weeks, the idea that she might not want to stay in England with me has been niggling like a splinter in my mind. At the beginning of our relationship, I was so afraid she would bolt, that she would leave to protect herself after deciding there was no way I could accept her situation. I had also worried that maybe she would realise she didn't want me after all; my past, my lifestyle, my crazy mood swings.

But she is staying, with me, and in England at least for the foreseeable future. Now there are only technicalities to sort out. I can't see any reason why Aro wouldn't extend her contract, especially after his apparent acceptance of our relationship, but I won't be able to fully relax until he's agreed and the ink is dry. Failing that, she can find another company to sponsor her work permit. The bottom line is she _wants _to stay, so the rest is just paperwork.

Of course, if for some reason she can't stay at Volturi or find work elsewhere, there is another way she could improve her chances of staying in the UK...

I have to halt that thought though, which lately, is surfacing more and more frequently. Much as the idea is surprisingly appealing to me - especially considering I never thought I could ever want that again after what happened with Tanya - it has only been a few months. Not to mention the small fact that Bella still _isn't even divorced._

I grit my teeth and force dark images of Bella's ex to the back of my mind. My limbs are already buzzing with rage aimed at my father, throw that fuck Jacob into the mix and I'm worried I'll explode like an atom bomb.

"I'm still not sure your mom will want me there," Bella murmurs.

Alice gives me a pointed look. I think she's pissed off that I'm bringing an outsider into our family's personal business. Again, I can't bring myself to care. I have no idea if my sister realises this but Bella and I are the real thing, for good. She is my family, or at least one day she will be.

"Don't be silly, Sweetheart. She won't mind at all."

I'm not lying, I know how Mum feels about Bella; she calls me weekly to ask about her, to invite us to dinner. Plus, she needs all the support she can get right now and I know Bella will be able to help comfort her.

The thought of my mother, of her voice when I called her after I spoke to Alice - broken, resigned, terribly sad - makes my chest ache, and when I think about the person who caused it my knees start bouncing again in agitation.

"I still can't believe he fucking did this."

"We don't know if he _did _anything," Alice says quietly.

My head snaps up. "Are you seriously defending him?"

Alice rolls her eyes. "No. I don't know! All I'm saying is we don't know that he did anything wrong, or what happened at all really. It seems like it was a pack-bags-ask-questions later type thing."

"Well, can you blame her?"

Alice shushes me, looking around the train anxiously.

I can't bring myself to care about social niceties like keeping my voice down on a train and not airing our dirty laundry in public. All I care about is the bare fact that Mum has kicked Dad out of their marital home, apparently for good, because of something he _did_. Or...didn't do. Fuck, I don't know, we just have to speak to her. The rational part of my mind knows Alice is right, Mum didn't seem able to disclose much on the phone so we don't actually know whose fault this whole thing is. But I do know my father - he can be cold, distant and selfish and I can find no doubt in my mind that he must be the cause of this.

The hour journey that usually flies by seems to take forever but eventually we're piling out of a cab outside of my childhood home. It's full dark now, the street lamps casting a slightly eerie glow on the old house catch the flaky paint and broken guttering, the crumbling stone wall and battered front door and, as usual, I'm filled with guilt. I should be here, I should be fixing things if he can't be bothered. I can't help remembering how this house used to look, modest of course but bright and well-kept. The years show on the building, just as they show on the faces of my parents. Has their marriage gone the same way as their house, left to become shabby and desolate through lack of attention? This house could easily be brought back to brightness but can my mum and dad?

My throat feels tight as the roller coaster of the day's emotions catch up to me in one long breath - anxiety over Bella leaving, relief, happiness, excitement, shock, anger and back to anxiety. Thinking the last thing Alice or Mum need is for me to fall apart like a selfish child, I grit my teeth and drag in a gulp of air.

I unlock the door with the familiar key and we shuffle awkwardly into the tiny hallway.

"Mum?" I call out, not wishing to startle her.

She doesn't respond and when we eventually find her in the living room she's sitting on the edge of the couch, staring blankly at the unused fireplace while the telly plays quietly to itself.

"Mum," I say again, softly.

She looks up slowly, and seems surprised to see us there.

"Oh hello loves." She pauses, looking confused. "I didn't hear you come in."

She stares for another second before shaking herself a little and standing up, smiling a false smile.

"Come in from that hallway. Let's get you a drink. Tea? What about some dinner? Have you eaten anything?" She's rambling a little, seemingly slipping into the comfortable role of hostess but her eyes are haunted and tired. She looks at Bella for the first time.

"Bella, so good to see you. Are you well?"

"_Mum_," I say imploringly, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Relax, okay? We're here to take care of you."

She looks up at me and her eyes well up with tears. I pull her in towards me and hug her tight. She has always been slender and petite but she seems even slimmer than usual.

We drink tea and Alice asks Mum when she last ate something. She can't remember so Alice and Bella knock up some dinner from the mishmash of food they find in the kitchen.

We watch encouragingly while Mum slowly makes her way through a bowl of pasta before giving up halfway through and saying she's had enough. Half is better than nothing I guess.

Dishes cleared and TV long ago turned off we sit and wait for her to talk. She gets that far away look on her face again before Alice grabs her hand and squeezes.

"Tell us, Mum. What happened?"

"Have you spoken to Dad?" Mum asks a little suddenly. I shake my head, no way could I trust myself to even try to call him until I knew what had happened.

"I tried his mobile a couple of times," Alice says. "But it just went to voicemail."

"Do you know where he is?" I ask, desperate not to care but unable to fight the sudden anxiety to at least know that the selfish old git is all right.

Mum nods. "He's at Peter and Charlotte's. He's texted me a few times but...I haven't replied."

My dad's brother and his wife live in Brighton. As his only real relatives outside of us it makes sense that he would go there. It crosses my mind that he didn't bother to come to mine or Alice's in London. It's no surprise that he wouldn't seek solace with me but I'm surprised he didn't go to my sister. That pretty much confirms that whatever's happened, he's ashamed of himself.

"_What happened_?" Alice asks again, a little more frustrated.

I watch my mother take a deep breath. "So much, love. And nothing at all."

Her answer is irritatingly cryptic and the three of us sit and wait as patiently as we can.

"He's hardly been here," she finally says, sadly.

"The last few weeks?" I ask.

She looks at me. "The last few _years_, Eddie."

I know only too well what she means. Even when we were children he was always consumed with his music, his own self-importance. It could be days between decent conversations, but for important family stuff he would usually make a point of being there, at least physically even if his mind was still in a concert hall somewhere. Holidays, Christmas, family gatherings and school open evenings he'd make an appearance. But without Alice and I to give him reason to spend time as a father, a husband, not as a failed musician, then I guess he even let that go too.

"I've tried," Mum says. "I really have. I start conversations, I suggest trips we can take, hobbies we can enjoy together but he gives nothing back. He says yes to appease me but nothing ever comes to fruition."

She begins to cry and Alice wraps her arm around her.

"When he comes home from work he has dinner and then nine times out of ten he disappears into that blasted music room. I watch telly alone, or do a crossword, and then climb into bed without him."

She chokes on a sob. "I love him, I do. Or I _did_. But this isn't a marriage. You shouldn't feel_ lonely _in a marriage."

She gives over to tears for a minute while Alice holds her close. Unable to hold back any longer I crouch down in front of them both and wrap my arms around them too.

Eventually Mum gets herself together enough to speak.

"I started my own hobbies as you know. I go to bingo on a Wednesday, down the Labour Club on a Friday night. On the odd occasion I could get your father to come he would be so sullen I knew he didn't want to be there."

I sit back on the floor and watch my mother, usually so strong and cheerful, miserable and alone. Alongside the sadness I feel for her, fire smoulders in my belly at the thought that he did this, he has made her feel this way. I have always questioned his abilities as a father, but it seems he's nothing but a shitty husband too.

Bella leans down from her chair behind me and wraps her arms tightly around my shoulders, placing a soft kiss on my temple. For once her touch has the opposite effect to the usual jump-start to my heart, it steadies it instead.

I watch closely as Mum swallows hard, dropping her gaze to her hands which tear up tissue in her lap.

"And then there was that girl."

The room feels instantly colder and my body goes rigid, and even Bella's touch will not soothe my racing, raging heart.

"_What girl?_" I growl.

"A young girl started coming for piano lessons. I guess she is early twenties, a uni student maybe. I thought nothing of it, you know how many of Dad's pupils come through that front door. Anyway, it seemed she was here all the time. I could hear them through the wall, every day less and less piano and more and more talking. _And laughing_."

She looks up and her expression has changed from desolation to fury.

"The bloody laughing and giggling, _constantly_. Dad was laughing, too." Her breath catches harshly. "I can't remember the last time I made your father laugh."

Alice looks like she wants to be sick. Bella's hands are tense on my shoulders.

"What happened?" I grit out in a voice I barely recognise.

Mum takes a deep shaky breath.

"The truth is I don't know. But..."

"But what, Mum?" Alice whispers.

"One night I came home and he was with her in the music room - that bastard music room that I want to _burn_- and when I peeked through the gap in the door they were close. Sharing the piano stool, only not in the same reserved way he usually does when he's teaching certain things, but close, bodies touching, heads close together - whispering and...laughing."

"Did you confront them?" Bella asks, making me jump.

Mum shakes her head. "No, I'm too much of a coward I suppose. I just snuck upstairs and got out his suitcase, filled it and waited for his little friend to leave. I'm not sure he even knew I was home, or cared even, but he was certainly surprised to see his bag packed in the hall."

I've heard enough. I drag myself off the floor and out of the room. I push the back door open so hard it slams against the wall, and pace back and forth between the worn garden furniture, literally vibrating as I wait for the anger to subside. But it doesn't, it burns on and on, like fire under my skin and behind my eyes.

I drag in deep breaths of sea air but it doesn't help. The smell of the sea is the smell of home and right now home is him. I pace and grip my hair, pulling hard until I can focus on the pain and not on the toxic emotions rushing through me.

_How could he do this? _I knew he was distant and distracted and selfish, I knew he resented me, but her? I never considered, that he could ever not love her.

Suddenly exhausted, I collapse down on the rusty garden swing. The strong breeze whips around me and I drag in deep breaths.

"Hey." Her gentle accent carries on the breeze and somehow wraps around my chest.

"Hi."

She sits beside me silently, gently unclamping my gripped fingers and taking my left hand in her lap, surrounding it with both of hers.

"Is she okay?"

Bella nods. "I think so. She's going to bed, Alice is upstairs with her."

I shake my head. "I shouldn't have stormed out like that."

I feel her shoulders shrug. "You're angry."

I can only nod.

"How could he do this to her?" I whisper. "How could he hurt her like this?"

Bella doesn't speak, just lets go of my hand with one of hers and traces it through my somewhat sweaty hair softly, comfortingly.

I take a shaky breath. "Christ, I'm 29 years old. I shouldn't be freaking out this much about my parents splitting up!"

"That's bollocks." Bella says, to make me smile. It works. I turn my head towards her and she strokes her fingertips over my jaw.

"You don't have to be a child to be hurt by this, Edward."

We slip back into silence, almost unconsciously using our legs to swing the seat gently back and forth.

"What was your dad like?"

I've never asked Bella directly about her father before, afraid it would be too painful, but sometimes she brings him up in conversation and I think maybe she wants to talk about him.

I watch her face in the half-light as she gazes off into the garden, but I don't think that's what she's seeing.

"A little strict when I was small," she starts. "God-fearing. Serious, quiet, matter-of-fact. Without a mom I felt like I couldn't talk to him about some things which sucked but I..."

Pause.

"What?"

"I knew he loved me."

I'm struck by sudden envy. I've never been entirely sure if my father really loved me, or if I was just his project, his prodigy.

"When I grew up we got closer. He and I were similar in a lot of ways - private, a little shy. I think he just wanted me to be happy, only his vision of what might lead to that wasn't always quite the same as mine."

"Jake." I murmur, his name always tastes bitter on my tongue.

She nods. "Yeah. All he wanted was for me to be a good wife, a good Christian wife. And to have children; he often talked about being a Grandpa."

I watch her jaw tighten and her eyes glaze. This is another subject we have never discussed. Between Bella's condition and my past, the subject of children feels too painful to even broach right now. Since that day with Tanya at the clinic I barely let my mind even toy with the idea.

I watch her shake herself. "But everything changed when I left Jake. My father had loved him like his own since he was a kid, but when I finally told him what had been going on; the things he'd said and done, how unhappy I'd been, Charlie's loyalty was unfaltering. I'd been worried he wouldn't believe me but I shouldn't have, he was loyal to the core and never doubted a single word. I trusted him in a way I'd never trusted anyone else," she glances at me with a small smile. "Until recently."

"Anyway, I'm glad we had that time, albeit too short, just me, him and the truth."

"He loved you," I say simply.

"Yes."

Bella's father wanted her to be happy, just as my father claims the same, except mine only thought I could be happy the way he wanted and didn't care at all what I wanted out of life. That's the difference and that difference hurts.

I'm assaulted at once with every moment where Dad's form of "encouragement" felt like criticism, his praise like a bribe. Days when I would bring home a picture I'd drawn, or a good school report or a football trophy, and all I wanted was to please him. And he was pleased, but never in the same way. His face was never as happy as it was when I played a new piano piece perfectly for the first time. In the end I stopped bothering to share any other achievements with him.

I can live with that. I have for a long time. We're never going to be close the way Bella was with her dad at the end. The way I am with Mum and Alice. And that's fine. What's not fine is him hurting Mum.

"Edward..." Bella's soft voice brings me back to her and I'm humiliated when I realise she's brushing a tear away from my face.

"_Shit__,_" I hastily pull away and drag my hand over my eyes and cheeks.

"Stop it." She grabs my wrists, leans over and kisses me, my lips and my stupid, salty cheeks.

"Crazy Brit, afraid of crying," she murmurs, smiling gently.

"I'm fine, Bella, it's fine."

But she pulls me into her arms and I can't resist, I can never resist the feel of holding her. I bury my face in her neck and just the smell of her is enough to coax a few more ridiculous tears out of me.

"Never good enough," I mumble, hating how weak I sound. "I just wanted him to be...happy with me."

She shushes and cuddles me tighter and tells me she loves me. Eventually I get myself together and pull back, embarrassed.

"The only thing that ever made him proud was my music and in the end I had to stop playing. I knew that one day the music wouldn't be good enough either, and I didn't think I could stand to see him disappointed in me for that too."

I pause, take a deep breath.

"Aren't father's supposed to love their sons unconditionally or something?"

"Edward." Her tone is strong and determined. "He _does _love you."

I clench my jaw. "Thanks, but I really don't think so. And, Jesus, apparently he doesn't even love Mum!"

"Do you not think that maybe the reason he pushed you like he did is because he loved you? I mean, yes, his methods were unfair and unbalanced but if he didn't care he wouldn't have bothered at all, right?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Don't you want to find out?"

I don't answer.

Bella sighs. "Your father is alive, baby, and capable of giving you answers if you ask the right questions. You should take advantage of that."

She could be right. Although the way I feel right now if I see him I'll be too angry to be rational.

"It's late," I say, standing. "Let's go to bed. We'll decide what we're doing in the morning."

Bella takes my hand and we go back inside and we creep up the stairs. The house is quiet but I hear Alice's voice, talking quietly on the phone from her old room, presumably to Jasper.

"I'm just going to check on Mum," I say, leaving Bella in my bedroom.

Mum is sleeping; she looks small and older than I remember. I drop a kiss on her forehead and go back to my room where Bella has already crawled under the sheets. I remove my clothes and climb in beside her. She turns and curls into my arms, somehow making everything better.

It takes me a long time to go to sleep, despite the comfort of Bella's body against mine. This room evokes so many memories, good and bad. I eventually drift off to sleep feeling like I'm floating between two lands, my parents and this house on one side, my beautiful girlfriend and our still uncertain path on the other. My past and my future combined.

* * *

><p><em>I'm in a huge concert hall, packed to the rafters. There is no orchestra, no conductor, only me and my piano. There's a hush over the crowd, not a single person lets out a breath, they simply wait. I stare down at the keys and go over the familiar notes in my mind one final time. I settle my hands on the smooth ivory, comforted by the feel of it. I close my eyes.<em>

_When I open them the audience has disappeared. There is nothing but rows and rows of empty seats leading up to the highest, grandest ceiling I've ever seen. My breath quickens. Then I hear a throat being cleared. Shielding my eyes against the bright lights I squint up to the highest point, and there he is. My father. I feel like a sitting duck, staring up at a hunter cocking his rifle._

_"Play." His voice is stern and too close and when I blink he is no longer in the gods but in the front row, leaning forward eagerly on his elbows, his expression fierce._

_I look back at the keys and my mind is blank, I can't remember the piece, a single note._  
><em>As my stomach starts to fill with panic, I hear a heavy door creak open and look to my left to see Bella, Mum and Alice walk in, apprehension written all over their faces. A door creaks on the other side, startling me, and a girl I've never seen before enters. She is young and beautiful and stares at my father like she knows him, even the parts I've never seen.<em>

_My father's eyes never leave me and when he speaks again his voice is hard._

_"Don't make any mistakes, Ed."_

I awaken with a jolt, heart racing and sweaty, with Bella's body wrapped tightly around mine. I breathe in the scent of her hair until my heart slows a little.

Then the events of last night flood back to me and the rage hasn't diminished, in fact my dream seems to have only added fuel to the fire.

Bella murmurs my name and stirs. She disentangles herself enough that I can reach over and look at the time on my phone; 6:03am.

"Edward," she mumbles again, opening beautiful, bleary eyes.

"Yeah, I'm awake."

She stares at my face. "What is it?"

I bend my lips to hers and kiss her softly.

"I'm going to Brighton."

She blinks, pauses, then nods.

"What will you say to him?"

I pull myself to sit on the edge of the bed, scrub a hand over my scruffy jaw and ridiculous hair.

"I don't know. But I'm not leaving there without the truth."

I feel Bella's small hand on my back.

"Do you want me to come?"

_Yes. I want you with me everywhere. To keep me grounded and sane and from doing something stupid._

"No. I...I need..." Pause. "This needs to be just me and him."

The bed shifts and Bella sits beside me.

"I'll go back to the office then, handle everything."

For a moment I'd forgotten it was Monday morning. I dip my head and rest my cheek against hers.

"Thank you." My mind instantly fills with my working schedule. "Shit! I have a client meeting with BRC today, and I promised the Wit/Lock shortlist report."

"Hey," Bella grabs my hand. "I _said _I'll handle it. They'll just have to understand. It's only a day or two."

I smile, grateful once again to whichever force dropped this woman into my life.

"Thank you." I pull her closer. "Did I ever tell you how awesome my PA is?"

"Don't make me jealous," she grins. "She's not going to steal you away, is she?"

I smirk. "Can't promise anything." I place a kiss on her neck. "You're _both _pretty hot."

We shower and dress quickly and quietly. I write a note for Mum and Alice. When I poke my head around the doorframe my mum is still sleeping soundly. We creep along the landing.

"Where are you going?"

"Fuck!" I jump about a foot in the air. "Bloody hell, Alice!" I hiss.

She leans against her bedroom doorway, hair sticking out and sleep still in her eyes.

"You going to work?"

I shake my head.

"You're going to Peter and Charlotte's?"

I sigh. "Yes."

"I'm coming with you," she says determined and confirming what I feared she'd say.

"No, you're not."

"What do you mean 'no'?" She whisper/growls.

"This is between me and him."

"He's my dad too, Ed. Don't you think I want to know what the hell happened as well?"

She glares at me and I glare back. I'm instantly thrown back to our childhood and the endless bickering we would have on this very landing.

"Sis, come on. I'm going alone and you need to stay here and take care of Mum."

I see her hesitate and I know she just realised Mum needs her more.

"I'm not happy about this. I still think we should speak to him together."

I offer a tired smirk. "Don't make me pull out the older sibling card."

Alice snorts quietly. "Yeah right, since when has that ever worked."

She's right of course. My sister's persuasive and determined nature got her snarled up in many of my adolescent capers.

I put my hand on her shoulder. "Stay here, make sure Mum's okay and I'll call you tonight, all right?"

Reluctantly, her blue eyes soften and she nods.

"All right."

"Thank you," I kiss her forehead. "I'm taking the Volvo, you and Mum can use your old shitheap, yes?"

We grin, remembering our teenage car banter.

"Yeah." She grabs me in a quick, tight hug. "See ya later."

Alice and Bella whisper their goodbyes and we head down stairs.

"Ed?" Alice calls me back.

I look up.

"What are you going to...do to him?"

I grit my teeth. "Ain't decided yet."

Alice frowns. "Don't be a dickhead."

"I'll try to resist. Bye."

I drive Bella to the station and park up so we can have a proper goodbye. I lean against the closed passenger door and cuddle her closely to my chest.

"I'll call Aro at nine." I tell her. "And call me from the office if you need anything."

I feel her nod. It's only a day or two, but I feel anxious and reluctant to let her go.

She steps back but keeps her hands on my waist. I give her a long, soft kiss, at the end sucking her bottom lip between mine, something of a signature with us, and she smiles.

"I love you."

I kiss her again. "I love you more. Will you be okay?"

She rolls her eyes. "Of course."

"Don't walk from the tube if it's dark, and keep your deadbolt on."

She laughs. "Yes, _Dad_."

But somehow her joke isn't particularly funny to either of us.

"Drive safe," she says, and when we see her train pulling in we realise she really has to go. I watch her disappear into the station before I drive away, feeling somehow emptier than before.

Without Bella's grounding calmness, it quickly becomes obvious how angry I still feel. As I drive out of town and slip onto the A127 I can already feel the rage from last night reigniting from the smouldering embers in my belly. My old car rattles along and I can't help thinking back to all the times Dad and I rowed before I would storm off and drive around. But everything that went on between my father and I pales in comparison to the white-hot fury I feel when I think of that girl. If he did betray Mum I honestly don't know what I'll do; I thought he was a lot of things over the years but never an adulterer. But I suppose it's not too much of a stretch, after all has he not been cheating on all of us with music all these years?

The Monday morning rush hour is not helping to ease my mood. This was a fucking stupid idea and I now have to add irritation with myself to the mix. It's stop/start all the way to the motorway and the M25 is even worse of course. About halfway there, I realise I've been thoughtlessly switching lanes and hammering the speed limit between tailbacks. Definitely not abiding by Bella's request to "drive safe."

I try to take a few steadying breaths and pay more attention to the road. The last thing I want to do is give Dad the satisfaction of writing my car off on the way to confronting him. Unfortunately, no amount of deep breathing seems to be working. It's as if the further I get from Bella's influence the more my anger builds. If it turns out he has been fucking some slaggy student, I can't be held accountable for my actions.

By the time I enter Sussex, my heart is racing and I'm desperate to see him, hear what he has to say. I eventually reach my aunt and uncle's place and practically launch myself out of the driver's seat.

I thump loudly on their door and my uncle answers. When he sees me, his face - a darker, younger version of Dad's - breaks into a familiar smile.

"Eddie!"

"Peter. Is he here?" I grit out through clenched teeth.

Before I've finished the sentence a broken, ghostly version of my dad appears in the doorway. He looks hopeful, like maybe my being here means I'm here for him. What a ridiculous notion.

"Hello, Son."

_Son._

It's the wrong word. Son implies family, implies a bond we don't have, a father he's never been and a husbandly duty he isn't fulfilling.

Son is absolutely, categorically the wrong word. And do you know when I realise this? At the moment my clenched fist makes contact with my father's surprised face.

* * *

><p>In terms of Southern English coastal towns, Brighton could be described as Southend's cooler, better-looking - dare I say - <em>camper, <em>younger brother. As I look out from Peter and Charlotte's balcony even the sea looks shinier here. During the summer holidays from uni, me, Tanya and our mates would troop down here for "lost weekends" of clubbing, drinking and smoking weed. We'd often crash at Peter and Charlotte's, who would keep the worst of the truth from Mum and Dad. Peter is almost ten years younger than Dad and yet I still look up to him more readily. He and Charlotte run their own PR company and have become extremely wealthy from it. Their house is enormous and right on the seafront, Peter drives a Beemer and they go on cruises and rent villas in the Med. Dad can't stand it; the miserable, communist bastard.

"Feeling calmer?" My aunt stands beside me, following my gaze out to sea.

I throw her a sarcastic smirk. "Oh yeah, Char, this camomile tea has transported me into a positively Zen-like state."

She scowls but I know she's hiding a smile. "Watch your lip, young man, you're not too old to get a clip round the ear you know."

"How you gonna reach?" I grin, teasing. She doesn't have more than two inches on Alice, and most of that's in her perm.

She laughs, pushing a blonde curl off her forehead.

"Bloody hell, Ed," she mutters, shaking her head.

"I know, I know. I'm a cheeky sod but you can't help loving me."

She snorts. "Yeah, something like that."

Her face turns more serious. "Now, are you going to go in there and _talk _to each other like grown adults or do I need to get Pete to referee?"

I swallow, guilt rising up and taking hold in a corner of my chest. I know I'm a shit for hitting him but I'm still fairly certain he deserved it.

"Yeah," I murmur and Charlotte takes me through to the lounge. Before I go in she grabs my sleeve and hisses in my ear.

"He's in a right old state, Ed."

I stare at the door handle.

"Yeah well, so he should be."

I open the door and my aunt disappears down the hall.

Dad is sitting in the armchair in the corner of the room, hunched over and clutching his head. I watch him fist his hair anxiously and my hands itch, knowing I get that trait from him.

"Alright?" I mumble, hating that it's not only a greeting this time, I want to make sure he's okay.

He looks up and I look at him properly for the first time. Bloodshot, tired eyes, almost grey skin, several days worth of beard and - now - a rapidly swelling cheek.

"You look a mess," I tell him needlessly.

He nods. I sit opposite him and silence stretches on between us. When he eventually speaks his voice shakes a little.

"How's Mum?"

Why lie? I'm not going to let him off the hook that easily.

"About as good as you."

He nods again. "She won't talk to me."

"Well can you blame her?" I growl, my fists clenching again.

Dad shakes his head sadly and croaks. "No."

This isn't how I expected this to go. I didn't expect him to look so lost, so fallen. I've never seen him like this and it unnerves me.

There's more silence. I don't know what he expects me to say but I don't have any answers for him, any comfort. He did this to himself. He did this to her.

I do have a question though. A question that ended in me punching my own dad.

"Did you fuck someone else?" My voice comes out cold, emotionless.

He looks at me with his tired eyes and I stare back, unyielding.

"What?"

I clench my jaw. "Don't even think about messing me about. Did you fuck her?"

He flinches and part of me knows he wants to chastise me for my language, which given the circumstances is truly ludicrous. He stares at his hands, fiddles with the edge of a cushion.

Eventually he looks back up, looks me straight in the eye.

"No."

Relief pounds through my veins but I ignore it. I'm almost afraid to ask the next question.

"Did you _want _to?"

I know the answer instantly. I see the shadow of it cross his face, a shadow of intent if not action, a shadow of what could have been.

"Right," I say, even though he hasn't answered me with words.

His head is back in his hands and it's not until I notice his shoulders gently shaking that I realise he's crying.

My dad is crying.

I have never, in 29 years, seen this man shed a single tear. I've seen anger and disappointment, yes; delight and satisfaction, occasionally; whiny, self-righteousness, often, but this much sadness, this much sheer grief, not once. For a moment I'm stunned into silence, and then he speaks, every other word punctuated with a lonely sob.

"I'm so sorry, Edward."

He hasn't called me Edward since I was a little kid.

"Oh God, I messed up, so bloody badly. I...I can't...she can't leave me. This _can't _be over. I didn't mean any of it."

He raises his head and he looks angry, at himself I guess. "I fucked up, Eddie. And not just with your mum."

When his eyes meet mine my heart races.

"I'm so sorry for everything."

I feel like he's looking at me for the very first time. He stares, appraising me through tear-filled eyes. Instinctually I want to comfort him, despite everything he is still my dad. I want to say something, give him a lifeline, maybe even a hug - we haven't been physically affectionate in more than 20 years.

But I can't. Anger is still coursing through me and although I pity him I can't help thinking he brought it all on himself. He's hurt Mum, he's ignored me, and I can't forget it. Not right now.

He searches my expression and I try to keep my face impassive. Eventually, he whispers.

"You're not going to forgive me."

I run a hand through my hair, stopping halfway through when I see Dad do the same.

I look at him.

"Tell me everything."

* * *

><p>There comes a point in every child's life when you stop seeing your parents as...parents, infallible heroes who are capable of fixing everything from grazed knees to playground bullies, and start to see them as people instead. I have to say, I thought this day had come with my father many years ago when I realised his relentless form of "encouragement" and complete disregard for other things in life that made me happy, meant he wasn't what a father truly should be and I soon stopped respecting him. But I realise now I hadn't seen him as a person even then, just a bastard.<p>

When he starts telling me about how crazy he and mum were for each other when they first met, about his auditions in the West End, about the life he had before me, I can actually see him in my mind as someone other than my dad, other than a bastard. I see him as just a bloke.

"She was a real stunner, Eddie. She still is, of course. But she really did something to me back then. I was a cocky little shit, only really cared about music, and girls were just for casual fun - "

He looks at me pointedly.

"I guess sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree," he mutters, taking a sip from the tea Charlotte silently brought in a few minutes ago.

"Really, Dad?" I scowl. "You're going to make this one of those 'lets bond over how similar we really are' moments?"

He flinches slightly.

"Just carry on," I grumble.

"She'd come to productions sometimes, at the end when the actors would always gesture to the band for applause your mum would squeal and shout as loud as she could."

He grins, remembering. "I used to play for her at her house, you remember that old upright Nan and Grandad used to have?"

I nod.

"It was never tuned but I didn't care. I composed for her, played for her. She loved sitting with me on that piano stool. Or at least she used to." His eyes fill with sadness and resentment.

"There's more to life than the bloody piano, Dad," I say, tightly, words I've said many times before. "Mum knows that, it's a shame you don't."

He glances at me and then apparently chooses to ignore what I've said and carries on with the story.

"The show had finished its stint in London and we were about to go on tour. Things were getting serious between Mum and me. She wanted us to get a place together, get married. I loved her, God, so much, I wanted to be with her for good but I wanted my career too. I asked her if she'd wait until after the tour, and she said she would. I asked if she'd go on tour with us but you know how your mum is, she's a homebody, she didn't want to live out of suitcases for the best part of a year. But she said she'd wait."

He takes a deep, somewhat shaky breath, and I get the impression I'm about to find out something new. I knew Dad played in the West End but I hadn't known he toured.

"A week before we were due to leave your mum told me she was pregnant."

My heart starts pounding quickly. This couldn't have been me. They were already married when they had me.

Dad looks anywhere but my face. "I'm ashamed to admit this but I was furious at first. I told her she'd done it on purpose to trap me, keep me home with her. I knew deep down this wasn't true, we'd been careless several times, I just didn't want to believe it I guess."

My heart races but I stay silent. Who was this baby?

"She told me I should still go, the baby would only be a few months old when I got back, we could start afresh from there. This tour would have been a really big deal, a great opportunity for me to get discovered and offered more work.

"I thought about it, I really wanted to go. But your mum was young, and her parents weren't being overly supportive."

He stares at the wall, smiling slightly.

"Plus, this gorgeous bird, way out of my league, was having my kid. I figured I had to grow up, do the right thing. So I stayed."

"Who was the baby?" I ask evenly, although the answer is obvious.

He finally looks at me.

"You."

"Why did you never tell me that's the way it happened?"

He shrugs. "No child wants to hear they were...unplanned."

"But you're telling me now?"

He swallows hard. "You wanted the truth."

I nod. I did. I _do_.

"What happened next?"

"It was hard; we were absolutely skint. Mum had a rough pregnancy; she was really sick and had to give up work. We had a tiny flat but it was still bloody expensive. I got some factory work to pay the bills and I had to increase my hours when your mum gave up, so I didn't get to go to as many auditions."

My breath comes a little faster. My dad, selfish, greedy, self-involved, gave something up - for _me_.

"When you were born it got a little tougher. I was working all day and gigging at night, leaving your mum all alone in that flat. She was miserable and took it out on me, said I was never there. I was trying to get my music back on track, despite that initial show I hadn't been as visible for a few months and I'd lost my way in, auditions weren't going well. My performance was slipping, I was so bloody tired that I simply wasn't good enough anymore to compete with the more experienced pianists."

I can't help thinking about Tanya, wondering if this is how my life would have been - shitty job after shitty job and a woman indoors resenting me.

"Some friends of friends had offered me some tutoring work. I took it to make ends meet and found I quite enjoyed it. Word spread and I got more work, your mum was happier because I was home more. Eventually, I started night classes to get my teaching qualifications and when I got that first job at the school me and your mum could finally relax a bit. This was the eighties of course and Thatcher had everyone's balls in her clenched fist but we were doing okay then, we had our heads above water and it was better."

The guilt that had previously taken residence in my chest, spreads all the way through me.

"No wonder you fucking hated me."

He meets my eyes, shocked.

"Hated you? Ed, don't be ridiculous."

"Well you gave up your dream for Mum and me so I can finally understand the resentment."

Despite my words I can hear the edge of insincerity in my voice. I believe what I'm saying but at the same time I don't. The little boy inside me still wants him to love me unconditionally.

"Edward." The use of my full name again makes me cringe.

"_Son_." His voice is soft but determined. He puts his hand on my arm until I look up.

"I could never, ever hate you. You are what made it all worth it. After those 14-hour days the only thing that kept me going was the thought of coming home to that little lad of mine." He smiles genuinely. "With your tufts of silly hair that was nothing like mine and a cheeky grin that was. I lived for you, Ed. We both did."

I swallow the lump that suddenly rises in my throat.

"And the first day you tapped on those piano keys, so gently and carefully despite being little more than a toddler, I couldn't stop grinning for the rest of the day. I was already talking about how great you were going to be, wondering how we were going to afford your extra tuition." He chuckles lightly. "Mum thought I was crazy."

"Jesus, you were so good. So much better than I could have ever hoped to be."

I shake my head. "I wasn't, Dad. I'm okay, I can play, but the genius you talk of was mainly in your head. You wanted me to be the best, but that doesn't mean I was."

He frowns. "Well this is where we've always disagreed."

I shrug.

"Your sister tells me you've bought a piano," he says quietly.

"My sister has a big mouth."

"You're playing again?"

I stare at him. "For _fun_, Dad. For pleasure, nothing else."

He nods.

"So...you said you didn't hold it against me and Mum but..."

He stares at his hands and they shake a little. "I know. I guess, as the years went by, I did get a little angry, I missed performing. I got a bit obsessed with the idea that I might have made it. But it was okay, because I had you. You'd make it instead. But you didn't want to and...well, that made it worse I guess."

I decide to be honest too. "I'm sorry but...I'm never going to be like you. I...I never wanted that."

"I didn't want you to be either!" he exclaims. "I wanted you to be _better_. Do you think I wanted you to end up like me? Lonely and resentful."

I fly out of my seat, furious.

"Well I'm so sorry we were all such a bloody disappointment to you!" I explode, storming across the room. "I'm sorry we robbed you of your dream and that mum trapped you into marrying her and that your kids could never live up to the high expectations to set us!"

"It wasn't like that! I wanted you to have everything I didn't!"

"Everything you didn't have _because of us_!"

"Ed...Ed, please, I'm sorry." His voice dissolves into sobs again. "I've been so stupid, so blind. You're it...you and Mum and Alice...you're all I've ever achieved in life."

"And that achievement isn't enough." I snarl.

"No! _Fuck_, this is all coming out wrong." He drags in a breath. "You are the _best _thing I've achieved. You're absolutely bloody everything to me, and I was too stubborn and stupid to see it."

All the energy leaves my body at once and I collapse down on the sofa.

"I just wanted you to be happy," he whispers.

A hundred conversations run through my mind, a hundred nights when I thought I wasn't good enough, years of building resentment and many, many rows.

"And I just wanted you to let me."

He nods, understanding me for perhaps the very first time.

"I see that now."

I don't want to talk about us anymore, him and me. This isn't about us. It isn't about his failings as a father, it's about his failings as a husband.

"So who was this girl?"

The guilt writes its story across his face. "I've been a classic fool," he murmurs, taking a deep breath. "Her name is Rebecca. She...she reminded me of your mum."

I snort, disbelieving.

"Nice excuse, _Pops_."

"I mean it. When I play she looks at me like your mum used to. She was interested in me, in music. Mum hasn't been interested in that stuff for years."

"That's because Mum isn't a miserable sod who's stuck in the past."

Dad clenches his jaw. "I know. I deserve that. Anyway, Rebecca flattered me I guess. Reminded me of the young pianist who listened to your mum whooping from the back of the theatre. She made me feel like I was...worth something."

How did he become like this? How was it that music was all that defined him? Is it the rejection of music that defines me? How can he not see what has been staring him in the face all this time? A wife and daughter who love him. A son who needed him to be more than he was. How can he be so blind?

Then my thoughts are stopped in their tracks, halted by a pair of chocolate eyes and a gentle, shy smile. And I realise, haven't we all been blind at one time or another? Bella was blind to the sort of man Jacob was, blind to all the ways he was hurting her and all the ways she was hurting herself. I was blind to what was happening between Tanya and Tyler, even though in hindsight the clues were laid out like Hansel's breadcrumbs. I was blind to what I needed afterwards, thinking I could find it through sex with strangers and a hard day's work. Jasper was blind to how much Maria was destroying his confidence, his personality, day by day.

And my parents have been blind to how lonely the other was feeling.

The truth is we all make mistakes, I've made more than my share, but we have a choice. Do we let those and the mistakes others make that affect us, define us? Or is it what we do _afterwards_ that matters? Every man is made up of the sum of his parts, but which parts do we give more weight to; the painful ones or the ones that make us feel loved? That's the choice. With Bella in my life, I'm beginning to make mine. Maybe Dad should do the same.

"Dad." He looks over at me. "You have always been worth something to Mum. That's what this is really all about. She misses you."

"Since I left?" he asks, hopefully, stupidly.

"She's missed you for _years_, and not just the pianist, but you. Whatever it was that made her want to be with you in the first place, that's what she misses. Show her him and you're golden."

"I don't know if it's as simple as that, Ed. Things haven't been right for a while."

"So fix them!" I toss up my hands in frustration.

"That's pretty easy for you to say. You've been in love for all of five minutes."

I stare at him, wide-eyed.

"Oh please, you think I don't notice anything? It was written all over your soppy mush when you first brought her home."

A smile slips onto my face without permission.

"My point is," he continues, "when you've been together for 30 years things are a lot less straightforward."

I shrug. "So start at the beginning, see how it pans out."

He frowns, fighting a smile. "When did my promiscuous son become such a relationship guru?"

"When did my hard-nosed dad become such an emotional wreck?" I tease.

"Bloody women," he mutters and we laugh, despite everything.

"So, go on then, what's your suggestion, oh wise one?"

"_Talk to her_."

"She won't answer my calls or texts; I've been trying for days. She said if I turn up back at the house she'll cut my bollocks off."

I laugh.

"Cheers," he rolls his eyes.

"Look," I tell him. "I'll call her. Then she'll talk to you, okay? And you tell her exactly what you just told me."

He nods, seriously. I stand up and reach in my pocket for my phone, he stops me and looks me dead in the eye.

"I never would have actually done it. Played away, I mean. Betrayed your mum."

All misplaced humour gone, I stare back just as hard. "You _did _betray her, Dad. By not being there, by the way you've treated her." I pull out my phone. "Now, you work your arse off until she believes you're ready to treat her better, all right?"

I dial and she answers, a previously happy woman broken by a man who broke his promises; broken by years of uncertainty and loneliness; broken by the sum of her parts, and hopefully ready to be put back together. She asks if Dad and I have talked and I tell her yes. I don't tell her it's the most honest, open conversation we've ever had, I just ask her to listen.

I pass the phone to Dad and we exchange a pointed look. I close the door behind me as he speaks, quiet and honest and ready.

"Esme...it's me."

**A/N**

**Hope you enjoyed it, guys. I'll confess I may continue to be a little off schedule for the next chapter too. It's my birthday tomorrow and I have a week off work which means no commuting and no writing time. BUT the next chapter is half drafted already so I guess we'll see. **

**There is now a Facebook group for my stories - if you want to join us for a chat you can search for "Amber's Notebook" or use this address (removing the spaces and replacing the * with .): **www*facebook*com / groups / 157793751023901/ **  
><strong>

****UPDATE AUG 14: Thanks to those kindly ladies over at The Lemonade Stand, The Search is up for Fic of the Week! I would really appreciate your vote if you can spare it. Thank you ****

****www*tehlemonadestand*net****

**Thank you for reading, I can't wait to hear what you think of this little father/son journey.**

**Amber x**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N**

**Considering what a challenge the last chapter was I'm completely staggered and touched by the wonderful feedback, I love you guys so hard! Thanks to everyone who reviewed and also for your TLS Fic of the Week votes, I so appreciate it.  
><strong>

**Also, I want to wish a happy birthday to one of my dear friends and a loyal fan of this story - Alterite xxx**

**BPOV**

The office without Edward is nothing unusual, he is often out at pitches, meetings and conferences, leaving me to hold the fort. However, days as hectic as today are pretty rare.

As soon as I arrived, the Finance Director, Alec, appeared at my desk with fear in his eyes. When I told him Edward wasn't coming in today, he proceeded to inform me that an intern from his team had inadvertently sent an email to the Accounts Department of one of our clients chasing a payment for a highly confidential assignment. Unfortunately, said intern hadn't realised the sensitivity involved, so now some Accounts Assistant at the client's office knows that we're recruiting a replacement for her boss before he even knows he's being fired. The client was quite rightly furious and if Edward had been here, that intern and Alec, would have been facing his wrath. Knowing he would want to personally grovel to his client about this "cock-up" I was tempted to call him but soon thought better of it. After how upset he was last night and this morning, the last thing he needs is a work nightmare to deal with too.

Instead, Alec called the client himself to apologise and I followed with an email on Edward's behalf.

Next, one of our candidates pulled out of their new job only two days before the start date, a major catastrophe that usually Edward would have dealt with personally, but again I decided to speak to the candidate, take down all their reasons, and email the client accordingly. They were upset but thankfully, are allowing us to relaunch the search to find a replacement.

Add an Outlook crash and constant undisguised questions and insinuations about Edward's whereabouts from Jess and it has been pretty much the morning from hell.

I didn't have time for lunch, and eventually get a break at four o'clock. Eager for some fresh air I take the ten minute walk to Paddington Street Gardens. England is still in the grip of a heatwave and the park is crowded, unlike Hyde Park where we enjoyed our heart-racing tryst. It's hard to believe our wonderful date was only 24 hours ago when so much has happened since. My chest clenches just to think of Edward and whatever confrontation he has had with his father today. I love him more than anything but he definitely has a temper where Carlisle is concerned and, although I was the one to suggest it in the first place, I can't help worriedly wondering if Edward's trip to Brighton will help or hinder their relationship. All I know is I'm grateful that Charlie and I were in such an honest place in those months before he died. Carlisle isn't dying of course but I learned a long time ago that nothing should ever be taken for granted when it comes to relationships.

I eventually find an empty bench and sit down, pulling out my cell to send Edward a text. When I look at the screen I see I have three missed calls and a text from Emmett, all from ten thirty this morning. Considering how late that is in Seattle, I feel a rush of concern for the other man in my life and if I'm being honest, a little panic for myself too. Why would Emmett be calling me at that time unless it was something relating to Jake?

I hastily dial his office line knowing he should be at work right now and his tired voice answers within two rings.

"Sports Desk, McCarty."

"Em, it's me."

"Bells!" He pauses, sighing and quietly mutters, "Hold on, babe."

There's a click, some hold music, and then he's back. My heart pounds unsteadily the entire time.

"Bella? Sorry, had to move to a meeting room."

"What's wrong? You called me in the middle of the night."

Has Jake been to Emmett's _again_? Is he coming here? Has he threatened him, or me?

"Have you heard from Rosie?"

_Rosie? _Who the...?

"_Rosalie_?" I almost shout.

"Damn, yes Bells. Have you heard from her?"

"You're calling about Rosalie?" I chuckle in relief.

I can almost hear the frown in his voice. "Yes! Fuck's sake. Have you spoken to her or not?"

"No, not for a week or so." Now that I've stopped thinking of myself for two minutes, I'm suddenly curious.

"Why?" I frown. "What's been going on?"

The last contact I know of between Emmett and Rose is when we left them making out on the dance floor in the karaoke bar. Emmett subsequently crept back to my flat the following morning looking dishevelled and sheepish. My raised eyebrow had been met with nothing but a wink and a mind-your-own-business nose tap.

Rose had been equally cagey. We hadn't seen much of each other these past few weeks as, frankly, I've been spending almost every moment with Edward and Rose told me she was very busy at work anyway. The one time I did question her about Emmett she just shrugged and said he seemed like a "nice bloke." Based, perhaps unfairly, on what I know of both their characters I had assumed it had been a one-time hook-up, but maybe not.

Emmett has gone quiet.

"Em? What's been going on?"

He mumbles something incoherent and then I catch "...easier to talk about last night."

I suppress a smile. "Spill."

More silence and then a frustrated growl. I can almost see his pouty face and it makes me laugh.

"We've been talking, okay!"

"Talking?"

"Yeah, emailing, I've called her a couple of times. Um...Skyping."

I shudder. Just that pause before he said "Skyping" tells me everything I need to know. Emmett and Rose having Skype sex? Ugh.

"I'm not sure we can ever Skype again but aside from that it's great!" I tell him, genuinely pleased.

Emmett has a pretty frustrating attitude to women. He is one of these rare but tiresome guys who seem to have wanted to settle down forever but always manage to find a way to destroy the relationships they do have. He told me in the months before I left that he "felt ready to get hitched, you know?" and yet he is so incredibly picky with women that I actually want to punch him sometimes. I've often compared him to Chandler in _Friends_, because he always manages to find some characteristic that bothers him about every perfectly lovely girl he meets, and then complains there aren't any available women.

However, thinking back, he really did seem to get on with Rose when he was here. In truth I was too busy being caught up in my Edward Love Bubble to pay much attention, but in hindsight, I'm not sure I've ever seen my best friend so attentive to a woman. And now they've been in touch, fairly frequently it seems.

I can't help grinning. "Aww, Emmett, you _like _her."

Silence where I imagine him shrugging his giant shoulders.

"_Em-mett_...?" I say in a singsong voice. "Is it safe to say that Rosalie _doesn't _have a nose that is ever-so-slightly crooked or marginally buck teeth or a head that's too big?"

Pause, followed by a frustrated growl. "Ugh! No, she's fucking awesome, okay!"

I laugh.

"And her head is..." he pauses to emit a dirty snigger, "..._perfect._"

"Gross, Em."

He sighs again and I remember his earlier agitation.

"So you like her, what's the problem? Well, aside from the living-on-different-continents thing."

He lowers his voice, apparently worried that even in a meeting room his colleagues can hear him.

"It was going great, right? We talked, we had fun, we...we had an amazing night in London."

"Yeah."

"And now I think she's blowing me off."

I frown. "Why? What happened?"

"We've been emailing nearly every day," Wow, this _is _serious. "And talking once or twice a week but I now haven't heard from her for days."

"Huh. That is kinda weird. Maybe she's just busy?"

"I don't think so, Bells. She went a bit funny when I...asked her something."

That sounds ominous. "What did you ask her?

"I asked her about the other guys she's dated."

_Shit. _Is it possible that Rose is getting funny because of her history with Edward? I thought they had resolved everything.

"Do you think...was it about Edward?" I ask cautiously.

Emmett scoffs. "Oh fuck no, we opened and closed The Cullen File weeks ago."

"You did?" I squeak, _I_ haven't even talked to Rose about that.

"Of course. Babe, do you think I'd be hooking up with a chick who was still harbouring feelings for your love muffin? She's so over that shit, and super happy for you by the way. No, it's gotta be something else."

"What?"

"I have no idea!" he groans, exasperated. "All I know is that she lived with a guy when she was younger, quite a lot younger I think, but she wouldn't talk about it and...well, truth be told, it was bugging me."

Ah, Royce. The total douchebag she has mentioned briefly to me a couple of times.

"So you pushed her on it? Christ, Em, you can be such an asshole."

"Hey! I can't help it! I'm a journalist."

"And that makes you an asshole?"

"And that makes me _curious_." He pauses. "Anyway, she totally shut down and I haven't heard from her since."

"I think I fucked up, Bells." He sounds genuinely miserable. "I've sent her a few emails and called her but she hasn't responded at all."

"Wow," I murmur. "You _really _like her."

"Yeah," he says, sadly. "Like I know she lives all the way over there and I have no idea if things were going anywhere but yeah, I like her. And now she's blown me off and I can't stop thinking about her. Especially last night."

Much as I love Emmett and actually think he and Rosalie would be kind of perfect for each other, I'm not sure what he thinks I can do about this.

"_Bella_," he says, with pleading in his voice. "Will you talk to her?"

I cringe. "Oh wait a second, Emmett, she and I haven't been friends that long and-"

"Please, babe," he interrupts, a little whiny. "I really need to know what's going on. If she's not interested that's cool, I'm not a fucking stalker, I just need to know." I can almost see his little boy pout and dimples. "_Please_."

I can't even count the ways that Emmett has helped me in the past, being there for me to talk to, to cheer me up, to make me laugh, to hold me while I sobbed after Charlie died—not to mention the small matter of saving me from Jake. Yeah, I owe him, and I love him.

"Okay, fine, I'll see what I can do."

"You're the best, Bellarella!" I can hear the relief in his voice. "Thank you."

"What are friends for, huh?" But already I feel apprehensive about asking Rose this stuff. I thought the being-Edward's-ex thing was awkward enough.

"Damn, I gotta go, Bells. My boss is calling me. Thank you! Call me later?"

"Sure. Bye, Em."

"Love ya!"

"Love ya back."

We hang up. I text Edward a message to tell him I'm thinking of him and hope he's okay, then I text Rose.

_Wine and a movie at my place tonight? B x_

How on earth did I get involved in this? This is none of my business and if she wants to keep some of her history a secret, who am I to pry? After all, I know a thing or two about wanting to keep the past _in_ the past. But a small voice inside my head rings out: _Yes, and look how far that got you. _

* * *

><p>"Isabella!" Aro barks as I pass his office door on the way back to my desk. Aro almost never leaves his desk, instead preferring to ensnare employees as they walk past like a lizard catching flies on its speedy tongue.<p>

"Angela says you wanted a word?" he asks, when I duck inside.

Crap. I was hoping to have a scheduled meeting, and therefore a little preparation time.

"Well yes but-"

"I'm leaving for the Eurostar in half an hour, not back until Thursday, so take it or leave it."

"Right. Okay then." I sit down opposite him and begin mentally cataloguing my achievements since I joined Volturi UK.

_Calm down, Swan, it's no big deal. Only your one shot to convince the old guy to let you stay in the country with the man you love._

I clear my throat, and fidget in my seat.

"Any time today would work," Aro snarks but when I look at him, I catch that playful twinkle in his eye. It relaxes me a little.

Deep breath. "It's about my contract."

"What about it?" He crosses his arms.

Oh boy.

_Get. A. Grip. You _rock _as an Assistant._

"It officially ends next month," I tell him in a clear, strong voice. "And as I am enjoying my time here and doing, as far as I can tell, a very decent job of supporting..._Mr Cullen,_ I would like you to consider extending my secondment."

"For how long?"

An excellent question. I'm planning on being with Edward forever, but am I staying in England forever too?

"For as long as possible."

He leans back in his seat and surveys me seriously, steepling his fingers under his chin.

"Hmmm. You know Caius wants you back in Seattle?"

My blood runs a little colder.

"He does?" I try to keep my voice even.

"Yes. He won't be very happy if I try to keep you here."

Damn Caius! This is concerning. _Be cool, Swan._

"To be completely frank, Aro, I think my services are better utilised in the UK office. I'm a lot busier in this role, I handle a lot more responsibility and Edward and I work together very well."

I don't miss Aro's smirk.

"There are fewer support staff per department here and should I go back to Seattle, you will still need to find someone to replace me as nobody else has capacity to support Edward right now."

I know for a fact this is true, I've done my research.

"All good points," Aro murmurs but still looks sceptical.

_Don't make me beg, you old bastard._

"Plus, I've spent these last few months building up an excellent rapport with Edward's regular clients. I'm sure if you ask him, he'll back that up."

"Oh I'll bet he would!" Aro scoffs.

Aro continues to be vague and I continue to sing my own praises with increasing desperation. When I can't think of anything else to add I slip into a miserable silence, devastated that perhaps Aro isn't as agreeable to our personal relationship as we thought. If he's tossing up roadblocks now then he must have an issue but I can't see how it can be with the quality of my work.

After a couple of long minutes, I feel his gaze on me so I lift my heavy head to meet his eyes. His expression transforms from sombre to amused within seconds and he let's out a raucous laugh.

"Of course you can stay, Bella!"

"Wh...What?"

"You can stay," he grins. "In fact I've already prepared the paperwork for HR."

"You were...teasing me?" I stutter, wanting to hit him and hug him at the same time.

He waves his hand in front of his face like it's no big deal that he just almost gave me heart failure.

"Aro likes to have his fun!" he chuckles.

"Bloody hell." The surprising words rush out on a gust of relief and Aro laughs harder.

"'_Bloody hell_?' Good God, we'll make a Brit out of you yet, my dear."

And now I'm laughing too.

"Here's the truth," he says once he's got control of himself. "Eddie-boy sent me a document two weeks ago absolutely _singing_ your praises. Honestly, the man has been compiling evidence or something. Anyway, he asked me to hold on to it should you ever approach me. His praise and flattery were really quite staggering, and given the situation, I suspect _entirely_ biased, no matter how professionally depicted. However, once the nausea had passed I asked around the office and got feedback from the staff whom you're _not _sleeping with and they backed up everything Ed had said. It seems you're a hit, Isabella, and I'm not letting you go no matter how much Caius chews my ear off."

My cheeks are hot enough to fry eggs but I can't help grinning. Edward gave Aro a freaking _dossier_ on me! Way before we'd had the conversation about me staying. I'm sure I should be irritated on the basis of some feminist ideals here but in reality, all I want to do is hug my boyfriend tight and never let go.

"Thank you," is all I manage to say.

Aro shrugs. "You're welcome. And tell Cullen he's welcome too. My bottle of Glenfiddich is running low if he's feeling especially grateful."

I nod, and leave Aro's office grinning.

A bottle? Hell, he can have a whole case of whisky if he likes!

* * *

><p>Rose sends me a text at five o'clock accepting my invitation and I'm just getting out of the bath at six thirty when I hear my cellphone ringing from the bedroom. Suspecting it's Edward, I hastily dash across the hallway, dripping water on the hardwood floors.<p>

"Hello?"

"Alright, Sweetheart?" His voice is rough and tired.

"Edward." I can hear the relief as I say his name. I've been concerned about him all day. "Are you okay? What's happening with your dad?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. He's fine, I think. Well...apart from the shiner I gave him."

"You _hit _him?" I gasp.

Edward chuckles, sounding partly amused and partly ashamed. "Um...yeah. Just a little."

"_Jesus_, Baby. And that's talking things through?"

"Yeah I know," he sighs. "Not overly constructive, but actually we did...talk."

"You did?" I'm relieved. Much as Carlisle has behaved like an asshole, I know Edward well enough by now to know that his issues with his father are damaging to him and the rest of the family, and would not be resolved on their own.

"He didn't cheat, Bella."

I feel a rush of relief for poor Esme, and for Edward and Alice. "That's good."

"But he thought about it. And...well, there's a lot of other stuff. We talked it all through." He pauses, and when he speaks again, his voice is quiet and sombre. "I feel like we know each other a little better."

There is a softness, a hopefulness in his voice that I've never heard before when he's talked about his dad. It makes my heart warm. It's a strange and wonderful thing to be so invested in someone else's happiness. That's love I suppose.

Edward clears his throat and speaks a little louder. "Anyway, I'd rather tell you all about it in person but I think I'm going to stay here just for tonight, if that's okay?"

It makes me smile that he's checking with me. "Of course. Do whatever you need to."

"Cool. Mum has spoken to him on the phone and I think he has a good shot at getting her to give him another chance but she's still pretty angry, quite rightly. She's agreed to see him tomorrow so I'll just make sure he's okay tonight and then we can leave together tomorrow. He's been in a bit of a state here, drinking, not eating and all that. I just wanna make sure he's alright."

Edward's obvious concern for Carlisle floors me. That must have been some conversation they had.

"Absolutely. That's fine. I'll see you tomorrow."

"How was your day?" he asks me.

I think of the conversation with Aro, the twinkle in his eye when he told me about Edward's document and I grin.

"Well...I talked to Aro."

"Yeah...?" Edward's tone is nervous and curious.

"Yeah. It seems my fabulous boss has been really, _really _good to me."

Pause. "He told you about my document?" He sounds uncharacteristically shy and my heart melts a little.

I wish so much that we were together when I give him this news, I miss being in his arms so badly, which is ridiculous as I only saw him this morning, a century ago.

"Yes," I whisper. "Thank you, Edward."

"I wasn't exaggerating any of it," he tells me, defiant. "You're fantastic at your job."

He pauses again. "So what did he say?" Voice full of anticipation.

"He said you owe him a bottle of Glenfiddich...because he's extending my contract."

"Thank _fuck_." Edward's sigh of relief rushes through the phone line and straight into my racing heart. "God, I wish I was with you right now, Baby. You're happy, aren't you?" He adds the last part hastily.

"Of course, silly! I'm not going anywhere, remember?"

"I remember," he murmurs. "I love you."

"I love you, too. We should celebrate this properly when you're back."

"Absolutely. I'll book somewhere nice."

I tell him about the other events of the day, the couple of issues we've had. As predicted, he's concerned until I quickly reassure him that it's handled.

"See? Best PA ever..." he says, softly, almost sensually.

I grin. "Mr Cullen, if I didn't know better I'd say you kinda like that I work for you?" I purposely say "for", not "with."

I lower my voice, teasing. "Does my _efficiency_ turn you on?"

"Possibly." I can hear him smiling.

"And do you like how I _take care _of you?" I think of Hyde Park, how his smooth cock felt in my hand, his rapid breath in my ear. _I'm going to always take care of you, Edward._

"Yes," he says, a little throaty. "What did you wear today?"

"Grey shift dress."

I hear him suck in a hasty breath.

"From the day in the Comms room?"

"Uh huh."

"_Jesus_. Are you still wearing it?"

I glance down at my damp, towel-covered body.

"Nope..."

Pause. "So what are you wearing?"

I can't help grinning as I lay down my trump card. "Well, I was in the bath when you called so..."

I can hear his slightly accelerated breathing.

"...just a towel."

"Bloody hell, Baby," Edward murmurs, with a small groan. "What a fantastic image. I miss you even more now."

"Where are you?" I ask, curiously.

"In Peter and Charlotte's spare bedroom." He lowers his voice. "Hard and having inappropriate thoughts."

My turn to breathe in sharply.

"That's a pretty amazing image too," I tell him. "So what parts of me do you miss...?"

"Your skin," he whispers. "Your mouth. Your breasts...Jesus, I can just imagine them spilling out the top of that towel."

I glance down at where my cleavage is indeed heaving over the top of the towel with my heavy breaths.

"Yes," I whisper.

"Your amazing hair...all wet." His voice is strained and I wonder if he's touching himself. I rub my thighs together.

Pushing any residual embarrassment to one side I say "So what would you do with this towel, if you were here?"

Ragged breath. "_Fuck_, Sweetheart, I'd...oh bollocks!"

And there's the bucket of cold water.

"What happened?"

"My aunt just yelled up the stairs to say dinner is ready and I pretty much jumped out of my skin. I feel like a naughty 14-year-old all over again!"

I laugh, imagining him caught with his hand down his pants.

He sighs. "Raincheck?"

"You bet. Take care, Edward. Miss you."

"Miss you, too. So much. See you tomorrow."

I hang up, glance at the clock and panic a little. I quickly dress, drag a comb through my hair and throw a bottle of wine in the fridge.

Rose arrives at seven on the dot, looking as composed and beautiful as always in skinny jeans, sandals and a strapless cotton top. I note she does look a little tired though, just the hint of dark circles peeking out from under her make-up.

"Hi sweetie," she greets me with a small hug. "Thanks for the invite, I need a break from work and...stuff."

I feel a wave of guilt because of my ulterior motives.

"No problem. Wine?"

"Sure," she collapses on the sofa with a tired grin.

We order the pizza and she asks politely after Edward. When I tell her he's sorting out some family stuff she looks genuinely concerned for him and I feel a wave of contentment that they really do seem to have put their differences behind them.

The food arrives, we eat and chat and it's so easy between us. Despite Rose's shared past with Edward I have always felt a strange kinship with her. It feels like anything I told her, she'd understand.

We finish the first bottle of wine and quickly make a start on our second. Not ideal for a Monday night but neither of us are particularly worried. I'm vaguely wondering how to ask her about Emmett when she studies me and asks a question of her own.

"Bella, what happened with you and your ex back home?"

The question doesn't surprise me; in fact, I thought she would have asked sooner. Part of me wants to tell her the whole truth, but any discussion about the problems in my sex life with Jake would inevitably lead to questions about sex between Edward and I. I'm definitely not comfortable discussing that with her, or anyone else other than Maggie. I don't think Rose would judge me, but I resist the need to offload and decide to keep my unusual situation to myself. Instead, I tell a half truth.

"We weren't good for each other."

Despite the vagueness of my response, Rose nods sagely like she understands.

"_He_ wasn't good for _you_?" she asks quietly, perceptively.

I take a deep breath.

"I have...issues that made life difficult for him. He couldn't cope with a lot of my emotional stuff." I gaze blankly at my bookcase, thinking of my sessions with Maggie. "I blamed myself a lot but recently I've started to realise how many of our problems were his responsibility too."

Rose looks at me from over her shoulder where she is stretched out on her back along the couch.

"It's easier to blame yourself sometimes, eh?" She says it like she knows.

"Yeah. Jake has a lot of pain in his past, but has never dealt with it. He was angry a lot of the time, with himself and with me."

I'm surprised by how easy it is to talk about this stuff to Rose. The catalyst for his rage soon slips from my tongue.

"And...he drinks."

The few people I've ever told about this have all had the same reaction. Slightly horrified sympathy, curiosity, questions in their eyes alongside the pity. But Rose just nods again, staring at the ceiling.

"And it turns him into a different person," she whispers.

For the first time I realise that the kinship I feel with Rose may be more than just my imagination, maybe it's instinct. Those words were personal, she's not talking about Jake.

"Yes," I murmur.

There is silence for a few moments. Rose stares but her eyes look like she's seeing more than the magnolia paintwork.

"I started going out with Royce when I was 15," she starts. "He was the most popular guy at school and my friends were so jealous." She lets out an ironic laugh. "You know how bitchy teenage girls can be."

"It was like he was two people, you know? To all our friends, to my parents, he was friendly, outgoing, confident. My mum and dad adored him, he charmed the pants off them so they let me go pretty much anywhere with him, let him stay in my room, let us go on holiday together. He was the son they had always wished for."

I think of the people of Forks, how when Jake enters the bar they flock to him, laugh with him. I remember Charlie throwing his arm around him and showing him the fish he caught that afternoon.

"But when it just the two of us it was different," Rose continues. "I adored him, I was infatuated with him. The most popular boy in school wanted _me_, it made my head spin. I had my own school persona too. I thought it was nice that we could act the way we were expected to act to our friends, parents and teachers but when we were alone together we could be ourselves."

She pauses and I watch her wringing her hands in her lap. "It turns out the real Royce wasn't quite as nice."

"I thought his jealousy was cute at first, shows that a bloke cares about you right? When other boys talked to me in class Royce would be there instantly, to scare them off with a look. At first I revelled in it." She grimaces. "I was a bit of a stupid cow back then."

The pained look on her face is so familiar that I want to offer her some words of comfort but I don't want to interrupt her story.

"Soon it got worse. He wouldn't let me talk to anyone male, even boys I'd considered good mates. He wanted us to spend almost every night together, if I told him I wanted to see my friends he'd make me feel guilty, like there was something wrong with me for not wanting to spend all my spare time with him. He said that if I loved him I would."

"It began to cause tension between me and my friends, they got sick of constantly being dumped when Royce demanded my presence or attention. They began to see his true colours just as I became blinded to them. Eventually, they stopped calling altogether."

"Looking back it's pretty obvious that that was his intention. By the time the summer after leaving school was finished I had almost no one left but him. He still had his friends and would be out drinking all the time but he never allowed me the same privilege. By the time we started college Royce had convinced me to move in with him. I left my parents' lovely 4-bed and moved into a grotty flat that was little more than a bedsit. I still thought I was happy."

"I focused on my studies and Royce focused on going out and drinking. When college kicked him out he took it hard, started drinking at home too. The moments of sweetness between us that had still existed up that point quickly faded and he found a way to blame me for almost all his problems."

The idea that Rose, strong, sophisticated, stunning Rose, could allow herself to stay in a relationship like this astounds me. And yet at the same time it's an unsettlingly familiar tale.

"Why did you stay?" I whisper.

She looks at me as if she's almost forgotten who she's talking to. She sits up on the couch, pulling her legs under her and wrapping her slender arms protectively around them.

She shrugs. "I didn't think I could do any better. I was convinced that I loved him, and that he loved me, and that he was the only bloke who could love me that way."

To some this would be hard to believe. To me it makes perfect sense. No matter how beautiful, how intelligent or how confident a person is, if the person you love tells you otherwise often enough, you have no choice but to believe it.

"What happened then?"

She takes a deep breath. "We were always fiery, both of us. Our fights always bordered on violent." She stares at her hands, blinking rapidly. "Then one day they really were."

I hold my breath, feeling sick at the idea of her being hurt.

"I packed my bag that first night, determined that enough was enough. But then he broke. Begging and crying and telling me how sorry he was, how much he needed me. Is there any stronger drug than when somebody needs you?"

She looks at me, violet eyes searching, willing me for an answer. I think of every argument with Jake, every night that I would sob into the pillow on our unchristened marital bed and swear to myself that being this unhappy wasn't right, only to feel Jake enter the room after calming down, lying down beside me, and tearfully begging me to understand. To need him like he needed me.

"No, there's not."

"Royce was careful to never hit my face or anywhere that would be visible but after one particularly bad night I was writhing in agony. I used the weakness of his apologetic, desperate moment to beg him to take me to Casualty. It turns out I'd..._he'd._..broken three ribs."

"My friend, Vera, was training to be a nurse and saw me there. Royce wouldn't leave my side but I could tell from her eyes that she knew. I felt sick with shame at what she must think of me, of how worthless I must be to allow someone to treat me this way. Someone who claimed to love me."

"She said nothing in his presence but started calling me and harassing me. At first, to casually enquire as to how I was, to eventually confront me, try to convince me to get away from him. I didn't listen. Eventually, _thankfully_, she went to my parents. She told them everything and they intervened."

She says nothing more about how she got away and I don't ask.

"Why are you telling me this, Rose?" I ask her. "I mean, I'm glad that you are but what do you need?"

She stares at me with a tiny smile.

"I think you understand."

I nod. "I do." More than she knows.

"And I need to explain something else," she continues. "Since that day I swore to never let another man control me, to never even _feel_ that much for another man. Because feeling could lead to control and I would _never_ take that risk with my safety again. I would _always _keep things casual."

I'm struck by how alike she and Edward were in that way. How in another universe they maybe could have understood each other, rather than winding up hurt. But sometimes it's the differences that set you free, and the similarities that bind you.

Rose and I came from similar relationships and yet she reacted by using sex and I reacted by running in terror from it.

She clears her throat, avoiding my gaze. "I thought with...Edward...I could feel something again. It felt safe to want someone who couldn't want me. But deep down I knew it would never end well. Looking back, it was nothing more than me testing myself."

She looks at me, smiling now. "What I felt wasn't real, Bella. I can promise you that so you never have to worry."

I smile back. "I'm not." I'm telling the truth.

"But, recently, I do feel something for someone. Something real and solid and I want it so much it hurts."

"Emmett," I murmur, she needs to hear the truth. I'm not going to mess around with Rose's feelings, I may be Emmett's wing girl but Rose has become very important to me too and she deserves my honesty.

She looks up, mildly surprised.

"Yeah."

"He called me. He...asked me to talk to you. I'm sorry."

Ignoring my apology, she quickly asks. "What did he say?"

"That he likes you," I tell her simply. "That he's worried you haven't called him back."

Rose sighs and drags a hand through her long hair.

"I'm afraid."

"I know."

"But you've done it, right?" she asks, imploringly. "You've found a way to bury the past. I can see how happy you are with Ed. I really want that, Bella."

She's laid out a whole deck of pain, it's time I turned over the magic ace.

"That's just it, I'm not _burying _anything anymore. I _was _and I was miserable. I'm seeing someone now, a therapist."

"I've done that before," Rosalie admits sadly.

"So had I! But this time I'm...motivated." I study her closely, worried for my best friend's heart all the way in Seattle. "Are you motivated, Rose?"

Her "yes" is full of truth.

"So _call _him." I hold her gaze. "He's worth it, I promise."

She swallows, nods.

Later, when we say our goodbyes, she throws her arms around me and holds on really tight.

"I'm really glad I met you." I'm not expecting those words and I have to quickly blink back tears.

Alone in my apartment, I slide the deadbolt across as I promised Edward, brush my teeth and change into my nightshirt. My bed will be cold without Edward. I wish everything for Rose and Emmett that I have found in him. A love that is healthy and real. Comfort, friendship and total _trust_.

I'm drifting off when the door buzzer jolts me awake. Disorientated, I stumble into the lounge and hit the light, that's when I notice Rose's purse on the arm of the couch. My heart slows when I realise it's just her coming back to retrieve it. I buzz the main door, unthinkingly, and throw open my front door.

"Rose, I could have just dropped -"

My words die in the air.

It's not Rose. And it's not Edward either.

The smell of whisky and sweat.

Slick, black hair. Eyes like midnight in the forest.

And an accent that mirrors mine and yet could not feel more foreign.

"Honey, you're home."

**A/N**

***Ducks for cover from angry blows* But, come on guys, you _knew_ that was coming...didn't you? If you give me your trust I promise to respect it. **

**There is now a Facebook group for my stories called Amber's Notebook, feel free to come over and chat (or to call me a "Cliffy Bitch";-))**

**The link (replacing the * with .) is: ****www*facebook*com /groups /157793751023901 /**

**I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts so please hit the review button. **

**A xxx**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N**

**I hope you've all forgiven me for the terrible cliffy - some of your reviews really made me laugh, I very much enjoyed hearing how many of you wanted Bella to kick Jake in the nuts! Extra thanks as always to Trip, Heather and Lady V for their precious help and general awesomeness.  
><strong>

**WARNING: This chapter contains scenes of violence and definitely qualifies for it's M-rating. Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, ensure your safety harness is securely fastened and hold on tight until the chapter comes to a complete stop.  
><strong>

**BPOV**

"Honey, you're home."

Instinctively, I try to slam the door in Jacob's stormy face but he shoves his heavy-booted foot into the door jamb, preventing me, and drawing his face closer.

"Now, that's no way to greet your husband, is it?" he sneers.

I pull my head back but keep pressure on the door, not allowing him any leverage.

"Ex-husband," I whisper.

His black eyes burn into my own.

"I haven't signed anything."

Being in his presence again, I can already feel a large part of myself slipping back into the familiar acquiescence that I have kept in abeyance for so long, but another, more instinctual, part of my mind is running over my options.

It's 1:00AM. Edward is in Brighton, my only real friend just left me, believing me safe and sound and Emmett, my old hero, is thousands of miles away.

There is no one here to save me, except myself.

"Get out of here, Jake."

I try to make my voice strong but I can hear it waver with uncertainty. I can tell from his expression that Jake can too.

"No. We have things we need to talk about."

I attempt to shut the door again, kicking at his foot with my weak, bare one.

"I have nothing left to say."

"I have plenty," Jake says, his face and one muscular arm pushing through my front door.

I consider crying out. But who's going to hear me? These old walls are thick and my downstairs neighbour is an 80-year-old recluse.

"Get out!" I shout anyway. "Right now, _go_! I'll call the cops."

"I don't think you will." He speaks with such certainty that I almost believe him.

Changing tack I say, "Okay, okay, you're right. We _do _need to talk, but not here, okay? It's late. What about tomorrow? I'll meet you."

_In a brightly lit, crowded place._

"No way. You've left me waiting long enough. We're talking tonight."

With a firm shove from him, I lose my grip and stumble backwards, allowing Jake to push inside, slamming the door behind him.

I just stare at him, the man who used to be my world but is now only my nightmare - huge, strong with a crazed look in his eyes. My only exit is the closed door behind his enormous bulk.

He's breathless and swaying a little, drunk. Struck dumb by the fear that is clenched suddenly and tightly around my chest, I stay silent while his eyes turn from irritated and angry to soft and pleading.

"Bella," he murmurs. "When are you coming home?"

I _am _home. I have never been so certain until this moment that England, London, _Edward _is home.

He takes a step towards me, arms outstretched and I take a step back, stumbling over the side table in the hallway. He manages to grab my arm and doesn't let go.

"You need you to come home, Bells," he almost begs. "I need you."

I draw a deep breath, and wrench myself out of his grip.

"I live here now," I tell him.

He frowns, shaking his head and muttering "No" over and over again.

"Yes, Jake. I'm not going anywhere with you. Not today. Not ever." The words are strong but my voice is so weak, pathetic. Just seeing him again reduces me to the girl I used to be; the broken girl not good enough for anyone, a loner, a victim...a freak.

He launches himself towards me and my back hits the hallway wall hard. He presses me tightly against it, grabbing my arm again and twisting it painfully behind my back. His breath is hot on my face and his eyes don't look normal at all. I wonder if it's more than just alcohol this time.

"Enough of this nonsense," he growls. "_You are my wife_."

"I live here, Jake," I whisper again, tears stinging my eyes, my throat tight with panic. He's so much bigger than me, the grip he has on my wrist is so tight. I can't imagine even getting away from this wall, let alone out of this apartment.

He can do whatever he wants with me.

Blind panic begins to spread through my mind, consuming any sense of logic in its path until I can hardly think straight. All I can see and feel are a thousand images from our shared past. Shouting and crying, pain and fear. A hand gripping my wrist and giving me bruises. A shove against a table in the heat of a confrontation. A body pinning me down, all alone in a Seattle apartment. It threatens to swallow me whole, all of me: the Bella that I was and the Bella I am trying to become.

Then he pulls back slightly, allowing me a little room to breathe, and I try to clear my mind of the overwhelming images, try to _think._

What do I know? He's upset. He's drunk, of course. He's perhaps on something else too, or maybe it's just his mental state. He doesn't want to give me up.

I'm alone in this apartment but that doesn't mean I can't try to reason with him. He hasn't always been like this; he was my best friend. He loved me once. I just need to keep him calm for as long as possible and I'll be fine.

I watch as he sways a little on the spot, I wonder if I can use his drunkenness to my advantage. His features are so confused, so conflicted.

Unstable.

"I just want you to come home," he eventually whispers.

"I live here, Jake," I repeat in a controlled, gentle murmur.

His eyes dart from left to right while his jaw clenches.

"I know. _With him_."

My blood freezes in my veins. Surprise must be written on my face as Jacob barks out a humourless laugh.

"Did you think I didn't know? Do you think I don't know who my _wife_ is _fucking_?" He snarls the words, clearly angry again.

"But I bet you're not fucking him, are you?" His insane laughter chills my bones.

Deciding my best course of action is to keep him calm and quiet I ignore what he's said. I have one clear image in my head: my cellphone on the nightstand.

"You're right," I try to keep the tremble out of my voice. "We should talk. I owe you that much. Why don't you come and sit down?"

_Please please please._

He stares at me, perhaps surprised by my apparent change in demeanour, but he eventually follows the direction of my outstretched arm and steps cautiously into the living room. He looks around, shoulders tense.

"I...I just need a sweater. I'll be right back."

As soon as I'm in the bedroom and in sight of my phone I allow myself a small sigh of relief. Without a backward glance, I quickly move to the nightstand and pick it up. I pause for a split second, wondering if calling the police on your own husband is considered hysterical. The old Bella never did that.

_It's not hysterical when he is behaving violently and has a history of attempted rape_! New Bella rages.

Right.

I hastily dial 999 but before the call connects a heavy arm is thrown around my neck, dragging me backwards.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Jake growls, ripping the phone out of my hand and twisting me painfully around in his grip to march me back out into the living room. He tosses me on the sofa like a rag doll and tosses the phone onto the coffee table with a loud clatter.

He collapses beside me, way too close, practically crushing me into the arm of the couch. He throws his arm around me and grips tight.

"We're _talking _so who would you need to call right now?"

"Nobody. Nothing. I'm sorry," I stutter, wriggling in his grasp.

"Good," he murmurs hotly into my ear. "It's just me and you now, just like how it used to be."

He places a slow, wet kiss on my neck and I shudder, the taste of bile in my mouth.

"See? I know you still want me."

I vaguely wonder when this happened, when this essentially good man with some emotional problems become a monster. Is this what _I _did to him?

We both jump when my abandoned cellphone begins to shrill.

"Don't even think about it," he growls, pushing me down and reaching over to get it whilst keeping me tightly in his grip.

A small sob escapes when I catch a glimpse of Edward's name and photo flashing on the screen. A rush of need flows through me, followed by intense desolation at knowing he is so close and yet still way too far away.

Jake let's out a feral cry before throwing the phone as hard as he can into the wall, silencing it for good.

I can't stop the tears racing down my face now, knowing my last lifeline is gone.

"Why are you crying?" Jake rages, towering over me. "Over _him_? He's not important. He's nothing!"

I pull my legs up under me, trying to become as small as I can in the corner of the couch. I wish I could just disappear. I try to stop the flow of tears, my anguish apparently only aggravating Jake.

When my sobs have reduced to just an uncontrollable shaking, Jake sits down beside me again, enclosing me in his steel embrace. Arms that used to bring me comfort now only serve to terrify me.

"It's okay, it's okay," he murmurs in a creepy, soothing voice. "I forgive you, Honey. I know you cheated, I've seen you with him, but that's all over now. I'm here and we can just go home."

"_Seen _me?" The question bubbles out of my mouth and as soon as I hear my own words the dread washes over me.

He's seen me.

Jake pulls back and looks at me, his face twisted into a clown-like grin.

"Well of course. How do you think I found you, silly?" His playful words cover my skin in goosebumps. "Someone had to keep an eye on you, keep you _safe_. Silly Bella, having an affair with her _boss_ of all people. But it's okay, like I said, _I forgive you_."

Fuck, he's lost it. He's really and truly lost it. Can he recall the last year of our lives at all?

"How did you find me?" I whisper.

He flicks his hand, as if such a question is of no consequence. "I knew where you worked, and that girl there, dark haired, kind of a hard face, worked at the front desk."

"Leah."

"Yeah, that's it. She told me you'd transferred so I just looked up the address of the company in London and waited for you to leave the office one night."

I feel like I'm going to be sick. He's been watching me, following me. For how long?

He glances back towards the shards of broken plastic on the floor that used to be my cell, the nonchalant look in his eyes replaced with something wolf-like and feral.

"I admit when I saw you with him in the park I got a little...upset."

Oh fuck. _Oh God. _He saw us in the park? My stomach churns violently. Our perfect day.

He pulls me close again. "But like I said, it's over now. He's gone and I'm here and it's going to be fine."

I shake and cry and he ignores me.

"I mean really, Bells? What were you thinking of?" He looks at me with pity in his eyes. It's the same look I've seen a thousand times, a look that renders me speechless with self-loathing.

"Did you really think it could work out with someone else? Who's going to want you with your...problem?" He kisses the top of my head and I flinch away, straining in his grasp.

"That's why it's so good that you still have me. Someone has to put up with you."

The old Bella would have just taken these words as truth. They would have simply been added to the pile of building blocks Jake had already constructed over the years with his unkind remarks. Bricks that created an impenetrable wall around us where I could only see his opinion of me, the real me hidden behind the barrier.

Part of me is still this girl. Seeing Jake again has brought all those old feelings of resentment and self-pity rushing back, there's no denying it. But there's also a new voice that rallies against his words, against these feelings. A Bella who stomps her feet and yells and shouts that I _am_ worthy, I _am_ desirable, I _am _wanted. That I can be a good girlfriend, a good woman, a _real _woman to someone.

To Edward.

"He would have soon gotten sick of it, Honey," Jake soothes.

_No he wouldn't! _New Bella screams inside my mind. _He wants me! He tells me I'm worth the wait. He wants me, not so he can control me, but because I'm _me_._

He loves me, he loves me, he loves me.

The words bubble to the surface and I almost argue with Jake aloud but then he squeezes me harder still, digging his fingers into my side.

"You need to forget all about him - _Edward Cullen_," he spits his name. He catches my eye, holding my gaze fiercely. "After all, you don't want to make me upset again...do you?"

My insides boil with rage. I want to punch him, kick him, scream in his face. He doesn't control me anymore. He can't tell me what to think, how to feel, how _Edward _feels. My limbs feel tight with anger. But I'm not an idiot. Drunk or not, I know who would win in a fight and my money isn't on me. I just need to keep him calm, keep him talking. If he's talking he can't hurt me - at least only with his words.

"Why did you come here, Jake?"

He looks at me with a self-indulgent smile, like I'm crazy for even asking such a question.

"To talk, Bella. I need you, I _miss _you. It's time you came home."

I take a shaky breath.

"But we're not together anymore, Jake. We've not been together for a year. I live here."

He sighs, a weary sound, and pulls me almost onto his lap. The smell of stale sweat churns my stomach but I resist the urge to fight him, knowing there is no way I'll get out of his grasp.

"I made some mistakes, Honey. I _know _that. And I've said I'm sorry, haven't I?"

I nod. He has. He apologised over and over. He begged, he pleaded, he told me he loved me. He told me things would change.

Then he attacked me.

I nod slowly, pushing the panic to the back of my mind. If nothing else I _must _keep a clear head.

He reaches two fingers to my chin and turns my face towards him. His eyes are gentle now, soft.

"Please, Honey," he whispers. "Don't leave me. Don't leave me like Mum and Rachel."

"It's over, Jake," I breathe, aware that his face is inches from mine, his huge hands imprisoning my head.

His glazed eyes are filled with so much pain, so much anguish, but all I feel is fear and disgust.

"You _have_ to forgive me, Bells. I didn't mean any of it. I miss you." He lets go of one side of my face to run his fingers over my hair. I think of Edward, _long _for Edward.

"Do you forgive me, Bella?" It's little more than a whisper.

_Never._

But I don't have time to answer. He drags me towards him, pushing his mouth sloppily against mine, pushing me back and crawling on top of me. I scream against his lips and struggle in his grip but the harder I push on his chest the tighter he holds me.

I manage to wrench an arm free and throw my fist at the side of his head. It's enough to make him unsteady and I realise I can move my leg.

Swiftly, sharply I aim my knee at his crotch.

"Agggghh!" He rears back, releasing me, cringing and grabbing between his legs in pain. I don't waste a second and quickly scramble off the sofa and onto my knees on the floor. And that's when I see it. Rose's forgotten purse where it must have been knocked to the ground.

Rose's purse...and Rose's cell!

I rip open her clutch and grab her iPhone, her front screen shows two missed calls from Edward. The keypad is locked but I remember that you can still make emergency calls.

Jake suddenly grabs my ankle, dragging me back along the floor towards him and I cry out as loud as I can. I kick out hard with my other leg, while hastily dialling 999, but he manages to grab that leg too, forcing my body underneath him and pressed into the floor. He forces my hand open, unfurling my grip on the phone and cutting off the call before it completely connected.

I scream, shout, try to get my legs free but the full weight of his body is crushing mine into the floor. He manages to roll me over onto my back and I get my knee free again but this time he crushes my leg down before I have a chance to kick him, growling with frustration.

"_Fuck! _Stop it, Bella! Stop fucking fighting me."

"Let me go!" I scream. "Get off me!" I turn my head towards the door. "HELP ME!"

I struggle as hard as I can and he simply presses his body further onto mine until I can hardly breathe.

Tears run down my face and I can hardly catch my breath. His hands pin mine above my head and his body holds the rest of me still.

I continue to scream as loud as I can, maybe my neighbour will at least call the cops.

"_Shut up_!" Jake roars, pulling my wrists together to pin them in one giant hand and forcing the other over my mouth, silencing me. I try to open my mouth to bite him but his hand is too tight.

And that's when he holds my eyes with his and I stop struggling for a split second, I can hardly get any leverage anyway. I plead him with my eyes.

_Don't hurt me. Remember who I am, who we were. Remember that you loved me._

Tears slip from my eyes and run onto his hand. He shuts his eyes, breaks the connection, turns his face away and I know that I am lost.

Despite months of therapy, despite every mistake I've realised, every painful memory I've relived, every step of progress I've made, I am completely and utterly powerless.

Jake has won.

The old and familiar black cloud of panic slips over my brain, protecting me, blocking out reality. I have fought so hard to learn how to keep the darkness away and now I _crave _it, I don't want to think or feel.

Just as I've almost managed to disconnect myself completely a sound slips into my ears from a world away.

A key in the lock.

A door slamming open against the wall.

An animalistic roar of rage.

And at once the weight is lifted. I'm free, released. I can breathe again.

I pull myself up off my back in a daze, my muscles screaming. The muffled sounds are growing clearer and clearer. I lift my eyes, and blink away tears and darkness.

_Edward._

Jake is on the ground, Edward straddling him. Edward's shouts and screams, words of rage and fear and anguish echo off the walls. Jake is silent, his face a bleeding mess of swollen flesh and the soundtrack of Edward's curses is punctuated only by my ragged breaths and the sound of furious fists pounding unconscious flesh.

Feeling comes back to my limbs and logic to my mind, and my body floods back to life.

"Edward." My voice is little more than a croak.

"Edward." Louder, stronger.

"Edward!" Panicked, broken.

I stand up and rush over to them.

"Edward, stop!" I shout, throwing myself onto his back, trying to grab his flying fists.

"Edward! Stop it! Stop it! You're killing him!"

"Please. Please, baby." My voice dissolves into sobs and I wrap my arms around him. At first he resists but soon I feel his body sag, collapse. I slide down, turn his face towards me. His cheeks are red and sweaty, his eyes glazed.

"Enough," I whisper, stroking my fingertips over his jaw. "Enough now."

We both collapse onto our heels and my breathing becomes panicked when I see the full extent of my ex-husband's broken face.

My hands cover my mouth. "Oh fuck. Oh _fuck_. Edward, he's..._we've._.."

"Shhh.." He grabs me, holds me. His scent wraps around me like a security blanket. "It's okay, baby. _It's okay. _Look."

He turns my face to Jake with so much gentleness that I can't help crying harder.

"He's breathing. He's fine."

I watch as Jake's chest rises and falls. He is completely unconscious but I realise a lot of the damage I saw at first glance was just blood, not crushed flesh. His nose is definitely broken though, his eyes already swelling shut. There is blood seeping from a wound on his temple.

Edward's jaw is set, his muscles tight.

"I wish he was dead," he murmurs.

He turns to me, his eyes suddenly afraid.

"Come here," he says, gently, taking my hand and pulling me closer. He strokes a hand over my hair, studies every part of me, his eyes full of unshed tears.

"Are you alright? Did he touch you? Are you hurt, sweetheart?"

I shake my head, I'm dazed but unbroken.

"You...he...I'm okay."

_You saved me, Edward._

I watch Edward swallow hard, take a shuddering breath before holding me incredibly tight and yet at the same time as if I were made of glass.

"I'm sorry," he whispers on a heavy breath. "I'm so fucking sorry."

A groan from Jake grabs our attention and Edward instantly pins him down, wrapping a hand around his throat.

"Don't move a muscle, you sick fuck, or I _will _kill you." I believe every cold word.

Keeping his weight on Jake, Edward pulls his phone from his pocket with his other hand.

"What are you doing?" I exclaim, horrified.

"Calling the Old Bill."

"The police? Edward, fuck, you _can't._ _Look _at him, look at the state of him."

"I don't care."

"Well I do! Edward, Edward _please_."

Jake coughs hard, I notice him clutching his stomach and chest and I remember the blows he took from Edward there too. I wouldn't be surprised if he had broken ribs, bruising all over him, a broken nose, maybe even his jaw, too. No matter what Jake did, the police aren't going to let Edward get away with that, and as much as I know he deserved every painful moment and more, and that I'm _desperate _for him to be locked away for what he's done, I'm not going to allow _anything_ to happen to Edward because of Jake. Because of _me_.

Jake draws a shaky, gravelly breath that turns into a maniacal laugh.

"If you call the cops I'll have you for assault," he croaks, before exploding into a coughing fit.

Edward grips his throat tighter, bringing his face close.

"Do you honestly think I give a _fuck_ after what you just did? After everything you have done to her, after trying to take the woman I love from me. Forget the police, I'll fucking end you _right now_."

I'm hit with such clarity. This is not Edward's fight. He loves me and he wants to protect me, _needs_ to maybe, but Jake is _my_ problem, my past. I'm the one who needs to defeat him, stand up to him, show him who I am once and for all. New Bella, _strong _Bella, forgotten and buried half an hour ago rises up inside me, cleansing away every moment of fear and doubt.

"Edward," I say, my voice oddly calm and controlled. "It's okay."

He glances at me, bewildered.

I crouch down next to them. "I have something I need to say now."

It's the calmest, strongest, _safest _I've ever felt in my life.

I move my face close to Jake's bloody and broken one. We're nose to nose and I ignore Edward's protective stance and warning murmur of my name.

"I don't love you, Jake." I tell him simply, clearly.

He swallows, blinks.

"That's not true."

I nod.

"It is. More than that, I _never _loved you."

He shakes his head, his lip quivering slightly. I glance at Edward, where his eyes don't leave my face.

I turn back to Jake, my past and my pain. "I know what it feels like to love someone, to respect them, to _trust_ them. And I _never _felt anything like that for you."

Unable to resist this final, naked truth I bend close to his ear and snarl, "I know what it feels like to want someone, to truly desire every touch, every kiss. To want to feel them moving inside me more than anything else in the world." I drop my voice the lowest whisper, although I'm sure Edward can still hear. "I want Edward to fuck me in a way I _never_ wanted you. The only _problem _I ever had was you, and the way you treated me. And now I never have to worry about that ever again."

I lift my hand, my fingertips holding his chin tightly as his did mine earlier. I twist his head and he growls in pain. I continue to speak calmly, my mind so clear.

"You will not go to the police because if you do I will tell them _exactly _what happened, tonight and back in Seattle. Emmett will happily act as witness to the vile, disgusting things you tried to do."

"I never want to see you again. You are going to leave my _home_ right now, and get on a plane to Washington. You will sign those papers and give them to your lawyer on Monday morning and if you _ever _come near me, or Edward, or anywhere near this city again I _will _have your ass thrown in jail. Don't fucking test me."

His face crumples, collapses.

"I'm sorry, Bella."

I shrug, shake my head, feeling nothing.

"It's too late. It's all too late. I don't care anymore." I draw back and stand. "Just get the fuck out of my house."

Edward and I share a loaded look. He is asking with his eyes, asking if this is really how I want this to end. Respect and trust. A partnership. Something Jake and I never shared.

I give a curt nod, stepping back.

Edward silently pulls away from Jake too, watching as he half walks, half crawls towards the door. His face is hard as he stares, hatred coming off him in waves.

By contrast I feel numb.

Staring at Jake's pathetic, retreating form I feel a rush of nostalgia, a memory of fondness so far buried it's almost as if it never existed, but I can't help the final, soft words that leave my lips.

"Get help, Jacob. Before you hurt someone else."

He casts a final look in my direction and nods.

The door shuts and my calm falls away. My mind is at once crushed by the night's events and what could have been. Gasping sobs fill my chest and Edward catches me just as I fall to the floor.

We land on the carpet in a crumpled mess and he pulls me into his lap, rocking me like a child, making soothing noises into my hair.

"You're here," I manage. "How are you here?"

"Alice-" he pauses, his voice rough with his own emotions. "She...my sister has...hunches. She called me."

He pulls back, resting his forehead against mine, cupping my face in his hands.

"It doesn't matter, I'm here."

He kisses my cheek, my ear, the top of my head. He threads his hands through my hair, caresses my back. Then I'm in his arms again, tight and close.

"_Fuck,_" he whispers. "I love you. _God, I love you. _If he'd hurt you - if I lost you - I-"

I place my lips on his neck, slip my fingers into his own hair.

"I'm fine, I promise."

Tears run down my face, relentless, unstoppable. Edward holds me and time has no meaning.

I breathe him in and he says two words over and over again, a reassurance for himself as much as me I think.

"You're safe, you're safe, you're safe."

**A/N**

**Now might be a good time to mention that I mainly read thrillers and crime novels before discovering fanfiction! ;-)  
><strong>

**I'm sure some of you will be disappointed that Jake didn't get carted off in a panda car BUT it came down to a choice - cops vs a beating from Edward and the latter just HAD to happen. Hope you liked it... **

**Can't wait to hear your thoughts!**

**Amber x**


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N  
><strong>

**Happy Bonfire Night to my fellow Brits!  
><strong>

**Firstly, thanks so much for your enthusiastic and passionate response to the last chapter (it seems the drama even brought out a few readers who haven't reviewed before which is awesome!). I'm relieved to see you all seem to have enjoyed the violence as much as I did! I know a few of you had reservations/questions as to Bella's decision _not _to report Jacob. I hope I explained my reasons well enough in my review replies but Bella will be telling you more in her own words this chapter which I hope will make sense to everyone :-)**

**There were a couple of people who expressed their frustration with Bella in a less polite way but I'm afraid some didn't sign in or do not have private messaging access turned on so I was unable to explain further. Should you still like an explanation please message me and I will happily respond.**

****Secondly, a fervent hope that every single one of my US readers is safe and sound after the devastation of Sandy, I watched the pictures with increasing horror and thought of you all xxx****

**Lastly, this chapter is pretty key so you'll see I've changed up the POVs a little bit, I hope everyone likes what I've done here. I haven't been this nervous since Chapter 10 but, at the same time, I can't wait to hear your response as this chapter is a personal favourite too. As always, deepest thanks to Trip, Lady V and H for making my words so much better.  
><strong>

_**London Rain - Heather Nova**  
><em>

_I'm coming home to you  
>I'm alive I'm a mess<br>I can't wait to get home to you  
>To get warm and undressed<em>

_So keep me in your bed all day  
>Nothing heals me like you do<br>_

_And where I'm home, curled in your arms_  
><em> And I'm safe again<em>  
><em> I'll close my eyes and sleep<em>  
><em> To the sound of London Rain<em>

_ Nothing falls like London Rain_  
><em> Nothing heals me like you do<em>**  
><strong>

**EPOV**

The British are often accused of obsessing about the weather, but the truth is we have plenty of weather to obsess about. The best and worst thing about my beloved Blighty, is the distinctive and briskly changing seasons. Like that day, around Bonfire Night, where the air is so crisp you have to find gloves and it almost _smells _like Christmas. Or that morning in March or April when you still need a jacket but there is a scent in the air and the sky is clear and you _know _our version of summer is just around the corner.

Or that moment, like now, when the heaving heat of London gives way to a colder breeze, when office workers still eat lunch in the park but no longer trust their expensive suits to the grass and crowd on the benches instead. Where the tourists and visitors and outsiders the city welcomed with open, proud arms during the throes of summer, flee for warmer climes. In summer, my city welcomes the world but as the cold seeps in it battens down the hatches, returns to its grumbling and sarcastic true self and the only foreigners left are the ones who truly love this city, and who in return, the city will fiercely protect during the darker, colder days as one of its own.

Fortunately for me, _my _foreigner is going nowhere. The seasons will continue to change and we'd be foolish to think we'll never have to face fiery summers or cruel, chilly winters but if ever Bella is threatened again, London and I will protect her as our own.

It would be an understatement to say I've been feeling a little _over_protective since...that night. I try not to even think about it because if I do, if I allow myself to recall the way my heart raced at Alice's call, at how my blood turned to fire when I opened that door and saw him on top of her, hurting her, then I fill with such pure and powerful rage I don't even recognise myself. So I've tried not to think of it, I've tried to just let Bella speak about it as much as she wants while I hold my own feelings back and listen calmly.

I was so afraid that Jake's return would set back the progress Bella has made, that his actions would force the beautiful, confident girl that has been blooming in front of my eyes these last few months, back into her broken shell. I worried his actions would change the girl I love. What I didn't bargain on was how bloody _strong _she is, how strong _we _are.

And now, two weeks later, I'm lying in bed, half-asleep, listening to Bella crashing around with pots and pans downstairs, the delicious smell of breakfast foods drifting up towards me.

Of course, it's a good job Bella _is _as strong as she is, after having to face more drama this week when she received that phone call from Washington. My heart clenches with worry for her and I smile a little sadly when I hear her begin singing along with the radio. _Pretending everything is perfect, again. _Maybe it is, maybe she doesn't care what happened on Jake's return to Forks, but I know her and her heart is too big to feel nothing.

I creep down from the bedroom and lean against the doorframe. Watching Bella at home in my kitchen is still one of my favourite things. I was kind of hoping she'd still be as naked as she'd been all night next to me but it's colder now. The heating is on for the first time and she's wearing a chunky, cream jumper of mine, so big it just about grazes the top of her bare thighs. On her feet are thick socks, pulled up almost to her knees, which are both utterly ridiculous and oddly sexy at the same time.

It would be true to say I've been struggling a little more with my control recently. I suppose a cynic would say part of the reason I crave Bella so badly, why my body feels a constant need to touch her and taste her, and how I'm never truly sated is because I _can't _be inside her. The unattainable is alluring to everyone. but I don't think it's only that. I've never felt drawn to any woman the way I am to her, and if I put my bloke card on the shelf for a second, I'll admit that the reason I want her so badly is because I _love _her so much.

The problem is trying to remain patient and calm, trying to still be satisfied with the sex life we have. For the most part I _am _satisfied, but the desire to feel that true closeness, to experience our connection to its fullest extent continues to grow. Resisting the urge to be inside her gets harder and harder every day - metaphorically _and _literally.

I don't admit this of course, except during therapy sessions when Maggie draws it out of me like a conversational wizard. After everything that Bella went through with Jake, I'm just grateful that she hasn't taken any steps backward in that respect.

She puts down the spatula and spins around with a grin, leaning back on the worktop.

"You're terrible at creeping up on people, Edward Cullen." She smiles. Her hair is falling out of its messy knot and her skin is scrubbed free of make-up and I _need _to kiss her.

Two strides and my hands are on her waist, her body so tiny under my thick clothes, and I kiss the smile off her face until she whimpers a little and slips her hand into the hair at the nape of my neck and then, like the needy moron I am, I'm whimpering too. I find the edge of my jumper and slip my fingers underneath. Warm, soft skin turns to goosebumps when I nibble her ear. I chuckle and surprise her by grabbing her hips and lifting her onto the clear bit of work surface behind her.

When I pull back her skin is flushed and her smile returns.

"Good morning, baby," she murmurs.

"Hiya," I grin. "Now what on earth are you cooking for me here that smells so amazing?"

She gestures to the many pans and much mess with a proud smirk.

"Full English Breakfast."

She hops down, slips on some oven gloves and pulls two plates from the oven loaded with sausage, bacon, hash browns, baked beans, mushrooms and tomatoes. She adds eggs from the frying pan and puts them on the breakfast bar where there is already toast and orange juice and a plate of-

"Eggy bread!" I hop over and stuff a piece of my favourite breakfast food from my childhood into my mouth. I'm surprised to find it's not the usual slightly salty, savoury treat I expected but instead my mouth explodes with sweet, syrupy goodness.

"Mmmm...what did you _do _to this?" I moan, mouth full.

She laughs, a carefree sound I'd been afraid I wouldn't hear for a while. Is she really totally fine?

"It's called French Toast, not eggy bread, you commoner," she teases. "And in America it's _sweet_."

I swallow and fork two more pieces onto my heaving plate.

"Well I do so enjoy sweet things from across the pond," I smirk.

She rolls her eyes and I start shovelling in the delicious brekkie. We smile and chat happily; about my parents and how much better they are getting on nowadays, about Emmett's email, thanking Bella for whatever she said to Rose, who is now being much more open with him. I complain about J and his ridiculous notion that my sister move in with him, the protective brother in me says that it's _way _too soon after his split with Maria.

Everything is normal but my over-protectiveness won't be held back any longer and I have to ask:

"How are you feeling about today? Are you okay?"

We're meeting with Maggie this morning. Last week we told her what had happened and she tried to get Bella to talk but...I don't know, she seemed so closed off, so numb.

Then four days ago that phone call came. A call that my girlfriend still seems reluctant to discuss aside from stating the bare facts in a cold, detached tone.

But I can't blame her really. I don't even know how _I _feel about that call. All I do know is, I'm glad that Jake is out of our lives for good.

* * *

><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

All I know is I'm glad Jake is out of our lives for good. Ever since Billy's call on Tuesday, Edward has been watching me like he is waiting for me to shatter into a thousand pieces.

I haven't. I _won't._

From that moment just before I threw Jake out of my apartment I've felt oddly disconnected from the whole thing, like it wasn't really real. It's as though there are two Bellas, and the Bella of my past has nothing to do with me now.

I'd be lying if I said I was completely unaffected by Billy's call though. He was so distraught, so desperate. Begging me for answers. The only emotion I have felt even vaguely is guilt. Wondering what I should have done differently, wondering if it was my fault, if I tipped Jake over the edge. Billy doesn't deserve such heartache.

I also wonder if I did the right thing letting Jake go that night. How different things might have been if I had let Edward call the cops, but I couldn't have risked any trouble for Edward. That was my main motivation for letting Jake go. However, if I'm honest, it's not the only reason. If we had had Jake arrested then I wouldn't have gotten Billy's call, but the nightmare would have continued long past that night; I would have to relive every single moment of our past through the courts. Everyone would know my secrets, just like everyone in Forks knew.

I just wanted it over. And now, I guess I have my wish.

"Bella," Edward murmurs and I meet his concerned eyes, forcing a smile.

"I'm fine." I tell him, leaning over to kiss him softly, grateful for so much.

* * *

><p>In the beginning, Maggie's office filled me with anxiety. But over time I have come to feel comforted by the sight and smell of it, knowing that with her gentle Irish lilt and almost-telepathic understanding she can make me feel safer and freer than before. However, today I can't help but feel a little anxious again. She can see right through me, whatever I say or do, and she will coax me to speak about things I'd rather forget.<p>

I feel Edward's worried eyes on me, again. Our names are called and as we walk inside he squeezes my hand tightly, before bringing my fingers to his mouth and kissing them, making me melt and shiver a little.

"Good morning," Maggie greets us, standing and smiling. I smile back, we sit down and Maggie and Edward exchange a few pleasantries while I calm my breathing and try to push Billy's voice and words from my mind.

"Bella," Maggie says, I think for the second or third time.

"Yes?"

"I'm afraid I'm going to need you to talk a little more about Jake's visit."

I nod, dumbly. I know I have to tell her.

"Actually, there's been a...development. I got a call from the US this week."

Maggie frowns. "Jake made contact again?"

"Not exactly," I whisper, the clench of guilt around my chest making me unable to say the words.

There are a few seconds of silence before Edward mutters quietly:

"Jacob tried to kill himself."

I don't look up but I can tell just from Maggie's tone that she's not shocked. Almost nothing seems to faze her.

"What happened?" she asks, gently.

Edward catches my eye, silently asking if I want to tell this and I shake my head minutely.

"His father came home and found him." Edward's voice is factual, detached. "They took him to hospital, it seems he'd taken an overdose of his father's pain medication and washed it down with a bottle of vodka." He pauses. "Physically, he's okay but his father has had him sectioned, or the US equivalent, so he's now at a psychiatric hospital."

"I see," Maggie says. "And Bella, how did you find out about this?"

She wants me to talk. I need to, I know.

I look into her gentle face.

"Billy called me," I whisper. "That's Jake's dad. When he found him he-" I have to pause to swallow down the emotions that accompany this knowledge. "The signed divorce papers were right next to him, and when Jake...woke up, it seems he told his dad some of what happened between us. He wasn't entirely coherent but he gave enough hints that Billy called me looking for the truth."

"And what did you tell him?"

I take a deep breath.

"Everything. Billy is a good man and I didn't want to hurt him but then I realised _I _hadn't hurt him, Jake had. I need to face what happened as Jake apparently has. I need to be free of him."

Maggie nods. "That's right. What was Billy's reaction?"

"He was crying," I tell her, forcing back my own tears with irritation.

"But he believed you?"

I'm surprised by the question, but then I realise it's valid. I spent many years in that town, with Jake discrediting me whenever he could.

"Yes."

"And has Jake's confession made you feel any differently about reporting him?"

We talked a lot about this last week, confident that Maggie is bound by patient confidentiality. I think carefully, it's already a topic Edward has raised with me, but still I know only one answer.

"No. It's over. I don't want to relive a single moment."

Maggie nods. Last week she made her points very clearly, she thought that perhaps it would help me to see Jake punished but I know she also understands, and supports, my need to let it go.

"So how do you feel about what's happened to Jake, Bella?"

There is only one emotion.

"Guilty."

"_Baby_," Edward murmurs, sounding a little exasperated, but stroking my hand with his. "There is _nothing _for you to feel guilty about. I don't know how many times I can tell you that. He attacked you, for Christ sake!"

Maggie ignores Edward and asks.

"Why guilt?"

"In case the reason _all _of this happened is due to years of frustration caused by me."

"Look at Edward," Maggie says and I do. His gorgeous face is somewhere between frustrated and concerned, but his eyes are as gentle and loving as they have always been.

"Edward is currently in the same situation that Jake was in. I'm certain that, as much as he loathes admitting it in front of you-" she shoots Edward a slightly scolding glance "-he is also highly frustrated, a little desperate by this point." I watch as Edward swallows and struggles to hold my eyes. "Do you worry that Edward's frustration will lead to the same eventual outcome as Jake's did? That he will eventually attack you too. But it's okay, it's excusable, because _you _drove him to it?"

"No!"

Edward is gritting his teeth, eager to rebuke such an abhorrent suggestion.

"Right. So what's the difference?"

The answer is obvious, despite Maggie's fairly transparent game of devil's advocate.

"Jake is sick."

Maggie gives me a sad smile.

"And is Jake sick because of you?"

It's something I've often wondered. Did he drink more because we were having problems? Was he more angry? But Maggie has a point, could I imagine Edward becoming that way? _Never. _Thinking back on Jake's past, his family, his mother's addiction, it's quite clear that his problems started way before he began a relationship with me.

"No," I tell them, and Edward squeezes my hand.

Maggie nods.

"In fact, there's a totally different angle to look at this from," she continues. "What did you wish for Jake when he left your home two weeks ago?"

Edward tenses beside me; I can well imagine the harm he wished upon him. I shared in that anger too, but I also wanted something else.

"For him to get help."

"Exactly. And that's what he now has. Whether he deserves it or not is not a question you need to worry about. All you need to do is find a way to accept what happened in the past, what happened two weeks ago _and _where Jake has ended up."

I take a deep breath and share a look with Edward. He smiles gently. Edward is my future and Jake is well and truly my past. As much as I never want to relive a moment of that night, a part of me knows that facing up to what happened, and more importantly confronting the person I used to be, and dealing with both, will help me move on. And there's only one person I want to move on with.

I smile back and, ignoring Maggie, lean towards him to softly kiss him.

"I am definitely ready to move on for good," I tell Maggie with a smile.

"And Edward," she turns towards him with a quizzical look. "How do _you _feel?"

He looks a little taken aback. "About what specifically?"

"About Jake trying to hurt himself."

Edward frowns. "I can't say I feel much pity for him," he almost snarls. "Frankly, after what he did to Bella _anything _is too good for him."

Looking at me, he hastily adds. "Of course, I didn't want Bella to be upset further and she obviously felt something about the whole thing."

"You still feel angry?" Maggie asks, carefully.

"Of course! Look, I'm not the sort of person who wishes pain on others but he attacked my girlfriend for God's sake!"

I put a hand on his tense shoulder but he doesn't relax.

"I understand, Edward, I do. Anyone would be angry about what happened, but I think _you _need to find a way to move past it as well."

"As long as he never comes near Bella again there isn't a problem," he states coldly.

"This isn't about Jacob, this is about you. When you walked into Bella's apartment you acted on impulse, and that's natural. But the level of your rage, the lengths you went to, to physically hurt him, that's a concern to me."

I can sense that Edward is angry now. His whole body is tense and rigid.

"Have you struggled with anger in the past?"

"No," Edward answers, automatically, indignantly.

"Think carefully, please," Maggie probes, patiently.

I think about the man I love and his occasional erratic outbursts. He's fiery and I _love _that but there's a line between being passionate and having a short fuse and I have no idea if he has crossed it.

A shaky breath and then he admits. "I suppose I do fly off the handle occasionally."

Maggie makes a note on her pad, which I personally think is a sure fire way to irritate Edward further, and then tells him:

"I'd like us to have a one-to-one session at some point, just to discuss some anger management techniques-"

"Hold on, I don't-"

"Edward, there's no point me focusing my efforts on making sure Bella has dealt with what happened and then neglecting you, is there?"

God, she's good.

"Okay," Edward agrees, reluctantly.

"I have some excellent techniques I think might be able to help you." A strange, wistful, and frankly, _inappropriate _smile drifts over Maggie's face. "I have a...colleague in the US who specialises in this area. He has been...educating me."

Is she _blushing_? Well, well, well. Just a colleague Maggie, huh?

Edward arches an eyebrow at me and I grin while Maggie clears her throat.

"Anyway, we'll make an appointment."

"Sounds good," Edward says, much more amused than he was a moment ago.

Maggie composes herself a little and clasps her hands in front of her.

"Finally, let's talk a little about your sexual progress. Has the awful situation with Jake affected things, Bella?"

I think back over the last two weeks, even to what happened that night. After I'd cried every ounce of fear out of me, sitting on the carpet in my apartment with Edward wrapped tightly around me, he picked me up and took me to the bathroom. He ran me a bath and sat with me while I scrubbed every part of myself that Jake might have touched. But when we were warm under the covers, Edward holding me tightly, I turned in his arms and kissed him softly, then harder and more insistently. I touched him and tugged urgently at his sleep pants and t-shirt. Despite everything, I wanted him so badly. Edward is everything Jake isn't, and being with him was my way of cleansing my body and mind from everything else that had happened.

I begged him to take me that night, to try to be inside me. I think I was desperate for that date to be about something else other than Jake's visit. To prove to Edward and myself that I was still _me_, I was still strong, I hadn't regressed to the pathetic girl of my past.

Edward had refused, naturally. He told me that, not only was it a terrible idea as clearly I wasn't going to be relaxed after what had happened, but also that he didn't want it to happen that way, as a reaction to Jake. He was right, of course, and if we had tried, and I couldn't, I can't even imagine the sense of failure I would have felt.

Since then though, I have been determined not to let us come off track. This week we used dilator 3 and I feel more and more ready every day.

"Strangely," I answer, "things haven't taken a step back at all in that area." I smile at Edward who sends me a cheeky wink. I do love the way he is no longer afraid of discussing all this with Maggie.

Maggie grins. "Well I am very pleased to hear that. Dilator 4 next then?"

"Yes," I smile, a small thrill going down my spine at the progress we've made.

* * *

><p>With every passing day, my resolve slips, my patience wears thin. The desire to be with Edward, properly, consumes my waking thoughts - including those when I'm at my desk and should be working. But how can I not be thinking of him then too? When he's right <em>there <em>in front of me, looking delicious in snug grey pants and a black button down. Jess has left for the day so without her embarrassing scrutiny, I'm free to sneak glances through the glass. His hand tugs his hair as he concentrates intently on something on his screen. He reaches for a file, long beautiful fingers grasping, forearm flexing - my _God_, this man is dangerous.

And mine.

And soon I'm going to really stake my claim, in the most basic sense possible.

_Good God, Swan. Horny much? You'd better calm down, he'll be looking even sharper later and you need to get a handle on your hormones._

Just as I'm chastising myself his eyes snap to mine, and he grins.

My internal line buzzes and I grin too.

"Sir?" I answer him, cheekily.

"Miss Swan, can I see you in my office for a moment?"

Hiding my smile I slip inside and he motions for me to close the blinds. Most of Volturi's staff have left early today anyway, it's the End of Financial Year party and most have gone home to get ready.

Edward stands up and walks to stand in front of his desk. He grips my hips and pulls me towards him. I gasp a little when he places two warm, open-mouthed kisses on my neck and slips his hand down to squeeze my ass.

I grab his hair and pull his mouth to mine, groaning when he gives me his tongue. He half sits on the desk, pulling me into him and I raise my knee to grind against him.

We break away breathing heavily, and he smiles.

"What have I said about staring at me in the office?"

"Sorry," I grin, insincerely.

He runs two fingers down the opening in my blouse, playing with the top button.

"I'm on the shortest of fuses as it is right now," he murmurs, green eyes teasing and bright. "Do you _really _want to push me over the edge?"

_Yes. _God, _yes._

I just shrug.

He places one final, lingering kiss on my lips.

"Get out of here before I get us sacked. I still have to finish this report so why don't you go home and get changed and I'll meet you at yours at seven?"

"Okay," I agree, already wondering what he's going to wear tonight and imagining how yummy he will look.

At home, I select black and purple lace underwear and a simple black satin dress, strapless and knee-length. I give my hair as much volume as I can with large Velcro rollers and hair spray and carefully apply smokey eye shadow. I feel pleased when I study my reflection - I look...sexy, which is definitely my aim for tonight.

I meet Edward outside and his slack jaw tells me I've achieved my goal. I hardly notice though because I'm too busy staring at him - my Lord that man _knows _how to dress.

I have never wanted anyone so badly in all my life.

* * *

><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

I have never wanted anyone so badly in all my life.

If the way Bella looked at the Anniversary party knocked me down, the way she looks tonight knocks me down and then runs me over with a lorry.

She is sex personified. She is always beautiful and often sexy but tonight I can hardly concentrate on what she's saying, or even where we're walking, because _all _I can think about is taking her. All I can think about is my mouth on her skin and holding her amazing tits in my palms and getting her warm and undressed in my bed. And finally getting my cock inside her.

_Fucking hell._

"Baby, are you okay?"

"Eh?"

Bella stares up at me, baffled.

"Oh yeah, yeah I'm fine. I've told you that you look _criminally _hot tonight, right?"

She smiles shyly. I want to bite her lip. And her neck. And her nipple-

"Three times."

"Right. Well, you do. Four times." I grin, trying to calm my heartbeat and deflate my dick.

When we arrive The Cavendish, I wonder if I can actually bear to let her out of my sight. The idea of all those arseholes we work with staring at her, chatting to her, greeting her with a kiss on the cheek - ugh, it makes my blood boil.

I check my coat and Bella's shawl/wrap thing but I'm utterly distracted by her closeness. She smells incredible.

"Um, Edward?" she says softly.

"Yeah?" Wow, how do birds make their eyes look so big?

"You're kinda squashing me a tiny bit." She gestures to the arm I have around her waist, practically crushing her into my body.

"Shit. Sorry."

Smooth Ed has left the building.

"Hi Aro," she greets our boss warmly as he approaches.

"Isabella. Absolutely bloody stunning." He paws at her arm and lifts her hand to his lips in a cheesy fashion. Bella smiles indulgently and I remind myself that he's my employer and I kinda like him and I definitely _cannot _rip his arm off.

What the fuck is wrong with me tonight? Jesus, Maggie might be right about needing anger management.

"And Eddie, how's my man of the moment?"

It takes me a moment to even realise what he's talking about, which is truly testament to Bella's distraction abilities. Tonight he'll be announcing my promotion to Head of Sales and Marketing, something I have been waiting for, for a very long time. Except now I'd happily sack it off to take Bella home this instant.

What is it the Yanks say? _Get your head in the game, Cullen._

"Very well, thanks Aro. Should be a great party."

"Oh indeed it should, I've started a tab and have a lovely 18-year old, single malt behind the bar if you fancy a tipple?"

I suspect Aro may have already had a few nips.

"I may well do that, cheers."

"Bella!" Jess squeals, appearing beside us.

"Looking sharp, Boss." She winks theatrically and kisses my cheek. I'm fairly certain I now have bright red lipstick all over me.

"Come on then, love," she says, gently prying Bella from my side. "Not planning on hanging with Management all night, are you?" She adds, in a stage whisper, "Ange is already scoping the best canapés."

Aro just chuckles and eyes Jess's arse as they walk off. And he calls _me _a pervert.

For the next two hours I barely get five minutes to seek out Bella. Instead I keep a distracted eye on her from across the room. She chats and laughs and moves from group to group with ease. I marvel at how far she's come from the shy, awkward girl who attended the last Volturi event. I'm so proud that even after what happened with that psychotic bastard she is still able to be her new self, her true self. And she is so fucking beautiful. I want her so much it's frightening, just as I did six months ago.

Eventually I manage to excuse myself from my colleagues and grab her arm as she's on her way back from the bar. Desperate for a moment alone, I pull us around the corner from the main room and coax her into my arms. I press her gently against the wall and breathe in her hair. She loops her arms around me and holds me just as close.

"I missed you," she whispers and my whole body feels warm. Of course, one particular part feels especially warm to have her pressed so close.

I lift her perfect hair and gently kiss her neck, jaw, cheek, the corner of her mouth. Her lips part in an adorable little sigh.

"Where you been all night?" I whisper against her mouth.

"Around."

I pull back and give her a corny grin. "Where you been all my life?"

"America," she sasses but I cut her off by sucking her bottom lip between mine. She opens her mouth and I wonder how I'll make it through the rest of the evening.

Just as our kiss slips from certificate PG to 15, I hear Aro's voice coming over the mic. I'm up. In more ways than one.

"Bollocks," I mutter reluctantly, letting Bella go.

"Go get 'em," she whispers, her Yankee enthusiasm so contagious. She presses her lips to mine once more before straightening my tie and swiping the lip gloss from my mouth with her thumb. How can that be so bloody sexy? She slips off to join Jess and Angela where they are watching Aro from their place at the bar.

I take a moment to, um, compose myself before slipping out to the crowd. Aro gives his usual speech before finishing up by talking about me.

"As you all know, Edward has been a consistently high biller and successful consultant for several years. He has a fantastic gift for handling clients, especially tricky ones," A scattering of chuckles emit from my colleagues. "And his recent success with the Coleman assignments has been outstanding. I must say a thank you to Jessica at this point too for her fantastic research support." There is applause and Jess jokingly performs a curtsy that turns into a bit of a drunken stumble. I hold in a snigger.

"In addition, Ed's PA Bella, has been a fantastic support on this project." Aro holds my eyes with a smirk. "It seems she and Ed enjoy excellent teamwork."

Predictably, the room erupts into applause, laughter and wolf-whistles. I catch Bella's eye and admire the beautiful blush high on her cheeks as we exchange a grin.

"The combination of the fantastic management of this key account _and _Ed's years of loyalty and hard work mean that as of Volturi's new financial year, Edward Cullen will be taking the position of Head of Sales and Marketing."

More applause from the crowd and cheers from Bella and Jess.

I make my way to the front of the room, thank Aro and begin my pre-prepared mini speech on my plans for the Marketing Search division. I can't help thinking back to how I felt about this promotion when Aro first hinted at it. Back then it meant status and some more money to flash around. It meant another tool to impress the birds with and a new TV surround system for the bachelor pad. It meant more time at the office, more work to bury myself in.

Now, I realise it means something completely different. It's security. It's a company car. It's a better apartment, maybe even a house. It's a future for Bella and I. It means I can take care of her and keep her safe.

After I've said my piece, including my own thank yous to Jess and Bella I meet her at the bar. Everything feels so similar to last time, and yet utterly different. _We're _different, Bella and I. We're happier, stronger people because we met.

"I have a three-fold plan," I murmur in her ear, wrapping my arms around her waist.

"Oh yeah? Will you share?"

I hold out one finger.

"First, buy Bella a drink."

She laughs warmly as I order her a Cosmopolitan. She sips it a little seductively, the naughty madam.

"So what's next?" she smirks.

"Get Bella to dance with me."

She licks her lips and glances towards the dance floor. "Well, that seems doable."

"_You _are doable, cheeky," I mutter, tapping her bum and then guiding her with my hand on the small of her back.

With none of the hesitancy of last time I pull her body close to mine. We move together and I pull her hips in tight against me, not caring who's watching. Almost everyone is drunk by now anyway.

My heart pounds in my chest when, just like before, she slips her hand up my neck and into my hair. Again, my hands involuntary flex with the need to really touch her. She trails her hand from my waist to my stomach and my cock presses hard again my suit trousers.

"I need to get you out of here," I say, shocked by my low voice.

"Yes," she whispers, shivering a little.

Without even pausing to say goodbye, we slip out like we did before, and then finally, _blissfully _we're alone.

Outside it's raining heavily but I barely notice when Bella pulls me into an alley and backs herself up against a wall, pulling me towards her by my tie. We're all mouths and hands and wet clothes. I can taste the rain and the cocktail and, oh God, her, her, _her_.

She hitches her leg around me and I lift her hips, not even caring that her dress has now ridden up. She wraps her legs around me and I press her to the wall, catching the rainwater dripping into her cleavage with my desperate tongue.

I think I might have tried to get inside her in that alley if it weren't for the jeers and wolf whistles of a group of passers by snapping us out of our haze.

"Home. Right now," I practically growl. She answers with a whimper and hastily straightens her dress while I grab her hand to search for a cab. The West End of London at 11 o'clock on a Friday night, in the rain, of course not a single taxi has it's light on.

"Let's take the subway," Bella says eagerly. "I don't care, I just need to get there." She grabs my hair and pulls my face to hers, as if we aren't already on the exact same page.

"I need to be alone with you," she murmurs. "Please."

The tube journey feels like forever but eventually Camden station slides into view and then we're outside again, drenched and desperate.

I barely have my key out of the lock before my hands are fumbling for the zip on Bella's dress. Thankfully, she seems just as greedy as me as she wrenches off my tie and pulls open my shirt between kisses.

"That first time, when I followed you home in the rain," I say, breathless.

Her soft moan tells me she's listening.

"I was so frightened, baby. I'd never felt so unnerved by a woman until then. That kiss," I groan when she uses my belt to pull me towards the bedroom, "I'll never forget it, Bella. I've never wanted to kiss anyone so fucking much."

"Just kiss me, then," she groans. "Kiss me now. Show me, I need you so much, baby..."

"Fuck," I mutter, taking her mouth and pushing the soaked black satin off her body. We tumble to the bed and she writhes under me, her obvious desire beginning to shred the careful control I've been clinging on to by the barest of threads these last few months.

Thirsty for the taste of her skin, I drag my mouth over her collarbone. My fingers stumble in my haste to undo her bra and tear it off and she cries out when I take her hard nipple in my mouth. I grind my steel cock against her thigh.

I push whispers of need into her flesh. "But even then. Even that night, I _never_ knew it could be like this. That I could fucking want..._need _someone like this."

Her whimper almost sounds like a sob when I massage her clit through her underwear.

She murmurs my name over and over as I drag her knickers down and away. I pin her hip with one hand and slide the other down to her pussy. She is wet and slick and exactly as I need her to be. Two fingers slip in so easily that I let out a noise so desperate it startles me.

She reaches her own hands to my fly and the moment her fingers brush the head of my cock the basest of needs takes over. She pulls away my trousers and boxers and strokes me firmly and I realise with perfect clarity I don't want her to make me come with her hands, or her mouth. I don't want to climax on her body this time, streams of my seed just wasting in the air. I want to _take_ her. I want to make her mine, completely and _finally_.

I cover her body with mine, taking her mouth with my tongue the way I want to take her pussy with my cock. I slip against her wetness and eagerly thrust my hips.

"Tonight," I groan. "_Please_..."

The rest of my words die when she crushes her mouth to mine but they flow through my head ungoverned.

_Let me have you. Let me show you. Let me love you._

_Let me fuck you. _

And then, suddenly, the train of desire screeches to a shuddering halt when only one image floats in front my eyes.

Her face. My old room. Southend. Her expression contorted in pain and tears racing down her cheeks as I tried to push inside.

"Wait...stop it!" I wrench myself off her with a strength I never thought I had and collapse on my back beside her. I close my eyes and cover my face with my arm and all I can hear is my ragged breaths and the blood rushing in my ears.

"I almost...I wanted...I'm sorry," I whisper.

I hear her move close to me but I don't look at her. I can't without feeling either guilty or losing myself in her body again.

Her voice is so quiet I can barely hear it over the rain hitting the windows and my own heartbeat.

"Don't."

My heart sinks to the floor.

Don't.

No.

Stop.

Of course. She's not ready and I'm some kind of fucking animal, barely a step up from Jacob.

She leans nearer and I can smell her perfume. I feel her move her lips to my ear.

"Don't say sorry."

I don't breathe, don't move.

"Don't stop."

I'm silent and she says my name. She slides her hand across my chest, down my stomach. I reach out and grab it.

"Please, Sweetheart," my voice is broken and weak. "Don't..._tease._I can't...I'm not in control right now. I'm afraid," I swallow. "I'm afraid I'll hurt you."

She sighs and the bed shifts as I feel her lean over me. Is she trying to _actually _kill me?

"Edward," she says in a stronger voice. "Baby, look at me."

She pulls my arm away from my face, I open my eyes. She stares back with such sincerity it makes my breath catch.

"I don't want you to be in control."

I stare.

"I don't want you to stop."

I breathe in.

"_I want you inside me._"

"But-" she cuts me off with her finger on my lips.

"You're not going to hurt me. I promise."

She removes her finger and brushes her lips against mine.

"I'm _ready_."

I take a breath to steady my voice, I try to stop my heart crashing out of my chest.

"Bella, you haven't finished your therapy. Maggie-"

"Maggie doesn't know everything." She straddles me. "She doesn't know about _us_."

She kneels up, taking my hand to pull me with her.

Her eyes are so full of determination and passion, I can't look away.

"It's like you said in the park. I trust it. This is _bigger _than us. This connection-" she smiles so simply, so fucking beautifully, "it's taking over."

"I love you." She says the words so simply, like they solve everything. Like nothing else matters but that fact.

Maybe it doesn't.

She slowly guides my hand between her legs, encourages my fingers inside her.

"Feel how wet I am, baby. How _open_. I want to feel _all _of you."

She is so wet, so ready it brings my cock back to life. Does she feel normal now? Can we do this? I'm so used to feeling only Bella I've forgotten how other women feel.

I slide my fingers back and forth and she finally breaks eye contact to drop her head back like her neck is made of rubber. I move my thumb over her hard clit and she let's out a cry that I end up almost mirroring. I curl my fingers until I find _that _spot, that place I taught her about. She shivers and shudders and I place my mouth on her throat and then she suddenly pulls back.

"Did I hurt you?"

"Ugh, _no_," she almost growls and I have to hold back a grin. She stares at me.

"I don't want to come like that."

She pushes me back and leans over me again.

"I want...your dick...inside me."

And just like that the guilt clears away. My worries fade a little. Everything feels...simple.

"Okay."

She draws a deep breath.

"Okay?"

* * *

><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

"Okay." He smiles.

We fall back into each other and it's exactly like before but at the same time totally different. We are desperate and needy but a calm has settled over us too. There is certainty and a little patience.

Everything is familiar, his lips, his hands, his smell, and yet there is something new too, something fresh and exciting.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, but it is nothing like the fear sex has brought to me before. Maggie has shown me I can be strong, that I can control my own body. I know who I am now, and exactly what I'm capable of.

"God, Edward," I whimper when he brings me to the brink _again_. I feel his cock between my legs. "Now..._please_."

And then he's gone, kneeling at the edge of the bed while I shiver in the cold air.

"What are you doing?"

He shoots me a shy smile over his shoulder.

"We need a condom, Sweetheart."

Right.

Um...

"Actually...we don't."

He pauses with his hand halfway in his nightstand and frowns.

"We don't?"

"No...I, I kinda went to the doctors and...got the shot."

He stares at me. Then slowly closes the drawer and crawls towards me. He lifts me by my ass and lowers me to his lap, wrapping my legs around him. He rocks his pelvis and I bite my lip to keep from moaning.

"You went on contraception without telling me?" his tone is accusing but he's smiling a little as his kisses a trail from my shoulder to my hairline.

"Kinda."

He moves to face me, his expression more serious.

"You planned this?"

"No, not exactly. It was...just in case, you know?"

He nods and kisses me, softly, sensually.

"I love you," he murmurs. "I'm going to show you how much."

I shiver as his leans forward to lay me on the bed beneath him. My heart races and I take a few breaths to try to steady it. The weight of his body on top of me makes me feel so warm, so safe. He reaches between us and slowly strokes my clit; I couldn't be more ready. He adjusts his cock so we're completely lined up and I try not to hold my breath. Then I feel him chuckle a little.

I raise an eyebrow. He runs a hand over his face.

"It's silly but...I actually feel a little nervous myself."

I smile and frame his face with my hands.

"Well that makes two of us."

I feel him start to slowly push forward before he says:

"Bella, if it hurts you _have_ to tell me okay?"

I nod. I stare into his eyes. "Look at me. No hiding this time. I have my eyes wide open."

He kisses me, strokes me and _so _slowly begins to push inside.

There is familiar stretching and a slight, dull ache but nothing like before. I remember everything I've learnt, I keep control of my muscles.

Edward lets out a breathless curse and I concentrate on his face, his furrowed brow, his escalated breathing.

I feel fuller and it's tight but it's not painful.

More, further, another inch. There's the tiniest twinge of pain and I feel panic rise for a second but one look at Edward's face helps me to push it away.

"Are you all the way in?" I ask, hardly breathing.

"Almost..." he groans, his voice strained and his face buried in my neck. Another push from his hips and- "_Yes_."

I'm scared to move, or breathe. Everything feels surreal. I can feel him inside me - full and hard and throbbing a little. And it's okay. It doesn't hurt. It's..._fucking amazing_.

"Oh fuck," he whispers. "Oh God...Bella. So tight, baby. _So fucking good_."

"I can feel you," I can hear the wonder in my own voice. "I can feel you inside me. It's..."

"I know, _fuck, _I know."

He moves his hips back a fraction and I contract my muscles, testing myself.

"_Jesus_..."

I guess he felt that then. He stills and I realise, just like always, he's waiting for me.

I grasp the hair at the back of his neck.

"Move, baby. I'm totally okay."

He pulls half way out and slides back in, and again, and again. Each time is easier but I'm still a little afraid to break my concentration.

He pumps his hips a little quicker, he gasps every time his hips are flush with mine.

"Bella...Bella, never before. Oh God, it's _never _been like this."

I relax into his rhythm, every moment without pain making me more and more confident.

"We're doing this..."

"Yes," he grunts. "Fuck, yes we are."

I move my hips with his, pushing against him, and he breathes needy breaths in time with mine. He pushes and grinds and we both moan.

"This is...I can't even. Inside you, baby. It's..._fuck_...I can't get enough."

I groan my agreement and he moves the pace up a little.

He pulls his head back to look into my eyes. His are dark and heavy and strained.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"More?"

"_Yes_."

"Wrap your legs around me."

I do and his slips deeper and it catches me off guard, but still there's no pain.

"So good, so good. Fucking hell." Every word he says makes me shiver and clench around him.

"Show me what to do," I suddenly feel so inexperienced and want to make this even better for him.

"_Show you_?" he groans. "Baby...I don't need to...show you. I'm barely holding on...as it is."

He collapses his head against my shoulder again, losing himself, groaning over and over.

He's still going quite slowly though.

"Don't you want to...go faster?"

"I can't. I'm so fucking close."

He lifts his head, capturing my lips and kissing me hard. His kisses are sloppy and desperate and he moves over and over between my legs until the beginnings of my climax start to build. We forget kissing and just breathe each other's air.

"Baby...can you come? Are you close?" his eyes are wild.

And the truth is I don't know if I can. I'm just happy to be doing this at all.

He must read some truth in my face. He halts his hips and traces a hand down my cheek, frowning.

"Of course you're not. Fuck, I'm a dick."

"No," I cry a little desperate for him to carry on before something changes, before it hurts. "Don't stop. It's okay, I don't need to. I just want you to come inside me. Please!"

He moves again, slow and steady, and I watch him close his eyes in restraint and pleasure before opening them again to look at me.

"Sweetheart, after _all _of this do you honestly think I'm going to finish without you?"

"But what if I-"

"You _can,_" he groans, pushing forward. "You can."

He moves faster and deeper. He brings a hand between us and touches my clit until I'm shaking. He slips his hand underneath my ass to pull me up to meet him. I rock against him and meet every thrust.

"Just relax," he gasps. "You don't need to concentrate anymore, okay?"

"But-"

"But nothing. Don't _think_, Bella. Just feel. We are doing this and it's perfect...God, it's perfect."

His words in my ear and his cock reaching that deep place that only he can reach have tingles beginning deep in my vagina.

"Just feel, baby. Just feel me. I'm inside you. _Finally _inside you. You're so hot and wet and I can feel everything."

He moves faster, thrusts harder and I gasp and moan.

He grinds against my clit with each thrust and my orgasm builds and builds and I realise I _can _come. I will come.

"That's it. Oh God, that's it. I can feel you clenching me with your pussy."

"Harder, Edward."

"_Yes_."

"Faster."

"I can't, baby. I need to hold off." He stares into my eyes, desperate. "I _need _you to come. I need it. Do you understand?"

More and more and higher and harder and I wonder if I'll actually stop breathing. And still his words in my ear - dirty and honest and exactly what I need.

"Feel it all. My fingers on your clit. My dick in your pussy."

"Edward," I must be breathing if I can say his name. "_Edward_."

"Yes. Mine."

"Close."

"Come on then, baby come for me. Come _around _me."

And I do. With Edward inside me for the very first time. With his eyes burning into mine and his hands gripping my hips, the hardest orgasm of my life ravages my entire body.

It's still going when his thrusts suddenly become faster and more erratic and he gasps into my shoulder how much he loves being inside me, how much he loves me before freezing and emptying everything he has inside me.

The room is oddly silent besides our breathing. I feel like pinching my skin to prove that really just happened, but the slightly uncomfortable feeling of fluid inside, as well as Edward's softening erection, is reminder enough.

He lifts his head and meets my eyes and I can feel a grin tugging at my mouth.

"We just had sex," I whisper.

He smiles back and don't think I've ever seen him so relaxed.

"Yeah." He leans down to give me a slow, passionate kiss. "We did."

He gingerly pulls out of me and I gasp, it feels so odd.

"Are you alright? Does it hurt?"

I shake my head. "No. Just a little ache. No more than it would if I were normal-"

And with that word - _normal _- everything crashes down. Every moment of my life up to now when I have longed to be normal, when I have felt like a freak or a child or a sub-level person because of this one simple, _normal_, act I couldn't do plays out in my mind. The sheer fucking _relief _hits me like a wrecking ball and before I even realise it sobs are shaking my whole body and Edward is holding me as close as he possibly can.

He says nothing, just holds me and rocks me and kisses my hair until I manage to get control of myself. As my tears stop I grip him harder.

"I'm sorry, I'm just..."

"I know. I understand. I'm relieved too. So much." He kisses me. "Christ, you're just amazing."

"_You're _amazing," I tell him, kissing him and holding him as if he might disappear. We lie facing each other and I stare into his emerald eyes while he stares back, smiling.

"Thank you for fixing me."

He shakes his head. "Bella, I _never_ thought you were broken."

**A/N**

***releases breath* So, there you have it. Thank you so much to everyone who has waited so patiently for Britward and Yankella to FINALLY do the deed, I really hope I haven't disappointed anyone. Sadly, we're on the home straight now, I think there will only be two or three more chapters - I actually want to cry just thinking about saying goodbye to my beloved Britward. But, fear not, as next chapter they will _definitely_ be making up for lost time.**

******I'm not above begging for reviews this time. Please please PLEASE click that button and share your thoughts *bites nails*******

**Rec Time **

**My recent reading list includes: **

**Last Call by _Robsmyyummy Cabanaboy_ - I am DESPERATELY late to this party but boy am I glad I came! Yummy's Callward is the sexiest, sweetest Cabanna Boy/hotel owner you'll ever encounter.**

**Under The Master's Kilt by my fabulous pre-reader _ladyeire3_ - This cheeky drabble has just begun posting so get it while it's hot hot hot. **

**Try by _shellshock81_ - I'm ashamed to admit that despite being Shell's friend for a good long while I had no idea she was also an incredibly talented writer until she recently began posting this wonderful story. This adorable and smoking hot foray into the world of Kiwi rugby will have your heart racing for sure. **

**Love and thanks**  
><strong> Amber x<strong>


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N**

**Ready for another dose of fictose? I'm not gonna lie, this entire chapter is almost entirely made up of fluff and lemons - in fact, I'm thinking of turning it into a lemon meringue pie! ;-) But, you know, I'm not even sorry. Britward and Yankella have definitely earned it. As have I, as have _you_ guys - my sweet, patient, wonderful readers. Enjoy! :)**

**Deepest thanks to my top "Searchers" - Trip, Lady V and H xxx**

**EPOV**

It's hard for me to remember now, the reasons that stopped me playing piano for all those years; the frustration, the disappointment and anger, at my dad and at myself. Now my playing is all about Bella. Bella's voice, Bella's body, Bella's laugh. Every note, every chord, is associated with her. It's a good job I have this outlet or I would be a complete loser who has no life besides following his girlfriend around like a puppy. Yep, safe to say, playing allows me to keep my bollocks intact, which is handy, I think Bella quite likes them.

Sometimes I play familiar old pieces, sometimes I learn something new. Mostly, I write. The piece I began for Bella when I first bought the _Feurich_ has grown and grown. For a while I had no idea how to end it. Now I have.

_Funny that, Cullen, I wonder where that particular burst of inspiration came from..._

I grin to myself as I finish scribbling down the final phrase in the well-worn manuscript book next to me, unnecessary really as I'm sure these notes are sketched on my soul.

I check the clock and decide to play it through one more time before I go find my gorgeous girl, where she's reading in my bed. Our bed, really, since we've barely been apart, or out of it, for several weeks.

_Making up for lost time..._

I begin to play, losing myself in the music. I've no idea if it's any good, at this point I'm entirely unable to hear it objectively. Every rise and fall of the notes and change in tempo is linked to our relationship, ending in that final crescendo. That fucking amazing night last month when I pushed inside her and discovered what had been missing from sex during my 29 years.

I don't think I could ever play this in public. It must be like when an erotica novelist writes down her dirtiest fantasy and then realises she has to publish it for the whole world to see.

As I reach the close of the tune I close my eyes and remember everything - the taste of rain on her skin, her voice whispering my name, her incredible, warm pussy enclosing me so perfectly after waiting so long. The feeling of coming inside her, and having her come around me.

Shit, is it okay to get a hard-on at your piano?

I reach the end, pull my hands away and sit back with a deep breath.

"You finished it?" Bella's quiet voice enquires from behind me.

I turn to the side and watch my stunning girlfriend walk towards me wearing a short black satin robe, and stockings and..._something_ underneath, the merest hint of lace revealed at her cleavage.

"Yeah," I murmur, pushing my stool back slightly and tugging her towards me to stand between my legs.

She leans down and presses her mouth against mine, her silky hair brushing my face. She pulls back and slips her hands in my hair and I make some sort of embarrassing humming noise.

"It's gorgeous," she whispers.

"So is the girl it's about."

I hold her eyes with mine while my fingers tug at the satin, her robe falling softly open. I rake my gaze down her body - breasts barely contained within a partially transparent black corset, her perfect creamy skin and the slightest flush on her chest. Lace detail, two tiny dark blue bows at her hips. _Fuck me_...suspender clips hooked onto sheer black stockings and the tiniest pair of black satin knickers I've ever laid eyes on.

"Christ." I run my hands down her sides and grip her tiny waist, tugging her closer. "I might have to write a whole bloody symphony."

I touch my open mouth to the curve of her breast, and dip my tongue beneath the lace at the top of the corset. I bring one hand to the centre of her chest and feel her heart fluttering quickly beneath my palm.

"I was lonely upstairs," she whispers, sighing. I slip my hands down to her bottom, pulling her close, practically onto my lap. I run my mouth along her collarbone.

"I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean to keep you waiting."

She tugs my hair until I look up at her with a groan. My once-innocent girl cocks her eyebrow, the hint of a smile playing on her lips.

"How will you make it up to me?"

I grin back and stand, abruptly gripping her arse and lifting her onto the polished ebony surface of my piano. Her eyes blaze a little and I smirk. I pull her to the edge, dull notes ringing out when I place her stockinged feet on the keys. I bring my stool close and sit, my face perfectly lined up with her open legs.

I move in and start placing tiny, teasing kisses on her inner thighs. I move up one leg, reaching the top and placing a tiny kiss over her satin-covered pussy, before making my way back down the other. I run my hand up her calf, lifting her leg to rest on my shoulder, moving closer still.

"Lean back."

She places her hands behind her, tossing her head back with a tiny whimper. I lift my eyes to take in the sight of a lingerie-clad Bella Swan stretched across the top of my piano, a growing patch of wetness visibly darkening the material between her legs.

Using the leg I'm holding as support I lift her slightly to pull her knickers down her legs, tossing them over my shoulder. Her lips are glistening and I've barely even touched her.

"So wet already," I murmur, tracing a finger through her folds and watching in fascination as her liquid makes contact with the wood.

"I was wet before I came downstairs, just thinking about you," she says, breathless. "Just thinking about _this_."

I can't hold back if she's going to say things like that.

I move forwards and run my tongue over her clit, down her lips. I push it inside her.

She gasps and writhes a little. Then she lifts her head and says:

"Play."

I raise my face to look at her, eyebrow cocked.

"Play our song, baby. Play it while you lick me."

She knows exactly how to control me with words.

"I'm not great at multi-tasking, Sweetheart," I wink. "That's why I have a PA."

She smiles. "Try."

I place my hands on her thighs, pushing her legs further apart and lifting her feet away from the keys.

"You'd better hold on, baby."

I draw my stool close, stretch my head forward, place my hands over the familiar keys and begin.

I start slow, both my hands and my mouth. Soft, longing notes mirrored by gentle strokes of my tongue. She makes an adorable mewing sound and I can't help smiling against her flesh.

Barely even needing to think my fingers skim over the keys of their own accord, telling our story in music; intrigue, disappointment, desire, longing, learning, knowing, _wanting_. Our first kiss, learning the truth, _telling_ the truth. Frustration, need, restraint...

I match the speed and strength of the notes with my mouth on her pussy before reaching that final crescendo - relief, release, _at last_. I quicken my pace on her clit and her needy cries are the perfect accompaniment to the final bars of our song.

The last chord rings out to the quiet room and I hear her whisper: "Wow."

My erection throbs, still caged inside my jeans. My hands shake a little.

She sits up slightly, resting her feet back on the keyboard.

"The end..." She takes a shaky breath. "It's about us...our first time, the first time we...?"

"Yes," I whisper, wondering if she can feel the heat of my embarrassment where my cheek rests against her thigh.

I lift my head, meeting her dark eyes.

"I can't wait anymore, Bella."

She shakes her head, agreeing.

With sudden haste I scramble to rip open my fly and drag my jeans and boxers down my ankles. I don't think I'll ever stop needing her.

I pick her up to pull her onto my lap and her legs straddle mine. I feel her wetness on my cock and groan into her neck.

"Now?"

"Yes"

She lifts slightly and I position myself at her entrance. She grips my shoulders and sinks down slowly, never once taking her eyes away from mine.

Tight, hot, perfect - like nothing else. Nothing else has been this good. Every time has been the best.

I close my eyes in pleasure, gripping her hips. She keeps one hand on my shoulder, nails digging into my skin, and I hear the piano again when she reaches out the other to lean on it for leverage.

"Jesus, Edward..."

"_I know_."

Slowly, surely, she begins to move. Lifting and sinking, gripping me from the inside. She rests her head on my shoulder, breathing quickening breaths into my neck.

I push my hips up with her rhythm, perfectly in synch like we have somehow always been since that first night. Pleasure builds and builds like the best fucking symphony ever written.

"Yes. Fuck,_ yes_, Baby. Ride me..."

She answers with a needy moan that makes my balls throb.

Faster, harder, more. We rock, and thrust and _ache_.

"I'm gonna come," I tell her, relieved when she does too, milking me with every spasm of her pussy.

She collapses her head onto me and I rest my own against the hot skin of her chest.

We're quiet for a few moments, catching our breath, finding our bearings. There really are no words for this but still she finds some.

"I_ really_ love fucking you, Edward Cullen."

I bark out a breathless laugh. "I've noticed! Who knew I was unleashing such a dirty-talking, nympho, eh?"

She giggles and lifts herself off my lap to sit beside me on the piano stool. The truth is we're lucky. After that first night things seem to have dropped quite easily into place. I'd be lying if I said Bella wasn't sometimes still nervous and I wasn't sometimes still cautious about hurting her, but in truth what I had hoped for seems to be proving true. We're built for each other, in sex as well as everything else.

I graze my hand down her back and kiss the slightly salty skin on her neck, while she reaches out to the piano keys and slowly and carefully plays the one scale I've managed to teach her.

She smiles gently and turns to me.

"So I'm thinking you need to do something else with your piano playing?"

I give her a half-serious frown. "Oh yeah, like what?"

She shrugs, brushing some hair back from her face. She's so deliciously dishevelled I already want her again.

"I know anything serious is out of the question, you've made your thoughts on that very clear and I'd never push you that way. _But_ you're way too talented for me to be your only audience, Edward."

She gestures towards the ivory. "_Maybe_ you should share this with someone else."

I chuckle and play with the ties at the bottom of her corset.

"Sweetheart, I really think _that_ should be kept between you and I."

She blushes a tiny bit, nudging me playfully. "Just the _music_, Mister."

I stroke my fingertips over the keys, considering. The truth is I _have_ fallen back in love with playing. Would it be so terrible to try and get some gigs?

"Is this it? The song you wrote about us?" She fingers the manuscript paper.

"Yeah."

"Can I look?"

"Of course."

She traces my scrawled and etched notes with her fingertips while I lean down and kiss her shoulder, sliding my hand over her stomach. I don't think I'll ever tire of touching her.

A plastic wallet slips out the back of the notebook and she hastily saves it from the floor, scanning her eyes over the contents.

"Research, baby?" she asks, smirking slightly.

"Something like that."

She begins thumbing through the stack of property details - small houses in Islington, Balham, Camden and other London boroughs.

"_Holy shit_!" she exclaims, catching sight of the prices.

I grimace. "That's London, baby."

She turns towards me, throwing her leg over the stool to straddle it. She snuggles close, running her hands through my hair.

"I like_ this_ apartment."

"So do I, but it's not for sale." I gently hold her face in my hands, kissing her. "Maybe I want to put down roots."

What I don't say is that I want to buy a house for both of us. I don't say how I'd really like to leave this apartment behind, along with all its bachelor accessories, along with the old me. What I don't tell her about are the properties in the back of that folder, that I hope she doesn't stumble across before I've had a chance to talk to her about it.

I pretty much forget about all of that when she begins kissing me more intently. When her hand brushes my reawakening cock.

I groan and press closer to her touch.

"Enough talk. Can I see your tits now, please?"

"Such a boy!"

"Thank Christ."

I encourage her to her feet, facing her away from me and begin deftly undoing the laces on the back of her basque. Inspired, I lean down and pull them through the holes with my teeth, trailing my mouth and tip of my tongue up her spine at every point the flesh is slowly revealed, causing Bella to tremble slightly.

"I love it when I make you shiver."

She just hums in agreement.

Finally free from her lingerie prison I slip the material away, cupping her bare breasts in my hands. She turns around in my arms and I take her nipple in my mouth, while she moans quietly and pushes nearer.

I stand up and silently lift her into my arms. I carry her over to the sofa, already eager to be inside her again.

"I will _never_ get enough of you, Ms Swan," I murmur, covering her with my whole body and slipping myself inside.

"Never," she agrees, tossing her head back, sighing when I find her throat and suck. I thrust forward gently, she's so slick from her juices and my previous release. We're slow and deep this time, like there's all the time in the world.

* * *

><p>On Wednesday lunchtime I meet Alice for our regular monthly lunch date. One that I've missed for three months due to my increased workload and my increased need to be near Bella.<p>

"Hey, Sis." I bend the obligatory two feet to kiss her cheek.

She grins sarcastically. "Thank you for fitting me into your ultra-busy schedule."

"Don't be a brat." I shove her towards our usual table.

We sit down and Alice gives me the strangest, defensive look. I ignore her whilst pointlessly skimming the menu before shrugging and saying:

"Usual?"

"Obviously."

The usual consists of a bottle of Peroni, a Kopparberg, a spaghetti carbonara, a meatball penne and our combined body weight in bruschetta.

"So, how's tricks?" I ask, after the waitress drops off our drinks.

Alice continues to give me the suspicious, evil eye.

"All right, enough, why are you looking at me like I sat on your kitten?"

She leans back and takes a casual mouthful of cider.

"I'm just waiting for the lecture to commence."

"Lecture?" One day my sister will talk in English and my life will be a_ lot_ simpler.

"Yes, sweet brother, the lecture about why it's too soon to move in with Jasper and your explanation for telling him such a thing."

"Oh." I grimace and begin peeling the label off my bottle. "That."

Is there any chance I'll ever again be able to tell either my sister or my closest friend something and not have it be repeated straight back to the other?

"Why are you being a prick about it?"

I'm guessing no.

The truth is I _was_ a little alarmed when J first said he was thinking of asking Alice to move into the Islington flat with him. He has just split up with his wife and...she's my little sister. I'd murder him before I let him rush into something and hurt her, best friend or not.

But then I thought about it. And when I say thought about it, I mean thought about Bella, and how her divorce is only just being finalised, and yet all I've been able to think about for the last few months is being able to wake up next to her every day. I don't want her to have to keep going back to her apartment, or me to mine. I want us to come home together every night to a house we both live in.

At that point I pulled my head out of my arse and decided if Bella and I were ready to live together, then perhaps my sister and J are too. Maybe I was being an overprotective dick.

Alice is giving me the cocked eyebrow and pursed lips. She's the world's scariest midget.

I take a deep breath and raise my hands against any verbal violence she may decide to direct at me.

"Look, my advice-"

She snorts.

"My..._opinion_, may have been a little hasty. I admit it."

"Really?" She sounds surprised.

"Yeah. I mean, he loves you, right? And you're happy, aren't you?"

Her face softens completely, and I'm thinking it's because her head is now filled with Jasper.

"The happiest I've ever been."

"And Mistress Mental is completely out of the picture?"

"Absolutely."

I shrug. "Then who am I to stand in your way? After all, what the hell do I know?"

Alice laughs, irritatingly.

"Oh indeed! You are the last person to offer advice."

"Right," I agree, begrudgingly. "So...shall I call Jasper and retract my threat to beat him up if he shacks up with you?"

She laughs and snorts a little. Attractive. It's so easy to understand what he sees in her.

"No!" she giggles. "As if Jasper listened to you anyway! I gave notice on my flat last week."

I try to look annoyed but end up chuckling myself.

"It's been the better part of 30 years and I still keep thinking my younger sister will actually listen to me at some point. What a fucking fool I am."

She smiles sweetly. "You are my favourite brother though."

"I'm your _only_ brother."

"A technicality."

I'm shaking my head, resigned, when the waitress brings over our food. We tuck in and then Alice, as casually as she can, says:

"So why the change of heart then?"

"What do you mean?" I hedge.

She smiles slowly. "Well...a few weeks ago you were certain that six months was too soon for a couple to move in together and now...a complete 180." Her eyes twinkle. "Could a certain American girl have something to do with it?"

"You tell me, you're the bloody fortune teller!"

"Yeah, good one." But she squirms in her seat, never overly comfortable discussing her strange...gift.

Oh why fight it? Alice has always been able to read me like a book anyway. I allow the smile that's battling to overtake my face to win.

"Okay, yes. I just think maybe I'm ready for her to...well, not have to go home."

"Oh you silver-tongued charmer you!" Ali teases. "Make sure that's exactly how you phrase it when you ask her, eh?"

"Shut up, I'm happy."

My sister gives me a soft, genuine smile. "Yeah, I know. It's awesome."

She takes a bite of carbonara.

"So what you thinking? When? Where? How you gonna ask her?"

"Well since I've had this pay rise I've been thinking I might buy somewhere in the city anyway. So it's kinda the perfect opportunity to think about it."

"And what does Bella reckon?"

"Well..." I slice a meatball in half.

"So you haven't mentioned it?_ Ed_!"

"I'm just waiting for the perfect moment."

Alice rolls her eyes. "Oh Lord, you really are Mr Romance these days. Look, you're not bloody proposing, just ask her!"

"Yeah I know. I _will_. I think she knows it's on the cards anyway, she keeps catching me looking on Rightmove."

"Believe me, bro, until you ask her she doesn't know. You just can't read men that way, even soppy ones like you."

The thing is it's not quite as simple as that for us. She's American. A house is a big commitment; it means she's planning on making this country her home on a really permanent basis. And I know she's said that's what she wanted, but I still don't want to freak her out, she is only just divorcing. Plus, if I'm being completely honest, there are other options that have been playing on my mind, _outside_ of London...

"How is Bella anyway?" Alice asks. "After...everything."

Bella knows how close I am with my sister and told me she's happy for me to tell her everything if I want to, but I still think that's completely private. And the fact is it isn't that relevant now anyway, considering we've...overcome the issue. We had our final session with Maggie last weekend, which was oddly bittersweet. She's a lovely lady and I will never be able to thank her enough for what she did for Bella, and for me. Not to mention the few anger management sessions we had. I was so sceptical at first but actually it really helped. She made me talk about Tanya, and the abortion and all that stuff I'd been burying, and I did feel better for it.

We even gave Maggie the bottle of champagne we'd talked about, and Bella gave her a beautiful green scarf she'd found weeks before in Camden market, which she said made her think of Maggie instantly. Maggie became uncharacteristically flustered at our little presents and big thanks, stuttering that she isn't suppose to accept things from clients, but I smiled when I saw her already draping the scarf around her neck and affectionately fingering the material.

She's never mentioned her own personal life, quite understandably, but we noticed she didn't wear a wedding ring. In this soppy, loved-up state I appear to be permanently in these days, I couldn't help but hope as we said goodbye that she has a good bloke in her life to take care of her. Maybe this Dr Banner she mentioned a few times during our one-to-one sessions, during which her tone betrayed their relationship to be possibly more than just professional. She deserves happiness after everything she has done for Bella and I, and no doubt countless other patients.

"Eddie?"

I come out of my thoughts when Alice waves her fork between us.

"Sorry. Um...yeah, Bella's doing well thanks."

"Any more word from Washington about her psycho ex?"

Due to her weird hunch, which I will be eternally grateful to my sister for, Alice did have to be told about Jake and the attacks.

"He's still in the loony bin, apparently. But he's doing okay."

I don't think my own feelings on Jacob will ever really change. I feel less murderous now I know Bella is safe and he can't get to her, but will I ever feel the dash of sympathy Bella seems to? I don't think so. He threatened the safety of my girl and I can never forgive that. But I can accept that he and Bella shared many years, and that she knew him before he became what I witnessed, so if she wants to feel small elements of pity that's understandable I guess. Just as long as the guilt is gone, and with Maggie's help  
>I think it is.<p>

"And he's signed the papers? Bella is a free woman?"

"Yeah," I can't help smiling. She's free of him, but she's definitely mine, just as I'm hers.

Alice continues to smile gently.

"So there's nothing to stand in your way."

"Nope," I smile back, taking a mouthful of pasta.

"Good," Alice says. "I am relieved I have to say. I'd been wondering if I'd ever get any nieces or nephews out of you."

"Steady on!" I cry, before choking and coughing around a bit of penne that has become suddenly lodged in my throat. But when I can breathe again, I can't entirely ignore the warm feeling that spreads through my chest at my sister's words.

Some of that heat must make it to my face because when I look up to take a big gulp of soothing beer I can't help but notice Alice quietly smirking around her fork.

I clear my throat. "_Anywa_y...I'm thinking maybe I'll talk to her about moving in together when we're home this weekend for the fireworks."

"Sounds good."

We avoid the heavy for the rest of our lunch and indulge in our usual pointless banter until I decide I need to get back to the office.

"So is J coming down this weekend?" I ask, helping her into her coat.

"Yep." Her eyes sparkle and I can't help feeling thrilled for them both to have found each other. Somehow, despite all our histories and mistakes, everything is coming up roses for us all.

"We're lucky bastards, you know that Al?"

She hugs into my side and I kiss the top of her head.

Pulling back with a grin, she says, "The luckiest."

* * *

><p>By the time I get back to the office I wish I hadn't bothered taking a break at all. All that awaits me is a heaving inbox and five messages. But that's just how it is I guess - you take a promotion and you have to take the downsides as well as the rewards. I now have management responsibility for a small team - two consultants, Jess and another researcher and technically Bella. I'm yet to get the word from Aro on how that will be handled. Can anyone say "conflict of interest"?<p>

I'm responsible for my own figures _and_ a portion of theirs; this is a little unnerving as I don't mind my own head being on the block - I thrive on it in fact - but having to make sure someone else isn't falling behind is much more responsibility than the old Ed would have wanted to handle. Luckily, the new Ed is mature enough. Mostly. And we're fortunate enough to still be receiving a fair amount of work, which I happily delegate to the other consultants in my team. At the moment though, we're so busy we're all drowning.

Still, I also have a nicer office, a significant pay rise, a company car and a higher limit on my company credit card. So, every cloud.

"Hey," Bella says standing next to my desk and looking about as flushed and harassed as I feel.

"Hiya," I greet, casually. Keeping things professional at work has always been tricky but now? Christ, the need to touch her, however subtly, or even call her by an endearment is so difficult to resist.

She hands me some paperwork and a mug of coffee and I smile gratefully.

"You're my fucking hero, you know that?" I mutter quietly.

She shrugs. "It's just coffee, Edward."

I shake my head, lower my voice. "It's not just coffee, it's everything." My hands twitch and I feel the need to sit on them or something. "_You_ are everything."

Her eyes turn a little soft, PA Bella morphing into girlfriend Bella.

She leans down a little closer, reaching across me for some invoice letters I've signed. Does she know I can see right down her shirt at this angle?

I watch her face, a small smile playing on her lips. Oh yeah, she knows.

"So are you," she whispers, before dashing out as quickly as she entered.

Yep, one hundred per cent professional at all times.

The afternoon flies on, way too quickly. Meetings, phone calls and emails, demanding clients, needy candidates and countless interview reports - it all merges into one mess of mayhem. Darkness falls and we carry on. Before I know it, I glance out of the glass and the rest of the office is deserted.

Of course, I spot my girl still studiously working, her desk one of the few left illuminated by the lights above our section.

I walk out and stand next to her.

"Hey, what time is it?"

She looks up with a tired smile. "Almost eight."

Confident that we're alone in the office I give in and stroke my fingers along the back of her bare neck. Her hair is held up in a pile by...a _Biro_?

"You should go home, I don't know how long I'll be but you shouldn't have to stay."

She faces me, glancing around before reaching for my hand and playing with my fingers.

"No, it's okay, I want to stay and help. You're working on the KCE shortlist, right?"

"Yeah."

"What can I do? If I help, we'll both be out of here quicker, right?" She places a kiss on my fingers. "I'd rather that than go home to an empty apartment without you."

God, I want to kiss her.

We work for another hour and get the shortlist finished, and email out all the reports and _CV_s ready for a catch-up meeting with the client first thing tomorrow.

Bella enters my office and collapses on the seat opposite mine with a big sigh.

"We're done?"

"Yep!" I begin logging off my computer with relief.

"Crazy day, huh?" She crosses her legs and I notice just the flash of the top of her stockings. I drag my eyes upwards to her shirt - dishevelled and an extra button undone, black bra peeking out.

Suddenly I don't feel quite so tired.

I clear my throat. "Um, yes, very."

She grins. "_Edward_...stop looking at me that way. Or at least, save it for when we get home." She winks and it's all over.

"Close the door." I tell her seriously, not mirroring her playful tone.

She stares at me for a brief moment, I watch her pupils dilate a little. _Yeah, you know exactly what's going to happen, Sweetheart_. She quickly stands and walks over to the door to close it, I stare at her arse. Fuck, my bird can wear a pencil skirt.

"And the blinds." There's nobody here but you can't be too careful.

She saunters back to me, well aware of what the sway of her hips and the devilish look in her eyes does to me.

"Come here," I demand, pushing my chair back from my desk a little. I tug her until she's standing with her feet on either side of mine.

"What are you doing, Mr Cullen?"

Both my hands grasp her arse and pull her towards me until she has no choice but to stumble into my lap. She slowly lifts her tight skirt high enough to straddle her legs comfortably on either side of me.

I hum quietly and bring her closer, her crotch now pressed tightly against mine. I look up and my expression show her exactly how much I want her, not to mention the rock hard erection she must feel.

I place a hand on the back of her neck and tug her face firmly towards me. I whisper against her lips, never releasing her eyes.

"Something I've thought about almost every day since the moment we met."

We crash our lips together and it's not gentle or teasing, it's rough and needy. It's our tongues reaching instantly for each other. It's the fucking ecstasy of our tastes combined. She moans into my mouth and I rock my hips, rubbing my dick more firmly against her, until she groans louder. I find the pen in her hair and knock it out to the floor, digging my hands roughly into the mass of brown waves. I press her body into mine exactly how I want it, turning our heads to kiss deeper and deeper, and she's just as rough with me. The little noises she keeps making only spur me on.

Eager to taste more of her I wrench my mouth away from hers and find the pulse point in her neck, sucking hard enough to leave a mark. I don't think she minds.

"Fuck, Edward."

She moves on me, rocking over me harder and harder. I slip a hand up the back of her shirt, snapping her bra undone.

She's so wet I can actually feel it through her knickers and my trousers. She grinds against me, panting a little.

I grip her hips tightly, stilling her.

"Nobody's coming like that tonight, baby. Stand up."

She climbs off my lap on shaking legs and I can't contain my smirk.

_You haven't seen anything yet, darlin'._

"Turn around and lean on the desk."

It's absolutely silent in my office so I can fully appreciate her rapid breathing.

She places her hands on the edge of the wood. I lean close and lick a line up to her ear lobe. She trembles.

"Bend over more, I want to see your fucking amazing arse properly."

She reaches further forward, knocking a load of folders off the front of my desk, quite intentionally I think.

"Ooops." She tosses her head round to look at me, grinning. I lean in and kiss her hard, biting a little on her bottom lip.

"Face forwards."

My heart is fucking _racing_ and as I reach for her hips I try to stop my hands from shaking. I need her so much, but no way am I rushing this. I've waited this long.

I slowly but firmly move my hands over her hips, her waist, her curvy bottom. I dig my fingers in a little and delight in her little gasp. I slip my hands back under her shirt, desperately seeking her skin. I tickle her sides gently before running my fingers firmly over her belly. I move closer behind her, pressing my hips into her. I move my mouth to her ear, listening to her breathe rapidly.

"Do you have any idea how long I've thought about this?" Her breath hitches when I pull her shirt aside to kiss her collarbone and neck. "Do you know how many times I've made myself come to this exact image of you?"

"I have too."

My dick twitches.

"You have?"

"Edward, there isn't a single corner of this building I haven't fantasised about fucking you."

"Jesus, baby..."

I reach down until I find the bottom of her skirt and roughly pull upwards until it gathers around her waist. I reach my hand between her legs.

"Your underwear is fucking drenched. You really love this, don't you?" I lower my voice to a whisper. "You want your boss to fuck you over his desk so badly. I think you've thought about it almost as much as me."

I watch her swallow and nod. I pull her knickers down to her ankles slowly, being sure to move myself down with them, brushing my fingers against her inner thighs, her knees, her ankles. I hold her steady while she steps out of them.

I catch her off guard by standing abruptly and shove my hand between her legs. She gasps when I circle her clit a few times and then slip two fingers inside.

"So ready for me, just like I always imagined."

She writhes into my touch.

"_Please_..."

I move my hands into her shirt instead, slipping my wet fingers under her loose bra cup to circle her nipple.

Her breath is so fast, her body almost rigid with tension but in the best possible way. I can't hold back much longer. I pull my hands out and bring them both to the top of her shirt instead. I think she can feel the tension in my grip as I hold both lapels firmly, either that or she can read my mind.

"Do it," she gasps. "Rip it."

_As you wish, m'lady._

With great satisfaction I tear the shirt open and the combination of her moan with the sound of buttons hitting the floor pretty much shreds the last of my control. I grab her tits firmly and press my clothed cock into her now bare arse.

"I have to get inside you now."

"Thank fuck!" She exclaims, making me chuckle. I pull back for the briefest of moments to drag down my trousers and pants.

"Spread wider, baby."

She shuffles her legs apart, and lifts her backside greedily. I can't help but marvel at how far she has come. Here, she is exactly my fantasy and so much more. I move between her legs and when she feels my rigid cock she moans, pushing towards it.

"Yeah..." I murmur, slipping inside her, slowly at first and then with a firm thrust that makes us both grunt.

Holy Jesus..._fuck_.

This angle is so good. She feels so wonderfully tight and pulses and grips me.

"My God..." I really don't think I'm in control anymore.

She turns her head again, setting her pleading eyes on me.

"Fuck me...Boss. And don't you _dare_ hold back."

I pull back slowly and then slam back in. And again. And again. Slow, hard thrusts that make Bella and the desk shudder. She bends lower and lower, her nipples practically dragging on the top of the desk. One of my hands grips her hip and the other spreads over her stomach and I pull her into me with every piston of my hips.

Her voice is pure need.

"Please...Oh God, baby...I'm close already."

I speed up and her low moan reverberates off the glass walls as she reaches orgasm. Afterwards, I slow down, offering lazy thrusts and gently caress her right nipple as she comes down. I want to see her.

I pull out and her knees buckle slightly until I wrap my arm more securely around her.

"Turn around."

She does, and hops onto my desk. I pull her to the edge, grabbing her legs to hook them around my hips, as I push back inside with a relieved groan.

I find her lips and roughly nip and suck at them, our breath mingled. She pulls off her shirt and bra completely and I eagerly take her nipple in my mouth.

"So beautiful...so fucking sexy. All mine." My words are mainly just grunts. "So long I waited for this, so long I thought about it. God..."

"Can't." Thrust. "Get" Push. "Enough!" I roll my hips, stimulating the most sensitive part of her. She clings to me, unable to do much else against my assault.

I know I'm close, caught between needing to climax and wanting this feeling to last forever.

I slip my hand between us, very nearly losing it when I brush against where we're connected. My fingers find her clit, hard and pulsing.

"Can you come again? Please say you can, baby."

"Yes. God...please."

I stroke her, and myself, bringing us closer and closer to the edge.

"I wanted this for so long, to come inside you. _My_ cum_ in_ you - FUCK!"

I fall over the edge and have no way to stop it, but she cries out and I know she's fallen with me.

Afterwards she's almost shivering, I pull her off the desk and wrap her in my arms, only for my own knees to give, causing us to slip to the floor in a giggling, gasping heap. I wrap myself tightly around her and can't stop my weak hum of pleasure when she kisses my jaw and runs her hand gently through my hair.

"So...sex really is pretty awesome," she whispers.

I draw my head back to look her dead in the eye.

"With _us_ it is."

She smiles and looks so bloody beautiful I can't believe what a lucky shit I am.

Eventually, when the chill gets to Bella and she's shivering in my arms in a non-pleasurable way I help her to stand. We re-dress as best we can. Her shirt is useless without buttons so with a huge smirk, I hand her the spare shirt I keep on the back of my door.

As we're locking up she murmurs, "So when's the next shortlist deadline?"

I grin, knowing exactly where she is headed.

"Why?" I tease.

She leans forward and gives me a searing kiss.

"Because, Mr Cullen, working late may just be my new favourite thing."

* * *

><p>"So, let me make sure I understand this." Bella glances around my parents' backyard half confused, half smirking. "You <em>celebrate<em> a guy trying to blow up the Houses of Parliament by having _bonfires_ and fireworks?"

Five Brits stare back at her, perplexed, before everyone tries to set the record straight at once.

"No, baby, we celebrate him _not_ being able to do it."

She nods slowly. "With more fire. And by making an effigy and putting him _on_ the fire?"

"Well...yes," Dad says.

"O-kay." She takes a sip of her drink with a grin. "No offence or anything, but that's a weird kinda holiday."

I jab my fingers into her sides until she wriggles in my arms, laughing.

"You know that's pretty rich coming from someone who, in a few weeks time, celebrates robbing land off the Native Americans by gorging on three different kinds of orange root vegetable."

She turns towards me on the swing chair. "You know, you should probably reserve judgement until you've tried my pumpkin pie."

"Sweetened vegetables. Yum," I grin, teasing. She holds my chin in her hand, kissing me quickly.

It's Bonfire Night and we've come to Mum and Dad's for our usual family tradition - jacket potatoes and Mum's homemade sloe gin in the back garden, and then we'll head down to the Pier for the firework display.

"Top up, Bella?" Dad asks, bottle of the warming but lethal booze in hand.

"Absolutely," she grins, holding out her glass eagerly. "It's delicious."

I better warn her that more than two glasses of that stuff will have you on your back, and not in a good way.

Mum comes out with a tray of buttery potatoes, each wrapped in foil, and we dig in. As a kid, Bonfire Night was one of my favourite nights of the year - I loved making the guy with newspaper stuffed into an old shirt and pair of trousers of Dad's that he would lend to the occasion. Then we'd have our own fireworks in the garden, back before that was considered a Health & Safety risk. To be fair, one time a Catherine wheel did fly off the fence and set light to Ali's abandoned Wendy house. I was nine and just thought it was funny. I think one of the main reasons I look back on these evenings so fondly, is because it was one of the few times Dad would be entirely present with us. But as I look at my parents tonight I realise how far things have come.

Credit where credit's due, he's made a real effort since Mum let him back home. I watch them tonight, Dad helping in the kitchen, occasionally wrapping an arm around her waist and giving her a kiss and I can't help feeling happy for them. I guess he realised how close he came to losing everything.

Alice and Jasper too seem pretty deliriously happy tonight. She's sitting on his lap, feeding him little bits of potato, and although that image is enough to make any big brother nauseous, I meant everything I said to her at lunch. We are both so lucky to have found people who understand us as Bella and Jasper do.

Once our bellies are full and our bodies warmed against the November chill by the gin, we head along the seafront. A crowd has already gathered at the top of the hill ready for Southend's firework display. It's no Disneyland or New Years at Sydney Harbour but it's not bad.

I wrap my arms around Bella and rest my head on her shoulder.

"Do you know how completely cute you look all wrapped up like that?" I try to nuzzle her neck but it's almost impossible to find a bare bit of skin. She's wearing a blue Parka with a fur-trimmed hood, cream scarf and her hair sticking out of the bottom of one of my beanie hats. Her cheeks are flushed from the cold and the alcohol and she looks gorgeous.

She turns her head, places two soft kisses on my jaw and scratches her nails through the hair at the nape of my neck. Even through all these layers my body reacts to her. Parents house or not, I intend to show her just how she affects me when we get home.

The fireworks begin and we watch quietly, wrapped around each other. I knew even from that very first night when I held her on the dance floor in Soho that I'd never be able to voluntarily let this woman go.

A young family stand next to us and the little boy, all sticking-up hair and miniature duffel coat, keeps tugging on Bella's sleeve to ask her what colour she likes best and if she heard how loud that last rocket was. Bella answers him indulgently while his mother offers several apologetic smiles. Choking on pasta aside, I can't help but imagine how life would be with kids. _Bella's_ kids, specifically. Talking over the Tanya mess with Maggie really helped me to realise that having a family is no longer something I want to rule out. And having a family with this wonderful girl seems like a fucking awesome idea.

The fireworks draw to a close, the night suddenly seeming very quiet, and my heart quickens a little regarding my upcoming chat with Bella. I tell my family that we'll meet them back home, intending to take Bella for a little walk, the piece of paper burning a hole in my pocket.

"Oh, Ed?" Dad calls over his shoulder. "You hanging around tomorrow?"

"Sure," I shrug.

He nods slowly. "I was thinking, if the weather holds out, I might make a start on finally fixing that porch, if you wouldn't mind helping me?"

I feel a slow smile growing across my face. I guess now he's repairing his marriage he wants to make that old house shine too.

"Sounds great, Dad," I tell him softly, and they disappear up the road.

Bella and I stroll along the front in a companionable silence. She occasionally sneaks looks at me, just as I do at her.

"So...I want to talk to you about something," I finally say.

She looks at me expectantly and I drag her towards me for a kiss just because I can.

"I want to talk about..._next_ Bonfire Night."

Her brow furrows slightly. "O-kay..."

"And next Thanksgiving and Christmas and all of the other special occasions after that."

Bella offers me a small smile but stays quiet. I brush a piece of hair away from her face.

Deep breath.

"As you know, I want to buy a house and what I'd really like is for you to live there with me."

Now the words are out there my nerves ease. She has given herself to me in every possible way; we've been honest with each other in a way I could never have dreamt I could be with another person. I know she wants this as much as I do. However, that doesn't stop my heart from gaining speed when she pulls me close, rests her forehead against mine and says:

"I really want that too."

We grin like lovesick fools and I kiss her silly.

"So, I think that leaves us three options."

"Which are?"

"First, we stay in London."

She nods, a little baffled.

"Second...we go to the States." I give her bum a playful squeeze. "I hear some very hip and cool people live in Seattle."

I wait, almost holding my breath while she thinks carefully as I hoped she would. I'm not bluffing, I'd go wherever Bella wanted to go, for as long as she wanted to go there.

"I do miss it," she finally admits. "We've come too far for me to lie about that. _But_-" She looks around herself at the tree-lined street, the sound of the sea in the background. "I don't think I'm quite done with England yet."

I slip my hands around her waist and look her dead in the eye.

"Are you certain? Because I don't want to dictate anything here." I grimace, thinking of her old life. "It seems you were told what to do for most of your life before we met and I don't ever want to make you feel that way."

"Edward, I don't. I never could with you. I promise." Pause. "So, what's the third option?"

With a little apprehension, I reach into my pocket and hand her the folded sheets of A4 paper.

She looks at me curiously and then down at the pictures and information.

"Wow, Edward, this house is _beautiful_! And so much bigger than the others. Where is it?"

With a sheepish grin I put my hands on her shoulders and turn her in the direction of the house we're standing in front of, the very same house as on the pages in her hands.

She stares at it for a few moments.

"It's right here?" she whispers.

"It's right here."

"It's gorgeous."

"Yeah." It is. It's exactly _us_ in every possible way. "_But_ the commute is a bitch and this town is _not_ London, believe me. And you might have to put up with my mother popping over more frequently than we'd like. But it's an option. I want you to choose. I will love you _anywhere_."

She gazes at the house a little longer, her expression turning wistful and at that moment I know she sees it. She sees everything I see. She sees us making it our own, she sees all the things she'll teach me to cook in that big country kitchen, she sees walks on the pier and icecream on the beach. I'm pretty sure she eventually sees a bucket and spade and several pairs of tiny muddy boots in the hallway too.

She sees our future.

She turns to me, her eyes looking a little glazed. "I think I want to love you_ right here_."

I reach down and hoist her into my arms, covering every part of exposed skin I can find with my lips and warm breath. She squeals and giggles and begs until I put her down. I wonder how anyone is allowed to be this happy.

She faces the house again, I wrap my arms around her waist and bend my mouth to her ear.

"How about this then? We buy this house and we make it ours. And one day, when it's ready, we come and live here by the sea. And one day, whenever _you_ want, we rent it out and you teach me about being an American for a while."

I inhale a shaky breath. "And, maybe, one day I'll ask you a really special question and you'll agree to be mine for good. And_ one day_...we can fill this house with little versions of us and just...laugh. Every single day."

I watch a single tear track down her cheek and I gently brush it away with my knuckles. She turns to me with the most beautiful smile.

"I think one day sounds absolutely perfect."

She kisses me solidly then takes my hand and we walk side by side again.

I've never been one to care much for religion, or any kind of higher power. The idea of fate was disconcerting; I hated the notion that my life was completely predetermined. However, I can't deny that mine and Bella's paths crossing feels somewhat kismet.

Sometimes you think you aren't searching for anything at all. You think your life is exactly how you want it to be. You think you're happy. It's only when something or some_one_ enters your world like a bloody lightning bolt of delicious mayhem that you realise you were only living as a ghost before.

Bella's past was desperately painful, my present was broken so badly I didn't even realise it. We were searching for everything...and nothing. We didn't know what to look for until it was right under our noses.

Maybe fate is real, maybe everything happens for a reason. Or maybe we're just lucky beyond words.

I look back towards the house, _our_ house, and I _know_ the future will be exactly what we want it to be.

Call off the search, we're home.

**A/N**

**Once again everything Ed & Ali is inspired by my own hilarious, hapless, adorable brother. In all his 26 years he has never once taken my advice and yet I will never stop offering it. **

**"One day" is quite a personal thing for me and the mister. We've been together almost a decade but it took us a really long time to find the money we needed for our future. In those years our conversations would often begin "One day..." "One day when we get our house..." "One day when we can afford to get married..." "One day when we have kids..." So, for me and _my_ Edward - _today_ is "one day" :-D**

**Only the epilogue left for Britward and his Bellamerica *sniff* Can't wait to hear your thoughts on this one. Thank you, always. **

**Amber xxx**


	31. Epilogue

**A/N**

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, I'm just grateful to have borrowed it. The songs and poem mentioned below are the property of Bart Howard, Eva Cassidy, **Larry S. Chengges and Sade respectively. ****

****A thousand thank yous at the end...****

**BPOV**

_**Three years later...aka "one day"**_

"Um, Bells?" Emmett tentatively whispers. "You're kinda breaking my hand here."

I glance down to see my newly manicured fingernails digging into my best friend's flesh and hastily loosen my grip, but I glare at him anyway, "Well I'm sorry, Emmett, but we're a little in the _shit_ here in case you hadn't _noticed_?"

He offers me a sympathetic smile, taking my hand back and squeezing gently before letting go and reaching for the door handle.

"I know, I know. Stay here. Stay _calm_. I'll go talk to him and see what the fuck is going on."

Emmett awkwardly hoists his huge, suit-clad frame out from the back of the 1962 Daimler Majestic Major limousine, and I try to take a deep breath. The breath I release is very shaky.

I stare out of the window and wonder how the hell this happened. I organised everything down to the finest detail, or rather I allowed Alice to, and yet still fate has intervened.

I watch anxiously as Emmett speaks to our driver, currently buried under the hood of the broken down car, fiddling with fuck-knows-what inside.

I check the time again. We're now running twenty-two minutes late and we're not even halfway there. I watch other cars flying down the highway and for a surreal moment I blindly consider flagging one of those strangers down. I feel a rush of panic wash over me. What if I don't make it in time?

I anxiously finger the bracelet on my wrist. A gift from Edward, platinum chain adorned with two beautiful charms - one a heart engraved with the crosses of the Union Jack, the other with the stars and stripes of the American flag, both nestled side-by-side. Two countries, two people...together. When he asked me last night if I liked it, I was too busy crying to do more than nod.

Twenty-four minutes. Enough is enough. Edward and I didn't come this far to have our future ruined by a fucked-up, 50-year-old engine. I will make it to that hotel even if I have to hitch up my dress and walk there.

Today is the day I marry Edward Cullen. It's also the day I will share some news that will change our lives forever.

* * *

><p><strong><em>One year earlier<em>**

During ancient times villagers armed with pitchforks and fire drove suspected witches out of their small towns. It turns out all it takes in 21st century rural Washington is vicious gossip and dirty looks.

And all it takes for me to go back is strength; mine, Edward's, _ours_.

"You're a hundred per cent sure you want to do this?" He casts his eyes over me from the driver's seat. Driving in America has proved to be one of Edward's favourite things during the year that we've lived here. In addition to his attempts at adopting an American accent, which leave me only in giggles.

"Oh I couldn't be more sure," I reply, watching the dense forest rush past my window as we near my old town - the beginning and the end of the old me.

As we slow a little and go past the Welcome to Forks sign, Edward's gaze turns curious to see the reality of this place - this town he never really understood. I can't help but think back to the girl who drove out of Forks four years ago, damaged, bitter, desperate for an escape. But you can't escape yourself; you can only adapt and change, understand and forgive.

We rumble through the small streets, past the familiar stores, the tavern where Jake exposed our secrets, the church hall where Jake and I began a marriage based on everything but love. It's the middle of the day and people mill around everywhere but I barely notice them, my vision instead consumed with ghosts, with shadows of the past.

"Take a left here."

Edward turns the corner and my father's house comes into view.

"It's this one."

Edward stops and regards me silently. He doesn't need to say anything, I don't need any words right now and he understands that, I just need him here.

The house looks the same but different. It's the old familiar shapes but painted a different colour. The driveway is still sloped and bumpy, but an unfamiliar car sits in place of my old truck.

I open the door and walk around to lean against the hood, just watching. Edward sits next to me, our shoulders pressed together.

"It looks smaller."

"Things always do," he replies gently.

I look back towards the way we've come, the familiar town.

"Everything is smaller here now. It seems...insignificant."

Edward strokes his fingers through my hair and I turn back to him. He smiles gently and my heart flutters just a little as it always does.

"You know what I reckon?" He traces a finger down my throat.

"What's that?"

"This town is the same size as it's always been. Just as significant as it's always been. But this girl..." he bends his head closer to mine. "This _woman_ is stronger and more _significant_ than she's ever been before. And that fact simply dwarfs this place."

He's right of course. The only part of this town that's really changed is me.

I jump when a young woman opens the front door, pulling a stroller down the pathway. She looks at us curiously. I offer a small smile that I hope is reassuring and Edward and I quickly get back into the car.

"I want to visit Charlie now please."

Edward nods and I direct him to the cemetery. As I walk towards my father's grave I notice a familiar figure.

"Hey Billy."

"Bella!" He looks older, more lines, more tired. The creases on his forehead map out his worries.

"God, it's good to see you," he says when I lean down to his chair and put my arms around him.

"This is Edward."

Edward steps forward and I take his hand while the other shakes Billy's. I can almost read Edward's mind, and realise how hard he must find this, meeting the father of the man who led to my...insignificance. But they are both pleasant towards each other, warm even. Years and distance have a way of dulling many pains.

Billy politely asks about us, about our lives - in England, in Seattle. Edward is so enthusiastic about the US and the trips we have made - New York, California, Florida - it makes me happy that he has so enjoyed our time here.

Nobody mentions Jake and I'm glad.

"And you'll go back to England?"

"Yes, soon." I catch Edward's eye and smile. "We have a home there."

There is silence and we all look towards my father's grave.

"Do you visit often?" I ask Billy, quietly, gesturing to the headstone in front of us.

He nods. "Every few weeks."

"Thank you," I whisper, bending down to kiss his cheek, suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude that he has tended Charlie's grave for these years I have been unable, or unwilling, to come here.

He grabs my wrist and keeps my ear close to him.

"Be happy, Bella. You seem so...light now."

"I am, Billy. I _will_."

I watch his chair until he disappears out of sight. I put down the flowers I've brought and lean into Edward's side. He holds me close and drops a kiss on my head.

"I'll wait in the car, okay?" His gift of knowing exactly what I need never seems to fade.

I nod and he silently leaves me alone. The air is still and crisp, the sky clear, a stark contrast to the day I stood here with Jake and our words were louder than the thunder. I sink down to the grassy earth and let the memories of my father wash over me.

I whisper words into the air. I tell him about Jake and the past. I tell him about Edward and the future. I tell him of my disappearing fears and my growing hopes. I tell him I love him.

I tell my father every truth and then I let him go.

At the car Edward envelops me in his arms and I have a bizarre longing for tea and the seaside. We will be back here in America I'm sure, but right now there is only one place I want to be.

"I'm ready," I tell him. "Take me home."

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>One month ago<span>_**

Forgiveness is a funny thing. There's a reason forgiving and forgetting are often linked. _Time heals all wounds?_ I guess clichés are clichés for a reason.

The letter from my ex-husband arrives exactly a month before I marry another man, the _right_ man.

_Dear Bella_

_There aren't enough words in the world to express how sorry I am. And even if there were, I doubt I would be able to string them together right. The things I said and did to you - before, during and after our marriage - will haunt me for the rest of my days and I deserve to be haunted. I deserve everything._

_Except you. I know that now. I've never been so acutely aware of anything in my life. I never deserved you. And you never deserved to be treated that way. I don't know what I deserve, but it's something I'm working on figuring out._

_I don't expect your forgiveness, and I certainly don't expect you to respond to this letter. I wouldn't know what to do if you did. The way I am, the things I did, comes from a wound in my past that you tried to heal. I tried to let you but now I know that ultimately we have to start by healing ourselves. I think you learned that way before I did._

_I'm sorry. That's all I have. I will never try to contact you again, for both our sakes._

_Dad says you're fine, that you're happy. That's all I will ever want for you._

_Jake_

It took more than 20 years for Jake and I to find any understanding of each other. When it finally came, I no longer needed it.

I consider throwing the letter away but something stops me. I have accepted my past; it's the only way anyone ever moves on.

Instead I read it twice, carefully, calmly, and then I put it in a drawer.

_Forgiven._

_Forgotten._

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>One week before<span>_**

I thought watching Edward play piano was hands-down the hottest thing in the world. It turns out that watching him play to a whole room full of people is even hotter.

Soon after I made my post-coital, piano stool suggestion that he might want to share his gift with others, he began casually putting the word out, visiting piano bars, making small talk with managers. Just as Carlisle had found all those years previously, finding work as a musician is tough. Thankfully for Edward, he put no pressure on himself; he would only ever want to play for fun.

To celebrate our move back to Essex, Edward took me to a wonderful seaside restaurant called The Cracked Crab. It was during a chat with the manager that night, exuding the self-deprecating charm that had first drawn me to him years ago, that Edward landed a gig playing piano on Saturday nights. What started off as gentle background music for people to enjoy their swordfish by soon got noticed. After a couple of months, the manager asked Edward if he would consider playing after the dinner covers were finished - entertaining the drinkers with a more upbeat tempo, perhaps even taking requests. They now put his name on the poster outside.

I love to watch, and so do our friends. But tonight it's just me, listening to the last hour from the bar.

"Your man is on fire tonight, Bella," Eric, our favourite bartender, tells me as he fixes me another Cosmopolitan.

"Trying to go out with a bang," I grin. With less than a week until the wedding, Edward won't be back for several weeks while we enjoy our honeymoon.

As if on cue, Edward's voice comes over the mic:

"Okay, ladies and gents, this will be the last one of the night as I need to take my beautiful fiancée over there home." He sends a wink in my direction while I blush and several patrons whistle. "And as most of you know I won't be here now until next month while we enjoy a well-earned honeymoon."

More whistles and I wonder if my skin is going to burst into flames. The room eventually quietens slightly and Edward slips into Bart Howard's _Fly Me To The Moon_. I watch, captivated as always, while his beautiful long fingers fly across the keys, the muscles in his back flexing beneath his dark blue shirt and his tongue just grazing his full bottom lip in concentration. I want those fingers on my body, those muscles in my hands and that tongue working it's magic all over me.

He finishes his performance and I watch as he makes his way towards me. I lean my elbows back on the bar and he slips his hands around my waist, his warm fingertips seeking out the bare flesh between my top and my jeans like a heat-seeking missile. He kisses me without even saying hello, and I grip my fingers in his messy hair to pull him closer. We're pressed so tightly together that I'm very aware of just how much he wants to take me home.

"Ready?" he eventually asks breathlessly into my neck.

I nod, downing my drink and grabbing my purse.

"See you at the wedding, Eric," Edward waves to the other end of the bar.

"Absolutely, mate, take care."

Outside in the brisk sea air, Edward throws his arm protectively around my shoulders as we make our way along the dark seafront.

"I love when you come to watch me," he says, his eyes twinkling a little.

"I love watching you," I grin. He gives me that look and I can't help the shiver that runs through my body.

Even the cool, autumn breeze coming off the ocean doesn't do much to chill my flushed skin. We may have shared only a kiss but there is something about certain nights when you just _know_ some earth-shattering orgasms are on the cards. In our case, a _lot_ of nights.

We approach the house and it is so definitely ours now. Edward's Jaguar XF on the drive, the neatly kept lawn and countless potted plants that Esme keeps sending us. Inside it is warm and safe, from the shaker-style kitchen to the print of Dali's _Persistence of Memory_ on the hallway wall, it's everything we hoped it would be.

We barely make it up the stairs before Edward presses me against the wall, already lifting my shirt and sliding his fingers over my satin bra.

My heart begins to race when he finds all the achingly familiar spots on my throat, neck and chest. I could never have imagined our physical connection would remain so potent after this long but if anything, the more we have each other the more we want each other.

He tugs my top over my head while I quickly undo his shirt buttons, impatience eventually causing him to pull that over his head too. He drags me close, pressing my bare breasts tightly to his skin and we both release a small hum of pleasure.

I run my tongue along the skin of his shoulder and slip my hand down to find his pants already undone. He groans my name when I slip my hand inside and find him needy and pulsing.

"So fucking hard. All for me?" I ask him in a teasing voice, just to drive him crazy.

"Always, baby," he grunts against my throat and presses my hand closer onto him. His hands find my own fly but I pull my hips away slightly, giggling, and sinking to my knees. I yank his pants down and look up to see his head fall back against the wall when I take the first lick. Warm, firm flesh fills my mouth and I slip him further and further back, spurred on by his quiet grunts. I alternate between licking and sucking, teasing the head and then the full length until he grabs my head to pull me down on him, exactly what I was hoping for.

Edward hasn't even touched me and yet I can feel the liquid slipping out of my pussy and soaking into the thin material of my panties. I gently caress his balls until he gasps, and tease my finger around his back entrance until he releases a needy growl. All those months of nothing but foreplay made us so incredibly good at it, and it's a habit we've never broken.

I tease less and suck more and soon he releases a conflicted and hasty, "_Wait_."

He tugs on my hair. "Stop, Sweetheart. Up, up." I love making him breathless.

He takes my mouth again before I've even caught my breath, digging his fingers into my thighs and hoisting me into his arms. He stumbles towards the bed and casually launches me back onto the mattress. I land giggling and lean up on my elbows, watching his face while he leans over me to undo my jeans and pull them down my body. My panties follow.

His eyes are dark and take in my naked form feverishly. The intensity of the lust I catch in his gaze never fades or changes but the way I respond to it definitely has. Where I used to cower away, hide my supposedly broken body from his hungry expression, now I lie there and let him watch, unashamed and confident. This man wants me and I want him and there could never be any shame in that.

His voice breaks a little. "Your body, Bella...always perfect." He leans down to tease my clit and I moan, becoming even wetter. He thrusts two fingers inside with ease.

He kicks off his pants from his ankles and wraps his hands around my calves, pulling me to the edge of the bed. He leans over me to tease my mouth with his, tugging my bottom lip and grazing it with the tip of his tongue, and whispers "Flip over, baby."

Heart pounding I grin, hastily flipping onto my front and pushing up onto all fours. His hands rest on my bare ass and hips and encourage me back towards the very edge of the bed, my wanton pussy twitches in anticipation.

He pushes inside in one firm stroke, unafraid, and we both makes sounds that combine relief and need.

One thrust, then another, slow and deep. Then shallow and teasing. One of his hands leaves me and I twist my head around to see him grip the bedpost while the other hand curls around my middle, gripping my hip in time with the increasing tempo of his hips.

I face away and just listen to his sounds, the fucking amazing grunts and groans and words that are almost as arousing as his swollen cock pumping rapidly against my g-spot.

"Yes..._fuck_...more. _Jesus_, Bella..."

He stretches down to press his fingers against my clit and I let out some curses of my own.

"Is it me," he gasps. "Or is sex _even fucking better_ since we stopped using anything?"

"Yes..._yes_," is all I manage but I know exactly what he means. Ever since we decided to stop using contraception two months ago the thrill of him coming inside me, and everything that could mean, flies me even higher.

Eventually words, even dirty ones, become too much and he pumps harder and harder, begging me with his body until we are nothing but a sated, sweaty heap on the bed. His flushed front presses to my damp back and I enjoy the sound of his breath in my ear and the feel of his racing heartbeat. He eventually rouses and places lazy kisses on my neck and earlobe until I move to slide under the covers, Edward crawling in behind me. He draws me close and we get warm and sleepy. We're halfway to dreamland when I hear him murmur:

"Seven days."

"Hmmm?"

"Seven days," he mumbles, sleepily. "Until I make you mine for good, Bella Swan."

I snuggle my ass closer, gripping his arm even tighter around my waist. I think he might already be asleep when I reply in a whisper:

"My silly Englishman, I'm already yours. I always was."

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Today<span>_**

What if I can't marry Edward today? The thought is like a splinter in my mind. It isn't easy to pace in a lace, fishtail gown but I'm managing it, wearing a hole in the sidewalk next to the broken down Daimler. What if the registrar leaves? What if we can't get married today?

"Look, man, we ordered the cab fifteen minutes ago and were promised it was five minutes away so where is it?" Emmett is ranting into his cellphone next to me and the fact that even he seems a little alarmed now doesn't calm me.

Our driver keeps his head under the hood, wisely hiding from this anxious and angry bride.

I've been so focused the last couple of weeks on all the finishing touches for today but right now I couldn't give a shit about the length of the bridesmaid dresses, or the colour of the place cards. All I can think about is Edward's face - more confused and agitated the later we become. All I can think about is getting to him and becoming his wife.

I'm desperate to speak to him but Emmett has banned me. He's spoken to him and so has the event manager at the hotel, and apparently he's fine. Since my cellphone is in Alice's purse I don't have much option, save tackling 210 pounds of pure muscle.

Just when I wonder if the extreme panic in my head is about to finally shatter the outside facade of relative calm I've been cultivating, I hear a car pull up next to us on the hard shoulder.

Thank _fuck_, the taxi!

But when I swing round my white horse is in the form of a shiny, dark grey BMW M5. The window slides down and the amused half-smile on the face of my knight in shining armour is so familiar I could cry.

"Christ, I thought _I_ was late. In a spot of bother, Ms Swan?" Aro smirks.

* * *

><p>My unlikely hero barely gets a thank you before I stumble out of the car into the relieved arms of Alice and Rose in the driveway of the gorgeous Georgian manor house.<p>

"Where's Edward? Come on, let's get married!" There's a chance I may have slipped into hysterics on the drive over.

Alice looks at me calmly, her gentle but excited smile slowing my heart. She rests her small hands on my shoulders and holds my gaze.

"Calm down, babe. You're fine, you're _here_. My brother is fine too, he's been waiting patiently...for the most part." She winks, every inch a Cullen.

"Take some deep breaths," Rose smiles.

"The registrar has waited?"

"Yes, she's fine for a little while longer," Gemma, the event manager, materialises beside us.

I pause and draw some air into my lungs, letting relief wash over me.

"Knock them dead, dear," Aro says, before hastily retreating inside.

The girls help me up the steps and into the wonderfully decorated foyer.

"You look gorgeous, by the way," Gemma says, as Alice and Rose help me straighten my dress and veil.

Now the panic has subsided I feel only excited. My Edward is just two rooms away, and I get to marry him _right now_.

"Let's do this," I grin, my eager feet already starting towards the ceremony room, before Gemma reminds me I have to go speak to the registrars first and do the legal bit.

She leads me to a small room where the registrar and her assistant smile at me reassuringly.

"Would you like to sit?"

"No, I want to get married." The sharp words slip out and they both laugh, asking me the obligatory questions as quickly as possible.

Outside again, we line up in front of the large oak doors and my heart flutters in my chest. Rose and Alice stand in front of me in their satin halter-neck dresses, the colour of the richest dark chocolate, clutching simple bouquets of three long-stemmed orange gerberas each, a flower to match in their hair. They each keep sneaking excited backward glances at me, grinning. Alice looks teary and tells me she loves me.

Emmett hands me my own bouquet, orange and cream gerberas interspersed with tiny roses,and it feels heavy and solid in my hands.

Gemma pushes open the heavy doors and the opening strains of Eva Cassidy's Songbird prick tears to my eyes. The carefully chosen lyrics tell our story so perfectly.

_For you, there'll be no crying_  
><em>For you, the sun will be shining<em>  
><em>'Cause I feel that when I'm with you<em>  
><em>It's all right, I know it's right.<em>

I watch Rose begin walking and take a shaky breath. A beat later, Alice follows.

_And the songbirds keep singing_  
><em>Like they know the score<em>  
><em>And I love you I love you I love you<em>  
><em>Like never before<em>

Soon it's just only the two of us left. I clutch Emmett's arm.

"Don't let me fall, Em."

"Never," he murmurs and when I look up at his face he looks a little glassy-eyed himself. He smiles gently at me.

"You look amazing, babe," he says and I grip him tight.

Gemma gives us the signal and we round the corner into the room.

I'm vaguely aware of the beautiful atmosphere, the autumn sunlight streaming over the rolling Essex countryside, through the wall of windows to my left, and illuminating the light wood and orange and chocolate accents around the room. The two lush topiary trees on either side of the top of the aisle, the posies of gerbera daisies at the end of each row of chairs, the ivory rose petals scattered under my feet. I can feel the eyes and smiles of our guests turn towards Emmett and I as we begin our slow march.

But in truth it is all just background. All I really see is Edward. Edward's handsome, clean-shaven jaw. Edward's serious expression, lush bottom lip pressed tightly to top as if to hold in a thousand emotions. Edward's soft and warm green eyes holding mine tightly as if he fears that one glance away will cause me to disappear. Edward's gentle, growing smile as I get closer.

Edward Edward_ Edward_.

I can't get to him quick enough, and when I do and he reaches for my hand, everything feels right. As the song comes to a close he kisses my cheek and I watch his throat bob as he swallows.

And then, of course, that smirk.

"Take your time, eh Sweetheart?" he murmurs.

"Sorry," I giggle and grin. He smiles widely back, leans close and rests his cheek against mine. He smells incredible, new and familiar at once.

His voice is a husky whisper in my ear. "You look so fucking beautiful I can hardly breathe."

Neither can I. We stare at each other, not breathing until the registrar's voice finally breaks the spell. Air floods my lungs, heat floods my face and I stand to face the person who will marry us. I grip Edward's hand so tightly, about to be bound forever.

The initial words are a bit of a blur. She welcomes everyone, talks about love and marriage. All I can think about is the man next to me, the feeling of his thumb stroking across mine and the small smiles he keeps sneaking me.

The registrar calls Rose to give her reading and she glides, ever graceful, to the front, looking excited and emotional. Edward and I picked the poem together and the words couldn't be more perfect.

_"If you can always be as close_  
><em>And as happy as today,<em>  
><em>Yet be secure enough to grow<em>  
><em>And change along the way.<em>

_If you can keep for you alone_  
><em>Your love as man and wife,<em>  
><em>Yet find the time to share your joy<em>  
><em>With others in your life.<em>

_If you can be as one_  
><em>And walk through marriage hand in hand,<em>  
><em>Yet still support the goals and dreams<em>  
><em>That each of you have planned.<em>

_If you can dare to always go_  
><em>Your separate ways together,<em>  
><em>Then all the wonder of today<em>  
><em>Will stay with you forever."<em>

She finishes with a deep breath and I smile gratefully. She catches Edward's eye too and I watch them exchange a warm glance, their friendship now strong and solid. When she takes her seat I can't help but notice how Emmett's fiery eyes follow her every move, his gaze never leaving her like he is a compass and Rose his magnetic North. My heart clenches slightly and I wish, as always, for a resolution for them.

"Ladies and gentleman," the registrar continues. "We have come to the part of the ceremony where Isabella and Edward will exchange the words that will legally join them as husband and wife. As well the words required by law, they have written some vows of their own to share with you, and each other."

When Edward turns towards me to make his vows I can see every whisper of my heart reflected in his face.

He clears his throat, swallows, and his wonderful British tones ring out to the room.

"My beautiful Bella, when you came into my life I wasn't looking for you. I wasn't expecting you. I didn't think I needed you. I was a shell."

He pauses to swallow again and I squeeze his hands in both of mine.

"I was living the life of half a person, a particularly shallow life. Within weeks, days even, you took everything I knew and twisted it around. You spun truths on their heads and opened my eyes to so much, to _everything_."

He takes a step closer and his eyes sear into mine.

"You introduced me to myself, you made me a better man and the challenges we faced together helped to heal us both. You made me whole, better, and I will make sure that as we begin this new chapter of our lives you will never, ever forget just how special you are. How strong you are. Thank you for making me stronger too. I promise to love you every single day, no matter what happens or where we are."

His eyes glaze with unshed tears. "You're everything, Bella."

I don't even attempt to stop the flow of tears that are rolling down my own cheeks, and from the sounds of sniffles throughout the room behind us I don't think I'm alone.

"Give me a moment," I giggle nervously as the registrar hands me a tissue with a smile, and the rest of the room laugh too.

Edward smiles and leans in to stroke my cheek.

I get control of myself and take a deep breath.

"I came to this country as a refugee from love," I begin, my voice shaking. "I wasn't looking for a rescue, just an escape, but in you, Edward, I found both. And so much more."

"You have given me more than you could ever know; your strength helped me to find mine. You fixed me and helped me fix myself. Thank you."

"Thank you for being light. Thank you for giving me hope on dark days. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for showing me who I could really be, my true self."

"Most of all, thank you for loving me and for helping me to love myself again. I will be thankful for that always and I can't wait to love you forever, as my husband, as my equal partner, as my best friend."

The registrar goes on and I'm sure I should be listening but I know that Edward and I have said everything we need to say. I hardly hear another word except the last ones I've been waiting for.

"You are now husband and wife."

As Edward finally pulls me into his arms and kisses me to cheers and whistles I realise a simple truth. Yes, we just got married and yes, that is a huge deal but really, we are just making official what we have always been since the day we met - connected and entwined forever.

* * *

><p>Everyone says your wedding day goes by too fast. They warn you that it will fly by in a blur, but it really doesn't feel like that for us. Time moves exactly as it should, everything feels exactly<em> right<em>, and we enjoy and absorb every moment of it in our stride.

By the time the sun has set behind the English hills outside, my face actually aches from smiling so hard and my heart is somehow full and light at the same time.

"Finally!" Alice cries, barrelling into us like a tiny tornado. "Do you have any idea how hard you are to get to?"

She turns to me and hugs me close.

"Congratulations," she whispers and then more loudly, indignantly. "Can you believe that's the first chance I've had to say that?"

I laugh. "Yes. And thank you. Thank you for everything. This wouldn't have happened without you, Alice."

A typical Brit, she brushes off my praise with a flick of her wrist.

"Bollocks. I hardly did a thing."

"Right," I chuckle.

She turns to her brother next and launches herself into his arms. When Edward puts her down they exchange one of their goofy sibling grins/eye rolls. Their closeness will always be adorable to me and I'm thrilled that Alice and I now share that sisterly bond as well.

Edward's eyes light up further when Jasper appears behind Alice, juggling two drinks in one hand and his 18-month old daughter in the other. Alice grabs the baby and hands her to Edward.

"'Ere y'are, Ed, take this for a minute. J and I need a drink."

Her words are flippant but the kiss she drops on Olivia's head is so tender.

Edward eagerly grasps his niece, the only female who ever challenges me for his attention, while Jasper chuckles and shakes his hand before wrapping me in a hug, congratulating us both.

Jasper and Alice didn't waste much time. After she moved into his flat they were pregnant within six months. This worried the overprotective brother in Edward at first but it was soon clear that they would take it in their stride. The love Jasper feels for Alice, compared to what Edward witnessed between him and Maria, was obvious enough to reassure him that they would be fine. And fine they are, planning their own wedding for next spring.

Edward shifts Olivia onto his hip and grins brightly at her. "Alright, Treacle, having a good time?"

She gurgles back adoringly, saying her version of Edward's name. I stroke her hair and she shoots me my own smile, forever turning on her charm for the aunt and uncle who can't help but spoil her. Olivia's blonde curls are all Jasper but everything else about her screams Cullen. That beautiful child is testament to the power of the Cullen's stunning genes and that thought, and sight of my new husband holding her, sends a thrill of excitement down my spine and into my belly. All day I have tried to get a moment alone with Edward to tell him what I need to say but Alice is right, we have been quite in demand.

No time like the present. A smile slips onto my lips. "Listen, Edward, I need-"

"Eddie!"

Interrupted again, this time by my new in-laws.

Esme wraps the three of us in a giant hug.

"How's it going, loves?" she asks, almost glowing. "First dance soon?"

"Sure, Mum," Edward smiles, placing Olivia in her grandma's eager arms.

Carlisle places his hand on Edward's shoulder.

"And you haven't forgotten, have you, son?"

Edward chuckles. "No, Dad, just tell me where and when."

The bond Edward shares with his father now warms me to my core. They still bicker, of course, parents and children often do when they have similar souls but refuse to believe it. But the warmth and respect that flows between them in recent years is clear to all, and is especially comforting to Esme and Alice. Whatever was said in Brighton unlocked something in them both that years of resentment had buried, and Edward has witnessed such a change in his parents' relationship that he cannot help but acknowledge his father's change of heart. I have never seen Esme and Carlisle so happy.

"Where and when what?" I ask and watch as Carlisle throws an arm around Edward's shoulders.

"My boy is allowing me a little duet later," he grins, gesturing towards the piano in the corner of the room. Carlisle shows an interest in Edward's work now, and all aspects of his life. He no longer lingers on the past and pressures him about the piano. But there is no denying that when those two Cullen men play together, it's real magic.

Rose appears suddenly at my side. "Bella, can I have a quick word?" Her eyes are wild and excited.

"Of course." I gently tug Edward's cravat until he leans his lips towards me in a brief kiss.

"I'll be back soon...Hubs"

"You'd better be. Don't keep me waiting, Mrs Cullen. You owe me a dance." His eyes are crinkled and happy.

Rose practically drags me outside to the balcony.

"Did you tell him to do it?" she asks hastily, as soon as we're out of earshot from the other guests.

"Do what?" I'm confused but it's clear she can only be talking about Emmett. Their story has not run so smoothly. For three years they have tried long distance, been on and off and on again. Their affection for each other is so obvious to everyone but them, that Edward and I have been left throwing our hands up on more than one occasion. When they are together their passion burns so brightly it bridges the Atlantic, but when they are apart their insecurities run rabid and threaten to destroy them both. I've lost count of how many times I've tried to counsel them but they are so stubborn it is a constant battle.

"Did you push him into it?"

"Push him into _what_? Rose, please start making sense."

She studies my face and when she accepts my genuine confusion she leans against the balcony and let's out the breath she has been holding.

"It's really his idea," she whispers, seemingly shocked, but a smile playing lightly on her lips.

"What is?"

She turns her megawatt smile onto me.

"Emmett told me he loves me. About ten minutes ago."

She says the words so incredulously that I can't help but laugh. My friend's feelings for Rose have been so clear to me since day one that I find it unfathomable that he has never convinced Rosalie herself. But I guess that's just the way some love stories go, not everything can be perfect all the time. I know that better than anyone.

"And...he wants us to live together. In the same country. He's told me I can go there or he'll come here, whatever works best for me, and for us." Rose looks the lightest I've ever seen her.

I throw my arms around her, genuinely thrilled.

A sexy throat clearing causes me to break away. Rose hastily brushes away a tear that has dared to escape her eye.

I turn to see my gorgeous groom in his Bournville Prince Edward suit smiling gently.

"Sorry to interrupt, but my wife and I are required to dance to really get this party started."

I kiss Rose's cheek and she gives Edward a little wave, following us inside.

"What was that all about?" he whispers. "Has Emmett finally grown a pair?"

"Yep," I grin.

The DJ announces us and Edward pulls me into his arms. I try not to focus on all the people staring at us.

"Ready?" he says and begins to sway us. I relax into his arms, breathe in his delicious smell and try to keep my tears at bay while Sade's _By Your Side_ plays out.

* * *

><p>Finally alone in our honeymoon suite, the words I've been trying to find the right moment to say all day are almost bursting to be let out. But my husband has other ideas.<p>

"So beautiful," he whispers, slowly and gently removing the pins from my hair. He pulls me close and buries his face in my throat. "And the whole day was so perfect, baby."

"So your _bird_ did good?" I tease.

He lifts his head back to look at me and slides his hands around my corseted waist. "Oh you ain't just my bird anymore, Bella _Cullen_, you're my missus...you're my _wife_."

"I think I like the sound of that," I murmur as he slowly begins to undo the complex fastenings at the back of my dress. I revel in his touch and decide my news can wait just a little bit longer...

"Christ, how do you get into this thing?" he grumbles and I laugh. "It's like a really gorgeous, really romantic straitjacket!"

Eventually he gets my wedding gown undone and it slides to the floor.

"Wow," he mutters, surveying my cream corset and matching satin panties and I feel a little breathless.

Before long we make it to the petal-strewn bed and Edward's suit disappears but still he moves painfully slowly. Every move measured, every touch reverent. I can't decide if I'm frustrated or flying.

I moan his name, wanting. "What are you _doing_? I need you."

His eyes meet mine in the lamplight. "It's our wedding night, Sweetheart. I'm trying to...you know, _make love_ to you."

His face is so sweet and genuine that I work hard to hold back my chuckle but fail miserably. He pouts.

"Oi, why are you laughing?"

I grab his head in both my hands and pull his mouth to mine, kissing away his pouty expression.

"Don't you realise, baby," I whisper. "We can screw, bang, shag or fuck but every single one of those times will still be...making love." I raise an eyebrow with a false grimace. "_But_ if you use those actual cheesy words again I _might_ not let you do it anymore." I wink.

"Enough said." He moves his head down to take my nipple in his mouth and I arch towards him, forgetting my snark. "Consider them well and truly erased from my vocabulary..."

After that, he isn't particularly slow or gentle. He takes me with every bit of passion he has always shown, gasping his usual dirty words and telling me over and over how I'm so beautiful, his beautiful _wife_, just _his_...always. I come so hard the second time I'm left nothing but a pile of trembling flesh, half lying on his bare chest.

We catch our breath but are too wired by the day's events to sleep. We talk about the wedding, about the past, about the future...everything.

Edward eventually lets out a satisfied breath and says "_And_ we don't have to work again for three whole weeks. How wicked is that? No more bloody commuting until next month."

This is it. It's time to tell him.

I prop myself up on my elbow to watch his face, but keep my hand on his chest.

"Listen, baby, I...I don't think I'll _be_ commuting much longer..."

His eyes dart to mine, suddenly very alert. My heart pounds hard and fast in my chest and I can't help smiling a little.

Edward clears his throat. "Are...are you resigning on our wedding night? Because, um, that's considered pretty poor form, darlin'." His words are light but the increase in his heartbeat under my palm, and the nervous anticipation in his voice, hints to me that he actually knows_ exactly_ what I'm saying.

I shake my head, my smile widening. "No, not _resigning_." I take a deep breath. "More like putting in an application for...maternity leave."

My eyes never leave his face as I watch every emotion cross it in moments. His eyes widen with shock, then the briefest hint of fear or anticipation, before finally filling with happy tears.

"You're pregnant?" he whispers.

I nod.

"We're having a baby?" He suddenly sits bolt upright.

"I'm...I'm going to be a dad?" He drags a hand through his hair as a slow grin covers his whole face.

I burst into giggles, warmed all over by his adorable reaction.

"Yes, Edward, all of the above," I chuckle.

"Fucking hell!" he finally bursts out, grasping me tightly in his arms. "This is mental, this is crazy, this is..._Jesus_..." He continues to mutter nonsense into my shoulder while he rocks us back and forth and we both sniff back our tears.

He pulls back to look at me and I can hardly breathe with how much love I see reflected in his face, a face that I can already imagine on our little bean.

I shrug and try to stem the flow of tears tracking my cheeks. "Guess we didn't need much practice after all."

He smirks. "I must have some absolutely blinding swimmers!"

We laugh and fall back onto the bed. We're quiet for a moment, absorbed by our thoughts, by the future. Eventually, Edward murmurs, "Thank you. This is the best wedding present in the world."

"Thank _you_," I reply, through fresh tears.

"Oh shit, wait!" He lifts his head, alarmed. "I just shagged the shit out of you! Is that okay?"

His hand is stroking so gently on my bare stomach it makes my chest tight.

"It's fine, baby. He's fine, he's only the size of a poppy seed."

"He?" Edward raises one eyebrow.

I shrug. "Or she. Whatever." What can I say? I just_ know_.

He smiles and bends down to cover my tummy in tiny kisses.

I stare at the top of his head and can't believe how lucky I am. I came to England looking for an escape. Instead I found love and friendship, happiness and excitement. I found a way to face my past and a gateway to my future. I found forgiveness and strength. I found _myself_. I found rain and tube trains and sex.

I found _everything_; I found Edward.

His cute stomach kisses become more arousing as he drags his mouth up and across my chest.

"Hey, Hubby?" I whimper.

"Hmmm...?" He looks up with the laziest, happiest of smiles.

I smile back, feeling utterly free.

"You can _make love_ to me now, if you want?"

So he did.

**The End**

**(Longest) A/N (ever!)**

**And that's all folks! Much of the above was borrowed from my own wedding; including the colour scheme, flowers, bridesmaids dresses, music and poem, AND the broken down wedding car (yes, really). **

**This story is now complete BUT I will almost definitely post a futuretake/outtake or two at some point and I would LOVE to know what you'd like to see, so please make any suggestions in your reviews. To chat about The Search, look at a ton of pics I'll be posting soon or just generally stalk me for new writing which will hopefully one day come please feel free to find me on Facebook or Twitter under Amber's Pen and join my Facebook group - Amber's Notebook (links in my bio). And if you feel so inclined, and haven't already, please feel free to check out the two Twilight one-shots I've also posted on ffn - Red Elephants and Baa Baa Bad Sheep, a sequel to the latter is actually my next project. Please make sure you put me on Author Alert to make sure you know when outtakes do post.**

**And now for the part that I'm afraid may end up sounding like an Oscar speech! There are SO many people I have to thank for helping me to get this story posted, and for getting it out there to so many of you. **

**Most importantly, my beta Trip (**_FFFan1664_)**. I can't find enough words to convey everything she has done for this story. She hasn't just corrected grammar and spelling (although believe me there was A LOT of that!) but she has kept this story making sense, on track and well-researched. She has spent so much personal time helping me I'm scared to add it up! She turns chapters around so quickly and has constantly encouraged me along the way. THANK YOU SO MUCH, A! Seriously. **

**Similarly, my pre-readers - **_dreamalittledream83 _**and **_ladyeire3_** - have not only kept my Britishisms in check but have offered so much love and encouragement I can't thank them enough. **

**Also, HUGE thanks to _bornonhalloween_ for listening to my cry for help all that time ago, offering me constant encouragement, writing two fabulous blog reviews for this story AND sending me SO many readers. **

**Thanks to FatesLoveQueen for the banner. Huge gratitude to Fandom Fanatic, KatHat, Indie Fic Pimps, Twislash Unveiled and all at The Lemonade Stand (especially Kitty Vuitton and Twilover76 for the nominations) and The Wordsworth Awards for lovely reviews and exposure on their blogs. **

**Thank you to my wonderful Facebook friends, I love you all so much and your encouragement has been so precious to me. Thank you to every single person who pimped or rec'd this story on Facebook, Twitter, blogs or basically anywhere on the web. Attracting readers is so tricky but the fact that so many of you are here means that a lot of you lovely folks must have been talking about Britward over the last year and a half!**

**Thank you to my awesome husband for unwittingly providing me with much of Britward's character and language. My beloved England; wonderful, eclectic London; and misunderstood Essex for providing me with such a fun backdrop for this plot.**

**Finally, thank you to every single person who has taken the time to read, alert or review this story. Your comments have given me the motivation to finish when I never really believed I would. And if there is anyone who has been reading all this time but hasn't reviewed, please do because I would love to hear from you and be able to reply and thank you personally. **

**This story has been a really personal journey and there isn't any way for me to get that across really. A portion of this plot is autobiographical and getting this all down in words has been so therapeutic, not to mention the happiness that finding my writing mojo again has brought me. I can't express how much joy I have experienced whilst writing and posting this, and reading your lovely reviews. **

**THANK YOU!**

**A x**


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